Hey all! I've been coming out to friends and family for the last month and a half or so. As I've done this, I've focused more on trying to pass while in public because I finally feel comfortable enough to do so. I've found that the more I do this however, the more I dislike my chesticles as well as the pitch of my voice. I mean, I know can pass 90% of the time w/o surgery and HRT...but there are times when I hate having to try and 'pass' when I just want to 'be'. The hardest thing for me thus far has been the fear of my voice giving me away.
I feel like a prepubescent boy and I get all giddy when I think about going through puberty (again haha) and becoming a man!!
So yeah, I was wondering what was the hardest thing for you guys before you were able to go through HRT? Was it something you were worried about giving yourself away? Was it the long wait for your second puberty? Was there anything at all?!
Thanks for your input ladies and gents :D
oh gosh, i think the hardest thing for me was all that testosterone coursing through my body. I did not enjoy that at all!!
Hahaha I do have to say that having this estrogen coursing through my body is hard! I'm pretty sure it's the cause of these things on my chest and my high-pitched voice :P I joked with a friend once that if she wanted my boobs she was more than welcome to have them, we just needed to find a way to do boob-transplant surgery (by a real surgeon of course!!). I can't wait to start HRT and get some testosterone flowing through these veins :D
Quote from: AlectheViking on July 14, 2011, 05:15:29 PM
Hahaha I do have to say that having this estrogen coursing through my body is hard! I'm pretty sure it's the cause of these things on my chest and my high-pitched voice :P I joked with a friend once that if she wanted my boobs she was more than welcome to have them, we just needed to find a way to do boob-transplant surgery (by a real surgeon of course!!). I can't wait to start HRT and get some testosterone flowing through these veins :D
wanna trade bodies then? lol
Quote from: Annah on July 14, 2011, 05:20:09 PM
wanna trade bodies then? lol
Oh I am so down! Where is that magical fortune cookie from Freaky Friday? Or one of those brain-swapping contraptions? Never a good body switching mechanism around when you need it!
The hardest part of all for me were the 'chesticles' as you put it. But you asked about pre-HRT, so I would say probably the red tide and voice. And I never realized how important a beard was to me until I grew one. But I now get a 'dysphoria' of sorts when I have to shave. :laugh:
Quote from: Forum Admin on July 14, 2011, 05:28:15 PM
The hardest part of all for me were the 'chesticles' as you put it. But you asked about pre-HRT, so I would say probably the red tide and voice. And I never realized how important a beard was to me until I grew one. But I now get a 'dysphoria' of sorts when I have to shave. :laugh:
Oh the red tide is awful! It was never "Oh I'm blossoming into a woman!" more like "Holy sh*t what is this red stuff and why is this happening to me?!" Although I'll be honest, I don't mind the chocolate requirement ;) I'm reaaaaaaaaally excited to grow facial hair! It's part of the reason I feel like a prepubescent boy. Sometimes I'm tempted to just take a sharpie and draw a sweet mustache and goatee on my face and wander around as such haha :P My voice is one thing that seriously bugs me because I feel like it's a dead giveaway. :(
I think the hardest thing was my voice being so high and girly, that and periods
and how long I waited for it, well I realized that I was transsexual around july 2009, had 3 months of therapy and about 5 months of waiting for an endo who would accept me.
The red tide for me, starts with cramps and then the free flowing blood. Being it last 4-5 days is just an almost contant reminder I have those parts inside me. Using tampons does allow me to forget about it after the first couple of days, only need to change in the morning and evening then.
The worst part is watching puberty do its work and knowing it'll all have to be undone.. All this hair spreading across my face and chest. :(
I definitely agree with shark week and the girly voice.
The worst thing for me about not passing is when guys hit on me. I like guys and all, but the fact that they see me and treat me like a girl makes me almost physically sick. For some reason it doesn't bother me as much when girls do it, but it will be really nice when I can be seen as an attractive guy instead.
Quote from: Lee on July 14, 2011, 11:01:05 PM
I definitely agree with shark week and the girly voice.
The worst thing for me about not passing is when guys hit on me. I like guys and all, but the fact that they see me and treat me like a girl makes me almost physically sick. For some reason it doesn't bother me as much when girls do it, but it will be really nice when I can be seen as an attractive guy instead.
hahahaha shark week I love it! And I can completely understand the treating you like a girl thing. One of the reasons I started seriously considering transitioning was because I would feel sick whenever my guy friends treated me like a girl or referenced me as a girl. And similar situation with the girls as well. I don't get it, but it never really bothered me when they did it. Maybe it was more upsetting around guys because we have to feel like we have to prove our masculinity more around them? Cause around girls I'm thinking more like "ooooh I'm around giiiiiirls :D" and if I hear she I think "whatevs I'm around giiiiiiiirls :D"
And seriously, thank god for tampons. It's like the label says "Hey! Hey! I'll let you forget about it for 4 - 8 hours!! Yay!"
Quote from: Canditosis on July 14, 2011, 10:46:23 PM
The worst part is watching puberty do its work and knowing it'll all have to be undone.. All this hair spreading across my face and chest. :(
haha I'll take it for ya ;)
Hardest thing was the self-denial, which went way beyond simply denying myself the opportunity to transition. I denied myself happiness, love, everything. I even denied the fact that I was gay because sleeping with women was the quickest route to feeling that my gender experience might normalize. Now that I'm on HRT and my body is changing, I'm free to explore who I really am. :) There are no more secrets, nothing else hanging around in the closet.
Quote from: Alectheviking
haha I'll take it for ya ;)
We could trade skins Silence-of-the-Lambs style!
..no let's not do that
Quote from: Zoë Natasha on July 15, 2011, 12:50:32 AM
Hardest thing was the self-denial, which went way beyond simply denying myself the opportunity to transition. I denied myself happiness, love, everything. I even denied the fact that I was gay because sleeping with women was the quickest route to feeling that my gender experience might normalize. Now that I'm on HRT and my body is changing, I'm free to explore who I really am. :) There are no more secrets, nothing else hanging around in the closet.
It's absurd how much we deny ourselves by not allowing ourselves to be who we really are. When I finally started coming out and making the decision to transition, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders! It was such a strange sensation...and one I wasn't expecting really. I'm very excited to start HRT because I'll be focused less on passing and coming out, and more on who I really am now that such a major portion of my life is being resolved. Glad you're finally at a place to have the ability and freedom to explore who you truly are :)
Quote from: Canditosis on July 15, 2011, 11:33:59 AM
We could trade skins Silence-of-the-Lambs style!
..no let's not do that
hahahaha I'm down to not do that too. But that is an awesome movie! We just need to come up with that brain/conscious swapping mechanism I mentioned earlier. Right after we create a time machine and teleportation device
Quote from: AlektheViking on July 15, 2011, 12:33:42 PM
hahahaha I'm down to not do that too. But that is an awesome movie! We just need to come up with that brain/conscious swapping mechanism I mentioned earlier. Right after we create a time machine and teleportation device
When I was a kid I was sure scientists would have all three of those sorted out by now. :(
For me, it's the physical act of realistically passing while also conveying my sense of fashion and personality. I have distinctly masculine features that do not occur on 99% of the females (or even males) out there in my age group (according to statistics and studies), so passing as female is incredibly hard for me to do. One of those features is my nose, which is impossible to cover up, and my browbone, which is coverable by really ugly out-of-place bangs, but since bangs make my lower face look horrible, I innately love having an open-style haircut that shows my foerhead. I only move toward surgical options when alternatives do not work for me, and I know the brow bone reduction is something that will help me confidently wear the open-banged haircuts that I truly love on me.
So as of right now, I identify as male, but I dress very Androgynously - a bit like Ellen to be honest. I specifically focus on wearing specific shapes of male clothing that help me look more shaped and slender, a big emphasis on body and facial equality that still strikes people as 'Okay, this guy knows what to wear.' I do like looking well composed and being able to "equal out" some of my larger features with larger clothing pieces. I pretty much wear what I would wear if I looked female, though right now, I sort of wear the "male versions" of my personal clothing style, and if I looked more female, I'd be wearing the female pieces. I still convey who I am in all ways possible, just using touches that don't look unnatural or ill fitting for my current male look.
Basically, I would say I border on dressing like Michael Jackson, though because of a low self-confidence and a facial appearance that I feel is too haggard to express my identity, I'm still not as flashy as I love being. I love fitted blazer jackets, I love very specific shapes of shorts or pants, and my outfits are always complex and layered - even if it's 100 degrees outside, I will wear what I feel expresses me because I get really suicidal if I'm not able to. Say if I just were to throw on a wifebeater and some slacky jeans and boots like some ugly Tapout teen guy, I would *wish I could* commit suicide the first mirror I saw. It's so horrible seeing a haggard guy looking back at you in the mirror. Thankfully, certain outfits, make-up styles, and hairstyles "help" me feel more "me", but it won't be until surgical procedures and hormones that I even get a glimpse of finally feeling me - I've been through FFS before and I know that it works wonders for my mentality.
The hardest thing for me, still pre HRT is wondering what I will look like with HRT. I am barely passable now and worry that with HRT I will fall somewhere in between and not look male or female. I wish I could see what I would look like on hormones. Then I might not be so worried about starting them. It's my biggest hold up to beginning the transition. But then again, I hate being a guy in a dress like I am now. Does HRT really make a substantial difference, besides growing breasts? Rachael
@ Rachel, hormone therapy, at least in the patients and correspondents that I have seen, usually causes a person's face to undergo somewhat radical changes depending on the person. It certainly tends to cause the facial skin health and underlining fat to shift into a much more glowing, soft, accessible female look. It really tends to take years off a person's face and truly tends to make them look much more female.
However, Facial Feminization Surgery consists of a series of surgeries that are designed to change bone structure and these procedures have been around and have been performed for decades. Features such as prominent brow bones, wide jawlines, nasal structure, and chin shape cannot be changed by hormones, and the growth of these features can only be stopped if hormones are taken during a certain life timeline. If these features are already too extreme for your tastes, you cannot reverse those particular features by hormones alone and Facial Feminization Surgery can be a solution to the needs of patients who feel depressed and uncomfortable with their own innate features.
Usually, Hormone Therapy stops the additional growth of male features (skeletal and non-skeletal), while changing the soft or flexible tissues of the body (breasts, fat, skin, hair, ect ect), and Facial Feminization Surgery is designed to reverse or change craniofacial features that cannot be changed by Hormone Therapy alone.
Sources:
http://www.drbecky.com/dko.html (http://www.drbecky.com/dko.html)
http://www.facialfeminizationsurgery.net/ffs_procedures.html (http://www.facialfeminizationsurgery.net/ffs_procedures.html)
http://www.drspiegel.com/ffs-surgery-photos/ (http://www.drspiegel.com/ffs-surgery-photos/)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_feminization_surgery (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_feminization_surgery)
Quote from: Canditosis on July 14, 2011, 10:46:23 PM
The worst part is watching puberty do its work and knowing it'll all have to be undone.. All this hair spreading across my face and chest. :(
I know what you mean, I feel exactly the same way :( But I think that going through it the second time will be a lot less agonizing.
Quote from: RomanAlexander on July 18, 2011, 10:13:25 PM
I know what you mean, I feel exactly the same way :( But I think that going through it the second time will be a lot less agonizing.
I feel the same way. I'm actually really excited for a second puberty, because this is the one that I've been waiting for ;D
The worst part, undoubtedly, was the monthly curse. Just behind that, though, was that when I'd finally decided I didn't need T, because I was passing just fine and figured I could deal with the other crap on my own, my face started feminizing more, much to my horror. For those who aren't aware, around age 25, the female face begins to undergo a new round of feminization. In a mere 4 months or so, I went from passing 95% of the time to only about 30%. I went to the doctor and got my first T shot within 2 days.
Alek, remember guys slur words togetha, as in "Yawanna" insted of "Do you want" , which I found most women will say . Listen to how men talk and have a cassette recorder near by and practice it usin the privacy of you're own home . Send Me a P- M if you need to, I'm happy to help ALL Transgendered individuals ..... ellen
Razor burn under "falsies".
I felt like a ticking time bomb of testosterone and every second was leading closer and closer to me being more male. I hated thinking that my body was doing things that my mind didn't want to be done. Ugh, I hate testosterone. It's a nasty, nasty beast of a hormone (although I'm sure you trans-guys enjoy it :P).
Hmm, I am not yet on HRT (So not sure if I qualify for this thread but Ill write something anyway :P)
Physically the muscles (Not that many but I guess if you are TG you noticed every little blimp of your body, so), the facial hair, sex drive....and my latest addition *drumrolls* chest hairs! Theyre still small and its not much yet, but its creeping up on me and I am getting fixated on it, thinking how long it will take before Ill have to shave them to just wear a unisex low cut top :(
So, I am having a fight with Testosterone, I am losing and tired.
Mental- and Emotionally its my constant overanalyzing whether I would be able to pass, get used to my newly chosen name, whether I wont ever get the desire to get back to being 'male' . I dont know why I have these doubts or confusion buts it's getting worse the closer I get. And the strange thing is that my desire to start with HRT gets stronger aswell....so thats conflicting me a little.
The hardest part.... was watching my body turn into wrong gender and trying to conform to the gender everyone expected me to be. That led to a good chunk of my life of being miserable and hateful towards myself which impacted the ones I cared for.
I think the hardest part for me is finding an endo who wont break the bank.
estrogen induced misery and shame
(I'm still pre-HRT.)
Feminine curves (I call them dents) and huge hips. I'm hoping T will smooth this down a bit. :/
My voice doesn't bug me, it sounds male a lot of times. Uncle Flo is a minor annoyance.
facial hair
male sex drive
feeling like I'm living a lie every time I'm seen as male.
Periods.
Periods... Are horrible. Go see how many girls enjoy them.
Everything else is tolerable. You can bind, or wear loose clothing, for the breasts. Curves are no problem either. Some bio-boys have high-pitched voices.. But periods are just horrible; the headaches, sleepiness, pain, messiness..
I am with you, Ribbons, they are the worst for me to deal with every month. While I am having cramps I am constantly being reminded I have those internal parts. At least after the first 2 days of leaking blood, I can get by usually with changing tampons twice a day. I do wish my chest mounds were smaller and not be firm so they would flatten better, but it the monthly mess that is my hardest.
I'm still pre-HRT, actually. And the hardest part for me is honestly my Gottverdammt "monthly". And my voice, but I've been working on that. While I hate my chest, I'm lucky that I'm small and binders are super-effective. So yea, my "monthly". Especially since I use an STP packer, my biggest fear is being in a situation where I have to use a public restroom while I'm on my "monthly"... I have to use the stalls, and I don't feel comfortable sitting to pee...but I'm afraid I'll bleed on the floor or something... =A=
That and the obvious reasons. I describe my uterus as the foreigner that hates me...(ovarian cysts & endometriosis= more pain than breaking an arm). I'll be happy to be rid of it. ASAP.