Sorry for my language if you get offended by that sort of thing. Its just nothing could convey my attitude much clearer.
You see, I put the gun in my mouth, the only doubt I had was whether or not a 20 gauge would blow my head off.
As a beautiful human being who has walked paths barefoot that other wouldnt even fly over, I began wondering if I even deserve to feel this kind of pain.
My spouse, has also endured this trial, and I am positive she does not deserve this.
Now, it would seem that I am cared for, loved, and appreciated by anyone who is in my life longer than a few days. This has to mean something.
Ive spent my life thinking I was always beneath everyone, and everyone was always more "normal", better looking, whatever. It got to the point where I just accept it, and I just try to be honest.
For years, my only secret has been my undying need to be female. The hardest secret I ever kept.
I am about 2.5 months on HRT, I am out to all those who are close to me. Ive lost good friends ( I always knew they werent) and basically my parents. So what do I have to lose?
Ive been on the edge of suicide, desperately wanting to die. My parents dont seem to want to see me, so what is there to lose?
Ive decided to be me, yes at work I dress for work, which is jeans t shirt and boots, but Im not hiding anymore. I am me, and how can anyone tell me, its not okay?
So what Im not meghan ->-bleeped-<-ing fox. This makes me no less female. I am a beautiful woman.
Does this mean Im running around saying IM TRANS IM TRANS? No need to, do women run around saying IM A WOMAN! or do me run around saying IM A MAN?
NO, people just be themselves, and for once, I feel liberated enough to be me.
Yes I still get anxious about my looks, and certain situations, however, Ive decided to let go and just be me and float on down the river. Thanks for letting me share
Quote from: jillian on August 19, 2011, 08:52:01 PM
You see, I put the gun in my mouth, the only doubt I had was whether or not a 20 gauge would blow my head off.
I worked a suicide by 20 ga a couple months ago, so its still fresh in my mind...
Diagnosed with a terminal illness, he decided that sucide would be the better way to go. He too put the gun in his mouth. However, he pulled the trigger. What he didn't count on is that the gun would shift as he pulled the trigger and the round would exit through the left side of his face. When I got to him, most of the left side of his face was gone, including his left ear that was somewhere in the room he'd been dragged out of so we could work on him. We all knew it was a fatal injury, but he was still alive and his family was just in the other room - so we needed to do everything just the way we were trained. He should have died rather quickly, but he survivied long enough for us to carry him out of the house, past his loved ones, into the ambulance and transfer him to a helicopter for the flight to a trauma center where he finally died. He probably lived for an hour, he probably suffered. I know it was frutrating for us to do an emergency trachostomy only to see the air bubbling out of the left side of what was left of his neck. It took us close to half a dozen attempts to get a tube in what was left of his trachea in order to breath for him - meanwhile we had to keep suctioning out the blood that was pooling in his mouth. He was drowning in his own blood.
Graphic? Yes. But suicide is far from painless, or a solution.
ive been down that road before honestly, and even until now there are days where i just struggle to move forward. Ive suffered from depression most of my life and the best way i can describe it is like a really deep dark pit that you just cannot crawl out of. From my own experience it has a lot to do with self esteem i believe. If you truly love yourself and think good things you wont feel that way unfortunately for me ive always had terrible self esteem and even now its on the floor. I think that's a really important area to work on with transition and even i help my aunt out with that even when im down in the dumps
Guess why some GGs even get jealous of us? Because they (most) also not sooo OK in their body.
Feeling not OK in your bod can have many reasons, not just being trans.
One thing a lot of cismales seem to have an easier time with.
Be a girl --- suffer like one, honey bunch. AND WE SHALL MAKE NO EXECPTIONS!
Get a life and do your thing. Feeling low at times is par for the course of LIVING.
Hug,
Axelle
PS: Just remember you're a sexy bitch --- then go take it from there :-)
You are still really early into HRT! There are a TON of emotions from both the effects of the hormones, and simply from the HUGE amount of uncertainty and stress (I have the same periods of getting REALLY down). During the down periods, it can seem like giving up is what you should do... but you have to ignore it and just get to the next day (because you will feel different).
You have to approach it willing to "wait and see" for a couple years. You have to give the hormones time to work... and get over all the stress you are mentally and physically going through.
So, don't give up so early out of the gate! Things will get better :)
we are but shells and imagine dying and then being on the other side knowing your still here but without the body and now nop one can listen to you and all you have is you and you wonder why you left this earth before your time. thats too scary for me. I have realized to just deal with life and go when i am called. I hope you do the same.
I think my post may of been misunderstood, or I am misunderstanding the responses :)
I did not mean I want to die, in fact quite the opposite.
I was simply using where my mind has been and the pain my tattered soul has been put through undeservingly.
When I say F-it, I mean I am done allowing others judgements to push me down.
I am done hiding me, as if it will allow me some freedom
I am moving forward with my life with an excitement to see where this chapter goes.
Anyone who is currently where I was, things around you might not get better, but you will, so long as you want to.
Right on honey, it's what I got.
But also you want your cake AND eat it.
Be a girl, suffer girl stuff - minus period cramps, at least something, eh.
That was my response about.
Axelle
Quote from: jillian on August 20, 2011, 07:13:01 AM
I think my post may of been misunderstood, or I am misunderstanding the responses :)
I did not mean I want to die, in fact quite the opposite.
I was simply using where my mind has been and the pain my tattered soul has been put through undeservingly.
When I say F-it, I mean I am done allowing others judgements to push me down.
I am done hiding me, as if it will allow me some freedom
I am moving forward with my life with an excitement to see where this chapter goes.
Anyone who is currently where I was, things around you might not get better, but you will, so long as you want to.
That, My Dear, is what I call getting an "Attitude". And once I developed the "Attitude", I suddenly was passing (HATE that word) better and I began to really enjoy my life.
Alrighty,
+ 1
Reaching the point of "F#!$ IT! I'm me!" is the crucial step I have identified in everyone I've met so far. I haven't fully reached it myself yet. I have my moments where I've stood my ground and shrugged off getting my identity questioned, but it's not a permanent state of mind quite yet. ;)