More so how long did it take for them to come around and then to fully accept? Im goin thru some rough ->-bleeped-<-, jus help to hear some other stories if you feel me
I waited too long to tell my father. He passed away before I could come out.
My mother cried and asked me why I didn't tell her when I was a child and we could have fixed the problem when I was young.
My mother was very suportive. She even told me that one of her girlfriends many years ago was MTF. (She wouldn't tell me which girlfriend it was either.)
Not every parent freaks out and has issues.
I actually haven't said anything to my family for fear reasons. Well, that and I don't know what I identify as. I feel you can't unring a bell. I'm not sure if I'll ever say anything. I'd like to see some more stories, though.
Oh and I know this is off topic, but I just wanted to say I like your new picture Cynthia. You look good.
my famely lives seperately so I came out to them diffrently.
first my mother when I where 12,
I where about to comitte suicide with a knife at my troath sayign I didnt want to live if I couldnt be a guy.
my mom let me watch a documentary about transgender people the next day and I said that where how I felt, but in the documentary there where also people who got killed so I got scared, but deside I would take the risk because I already tried to kill myself.
she showhow accepting but to be honest I only feel it because i never gave her a choice,
if she didnt accept me just a little I probebly would have been into alot of mess..
--
I came out at my brother years later around 15-17 to a school party, I had borriwed a tie from him
and went to the party who where seams as being boring, (but I had to join)
I called him and he asked if it where because I had forgot something and I said no I just thought he should know I wanted to be a guy. it where somehow positive response so I got happy to the boring party and had a great time..
--
my father where the last one, I had thinking for weeks that now it where the time,
I came out to him under breakfeast, told him how I felt,
he responsed that there where many peoplw who wanted to be something they wasnt,
wich wasnt the responce I had wished for, he said people with black hair colour them blonde and so on,
I got very emotionally but he ended up being the person who actually been most suportive.
still they all call me by female pronoucing so I am unsure how much they get and how they dont.
even when teacher, and fiends are calling me otherwise..
its hard getting out to your famely, I think you should start with your friends so if you got a bad situation then you still got people suporting you.
My parents have freaked out --- working with my therapist to have a family session ... they are so far up the far right's ass that it might take a crane to pull them out
Well, my story is not all that uplifting but I'll share anyhow.
I came out to my parents a bit more than a year ago. It's only gotten worse over time. I suppose they were in denial before. When I started T a month ago they (well, my dad) barred me from visiting the house or any of my ten siblings that live there. My mom has a more "love the sinner, hate the sin" attitude, but she submits to Dad's rules.
I guess we'll see what happens in my case.
I hope everything turns out alright for you.
Cynthia - thats amazing, very good to hear =) makes me smile for real
Darrin - hopefully youll find peace (dont mean for that to sound ->-bleeped-<-ish)
Natkat - im sorry to hear bout the hardships but youre gettin by now, family ->-bleeped-<- is rough
Rob - sounds like my parents! it sucks huh but if you get torn down you only build back stronger
SnailPace - (i like your name) your parents have the same attitude mine do, same roles as well. hope it turns out aight for you too
thanks for sharing everyone!!
Pretty much i told her when i was 9 she laughed it and never left me do girls stuff and at 15 i had enough and faught for 3 weeks with her until she accepted thats how i am.
The usual denial, but you were such a pretty girl, you bore children, yada yada. 3 years later she's one of my biggest supporters. Dad was accepting from the start, siblings accepting. The only one who had an issue was my ex-h and only because of the kids. Kids were like, Ok, what's for dinner? LOL
Scary stuff, though, because you never know how they will react.
Jay
Quote from: Lucas Bann on July 18, 2011, 02:09:28 PM
I told my mom two days ago, and thus far she's been very good with it, accepting that I have to do this, and being supportive. This is very good and I am lucky to have her. Curiously, something I didn't consider - despite being understanding about my intentions, she does not seem to understand remotely how much pain I am in and have been in over it, even though I have been suicidally depressed and have inflicted serious damage on myself. I'm good with it, though, 'cos she gets the important stuff.
Logan
Logan be careful she is going through grief but hiding it all moms do just give her time ok :D :D :D :D
Quote from: lyrikal on July 18, 2011, 01:00:09 PM
Cynthia - thats amazing, very good to hear =) makes me smile for real
Darrin - hopefully youll find peace (dont mean for that to sound ->-bleeped-<-ish)
Natkat - im sorry to hear bout the hardships but youre gettin by now, family ->-bleeped-<- is rough
Rob - sounds like my parents! it sucks huh but if you get torn down you only build back stronger
SnailPace - (i like your name) your parents have the same attitude mine do, same roles as well. hope it turns out aight for you too
thanks for sharing everyone!!
No, you didn't come off as an ->-bleeped-<- at all! Sorry to clog your thread as I don't have much of a story to share. :(
My dad isn't much affected by it. He lives over 1,000 miles away and never really talked to me before so nothings changed. Came out to him on the phone and he says he understands but I don't know and really don't care.
My mom has been awesome. I broke down crying when I told her terrified she'd kick me out. She said she loved me and would never do that. We've hit some road bumps along the way. She said me transitioning would make her depressed and blah blah blah. It took time but when I started T and she watched me face my needle fear I think it made it click how serious it was. Now she's reading about trans people in her psych class and she's becoming more understanding it just took time.
Quote from: KAL TYLER on July 18, 2011, 01:00:09 PM
Cynthia - thats amazing, very good to hear =) makes me smile for real
Darrin - hopefully youll find peace (dont mean for that to sound ->-bleeped-<-ish)
Natkat - im sorry to hear bout the hardships but youre gettin by now, family ->-bleeped-<- is rough
Rob - sounds like my parents! it sucks huh but if you get torn down you only build back stronger
SnailPace - (i like your name) your parents have the same attitude mine do, same roles as well. hope it turns out aight for you too
thanks for sharing everyone!!
yeah it can be, im getting by better but still not sure whenever my famely would be able to accept me as a man or if theyre only accep me for being "boyish".
I hope everything will turn out well, you should know your not alone..
Well I kind of got disowned by my parents (for reasons unrelated to being trans) and don't speak to them anymore. Although recently my dad has changed his mind. but I just never considered them my parents.
Instead, my aunt and uncle are much more like my parents, and who I live with now. I told them a few months ago.
My uncle was very supportive. Although we don't talk about it, if I ever wanted to, I know he'd be good about it.
But now my aunt on the other hand, she's more like trying to be supportive and thinks that she is a very supportive person, but really is not. However, she'll get really mad if I tried to tell her that. She'd be like, "How dare you think I'm not being supportive!" More like she just wants people to think she's perfect.
However, it's really not much to complain about in the large scheme of things. Other people have had much worse experiences.
My aunt also thinks that I could end up changing my mind, or that me thinking I'm trans could be a result of "childhood issues." And she wants me to get therapy for childhood issues before I decide I'm trans. That part's pretty annoying. So I just don't talk to her about it.
When I was 12, I told my mom I wanted a sex change. She immediately got religious on me, despite the fact I hadn't been to church for a year at that point. Later, she just ended up finding out the feelings never went away by reading my journal and catching me binding. When I did get around to explaining my feelings, she cried, got angry, etc. She still screams at me over it from time to time, we've had huge fights. She's forced me to shave my legs/armpits before. It's a really hard thing to hide and deal with.
She's better, now. She hasn't hidden any of my male clothes (doesn't really have a choice, since I own nothing else), she lets me use masculine bath supplies, she doesn't correct people if they call me her son in public. (But she will call me her daughter, insisting they don't know who she's referring to.) She has called me Chris, but only online. She never calls me it to my face. I'm working on her letting me get a suit jacket from a thrift shop. ^_^
My dad just found out at some point. I haven't asked him. He is somewhat religious, but since I'm not he doesn't use religion in discussions about it. He says he's still getting used to it, but he doesn't really care if I transition if I feel it's right for me. He insists I don't get a phallo because it's sensationless XD I wasn't getting one anyhow, I just love how, when my mom told him I wanted HRT and surgery (I don't want surgery unless necessary), his only concern is, "But if you get a phalloplasty, you won't be able to fully enjoy sexy funtimes D8" He's called me by my male name and is generally very accepting. '
Since he's been my father figure for as long as I can remember (my dad's been in and out of jail since I was 5): My granddad was the first person I really was honest with, and the first person who accepted it without question. He does think it's from a lack of a father figure actually living with me, but he's never discouraged my haircuts, style of dress, or anything. He does tell me to use women's restrooms, but doesn't really mind much. He picks on me when I do anything feminine. He just says that I need to grow up a happy, well-adjusted member of society, gender be damned. His wife says I have a negative female attitude, says binding will make my hips fatter, discourages all haircuts, hates how I dress, and gets annoyed if I do anything "masculine".
Well, Kal, my story won't really give you much hope, but that said, it's a good thing everyone is different.
When I was 7, I told my mom I was a boy, that I would only answer to Timothy, and that was that. Yeah... didn't exactly work. My brother was born, and she decided it was time I started acting like the girl I supposedly was.
Fast forward 17 years, when at 24 I decided to start dressing as male and doing all I could to be accepted as such. I think my mom figured something was up when I stopped shaving my face, because what self-respecting girl would grow a mustache? She sat me down and asked me what was going on, and I broke down crying. At that point, she said, "You're going to tell me you don't want to be a girl, right?" I told her it wasn't exactly that simple, but when I explained further, she said, "I know. I've known since you were a child, you've never been happy as a girl." True, it was still the concept that I just didn't "want" to be a girl, rather than that I never was to begin with, but it seemed like acceptance. She welcomed any information I could give her about what my intentions were as per transition, etc, and said she supported me and would always love me.
Two days later, she changed her tune.
In the past five years, my mother has gone from that initial, supposed acceptance, to telling me I should just dress male and never date, because if I dated women I'd be a lesbian; to alienating my partner at the time because supposedly she was the "bad influence" who made me trans; to telling me my life would be much better if I'd just follow god's plan and be the woman I, in her opinion, know I am.
When I got married to my ex-wife 4 months after coming out to my mom, my mother took it upon herself to tell my dad and brother. My brother disowned me for a year thereafter. He now talks to me, but I've never known how he thinks of me, and I'm afraid to ask. All I know is that he still refers to me by my birth name and female pronouns. My dad was angry at first, but has now come to the point where he says he'll love me regardless of what I do, but that he's old (he's 71) and just can't remember to do things differently. It's a cop-out, yeah, but unless my mom is around (she's incredibly controlling and manipulative), he never uses my birth name, and has even referred to me as "he" three or four times. He's just never been a supportive guy, in this or anything else, so he and I still have no relationship.
What I've realized at this point is that my mother's abuse since I came out to her has made me hate myself as a transman. I had no compunctions about transitioning when I first realized I could do it, and never thought of myself as aberrant. However, after enough verbal abuse over 5 years bashing every part of me that I should be proud of, I'm now mired in horrendous self-esteem and have managed to lose my fiancee over it.
The best advice I can give you is to make sure you're okay with you, regardless of all else. Your parents may come around, or they may not. But if you don't let it hurt you, you'll be far better off in the end. This isn't to say that you separate yourself from them, just that you make sure you'll be okay regardless of what they do. Remember, it's you who has to struggle daily with the fact that you weren't born into the right body. It's you who's embarking on this tough journey, not them. They have a right to suss out their feelings, but they have no right to make you feel guilty for being who you are. Good luck, man, and if you need to talk, you know how to reach me.
As you can see family reactions can be as varied as people are.
Although my parents and most of the people in my life have accepted me there is one person in my life who isn't exactly non suportive but she is not suportive at all.
My sister and I ussed to have a love hate relationship. We were close frenimies.
When I came out her attitude completely changed to me. Instead of friendly rivalry she became cold and clinical. My transition is a science project too her. When we talked about my transition everything she wanted to talk about was the medical and scientific realities if being trans.
I am just a curious subject for research to my sister now.
I'm 24. I only came out to my mother a few months ago. She got very upset at first, but is now guardedly supportive and even introduced me to some people by my male name last week. I still haven't come out to my dad, but I've given myself a deadline for that. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it--he's the kind of guy who wipes down furniture with holy water after I've sat in it reading books on non-Christian spirituality. And guess what? I'm unemployed and I'm stuck living with him! Yay...
I'd like to be able to say that I knew at age five or whatever that I was a Man and that was that. Nope. Mostly I just wanted to be a dragon or an alien. I knew I had a female body, and I thought that meant I should be happy as a female. There were no transsexuals and hardly any out queer folk where I grew up (Alaska) so I had no idea there was any other option than just being horribly uncomfortable in my body and envious of my male friends (plus most of the men i knew were jerks--I didn't want to be like them). I suspected that I was queer, but had no idea why I was queer. I didn't like boys, or girls, or anyone, frankly. Once I moved to Cali, met some men I could respect, and started picking the locks on all the mental cages I'd made for myself, I eventually admitted to a friend that I'd probably be a lot happier in a male body and really wanted to wear men's clothes but didn't feel safe doing it--and verbalizing it, finally, that got the ball rolling. So coming out is along time coming, in other words.
I can make a good prediction. My mother will probably throw a tantrum for 3 hours until she falls asleep, knock down all my stuff, threaten to overdose and say that I'm not her kid anymore. I don't know what it will mean but she'll say it. My dad will be accepting.
Quote from: KAL TYLER on July 18, 2011, 12:11:02 PM
More so how long did it take for them to come around and then to fully accept? Im goin thru some rough ->-bleeped-<-, jus help to hear some other stories if you feel me
My mom wasn't upset at first b/c I was so upset, we had got'n into a fight about something, and she asked me if I was gay, and I told her, "no it's not that",
and she said, "you want to be a boy", and I was like, "yeah."
She's not really accepting or un-accepting. She still calls me by my female name and refers to me as female. I don't see her ever calling me Dominick. Our relationship is
okay. But there were stages we went through and I'm sure there will be more once I have the money to get my surgery,name and maker changed over to male. I'm sure we
will be fighting again.
My mom's initial reaction was more or less along the lines of "So?" I told her right after the ball dropped on new year's night, while we were drinking champagne and hanging out. I told her that this was part of why I'd hated myself so much, why I cut myself for years and all that crap. She was relieved to finally have a reason. We didn't really talk about it until a few days later, where we had a surprisingly funny little "Q & A " kind of thing. My mom's amazing.
I haven't told my dad yet, we're not really that close and I'm really kind of scared to. He always wanted a daughter, and I've never really be one. I'm scared at times that this'll be the final nail in the coffin.
I told my mother about a week before Christmas (the one before last) and she just kind of gave me this blank look and was like 'Okay.' I think she was in denial for a long time, she wouldn't talk about it with me at all for a couple of months, but when I told her I needed to make a doctors appointment she didn't complain or anything, just went ahead and made the arangements. I told my step-father a few weeks after that, and he seemed to be very understanding. He asked me a bunch of questions which I answered truthfully, and ended up saying, 'Okay, well if that's what you think you need to do. But we won't pay for any of it.' Lol, so I agreed that of course I'd be paying for everything transition related.
My father lives on the other side of the country, so I came out to him on one of my visits over there. I'm the only child he's ever had, and I've always been his 'little girl', so I thought he'd take it badly, but he just grinned and told me 'Well now I get the experience of having a girl, a boy, a straight child and a gay one' and said he was completely supportive. Everyone in my family knows now, and all seem to be supportive in their own way. No one would call me Max when I said I was going to change it, but the minute the paperwork was filed they all started trying, and a couple of weeks later my old name was all but eliminated from the family. I have a very clear memory of going to a fundraising event my sister was a part of the night my name change had been finalised, and she went to introduce me to some people and I had this sinking in my gut, only to have her say 'And this is Max.' When they'd left and she'd seen the shocked look on my face I remember her smiling and saying, 'Don't worry, Mum told me it was changed today, I've got you covered.'
It's been ten months since then, and everything has been pretty good. I had one massive blow up with my mother when I told her to stop calling me my puppy's 'mother', to date the only argument we've ever had about it, in which she told me, 'Well I'm sorry, but you're not a man yet, and I don't have to call you anything!' I was so upset, but a couple of days later she started cutting back on calling me his mother, and even eventually started calling me his father, and saying 'mr' instead of 'missy' when referring to me. Everyone else has slowly started following her lead and been using more male terms when referring to me.
At first my mother seemed very unsupportive, but now she seems to have no problem with it, and will even joke about it with my brother and I. I think sometimes parents just need some time to adjust, even if that takes months or even a few years.
Quote from: MaxAloysius on July 19, 2011, 02:11:03 AM
I had one massive blow up with my mother when I told her to stop calling me my puppy's 'mother',t
i cant tell my mom to not call me my petss dad just because i know it will hurt her... and i am glad to hear its all working out for you :D
When I first told my mum, she was kinda confused and a little off her game.. After about 2 weeks, my aunt and uncle (who mum lives with) asked me what was going on with mum, as they'd noticed something was troubling her.. So I told them and they were understanding and accepting.. They were then able to bring the subject up with my mum and had a few conversations about, after which mum has been behind me 110%..
Well, I came out to my grandmother first, who is basically my parents. I wrote a letter, and her reaction was primarily confusion. Growing up in a small town in North Carolina didn't leave much options in the way of knowing about this sort of thing. But through some questions, talking with a therapist with me, when she knew what exactly what it was. She was completely accepting, a sort of "we thought you were a lesbian, but this makes complete sense now". She didn't want to tell the family herself, she felt I should. It took her a long time to get out of the habit of the female pronouns and habits, but generally she's amazing about it and everything.
My father called me for the first time since I was like 12, a couple years ago after I started T. He thought he was talking to my brother. I told him flat out what I was, because what he thinks of me has no affect on me what so ever. Apparently he's really accepting, not hesitating to call me by my name. He always likes to make random comments on how I "Look just like him". Unfortunately for him, I look more like my mother, but he can go run into a pole. Wow, this is a really bitter. Haha. I even changed my last name from his last name to my mother's maiden name. That pissed him off a bit. I enjoyed it.
Horribly. Never knew my dad, but I told my my mom when I was about 14 and she freaked out running around the house yelling "You want to grow a penis!!!!" and then she drove off and didn't come back until about 3AM. No idea where she went or what she did.
When I was 15 she moved out to live with her boyfriend and I stayed with my grandparents. The distance helped our relationship some and over the years she seemed more accepting of the LGBT community so around 16 I tried coming out again. She acted like she had no clue and that I never told her before. In a nutshell her reaction was "That's gross! Why are you doing this to me!! God made you a girl!!!" She's barley religious and when I pointed that out she said "I don't care you should be a girl because that's how I tried to raise you."
Then, for a couple months she went threw a phase where she would always tell me I looked horrible and that I was dirty and smelled. I guess I looked really butch which to some people may be horrible, but I wasn't dirty and I didn't smell. I'm really hairy and I had stopped shaving from head to toe and started using mens deodorant. To her having body hair makes you dirty and not smelling like a woman's perfume meant that I smelled. She started buying me a ton of make up and lady products. There was a period where she would not leave me alone about not wearing a purse. According to her all women have to. She would buy them then bitch at me for being ungrateful and not using them or any of the other stuff she got. She would say things like "Why wont you use a purse? Do you think it makes you more manly?" Eventually she dropped it all and went back to ignoring it.
Didn't bring it up again until last fall. She had called me and started yelling about it. I made it clear to her that I was planning on transitioning after I become financially independent. So she said she would stop helping me pay for college. In her mind lacking a college degree would stop me from getting a job that pays enough to finance my transition. Then I would never transition. She also said she would talk every thing over with my step dad and they will decided if they are going to disown me. They did stop helping me pay for college, but they haven't disowned me. And to the best of my knowledge she never has mentioned me being transgender with my step dad. She is embarrassed by it so I don't think she is going to be bringing it up unless she feels she really has to. Her biggest fears are what all her friends will think. She also has some ->-bleeped-<-ed up idea that me being trans will some how cause her to loose custody of my baby sister if her and my step dad ever get divorced.
Currently we are back to ignoring everything. It's been about 9 months since the last time I mentioned anything trans related to her. I've decided not to bring it up unless she does. I'm still living with my grandparents and going to college. Working a minimum wage job, managed to save 2k so far. It is my goal to start T before the summer ends. Next semester I am taking all my classes online, figured it will make it easier if I wasn't stuck in a room full of people who have the potential to make things very awkward. As of now my plan is pretty poor. To explain the future doctor visits I'm just saying its for PCOS and blame the initial changes on PCOS. My grandparents aren't supportive, but I don't think they are going to kick me out. My grandma does know. I'm not sure if my grandfather has overheard or been told anything. My grandma has recently noticed how hairy I am. I have no idea how she's missed this, or why all of the sudden she is mentioning it. I'm guessing my mother mentioned it to her. The other day she said "You have hobbit feet!" She learned about hobbits from the Big Bang Theory. Then she said "Just because you are really hairy doesn't mean you need a sex change. Plenty of the women on the Italian side are hairy. Just get rid of it." I guess at some point I mentioned that al t of FTMs have PCOS and she asked me why my cousin who has PCOS isn't trans.
My support system is currently a party of one. I did come out to a friend and he is the only one that knows. My grandma technically isn't supportive, but she will buy me mens clothing, deodorant, and what not. Her biggest concerns are how people will treat me and she is worried that I will end up more miserable. She has said things before along the lines of if I already looked like a man that she would be ok with it, but because I'm soooo pretty its a shame and horrible. I don't get how it goes from "People can't tell if your a man or a woman!" to "You're so beautiful!!"I think quite a few people assume I'm an MTF. I still go to work in lady mode and the other day a kid asked their mom if I was a man. I was even wearing a pink shirt. When my Grandma realizes I've started T I think she will freak at first, but after some changes and she realizes that it's possible for me to blend into and function within society she will come around.