Another rambling from Darrin, but lately I've been feeling depressed and wanting to get on T and stuff. I've been going back and forth on the issue for almost a year. I keep going back and forth, but Sunday I went out with my family and my brother's girlfriend just had a baby. I'm not out to them, but they kept calling me aunt *birth name*. Usually being called by my birth name is a slight annoyance, but lately it reminds me that I may never be Darrin beyond a few friends and the internet. I got really depressed about it Sunday and I'm wondering if I really should transition. Even the idea of not being "really trans" depresses the hell out of me. No, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am depressed over it. I feel happy being bound and with my packer. I NEVER wear my packer around family and barely wear it out of my bedroom. I get ->-bleeped-<- sometimes for binding. Something my family thinks a quick breast reduction will fix. I'm still in therapy and am trying to make another appointment. I'm seriously considering asking him to write me a letter. I know, I know, getting T won't fix all my problems. I'm not looking for it to. It's just becoming clearer that this is the path for me.....
Quote from: Darrin Scott on August 16, 2011, 03:29:57 PM
Another rambling from Darrin, but lately I've been feeling depressed and wanting to get on T and stuff. I've been going back and forth on the issue for almost a year. I keep going back and forth, but Sunday I went out with my family and my brother's girlfriend just had a baby. I'm not out to them, but they kept calling me aunt *birth name*. Usually being called by my birth name is a slight annoyance, but lately it reminds me that I may never be Darrin beyond a few friends and the internet. I got really depressed about it Sunday and I'm wondering if I really should transition. Even the idea of not being "really trans" depresses the hell out of me. No, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am depressed over it. I feel happy being bound and with my packer. I NEVER wear my packer around family and barely wear it out of my bedroom. I get ->-bleeped-<- sometimes for binding. Something my family thinks a quick breast reduction will fix. I'm still in therapy and am trying to make another appointment. I'm seriously considering asking him to write me a letter. I know, I know, getting T won't fix all my problems. I'm not looking for it to. It's just becoming clearer that this is the path for me.....
It's natural to be depressed before Testosterone, worrying that you'll never get to your goal or live life the way that you want to.
I think you should consider outting yourself to your family. If it's truly bothering you not being who you are, then it is my advice to do so. I'm sure with time they'll come to accept you as who you are. You are their child, and from the sound of it- you sound like you have a close family. Most guys and girls that are trans that have problems getting their parents to be accepting don't really have a close relationship with them as it is. Now don't get me wrong, some people that have close relationships with their families never get accepted either, so let me warn you on this. However, how will you ever know if your family/friends or anyone really, really loves you unless you're honest about who you TRULY are, rather than what you are conforming to...
" I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."
Going on Testosterone is your choice. Do not start it unless you are ready for the consequences that follow. If you DO go on it, you're going to have to tell your family anyways. You may as well let it out now so that they can get USED TO IT before your body does change. If you're like me, and family means a lot,, it's best to tell them. My family is as homophobic, transphobic and closeminded as it gets; or at least they were. They've accepted me, and I believe (truly so) that if my family can do so, then yours can to. I won't tell you it's easy. I was terrified and things still aren't GREAT. They suck at keeping up with pronouns and they STILL slip with my birth name, but it's better that they know what's going to happen with my body before it actually starts happening.
I'm starting T next month, and they've known about it since March. They've gotten used to the fact that its GOING to happen, regardless of how they feel about it. They accept it and they know that ULTIMATELY it is MY life, just like it's YOUR life.
Be who you are; whoever that is, Darrin.
Quote from: Darrin Scott on August 16, 2011, 03:29:57 PM
Another rambling from Darrin, but lately I've been feeling depressed and wanting to get on T and stuff. I've been going back and forth on the issue for almost a year. I keep going back and forth, but Sunday I went out with my family and my brother's girlfriend just had a baby. I'm not out to them, but they kept calling me aunt *birth name*. Usually being called by my birth name is a slight annoyance, but lately it reminds me that I may never be Darrin beyond a few friends and the internet. I got really depressed about it Sunday and I'm wondering if I really should transition. Even the idea of not being "really trans" depresses the hell out of me. No, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am depressed over it. I feel happy being bound and with my packer. I NEVER wear my packer around family and barely wear it out of my bedroom. I get ->-bleeped-<- sometimes for binding. Something my family thinks a quick breast reduction will fix. I'm still in therapy and am trying to make another appointment. I'm seriously considering asking him to write me a letter. I know, I know, getting T won't fix all my problems. I'm not looking for it to. It's just becoming clearer that this is the path for me.....
Darrin, I think the biggest clue that t is the right choice for you is that you have basically worked that out for yourself. Also, never say never about being accepted. I don't know your whole story, but people will surprise you, and many who don't will eventually come around. Do what feels right for you.
Thanks guys.
I'm thinking of coming out, but I'm going to talk to my therapist about it first. I'm not quite sure what to say or how to say it. I'm just really scared. I'm scared of the questions and if I'll have answers. I'm scared if I'm "trans enough".
I really just came here to mention something from my own experience.
My nephew is currently 4-years-old, and after I came out my sister told me that she wished I had come out before he was born or soon afterwards -- before he was talking -- so that they could start him on the right name and pronouns, because a switch would be hard for him. I understood and I actually agree: I wish that I had come out beforehand, though I honestly think from other experiences with my nephew that the hardest part is actually hearing other people calling me by the wrong pronouns and name. But, the point is, if you truly are at the point where you feel it's time to come out then, as far as your brother's kid, the sooner the better. The more time they have to practice proper pronouns and names, the better.
Now I have a task in front of me of not only getting the rest of my family to use masculine pronouns and the right name, but figuring out how to explain to my nephew to do so as well while the poor kid has to listen to adults in his life confusing him by using the wrong words.
Just some friendly advice that I think will make it easier both on you as well as your niece or nephew, though this is by no means a push for you to come out if you're not actually ready. I guess just something to think about -- something that I personally realized too late to help me out much.
As for your concerns of being "trans enough": there's no such thing. If the pronouns and the name bother you so much, start there. You seem to be thinking more and more about testosterone, but you don't necessarily have to start that immediately. Maybe just work more at binding, maybe packing too. Would it work to just explain to them what is going on at the moment? How you feel now and what you're trying to work through and figure out? That could be enough.
Also, everyone's scared before they come out. Your therapist could be of great benefit though with making you feel more prepared in that. And remember: there's no actual need to rush this process.
I'm actually pretty recently out to my parents as well. Not quite a month yet. It's been rough, but at least they're both somewhat accepting, my dad more so than my mom.
Try telling them while having a day together, or just going to a restaurant. This is the sort of thing those bonding moments are for.
And I agree, there is no such thing as being "trans enough". Nothing further than what you think is right for you. They may not, and probably won't understand that at first, but they never will if you don't tell them.
If you think there is a chance that they'd disown you, then hold off and make sure you have a backup. But from the sounds of it, your parents seem like they genuinely care about you.
Quote from: darrin.scott on August 16, 2011, 05:29:00 PM
I'm scared if I'm "trans enough".
if you are generally uncomfortable living your life "as a woman" and would prefer to live it as a man, then you are "trans enough". the hormones and surgeries don't matter nearly as much as the identity.
Quote from: -Ryan- on August 16, 2011, 11:10:27 PM
if you are generally uncomfortable living your life "as a woman" and would prefer to live it as a man, then you are "trans enough". the hormones and surgeries don't matter nearly as much as the identity.
Thanks. I know I want hormones, but I don't know if I
need them. I think it should be more of a need than a want. I also get down when I'm not read as male now.
Quote from: darrin.scott on August 17, 2011, 12:49:54 PM
Thanks. I know I want hormones, but I don't know if I need them. I think it should be more of a need than a want. I also get down when I'm not read as male now.
well, if being read as male is something that would make you able to go about your business the way you feel you should then it's not just a "want" like you "want" an xbox for christmas. this is something that will improve your quality of life on the most basic level if you are trans. hormones are an almost sure-fire way to passing, but i know you already know that.