Hey guys. Not entirely sure where to post about this. So I came out to my mom recently, which is good and all. But here is some quick background: parents divorced when I was 9; mom moved to halfway across the country; married my step dad after a year of living there; I saw here maybe once a year the first 7 or 8 years and more recently have seen her at least once, if not twice a year. In the past, she has not supported gay marriage. When I asked "so if I wanted to marry a girl, you don't think we'd deserve the same rights as you and my step-dad?" and without hesitation told me "no, i don't". Least to say, it's definitely been a rocky relationship with my mother. Never really talked much. I never cared to tell her that much because my thoughts were "You left. And not only that, but moved halfway across the country. You were talking to my step dad BEFORE you were divorced. I don't care to speak with you." I still talked to her, but I never went out of my way to. There has never been much an acknowledgement from her end about these things. And I mean more the fact that they happened and the impact on her children and my dad, as opposed to how it just affected her. So there is much that I feel my mom does not deserve because she skipped out on over half my life.
Fast foward. I decided to come out to my mom in a personal message, instead of finding out when I post a coming out note on facebook. I didn't want to, but at the same time I knew it would be the best idea to avoid headache down the road. She has been very receptive, to my surprise. She says she loves me and what's to support me. Much of the conversation has been how she is feeling about it and my responses being supportive suggestions on how to, in a sense, 'deal with this'. Yesterday however, she sent me this message:
"Speaking of Alek. Um I was wondering if you would consider throwing Alexander in there somewhere. Then I could say Alexander, M, J, C and A (my younger brothers' names). And of course you could shorten it and to Alek. Anyway just sayin'. It would help me feel a part of your chance"
There are multiple things that bother me about this message. I think the one most of all is the tone of voice that I sense. Which while not one of "you must do what i say" it gives me the feeling of trying to control something. And it's frustrating. I mean, isn't TELLING her about this being part of my change? Ugh. God. Sorry, I just don't know how to react to this. I had already considered Alexander. I ended up choosing 'Alek' and even considered 'Aleks' (pronounced like Alex). After reading her message however, it gave me the idea of 'Aleksander' which I highly enjoy. I would still go by Alek though. So now, if I did decide to do that...I would want to make it clear that I did so because I wanted to, not because she wanted me to. It's very much a possessive "It's my transition, not yours" sort of attitude right now. Ugh.
To be clear: I never asked for either of my parents opinion on my name change. I talked to a couple friends to kind of get a feel for it but that was it.
So my questions to you guys are:
Has anyone else have this happen to them? If so, how did you react?
Am I being overdramatic?
Is it overstepping boundaries to send that message??
And really, any other views. I just need an outside perspective on this. Thanks guys and gals :)
As a parent of an ftm .... I would have loved to have some imput into my son's new name. After trying to decide on the name before birth & how there is that connection of picking the name and why you chose the name you did ... but we are very close to our son ... we have raised him and he comes to our house over college breaks so I don't know if that matters.
It was very hard having him pick a name without having any impute .... that's just one parent's thoughts.
Alek, from the distance that yer mother put in ya'alls relationship, I would say you decide what is best for yerself . ellen
Yeah I had pretty much this very thing happen. For some relevant background, my parents never let me work while I lived with them so I never had any money. My mother acted accepting, but only if she got to control everything. She made sure I didn't have the money for the court fees for a name change, so I had to either accept what she wanted for a name or keep being called an even more incorrect name. Well it's an obvious choice between the lesser of two evils, but it still bothers me to this day.
If you like the name / a name that your parents want you to use then great. If you don't then go with what you feel comfortable with. After all you are the one who will be living with it. Think of all the times you will have to use it, friends, your address, checks, credit card, employment, license, school if you're in it/will be...
I don't think you are being overly dramatic at all. There is so little that we can really call ours, and of course people like us have even less than cis people, so I believe it is all the more important to at least have your own name.
Personally, when I come out, my parents will get no input into my new name. I don't care what they
want. I had the opposite sort of childhood, where my dad was rather abusive and always shoving
his desires down my throat. No boundries, never leaving me any personal space or allowing me any
sense of self. For me, it's starting over....but by my choices...and no one elses. After that sort
of youth, it's very important to me for my name to be my own.
= = =
Everyone's experience is different though...
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If you like Aleksander, I say go with it...unless the path that brought you to the name (an altered form of your mom's suggestion) will tarnish it too much for you every time you hear it.
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I don't think you're being over-dramatic at all. It sounds like in the past she was selfish, and she hurt you.
I wouldn't feel obligated to follow her suggestion either. Though, even if they were a perfect parent, I still wouldn't feel obligated to do what they say. I'd just feel more willing to consider the words of someone that showed respect and love toward me, rather than neglect or worse. In the end, it's your name...you're the one that has to live with it for the rest of your life.
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On the other hand, even people who frustrate, anger, and hurt us are capable of making good suggestions...or suggestions that lead us to something that we like...no matter how frustrated it may make us to hear it. :P
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It appears that you do like the name Aleksander. It sounds like you want to reject the name, mainly so that your mom doesn't either A) think she has some sort of control and B) to keep her from feeling connected to you (perhaps as punishment for the past) as something she "does not deserve". Forgiveness is a difficult thing to find within ourselves for those that have hurt us over long stretches of time...and even more difficult for those that don't apologize, and are unwilling to change those hurtful ways. I don't know how you should feel toward your mom, or what she "deserves." I honestly don't think what she "deserves" really matters. From personal experience, I can tell you that trying to impose what someone "deserves" on them, really only hurts you...because you just keep reliving the pain and hurt feelings. Accept who they are currently, work through the pain of the past, and then decide what you want...and how much, if any, a part they will play in your life from here. (Easy to say...hard to do...especially with family)
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What is important is this: It's your life. What do you want? How do you feel? And where does the name "Aleksander" fall when you ask those questions?
I've been stuck on this myself for a while now. I'm not much of a fan of my current name but non the less it is the name that my mother and father wanted me to have. I know the name I would have had if i was born female (my mom's doc at the time she was pregnant with me was against ultrasounds) from the conversations I've had with my mother and I think I would just go with that.
But then again I do have a fairly decent relationship with my mother... enough of one that I'm somewhat positive she wouldn't make my name something completely void of reason and sanity...
or maybe not.
Guess I'm still stuck on this one.
I think its awesome she even not only wants to still know you and talk to you but she is even suggesting name "ideas" to you. I'm sure she already KNOWS she cant choose it for you and whatever you decide will be the end result. If I were you I would take this opportunity to bond with her. Sounds like you really have a place in her heart. My dad wont even call me by my name or talk to me.
Sounds like she wants to keep contact, but also have a bit of control too. I'd go with whatever you feel like.
My son ,who is FtM, chose my and my father's, middle names for his first and middle names. I didn't really have any input apart from telling him my Dad's middle name when he asked.
Karen.
Alek,
I realize that every cisgender probably has a different family experience just as every transgender probably has a different family experience. Of course these effect whether a person sees a parent as controlling or just wanting to take part in naming their (new to them) son or daughter again.
If my son or daughter was transgender and told me I would be very happy to help with a name or even offer without being asked just for the joy of taking part. To me that would bring back the time of looking through the window counting fingers and toes and thanking God they were all right. After all, they're my kids and since mine already do things I do not agree with (being p.k.'s) why should I draw the line with them being transgender? To me turning my back on them would be unthinkable. God gave them to me and I accept what they've become even when I disagree. I may tell them I disagree with something but I can't hate them or turn on them. My daughters will always be my little girls and my son the closest guy I know and care about. I love them too much. Hence, why I would take part.
Only you know what is right and only you have the final say.
What is important is that if you are one of the rare ones that has a close relationship with your parents and they support you to the extent that they are willing to take part don't turn on them like they are some control freak.
If they are jerks or control freaks that's another story.
Just my opinion of little worth as a cisgender dad.
Thanks for all the responses :) You guys have seriously helped me feel a lot better about this. I really appreciate the open views here. I'm gonna try to be more receptive of her involvement, but it's probably gonna take some time. Also, for those wondering, I have decided on the name Aleksander :) Again thanks you guys for you kind, thoughtful and wise words!! Much love to you all!!
When I changed my name I did not consult my mom. She was somewhat hurt. She figured that as she was my mom she should have had the chance to name me.
Can't say I argue with her. But it was too late. I had chosen and I like my name. Besides I have been Cynthia since I was a child about 4 years old, whenever we would play house I was always the mom. :) I figured the name I have ussed since childhood should be my name.
But after I thought on it I really wished I had let my mom name me. She has been supper suportive of my transition. I really couldn't ask more of her.
Part of it may just be that parents have always had a say in naming their children. I guess that word, "their" says it all. You are still her child and even though you are an adult she feels she should have some say in naming you. There are just some things that mothers never give up. No matter how old you get, or who you are, you are always her child.
Check with yourself if you have children, do you feel the same way about them. If you don't and you think you will someday. Will they always be your children no matter how old they are.
Who am I to say, but an old Grandma.