Alright. I'm pretty clueless. I do not know if this topic has been covered before, but it has been bothering me a LOT over the past year.
My question is - is there a difference between feeling uncomfortable in your skin at, say, 5 years, versus feeling different at 12 years? I do not know exactly how to explain this... but, for example, at 12, wouldn't it be more likely that you're just experiencing a phase simply because you are going through puberty, and are too full of raging hormones to really understand what you want? Or you just do not feel ready to become an adult and hate your body in protest, or you want to seem different, etc, etc, etc?
I do not mean to offend anyone by saying this, I am only wondering how important it is to already be aware when you're young, long before you have any knowledge of such topics. My mother tells me that people with GID already know when they are very young, unlike me, and that I might be making this all up.
Ever since it began, I kept on checking whether this discomfort changes or goes away, but it stays and hell, I am sick of it. It feels very different from my usual phases, which lasted for about a week, maximum one month, since it has been nagging at me every day for almost two years.
So, does saying that you began feeling 'off' at such an age immediately put a big, red cross in your dysphoria box? Or can these feelings appear at any time?
Again, no offense intended. Thanks in advance.
This is one of the main reasons why I champion requirements that should be adhered to if one wishes to commit to a almost permanent gender surgery change. Because, what if it is just a phase? It is a very legitimate question and a gender trained therapist would be foolish to not ask this question to their client during some part of their sessions.
In terms of, is it black or white or is there a check box to determine the validity of one's transsexual identity, there really isn't one nor should there be.
For example, I never suffered to a great extent from Gender Dysphoria. Matter of fact, I valued my time presenting as a male as a learning experience and a blessing. I have a blog in my link (May entry) that I wrote down what I told my Psychiatrist when she asked me "when you look back, do you regret the time you presented male?" Ina short form, the answer was no. In the long form ...well...its rather long but it's in the blog here --> http://myjourneymytransition.blogspot.com/2011/05/story-i-shared-with-my-therapist-last.html (http://myjourneymytransition.blogspot.com/2011/05/story-i-shared-with-my-therapist-last.html)
So it is different for each person and the only way to iron this out of whether or not it is a phase is to seek a counselor and work it out with that person as each person is uniquely different.
I think as has been mentioned it's problematic to impose a one size fits all approach here. For me i always knew, in fact the shock came in primary school when other girls started calling me a boy.....though interestingly the boys would laugh and say i was a girl. However some people for whatever reason do not start to feel uncomfortab;e with presenting as the gender assigned at birth until even middle age. I can't quite understand it but it happens.
If you are unsure then maybe just allow yourself time to see how things go. It's not a race. I would say to your mother that trans people are a diverse group and imposing one experience as a universal rule is not helpfull.
Feeling different and feeling uncomfortable are two different things.
Feeling both at the same time is probably what you are going through right now and having someone you can to talk and not judge you would at the very least help you through the process of analyzing the problem.
I always feel different from my peers but I did not start feeling uncomfortable with my gender issues until I was in college. The lack of awareness and understanding as well as acute triggers probably contributed to that in some ways. I have gone through a lot of different phases (some short and some very long) but the one thing that did not go away was the feeling deep down that I saw myself differently than what others saw and expect of me.
Try talk to someone (like a counselor) you trust who has knowledge about childhood issues to see if they can give you some advice on how to deal with your feelings.
Try change something in your life to make yourself more comfortable, like clothes, hobbies, peers you hang out more often with. Explore options and see what works and what does not work for you.
Try to learn more about what you think of what you might think you are through some reading related to your issue. Ask people whom you think you might resemble to about their own experiences and thoughts on such issues. Learn more about what triggers your feeling.
Everyone is different in some ways.
To feel comfortable is what most people would prefer.
Try experimenting, try make yourself comfortable to live in your own skin.
And do not be afraid of asking for help or advice in doing some stuff to make yourself comfortable.
In my case, I always felt like there was something wrong with me, but couldn't put a name to it. When I was growing up, the whole concept of tg/ts was never really in my social awareness, except in the most vague sense. When I got older, I became aware of the possibility of crossing the gender barrier, but by then I was caught up in living in a men's dorm in college and later had a long string of male roommates. It wasn't until I had been married for a while to a woman who was (and still is) wonderfully LGBT supportive that I was able to explore a lot of things in my own psyche.
I honestly don't think I would have awakened to what and who I am if I hadn't found myself in an environment where I didn't have to focus on acting male every moment of every day. Once I was in a safe place where I had time to lower my guard and just BE....that's when I really figured things out.
I don't believe it is a phase, either. I've owned my inner identity as a woman for about 7 years now and I find the urge to transition has only grown stronger with time. The more I am able to express my inner self, the more I want and need to express it. These days, presenting as male feels like a lie. It depresses me. I look forward to the day when I never have to do it again and can just be myself all day every day.
That said, I do think "being transgender" can be a phase for some folk. For that reason alone, I think having a qualified gender therapist is a very good idea...almost mandatory even, if only so the therapist can help you work out whether or not it really is a phase.
I don't know of anybody for whom gender dysphoria was a phase, although if somebody did have that happen they probably would keep it to themselves, so who knows. All you can do is take one step at a time and stop taking them if it ever stops bringing peace to you. You can draw a transition out as long as you want and stop anytime. And if you aren't sure whether you even want to go down the transition path, just be patient. Keep your mind open to all possibilities.
I don't have any experience personally with not knowing at a young age, but I've heard of that happening quite a few times.
I think that one of the main aspects of puberty is that everybody feels uncomfortable when going through it, even cisgender people. That said, there is a difference between a cisgender person's puberty related discomfort and that of a transgender person.
I always knew that there was something off and that I felt different from other people, like how I never really fit in with the girls, but I was allowed to do things that boys did (Heck, I would even go around shirtless sometimes)so that just labeled me as a tomboy. I was never really uncomfortable with my body when I was little. I grew up without knowing that bisexuals existed and never hearing the word transsexual or transgender. It was only when puberty started that I realized how I was different, because I fit in even less with girls, but, since we were all hitting puberty, I wasn't really allowed to do anything with boys, so I was left feeling clueless and miserable. It was a few years into puberty that I finally learned the word transsexual when reading an article about it in a science magazine. That was my moment of epiphany. Since then, I've just explored myself and my identity within the realm of ->-bleeped-<-. I've always kind of wondered how my journey would have be different if I had known those terms. On one hand, without knowing, I was able to explore my identity pretty thoroughly without comparing myself to some perceived standard of what I'd have to be to count as transgender. On the other hand, if I had known, then I could have told my parents sooner, and starting ending my own suffering sooner.
I think the possibility of it being a phase for some people is one of the main reasons why you have to do/have RLE for a year or two before really doing much in the way of medical things. I also think that it's very important to allow children to express themselves and dress the way they want to (within limits of course, no five year old stripteases please). That way, they can explore their identity and it will be easier for them to figure out if it is a problem with gender identity, or just a matter of his/her preferred presentation.
Quote from: Jay.Abbas on August 20, 2011, 12:57:54 PMHow do you know that it isn't just a phase?
The duration that it lasts.
A phase will eventually wear itself out. If you doubt you are transgender, just wait. If you still doubt you are transgender, wait some more. If you are still waiting and there is still dysphoria, it is not a phase.
It's different for everyone. Time is a good sign. I pretty much "knew" since I could remember... 2-3 years old. And now about 25 years later, yep I've confirmed it. Something just wasn't right... but I sure didn't know when I was a kid what "it" was... but it was something. That's not to say it might take some longer or via a different path to reach a similar conclusion. Self-awareness is an unusual concept.
:-\
The way I've come to the conclusion that it isn't a phase for me is that it's been on my mind every day for 6 years now (since I was around 14~). And even than if I look back to when I was younger I tended to do things that were a bit off for a male (though not like flamboyant or anything, just little things like making paper dolls that would represent me female) and even would make up stories to myself where I was female. But becoming a girl and then researching it and finding out about transgender issues only appeared when I was 14.
So pretty much the shear length I've been actively thinking about it tells me it's not a phase, and if I look at the time I've not been actively thinking about it, it still backs up it not being a phase by pretty much adding more time but me not being aware of it actually being a fixable problem. But as a prepubescent child I didn't really get dysphoric over it because I wasn't really "forced" into gender rolls, I mean yeah I was told to get my hair cut and stuff which I didn't like but I didn't think much of it. So it didn't really become an issue until puberty when gender differences where pretty much punching you in the face and forced everywhere.
I knew at a very young age that I was different. I was a boy and tried my best at being one, but I always had at least one girlfriend to hang with until High School. Puberty was like hell. I prayed that God turned me into a girl sometimes. I was always getting picked on by the guy's until I started this I'm more of a man than anyone phase through the end of high school and then lived on that edge for years. I had gay friends some times, and they all want to play, but they said I wasn't gay, but something else. I was introduced to some very friendly Transgender people and when I talked about wanting to be a girl sometimes stressed me out. We all figured that I wasn't a transexual. But there was a lot of girl in me. I didn't learn about Androgyn's until I was in my early fifities. Now in my late fifties, I'm taking a T blocker and exploring the world as an Androgyn. Just being on spiro has changed how I feel who I am. My genders have merged more into another one. Androgyn.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it! :)
Ativan
I've always been weird and different, but didn't really connect it to gender until recently. I still wonder sometimes if it's a phase, if I'm not really trans after all, or if I'm a different breed of trans than I think I am. but I've been feeling gender dysphoric for at least 2 years now and it's still going strong, so either it's one hell of a phase, or I'm actually trans. Probably the latter.
Just a phase? Unfortunately, that is up to you to decide. Professional advice will only help you see yourself. There may come a time when you know for sure. Perhaps not.
But that is how it is. Crappy, ain't it?
Cindi
Depends on how you define a phase. I'm sure that some people would define my path as a phase, even though I self-identified as transsexual back in the late eighties and have been boy-identified ever since I can remember (I'll be fifty next year. Boy, it's weird to say that).
Bottom line, it's up to you to decide. I guess others have already said that, but I think it's true. At some point, you'll decide for sure. Until then, explore your options, ask questions, do research, talk, think, listen.
I knew because 30 of my 33 years clearly indicated that it wasn't a phase. I knew because I was so miserable that I attempted suicide over 20 times. I knew because the simple act of saying to myself "I'm transsexual and I'm going to transition" gave me the strength to start eating again when I was probably one missed meal from heart failure.
Now I know because the simple act of living my life as my true self brings me unimaginable bliss. I know because I've never once looked at myself with regret for transitioning.
I should also point out that some of us know we're boys/girls from an early age, some of us don't "know" per se but definitely identify that way, and some only know that we're different. You don't have to know you're trans in childhood or adolescence.
At some point, you'll decide for sure. Until then, explore your options, ask questions, do research, talk, think, listen.
But, if you can, try to do it in your spare time. Because every moment you spend exploring, asking, researching, talking, thinking and listening are moments that other people are spending doing things to better their lives, to get on with their lives, to live and enjoy their lives. Far too many TS persons1 end up spending the quality part of their quality years on this stuff, while their peers are finishing school, working on job skills, making money, setting up a life they want (instead of dreaming about what choices they might have and sifting through mythical options) only to wake up on day and find themselves pretty much alone.
So, for example, you don't want to be the person who is 30 and just starting their third 'entry-level' position and finding all their old friends drifting away because their lives are so far beyond that now. You really don't want to be the 47 year old looking for an entry-level position, you'll find there are none.
There is a very fine line between carefully considering and choosing your options and obsessing your options away. Tragically most people only find out too late they are doing the second. My experience that that people who waited for all their ducks to be in a line, for everyone else to get straight on it, who wait to be sure, spend most of their life waiting. My hippie friends and me used to sing: Sure don't know what I'm going for, but I'm gonna go for it for sure, got a much better life out of that deal, even if they were not sure where the bus was going when they got on it. It's the getting on it and riding - the joy is in the journey - that's the real reward, not the pot of gold at the end.
Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
1. I took the TS out because this affects lots of people, sadly, several I once knew.
Quote from: Arch on August 22, 2011, 12:57:33 PM
Depends on how you define a phase.
That is a good observation. According to your argument, I am probably just going through a phase where I want to be female. It is a phase which I expect to last for another seventy years or so.
Quote from: tekla on August 22, 2011, 02:23:14 PM
But, if you can, try to do it in your spare time.
For a lot of TS people, it is easier to do this now than it was two, three, four decades ago. If you open yourself to the possibility that you're TS and don't stuff it back in the box right away, you don't waste so many years denying who you are.
With that said, I think that obsession, for a certain length of time, can actually be a natural part of the process for a lot of us. It might not be particularly healthy, but it's probably better to come out to yourself and obsess about it for a few months or a year than to continue to hide and deny and repress. But you're probably talking about an obsession that continues for a lot longer than that, yes?
Yeah, I'm thinking of the ones that go on for years, if not decades. And I'm not sure about the first point. 40 years ago there were so few options, that there was not a lot to obsess about.
Quote from: tekla on August 22, 2011, 06:09:22 PM
And I'm not sure about the first point. 40 years ago there were so few options, that there was not a lot to obsess about.
I think you're right. I didn't start obsessing until I saw genuine possibilities. The first couple of times, obsessing didn't interfere with job or school or relationship, and I shut it down pretty quickly. The last time went on for a bit, but that's the time that I transitioned, of course.
Quote from: VeryGnawty on August 22, 2011, 08:53:59 AM
The duration that it lasts.
A phase will eventually wear itself out. If you doubt you are transgender, just wait. If you still doubt you are transgender, wait some more. If you are still waiting and there is still dysphoria, it is not a phase.
Thats why I'm waiting things out, partially to figure out just where in the spectrum of things I am, and to see if its just a phase my mind is playing with.
Quote from: Arch on August 22, 2011, 06:17:29 PM
I think you're right. I didn't start obsessing until I saw genuine possibilities. The first couple of times, obsessing didn't interfere with job or school or relationship, and I shut it down pretty quickly. The last time went on for a bit, but that's the time that I transitioned, of course.
That was pretty much my experience too, but it was based more off experience than information. Sure, I looked at before and after pictures of surgery. Sure, I watched Youtube videos of people who were in (or finished) successful transitions. But my obsessiveness about things didn't start until I actually began my transition and started having success. And obsessions became progressively quicker to acquire.
At first, I wasn't in a rush to start hormones. Then I started them and became obsessed about seeing development. From thinking about HRT to starting was two years.
I wasn't in a rush to come out after I started HRT, but then I started to see changes. Due to the changes, I became obsessed with coming out to everyone. Time from start of HRT to coming out was five months (but only a month after seeing the first changes taking place).
After coming out, I wasn't in a rush to go full time. Then my friend gave me some clothes and I started full time the very next day. Time from coming out to the very first person to going full time was 15 days.
After going full time, I wasn't insistent on people using the right name or pronouns. But I was immediately passing 100% of the time and decided it was time for everyone who knew me personally to recognize that. Time from going full time to correcting people was 2 days.
Time from first saying "Please call me Zoë from now on" to obsessing about having SRS and finishing physical transition? Seconds.
Because I can't go back to my female life ever again.
Thanks, guys.
My biggest fear by far is pretty much being considered 'not trans' by, say, the therapist, even if these feelings will still be there. So I'll just end up staying like this and feeling like gagging every time I look into the mirror. A phase? Well, I am thinking. I had no reason to think I am a boy then. Of course, what was the difference between men and women, anyway? I didn't care. I was too busy fantasizing of cloning dinosaurs.
I did think I was going to turn into a boy around 7. But it was nothing major, and now I definitely do not remember what my reaction to saying that was, let alone the reason I even said it. I just made a serious face and told my mother and grandmother that this is what will happen. 5 years later I got a nice little bloody 'birthday present' and I couldn't stop crying over it, because it felt downright wrong. I didn't want it. It felt like some violation of my body or something. Cr*p growing out of my chest, the hips, everything was some sick joke. Still is. So, after that, I was furious and resorted to wearing more stereotypically male clothes to, perhaps, 'cancel out' what was going on. And then I found out about gender identity disorder.
It was kinda like a wake up slap in the face. I was literally staring at the computer screen in shock and wondered whether the author of the article had telepathic abilities. I found out that I could become a boy, and so plunged into the immense world of research, reading and watching almost everything there was to read and watch. It was great. I was both fascinated and genuinely felt that it related to me as well. Until my mother made one unexpected remark and the confetti dropped down. That was precisely the moment I began to obsess over whether it was a short phase and began to doubt myself, even though the discomfort became stronger.
I also suspect that this is just the beginning, to be honest. Sometimes I try to think, what is even the reason for me wanting to be a guy? What's the point? I'll just stay a girl and pretend to be a butch lesbian, as a form of 'insurance'. After all, what are the chances of me losing my job if I am just some girl dressing up like a tomboy versus a pill popping 'heck knows what'? Again, do not be offended. You know as well as I do, this is what the general population thinks of transgenders... I always get this happy jolt in my stomach when someone tells me 'you look like a guy' or 'gee, you're such a tomboy' or whatever the hell else. I really, really like that. It is as if every time someone makes such a remark I am a step closer to something. I persistently scare myself and think negatively but it is definitely not helping.
And as far as finding a gender therapist goes... my parents will not be happy, my grandparents will get heart failure once they find out, and I doubt it'll be easy to find one in Moscow. So I talk to myself instead.
I assume by "phase" you mean a temporary issue that will go away in time - somehow not quite real or serious. It is hard sometimes to know if what we feel is serious or real. Especially if we have experience in denying or repressing our feelings. It is hard to hold onto our own sense of ourselves when others deny or minimize our struggles. Even if it is temporary, a way of exploring how to be yourself in the world, it is important and significant.
I think that there are an infinite variety of paths an destinations in out transgender experiences. It is inherently confusing to step outside of society's stereotypes and be different. We do not have to, cannot, be all "different" in the same way!
I think that one of the ways in which we differ is that some people have a very strong and definite sense of gender very early. Others of us have almost no sense of gender for a very long time. And everything in between.
What I mean by "no sense of gender" is that I accepted with no particular intensity my "gender assigned at birth" for a long time. I think it was not a huge problem in part because my family was not into extreme stereotyped polarization of gender - my father was not macho and my mother was not very "femme" and I did almost everything my sisters did. Actually, as the oldest, I was a junior parent and cleaned and fed and bottled and diapered and brushed hair and so on all the time. I played house with my younger siblings when I did child-care. Not so much stress. I became a therapist and my work is nurturing and compassionate - I did not have the kinds of conflicts I would have as and engineer or a construction worker. I have worked for thirty years as an activist in the "pro-feminist" mens movement trying to show how "male stereotypes" are unhealthy for men and women. I always had girl friends; I never went through a girls are yucky phase. I think I married in part to be a part of the feminine world vicariously. I even sewed my first wife a dress.
After my second divorce I started really looking at myself and my life - and how I felt as well as thought about things. I went through "phases" and may still be in phases, trying to understand. You see, in my life, I learned early to hide myself way down deep, and chameleon-like I tried to be whatever my surroundings needed me to be. Many oldest kids are good at pleasing adults or authorities.
I also grew up poor and moved a lot. I had lots of obvious reasons for feeling always a little "off" like something didn't fit.
I have always felt I did not fit. (Was that a phase?)
I have been in therapy off and on for thirty years, in part because I felt I do not fit being male. I blamed the social stereotypes for being inhumane and defective. Which they are. For thirty years I have struggled to find a definition of being male that worked for me. Only recently have I realized no definition of male fits me. I went through an "androgyny" phase (and it is still somewhat true of me) and a " gender-queer" phase ( I still like that too), and now I am in a "I like being called mam" phase and I want hormones and my own breasts - it is all good. It is the path I am on.
Logic is not the most important thing for me on my path. I look for moments when something inside goes "click." when I dress male and look in the mirror and feel "who is that?" but when I dress female I see myself - I identify with the feminine image. When I dress in an outfit that "works" and gets compliments. When I dress male for work (drab) and I realize women can wear the same clothes, it feels better. I feel a oman is wearing these clothes. When I get called "mam," it feels "fit." When I image myself a woman and I feel whole, like I fit.
If you are exploring your own nature there is no such thing as "just a phase." Phases are important change periods of our lives, and should be taken seriously and respected. And if they keep going in the same direction over time they are more - they are our path.
Kendall
I thought maybe it was a phase at around 14, I had dressed for a over a year without anyone knowing it, but I saw my questions into the subject of transsexuality answered with "those people are mental" "weirdos that should be locked up" and the way the people I talked to about it spoke, made me think about why I was dressing, and that maybe it was just a phase. So I actually tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be for almost 2 years, never dressing up, working landscaping and pretty much destroying my body at that time. So thinking maybe it was a phase got me to overcompensate trying to be something I was not, and it was almost became to much. But how I knew it was not a phase was when I slowly went back, even if it was rough to start, it make me happier and I knew how I really want to be.
Honestly, phases are educated plans and guesses on how you want your future to play out. Hormones are no scientific reason why someone cannot know a self-identity, as sexuality and gender identity are parts of the human mind that guides every person's life until the day you die. They are such sources of all human emotion that if you are thinking about sexuality and gender identity, you are more in tune and open with yourself than most people your age are. I've never been through phases myself, so I'm not actually sure how they feel, though.
I have to be honest: It never occurred to me that being male-identified might have been a phase for me. It's just who I am and who I've always been.