I'm kind of...stuck.
I recently realized that I'm stuck in this kind of...perpetual bull->-bleeped-<- nothing-is-ever-going-to-work-because-nothing-is-ever-going-to-work cycle. From hell. On steroids.
I sound like a moron. I've just got so much ->-bleeped-<- on my mind right now that it's making me sick, I'm crying over nothing half the time and I'm feeling like a complete, stupid failure. IN SPITE of the fact that I'm actually DOING something. Hell, I'm about to start getting paid for crappy drawings that I don't even want. I'm getting ROYALTIES, DAMNIT.
I just want to kick myself in the head and scream "BE JUBILANT, GODDAMN YOU, YOU ARE GETTING MONEY NOW."
I think the core of this is my dad. Honestly. I'm out to almost everyone I know. My family doesn't care, they're not doing great with pronouns and adjusting, but they could care less what I call myself of how I dress. They're amazing, especially my mom and aunts. My dad's side, I don't consider family, except my uncle (and his girlfriend). They've never treated me like family, so I see no reason to treat them any different. I don't plan on telling them, and when I completely and legally move out, I plan on cutting them out like an ugly little tumor.
But my dad. My ->-bleeped-<-ing dad.
When I was a kid, we were really close. We moved, I got stuck in catholic school, and I blamed him for it for years. By time I got old enough to realize it wasn't his fault, the damage was already done, and we were stuck in a mutual resentment of each other. My dad had always wanted a daughter, and he got me. My dad wanted to go hiking and ->-bleeped-<-, I wanted to hide in my room because I was afraid of everyone. A bunch of things happened that I'm not going to talk about, and we got a little better. Took about 4 goddamn years, but we were talking. We were getting along, and it was really nice.
My dog died. This dog was everything to my parents, especially my dad. We'd had him for 10 years, and he was always...I don't even know. He was wonderful. He always made people smile. When we lost him, my dad seemed to die with him. He went head-long into Russian Orthodoxy, and started turning into a douche bag. He got snappy at everyone, he's constantly at church or wasting money my family doesn't have on stupid figurines and ->-bleeped-<-, and just generally becoming unpleasant. I started thinking more and more, he's going to hate me. They're going to completely brainwash him, and he's going to completely hate me.
My dad has an awful temper, but he's NEVER been violent. Ever. The most violent thing I've ever seen him do is kick or slam a door. I'm still terrified of him. I'm terrified that stupid church is going to rot his mind, and he's going to kill me because I'm a disgusting little abomination.
I was talking to my aunt a few weeks ago, venting about this whole gender thing, and she mentioned that my dad had been saying unpleasant things about the recent legalization of gay marriage here (NY). That...messed with me. My parents used to have this guy over, I called him Aunt Micheal, all the time. He was a mega-queen, super flamboyant, and one of the most wonderful people I'd ever met. My dad and him used to CONSTANTLY joke around, hitting on each other. He was amazing...I'd kill to be able to talk to him now, about all of this. My dad had never cared about me dating Julie, had never cared about anything gay or gay related. He'd always just seemed neutral, "to each their own" kind of thing.
Now I'm hearing that he's posting all sorts of insanity on his facebook. When I use my parents computer, and go on facebook, he's always logged in and it looks like a lunatic's wall. Prayer ->-bleeped-<-, apocalypse ->-bleeped-<-, all varieties of ->-bleeped-<-.
And then it hit me last night just how screwed I am.
I *technically* still live with my parents. I'm not on the lease with my partners, but I stay there 5-6 days out of the week. So, all of my mail goes to my parents.
I was planning on scraping up the money to at least legally change my name sometime soon, and then I realized it would go to my house. As would all of my paperwork, with that new name. And my dad would see it. And probably, given his God Given Need to be a dick to anyone not "saved", would go ape ->-bleeped-<-.
That snowballed into about a million other paranoias. He's going to hate me. He's going to disown me. I'm going to break up my parents' already nearly-nonexistant marriage.
I am so ->-bleeped-<-ed.
I feel like my heart is breaking right now, and even though I woke up fine, and ready to get some serious work done, I'm thinking about just locking myself in the bathroom and crying until I get the balls to kill myself or do something seriously productive. I don't know. I don't know at all right now.
My girlfriend should be home soon, and I'm hoping that'll help. Not really counting on it, but at least she'll be here to drag me in off the porch if need be.
I'm so ->-bleeped-<-ing sick of being scared.
My advice probably wouldn't work well for you because I don't live with family so it's easy for me to do whatever but you have an awesome style of writing and I really like reading your posts even though I feel really bad about how much pain you are in. I hope your girlfriend can help you.
Post office box
Espo, I actually appreciate that a lot.
I always figured I sounded like a ranting psycho when I get into modes like this. What's weird is I went into this post kind of amused and not in a bad mood, and kind of just digressed into...yeah.
LordKat, I didn't even think of that. I feel like a damn moron now.
I have done as much. (today even)