I'm really getting sick of everything now. You think you had things going well and building it up, and then life comes along and knocks the whole thing over. I made huge sacrifices and put everything on the line to finally transition, to do this. To confront my gender issues, and to just get the heck on with my life. Today was "supposed" to be my letter writing day to forward to the doctor for my appt on the 5th. But instead of that, my counselor placed a giant freaking roadblock in front of me instead. I was coming out of my last denial cycle at the beginning of summer, and then she said she had no doubts that I would do this transition, but also that she wanted to see this consistently happening for a few months before she allows it. Also she is concerned about what happens if my apathy and depression comes back on me during hormone treatment....I have had chronic problems with depression my whole life, how the hell can you expect me to get out of that easily? Also, what IF, it is because of the wrong hormones that are dragging me down like that? But oh wait, can't do that if she puts up the roadblock.
I keep struggling forward with life, and it never seems like it is going to get better. I try, I work hard, I keep plugging away, but has it amounted to anything so far? Nope. I'm freaking sick of it. I just WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE. Is that too much to ask???? Also I feel like I'm a silent voice around here on Susan's, like I'm not even in existence here, or that my posts are just not payed any attention to, even if I am trying to be there for others. I have spent so much time trying to reconstruct my life socially from the events of the past 2-3 years, and it feels like it is amounting to nothing. Why do I even try? What does it matter to me, or anyone else?
I'm sorry that you are struggling with yet another roadblock. That sucks. I know that you've had more than your fair share of struggles.
You and your posts do matter. I haven't been around a long as you but I read your posts evey time I see them and have been following your story.
I understand wanting to just live your life. I want this too. It seems like all I ever do is wait. Please don't give up your fight, it will get better.
I just want to tell you...I hear you. Transitioning is hard...and the hardest part, is having patience. I went through a similar situation when I first started transitioning. A therapist telling me, I needed to deal with other things in my life before I made the switch. And I was pissed! And it sucked! And, she was right. I needed to deal with the depression...family issues....coming out...before I could take the next step.
ALL i CAN SAY IS...BREATHE....it does'nt all have to happen today. transitioning is hard. And, for myself, I am glad I took the time to get the rest of my life in order first. It has made the transitioning sooo much easier.
Just adding to my last post. In all the years I have been transitioning, and looking to connect, Susan's is the first forum that I feel a part of. There are more people joining every day. don't let go yet. Even though I don't know many here, I have read the posts. there are good people here. Don't let go. Yea....this stuff isn't easy. But just keep posting...keep talking....keep ...keeping on. You matter!
I was once given the advice that transition is an ocean and you can cross it in a speedboat or you can cross in an oceanliner. Yes it takes longer in the oceanliner, but your journey is much more stable. I share many of your same feelings. I also had a counselor tell me once that there are no such things as roadblocks, only obstacles. You can drive around an obstacle.
Being a woman, being human is hard. Learn your way around the roadblocks now in the safe environment of therapy and your transition away from therapy will pass much easier.
Love the Speedboat/Oceanliner analogy :)
Be patient Findingreason, you will get there :)
What everyone else said. ;D
And I've never met you before, I don't know you...Hi, I'm Sage, by the way. :laugh: ...but from what I'm hearing from these other lovely people here...you DO have a voice, a bigger one than you think, and you DO matter.
And patience is a virtue and a good one to have, even when all you can think about is getting from point A to point B....and sometimes it does feel like crawling from A to Z and bumping into every letter in between, but it does get better.
Please believe us on this, for we know it to be true. And if you need to rant ever again, because there will be days like that every now and then...we'll be there. :)
I like the speedboat/liner analogy too. Just show her that you can cope with the wait and that you are beating your depression. Have a hug too sis.
Karen.
Thank you all for your replies...it's been a rough week. :( I haven't replied yet cause I've been trying to get myself back up straight. As impatient as I may be, it is true...all I can do is deal with what is here in front of me right now, and just work from there, until future avenues open up. Additionally, I am in a time of much change, not just with understanding of gender, of coping with it, but also internally on many of my beliefs, the river of life has taken me down new meandering paths that I did not expect. It's been quite a trip, and one that is scary, but one that I am gradually becoming more willing to let happen. It ultimately is bringing me to face past trauma and pain and grow from it.
**hugs to all**