I know it has been posted a million times before but how do you peeps handle dating? Because I need some serious advice as pretty much my dads natal just a friend friend says I should, my trans friend says I should, my natal friend says I should, and the same week they started harping for me to do so? Ya... my counselor told me she thinks I should see other people as well.
Sadly... I avoided dating at all costs as a male. I wanted no part of that aspect because it felt just wrong as I was. Now I have no SRS yet but all my friends say I pass and pass well. So I am going to take their word for that as I've passed at the waterpark just fine. -I think- Anyways... so ya.. my experiences with just sex to feel normal... very high... just dating for real? Like... don't exist... I don't want to deal with ->-bleeped-<-s either. .-.
So no advice? I should go read the 101 threads instead of getting practical experience advice?
Give your thread a chance. ;D
Personally I have only been twice and never with the same guy. But I do have a G/F, who lives in another country. I am just binding my time. I have school, so I stay busy.
What do you mean by handle dating? Mostly I guess people handle it like anyone else, and they handle being trans like anyone else.
Korlee,
I will answer your questions with a question.
Do YOU want to date?
Your telling us that your "friend" wants you to.
But your "friends" can not know how you feel or if you are really ready.
Only you will know that.
Oh and you can become friends with more people without dating them
and really enjoy there company.
Just start with going out for coffee with people you like. You don't have to think of it as dating until you are comfortable with the idea.
Only do it if you really want to. Don't let others pressure you into it.
Quote from: Jillieann on July 17, 2011, 10:07:40 PM
Korlee,
I will answer your questions with a question.
Do YOU want to date?
Your telling us that your "friend" wants you to.
But your "friends" can not know how you feel or if you are really ready.
Only you will know that.
Oh and you can become friends with more people without dating them
and really enjoy there company.
I dunno really... I mean sometimes I feel pretty damn lonely and want someone just to snuggle pretty bad. However.. despite the positive attitude on it quote -not mattering- the fact is being what we are does matter when it comes to dating. That is the part that really scares me on many fronts plus I really want to go further if I like the guy but.. not a chance in hell of me doing that with what is down below. So thus it isn't really dating for me.
Also I have friends... well not very many that live near me at the moment but I lack any desire to date them. They are just friends and I am happy with that.
Plus as I said I have zip dating experience. As I said in my teens and early twenties my only concern was sex to feel normal. So thus I have no dating experience at all let alone anything on this front. I really don't want to stab ->-bleeped-<-s or try to tell a guy later only to have him leave. I'd rather it be out there at front at least.
Edit: Also lets not forget my counselor wants me to as well and she is pretty awesome. She loves our community and is usually pretty spot on about peeps.
Get thee to a support group in thy community ASAP!!
You have a great counselor you say so she will have ideas of the groups in your area!. Get to know some of the others as buddies! They can pass old boy friends around quite well. Some of the ex BF's will be used to trans girls and not be a worry.
Even our kind of girls go out on group dates, sometimes with trans guys, or sometimes just wild game (guy) hunting as a pack. It is safe, you watch each others backs and you meet people. Go to places cis people go to meet people they would like to date too. Movies, concerts, churches, libraries, malt shops etc.
That cute dress looks horrible hanging in the closet it needs a night out with friends.
Hehe. I did go to a support group for awhile and they were pretty nice peeps. However nobody was even close to my age so it was quite hard to relate and their fashion was suited really for their tastes. They did help kick start my journey a little more though and I will always be grateful for that.
Also not to be mean or biased but I'd rather avoid dating within the community. I already do tons of stuff with my two trans friends a FtM and a MtF who are a couple. That is just hanging out fun stuff though and everyone who knows them? They peg me just because I am friends with them because nearly all their friends relate to our community in some way. However on my own? I never have passing issues. I'd like to date and keep that worry far off my mind as it is still a constant for me at this time. I want the date to be fun and relaxing with none of those worries. o.<
And.. I don't own a dress yet or wear skirts... I've caved and tried some on for friends. My first natal friend says I have the hips hardcore for an evening gown like prom dress type stuff and I looked good in a sun dress according to her. But I have no fashion sense at all so I take her word for it. So ya.. not a single dress or skirt in my arsenal... but oddly enough I have short shorts and tank tops. O.o Still not sure how that one worked out.
Places where cis peeps go? But then won't I just have to tell them later and get boned for it? O.o
Quote from: Korlee on July 18, 2011, 09:48:03 PM
Places where cis peeps go? But then won't I just have to tell them later and get boned for it? O.o
Hey there's an idea! :icon_idea:
Clubs, bars, local places where people your age and like mindedness hang out perhaps. Bookstore, grocery store, mall... and a zillion other places as well. There's no one magic place.
I just got home from a date earlier today, and we met on-line and he has no idea about my current status ;). He took me to see Transformers (kick-ass movie btw) and then we had burritos. It's really no different from cis-gendered dating (if such a phrase exists). You just really have to get out there and give it a shot. No real technique or training required. Basic common sense usually does the trick... IE don't meet a stranger in a parking lot all alone at 2:00am some place you've never been. ;)
As far as attire goes, wear something you'll be comfortable in... and no 4 inch heels if your are going bowling. Unless a guy gives me prior notice to "dress up or formal attire required"... t-shirt and jeans is what I usually go with.
Final note: You are not required to disclose anything related to your gender, sex, religion, political leanings, or anything else of the nature unless you feel so inclined. There's many other people out in the world dating and telling ever one their entire life's history on the first date never really happens. I personally have a 3 date rule... if I still like the guy and vice versa and/or see a possible relationship with him, that's when I sit him down and have "the talk". Until then... get out and enjoy yourself.
Are you working or at school/Uni? If you are working is there a social club of any sort, bowling team etc? That would be a good place to ease into the dating scene. You'd have a chance to sort the good from the bad. Same goes for night classes, or sporting clubs if there is nothing at work.
If you are a student, I'd give the clubs and societies a go. That's what I plan on doing when I return to study next year as a mature student. In the mean time I will be joining Alliance Francais, and a few other groups after I relocate in a few weeks.
That will give me a network of friends and contacts, who will have friends and relatives too. You can always ask others to suggest someone who might be compatible. There is also the option of things like speed dating too.
Have a great time. Karen
I say date because sex is not thing that starts a relationship getting to no the person and stuff is :D :D :D i mean you dont have to tell them about down stairs and if keeps begging about sex well then he didnt deserve you anyways :D :D-
Oh and not all boys want to get in your pants so if find a good one then no worries
Are there any bisexauls you can hang around with? The bi community in the uk was one of the first places I felt safe and didn't have to worry about people being icky about my body.
@Jennx - Well I'm comfortable in my geek stuff and my tank tops... Some random blouses but none of it is anything I'd wear on a date unless it was super casual.
Also like minded places? What fits that for a 27 year old geek who is still a giant kid in geekism, anime, etc? Plus I don't club.. don't wanna dance and really all the smoking gets to me as it makes me feel all dirty.
And I don't understand how it is the same as the CiS stuff. I mean one word from us can make somebody leave because they don't want to deal with it. Nor can I blame them really as it is hard enough being the person going through it let alone asking someone else to understand every aspect of it because they will need to dating you.
I just don't understand the get out and randomly meet whatever thing at all.
@justmeinoz - I work 50 hours a week Monday-Friday with the two tiny days called the weekend off. They have no social clubs or anything like that. Plus I really need this job hardcore for money so I wouldn't want to date there anyways and maybe cause problems. After all they let me present female at all times at work. So ya, outside of upper management? Nobody knows.
Ya, friends suggestions... I've already been nudged there and just no... Not even close on desired looks or interests. They are nice people but I want someone that I can relate to deeply and not just a surface level. They must have some geek or something or I will feel quite lonely. <.<
.-.
@lilkittycatzoey - I agree that dating shouldn't be about just that... however? I haven't had squat in -years- and it if I really like him? I might break my own rules to a degree at least. I want the option to be there if we both decide it is okay and.. I don't want mister virgin till married sorta thing.
@loulou - The only one I know of near me... is the -long story short- jerk lil fairy cd currently in the house against my wishes. Such a selfish jerk all around. So ya, I know of no bi peeps.
Maybe dating just isn't for me.
- And unrelated note.... if you live in Oklahoma and need a job? There's a lil company called Mercer Valve with positions from the office to machinists. They are 100% transsexual friendly! You can use the name of your choosing to be called by, time cards, etc. The upper management will keep your secret if desired. I am allowed into the women's restrooms but they keep my secret so no idea about the being open about it to all. It is just a very transsexual friendly company and I thought I'd toss that out there just once. However they do expect 100% on work ethic from ya.
ok well i never cared for sex so i dont get your need for it but then by you letting lust over throw love you are basically just saying come F me then leave me with a broken heart because you could get attached from sex. i know sounds weird but its a part off being a girl so you must realize you now have a chance of falling in love over sex,not sure y it happens but it does.
I dont think you should date because your having a lustful logic behind it and that may just leave you in tears when he can't handle it and runs. Anyways just my opinion if you want to risk heart break over sex go a head.
Quote from: Korlee on July 19, 2011, 09:36:58 PM
@Jennx - Well I'm comfortable in my geek stuff and my tank tops... Some random blouses but none of it is anything I'd wear on a date unless it was super casual.
Also like minded places? What fits that for a 27 year old geek who is still a giant kid in geekism, anime, etc? Plus I don't club.. don't wanna dance and really all the smoking gets to me as it makes me feel all dirty.
And I don't understand how it is the same as the CiS stuff. I mean one word from us can make somebody leave because they don't want to deal with it. Nor can I blame them really as it is hard enough being the person going through it let alone asking someone else to understand every aspect of it because they will need to dating you.
I just don't understand the get out and randomly meet whatever thing at all.
Well... I'm also 27... I'm also a huge anime/comics/sci-fi fan (never much cared for the geek moniker ;)) myself... I'm not a big fan of the club/bar scene either... but I've noticed that I don't run into too many hot guys at anime/manga cons, the local comic shop, or similar places I like to hang ;)... so you have to go where people (regardless of gender issues) go to meet others. Most of the guys I meet from on-line dating sites, usually turn out to be losers or married. So, you are definitely not going to meet someone unless you go out and try.
Stop feeling as if we are some sort of second class citizens... we have as much right as anyone to go anywhere, and do anything as anyone else on this planet? Nothing wrong with being who we are honey. Really, it's cool. If others have an issue with us, it's
their issue... not ours.
You really need to just get out, explore, and enjoy life. Any place you'd go to meet someone is a great first step... unless it happens to be a red-neck trucker bar in somewhere in Alabama. ;D Basically just get out there and give it a shot. It's not easy at first, and you might feel intimidated, scared, alone, out of place and a bunch of other feelings... but it gets better. I'd suggest going out with a small group of say 2-3 other friends, which can help you blend in if the solo thing is too much at first. Once you become more comfortable with who you are, you'll become much more comfortable expressing who you are in public.
Bottom line is you really have to get out there and do it. :)
The way I look at dating is that I'll be available but never actively looking. If someone is interested in me and vise verse then I just sit back for the ride and see what happens, but I never actively look to date.
Not sure if it's just me but one thing I don't plan on doing when I get those damned hormones is going to clubs/bars that are for trans/gay/bi people. I don't see why I should have to, for one thing they all just play terrible remixes of current chart topping songs. I'm just going to go to the same clubs that have acts I like playing at which are open to all people. Don't see why we should be orchestrated from places we like to go with music we like to listen to just because of our gender identity.
@lilkitty - I didn't meant to imply it was the number one thing.... It is just an option I desire to at least have as apposed to it not even being there at all.
@jennx - Ya, never met anyone worth anything on a dating site. .-. But that was back when I was an idiot and long story... so ya.. but I know what you mean.
I don't mean it like second class... Just even if we do not like it? A ton of peeps still see it as a huge issue and I'm not that aggressive a person unless I have to be. So ya.... I don't want to stick my stuff in their stuff. Then I am just as bad as them trying to make me accept their way of living. I'd rather just do things quietly.
And I just have like two friends tops who can't hang together if at all at the same time. Quite lame but.. ya... I mean you say go out... but I don't want to just keep getting shot down over 'n' over 'n' stuffs. I'm not a club, bar, or any such person either.... I'm just a geek that likes geeky things, plushies, and cuddles.
@Nurse - You won't catch me even dead in a club unless dragged there anyways. xd
--
Maybe i am just trying to convince myself of stuff but i dunno. I mean peeps want me to and i want something... but none of it makes sense.
Are Anime conventions or similar your scene? Maybe on-line groups that meet in real life occaissionally could be a way to meet like minded people.
Karen.
Quote from: LilKittyCatZoey on July 19, 2011, 05:38:58 AM
Oh and not all boys want to get in your pants so if find a good one then no worries
remember also that not all of us have or ever had interest in dating guys (or even boys).
But the concern that I have with the therapists recommendation is that while dating should certainly be a component to look at during RLT, the very fact that one is pre-op creates hurdles to the dating process. And those obstacles can create even more problems for the pre-op than staying single creates...
Quote from: Ann Onymous on July 21, 2011, 10:04:29 AM
remember also that not all of us have or ever had interest in dating guys (or even boys).
But the concern that I have with the therapists recommendation is that while dating should certainly be a component to look at during RLT, the very fact that one is pre-op creates hurdles to the dating process. And those obstacles can create even more problems for the pre-op than staying single creates...
Very true sorry see i was bisexual so i liked both :D :D But i am asexual joy :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ but sorry i should of thought more about my answer :(
Well scratch the whole thing as once again life has decided for me what is best. I got hosed again with a job after rebuilding again. Had to do it so many times I've lost count. So ya, not wasting money or time on this bs as in fact I have decided to stop eating and I'm not partway through day two. I just have no interest in rebuilding AGAIN or doing this after I am old like many of you. So thus I am done. Good luck to all of you.
I do not intend to date anyone, unless true love with full acceptance of my status, not a hint of sexual desire, flowers and fireworks appears right in front of me. It would feel wrong. I am not and will never be anyone's boyfriend, end of story. If a person wants me to be their girlfriend and I'm so head over heels in love that I'd forget dysphoria and be able to kiss them? Maybe. But one thing I'll never do is let myself lose my virginity before I have an acceptable body. It would feel like being raped.
Sorry for the rant. In any case, if you don't feel like dating, don't. You MAY want to try something if you're really unsure of your choice and are a person who really learns from experience, but if you're sure already, I don't see why you should hurt yourself. It would be like burning yourself on the stove just to make sure it really hurts.
Don't let anyone tell you "you don't know until you try". If you needed to try to know, you'd know that you'd need to try. (Awkward-sounding, but it's true.) I've been told to try guy talk, alcohol, driving, physical work, and even a short attempt to date... All it got me was uneasiness, pain, depression, despair, shame and my first kiss stolen.
Trust your instincts.
Quote from: A on July 25, 2011, 10:43:21 AM
I do not intend to date anyone, unless true love with full acceptance of my status, not a hint of sexual desire, flowers and fireworks appears right in front of me. It would feel wrong. I am not and will never be anyone's boyfriend, end of story. If a person wants me to be their girlfriend and I'm so head over heels in love that I'd forget dysphoria and be able to kiss them? Maybe. But one thing I'll never do is let myself lose my virginity before I have an acceptable body. It would feel like being raped.
Sorry for the rant. In any case, if you don't feel like dating, don't. You MAY want to try something if you're really unsure of your choice and are a person who really learns from experience, but if you're sure already, I don't see why you should hurt yourself. It would be like burning yourself on the stove just to make sure it really hurts.
Don't let anyone tell you "you don't know until you try". If you needed to try to know, you'd know that you'd need to try. (Awkward-sounding, but it's true.) I've been told to try guy talk, alcohol, driving, physical work, and even a short attempt to date... All it got me was uneasiness, pain, depression, despair, shame and my first kiss stolen.
Trust your instincts.
I was a boyfriend before and omg!!!!!!!! never ever ever ever again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meh, no luck leaving numbers, poking, 'n' stuffs. Maybe I should try online stuffs. I've never made a profile to work with this though. xd
What websites do you peeps use and what kinda profiles do you end up with? O.o
I don't know that what they want is dating as a romantic deal, but more as a normal social life.
Quote from: tekla on July 28, 2011, 10:37:01 PM
I don't know that what they want is dating as a romantic deal, but more as a normal social life.
Well I have no interest in dating... cept to find the one or something serious. I don't really have an interest in many social things either...
Right, and then what's the point. You go from one form of social isolation to another. And that's not what modern psychology is about. A social life is considered normal.
Quote from: tekla on July 28, 2011, 11:27:30 PM
Right, and then what's the point. You go from one form of social isolation to another. And that's not what modern psychology is about. A social life is considered normal.
I dunno... I want to find the one some day... but I just dunno. I like one on one stuff... and a few conventions. However... I'm not much for clubs, parties, etc.