:( i do
I don't remember much of my childhood. I usually just remember fragments from before I was a teen. But sometimes something will jog my memory into remembering something.
Yeah I do. I think I blocked out most of it because my mother was always on my case about everything and told me that wanting to be a boy was unnatural and bad. =\
But occasionally I do get a flash, a bit of a memory, and it brings me back to the good times when I didn't have to pay for everything =P
I feel like I've lost my whole teenage years.
Sure I've had some fun times, but most of the time I've always had these intense trans feelings that made me so depressed.
What really hit me is how stupid I felt when finally this year when I came out(17) my mom took it well and told me she had a feeling and would have accepted me sooner.
I also feel like I'm going to be one of those "mid-life crisis" cases where I try to re-live those times trying to makeup for what I didn't do because I was scared.
None of my friends get me, they all take their lives for granted. Maybe I'm just being bitter, but none of them really understand how bad my life sucks lol.
No. I do not remember having a sense of being male or female as a child. I was just me. I played the daddy/father/husband in house. I was a huge tomboy. I wore what I wanted. But I do not remember thinking of gender. It's as if it was non-existent. When I started puberty I felt as though my childhood was being ripped away but that's it.
Andy I completely agree. But with my life it was like every time I did those things I was instantly shut down and scowled at and it just simply sucked. Mom always told me that she would love me no matter what though, but something makes me know that love and acceptance aren't the same things at all.
OMG Jasper.
QuoteYeah I do. I think I blocked out most of it because my mother was always on my case about everything and told me that wanting to be a boy was unnatural and bad. =\
But occasionally I do get a flash, a bit of a memory, and it brings me back to the good times when I didn't have to pay for everything =P
Same here but it was unnatural to want to be a girl and it was my dad who would say it.
He had to teach me how to be a boy and I do remember always feeling dumb because of it.
I have had more and more bits and pieces of my childhood memories coming back to me recently.
in a way i do.
if i lived this way earlier on i couldve gotten more out of life. but sometimes thinking about it maybe... it was jsut fair. id idnt always lived here in america after all. i came from some country where we realllly are treated badly and seen as clowns, and nothing higher than that. i couldve been a cutie hahaha but... my age is long gone and im not gonna waste whats left of it. ill get what i can now while i still can, out of life i mean
Sometimes when I think back to my old favorite cousin's room, and remember all his goofy-looking action figures and cars and guns, I kinda feel like I've missed out. But then I remember I thought those things were so ugly (preferred dolls, really), that my dad gave me a giant tub of trucks that I played with with said cousin, and that I always preferred stick guns.
So I both feel like I missed out and I didn't. On one hand, I didn't get to wear super awesome suits/kiddie jumpers other little boys wore to church, but on the other hand, those dresses are one of my favorite things to look back on, being a somewhat feminine person. I didn't get all the action figures, but I did get to play barbies and dress up with my sister, and trucks and dolls were even fun with my male cousins.
I'm just pleased I can live out my teen years as male. My principal calls me "son" and makes sure my pants are tucked in XD
My teenage life was hell and I have the curse of having an impeccable memory, I remember every single day and detail of my life since the age of 3 like it was yesterday (I've always wanted to get tested to see if I'm one of those people who have that memory disorder where you can only remember things and can't forget them), and since almost every moment up until this very point has been filled with pain and trauma, I've really never experienced a childhood. I never had a boyfriend, never fell in love, I've had sex with only one person, I've never had a best friend, I've never had more than 3 friends at one time, it was just last year I attended my first party of any sort, most all my life I've been bullied and alone.
It's a bit why on top of being transsexual, that my acting career and staying youthful is a bit important to me; I'll willingly say that for every single thing I never did, my emotions compell me to want to preserve and experience life from here on out the best I can. Sadly, my body's still a cage, I'm no prettier or more womanly than Sellvester Stallone is! Really holds me back from every single thing I want to do, every single type of person I want to meet, every role I want to play, every career I want to try, ugh, the most ambitious and confident people are always cursed with such chains. I'm so ugly that every time I walk into the women's bathroom, the gals say "Ugh, this is the women'sroom!" and every time I walk into the men's room, the men say "Get out of here, this is the humans' room!" Haha.
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I feel cheated for not being able to date as a girl. I have supressed many memories, but if I decide, they are still there in the back of my mind. I've just sort of filed them away and don't dwell on them.
QuoteI feel cheated for not being able to date as a girl
I so understand Cindy. I missed the dresses and the flowers and ... :(
Oh well doesn't do any good to dwell on what one missed.
Yeah, in a way. I often wonder what it would have been like and how my life would have been different if I had been born correctly, but at the same time, if I had been born as a cisgender male, then my personal experiences would have been very different. I wouldn't have met many people I became friends with, and my whole outlook on life would probably be different as well.
So yes, I sometimes wish that I could have had a true childhood, but I know that if I had, it wouldn't have been *me* having it.
Yeah all the time. Sure I have a few memories here and there that are actually worth remembering, but a few memories doesn't add up to a whole childhood. I guess some of it was because of my parents though. We lived in the middle of nowhere, didn't get to really do anything or have friends, and that I'm sure would have been the same regardless.
Yes i definitely feel that way. But for me its hard to tell if it is because of me being trans or because of the tons of crap i had to deal with apart from that. I would not have had a happy undamaging childhood if i had been cis. For me the problem is not so much what i missed out on [perhaps thats simply an issue to deal with sometime later] but the things i had to learn to survive and now need to be unlearned because they are choking me slowly.
The only thing i am really jealous of is the lighthearteness i see in teens.
There are a few parts of my childhood that I wouldn't want to give up, but mostly I feel like I was cheated out of experiencing life as an adolescent girl and as a young woman. (Ah, to relive my highschool and college years on the other side of the gender divide...) I spent so much time on trying to be a guy while I was growing up, that I never really had a chance to be either a boy or a girl. Mostly, I just learned how to imitate what people expected me to be. In retrospect, I think I would have been most inclined to be a tomboy: a girl who, to quote Eddie Izzard, enjoys "running, jumping, climbing trees....putting on makeup while you're up there..." ;)
As an adult, it is most in my nature to be a T-shirt and jeans, outdoorsy, handywoman type who also understands the joy to be found in dressing up and primping for an elegant evening out with a beloved partner...although I find that my interest in the handywoman stuff seems to be fading with time; more and more I find myself willing to "just hire somebody to fix the darn thing." ;)
But, couldawouldashoulda...I can only work with the past I've been dealt and the present I'm living to create the future I desire.
Before my teen years? Not so much. Before my teens we had a pretty nice house, I got a ton of videogames, a regular allowance of $5 a week. There were problems, of course, but I don't think being a girl as a kid would have really changed that much or made me much happier.
It was when I actually went into my teen years that I feel I've missed out on some of the more fun events. Prom, for one. I remember getting really jealous of all of the girls getting their dresses and shoes ready for prom, showing them to everyone on the school computers...And then there was just dating in general. I fantasized about a boy asking me out. I couldn't and still can't help but feel extreme jealousy when I see a pretty girl wearing a really pretty dress or cute shoes, talking about her boyfriend, etc., etc. Of course, I'm still in my teens, I'm just out of highschool now which is where I primarily saw such girls. Now I get all of jealousy out through videogames, but at least I can usually be a girl in those :).
I feel cheated yes, but I have to say had I been born properly as a girl I would still feel cheated. When I was a young child my parents didn't have me in school and lived in a really rural area, then after a time we lived in an RV with no home of our own, then when that broke down, our family of 4 slept in a tiny hatchback, and then eventually in government provided housing, then the parents split, and it was stepparents and domestic violence, mixed with drugs and alcohol and adults who were very willing to abandon me.
I was really lucky, I got out when I was 14 and got my brother to get custody of me, and I had an almost enjoyable highschool, I started wearing eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, and foundation. I would freely mix some womens clothes in my outfits, and no one cared because they saw me as that goth kid (well people who didn't like goth people cared but, w/e I hung out with preppy girls more than fellow goth people). Even that time though, came crashing down though, as I lost the place I was staying in, had to stay at a friends house, so I had to drop out and start working.
Then at 18 I met the woman who I eventually married, and we moved in together. Basically I never really got to just be a kid, I wish I would have been born a proper girl, but even if I had, assuming I still had the same worthless family I would still be missing out on my childhood.
My childhood? No, I had a wonderful childhood. It's teenage years that I feel cheated on.
I enjoyed my childhood but hated my teenage years too. Now I feel like I have picked up from where things started to go downhill, and it's great. 15 is fantastic this time around.
Karen.
Sort of, I had quite a few very bad things happen to me on top of being trans, these sort of shunted me into a weird fantasy world where I would spend most of my time by myself alone wondering in the woods next door to my house, spending most of the days at school fast asleep (it was such a bad school no one cared). I only emerged from this world when I discovered the local goth pub where I could dress as I wanted and no one cared, and even then it took me years to fully grasp reality and understand this strange place I was for most of my childhood.
Yes, very much so.
I think it's one of the main reasons my favorite authors (Julie Anne Peters, Alex Sanchez, among other) write young adult novels. Their stories are about discoveries, discoveries that I failed to make during my adolescence.
So, here I am at nearly 42 years old reading what can often be described as queer teen romances. I get a vicarious experience out of them. The HRT is making me feel physically like I'm going through puberty again, and these young adult novels vicariously fill in experiences I'll never have.
Relating to being trans, I feel more in-touch with my childhood. In high school, when I started trying to fit into a traditional female role I felt little connection with my childhood self. My mom chose my clothes until I was 9 or 10 so I wore a lot of pink and purple but that never really got to me until I was 12 and started wearing darker colours and baggy clothes. I was just always one of those rough-and-tumble kids rolling around in the mud and climbing trees and taking on male roles in pretend games. Obviously when I was a kid I didn't associate play with being masculine or feminine but looking back I definitely see my childhood as more of a "boyhood" than a "girlhood".
Like some others have said, I feel like it's my teenage years I missed out on, rather than my childhood.
As a child my gender was rarely an issue. While there was some frustration at how I was "supposed" to hang out with girls all the time even though I got on better with the boys, it was still acceptable for me to have a lot of male friends and most of my favourite activities were fairly gender-neutral. If I had been born male I doubt much would have been different besides probably less female friends.
Then puberty hit, and my male friends dropped me like a hot potato. Everything was different and strange and I didn't fit in with the group of female friends I had, but I "had" to stay friends with them because I fit in even less with anyone else. I felt really alone. There was a group of boys I always wanted to befriend because I knew we had so much in common, but I was a "girl" and not a conventionally attractive one so of course they wouldn't talk to me.
After our final year of high school most of the "ewww boys and girls can only be friends if they're going out" stuff died off, and I finally became friends with those guys. Many of them remain my friends to this day. I really regret that we weren't "allowed" to be friends earlier. I regret a lot of stuff about having to go through high school as a girl.
Yes. My childhood got beaten away with the buckle end of a belt. Never mind if it cut me. Never mind if it gave me another concussion. I always deserved it somehow...
Quote from: nogoodnik on August 28, 2011, 11:14:56 PM
the "ewww boys and girls can only be friends if they're going out" stuff
Yeah my high school was like that too. I was often excluded from stuff by my female "friends", and half of the times they did invite me into things my mother wouldn't allow it for who knows wtf reason. I had a few male friends, but 2 left the school after the first year, and really they were guys so I didn't identify with them. The one male friend who stayed had his birthday the day before mine -- that's about all we had in common really, and perhaps neither one of us being much of the social type.
I wish I would have had the opportunity to actually hang out with friends, do things after school, heck maybe even date. But nope.
@nogoodnik: I agree with you. My high school years and sooner seemed much like what you described.
=\ If only, right?
Do I ever feel like I've lost my childhood?
I used to feel that way, but the more I've analyzed my past, the more I realize it's not true. My parents never criticized me for acting too feminine. I participated in many of the things that girls did. I learned to cook and clean, do laundry and ironing. I played with dolls and had a doll house. True, I never got to wear dresses, but from my perspective a half century away, that doesn't seem so big a deal. No, I never got to date as a girl when I was a teenager, but I never got to date as a boy either. It didn't matter if you were an overweight boy or an overweight girl. Neither were sought after as a dating partner.
So what did I miss out on? Not much. My sister got to be chancel dancer at church and I didn't. But when I went off to graduate school I joined a folk dance club. I couldn't take Home Ec in high school, but I took Touch Typing with the rest of the girls. It was not a perfect childhood and youth, but it wasn't all that bad.
Quote from: Zoë Natasha on August 28, 2011, 11:23:05 PM
Yes. My childhood got beaten away with the buckle end of a belt. Never mind if it cut me. Never mind if it gave me another concussion. I always deserved it somehow...
sounds familiar for me.... My mother however learnd quite fast that emotional torture works much better on me. Plus she had to be careful with leaving too much marks or going too far because she worked in the local hospital.
Yes I feel I did lose out in my childhood as I didn't start my transition till I was 16, I never got to just be a little girl playing with my very own Barbie doll and just being a girl.
But over the years I surpose Iv made up for it, even more so since I got married, now a housewife and leading a completely woman's life, I now do all the cooking, cleaning, dusting, laundry and ironing etc a woman's work is never done lol, life is very fullfilling for me as a woman, I enjoy my life as a woman, but I lost out on my childhood, never got to be a girl, just a miserable boy who was bullied all the time, hate thinking about it.
p
All I can do is wonder if I would have been friendless and bullied as long and as harshly as I was if I had been born a girl and accepted among the girls I tried hanging out with, instead of the boys I was forced to.
My childhood was actually pretty awesome right up until I hit puberty. From then on things went downhill pretty fast. That wouldn't have necessarily been stopped without the dysphoria, but it would've been one less major problem to deal with.
Yes I do.
I was that wafer thin (Twiggy) boy that was always picked on, picked last, etc. I never got to date the girls back then nor did I date the women afterward. A lot of "OH S#*T!" realizations from this have cropped up in this 9 1/2 months on HRT. My refusal to attend the 40th class reunion this year was from that.
Joelene
Was glad to see the end of it.
I hate the thought that this might be seen as some sort of sagely wisdom, but I try not to look back with regret. What happened is done and the best we can do with it is learn. If I can avoid doing to others, that which I most disliked being done to us then that kinda vindicates many things.
I've also learnt that there is no comparison in personal suffering. No-doubt, others have been through a lot worse, but when you're really scared, knowing that someone else has been, doen't help.
I will say though, that the world is a much better place now than it was, it seems to be getting better all the time. Not right to be complacent of course, but knowing that so many can now achieve what I dreamed of makes things a lot better.
Hope this contributes to your query.
Nah. My young childhood was fantastic and awesome, I loved it. I would die to go back to the pre-middle school days actually.. Or maybe not, but you get what I mean.
Looking back I was a rather ignorant child, blissfully unaware of life and its problems. I had no issues, I just lived life with a smile each day; my biggest problems were math related.
The teenage years are horrible though. My parents became more wary about me acting masculine, about me being anti-social, and they're quite protective parents too so that didn't help.
I never had a childhood, my parents did want to have a child but they didn't want me.
A boy playing with dolls of my sister, they try to change that behaviour on the hard way.
So, for me it was some kind of survival to get trough the day.
At school I was an easy prey for the bullies, coz I did had another behaviour than the other guys.
I knew there was something different about me but what? I couldn't tell, in that time there was not the information available like it is now.
So, I became an adult and started (too late ) a search to who I was.
Glad, I've found myself.
I would never do my childhood again in that way, it was a daily torture.
My childhood was probably ok until about third grade, then my step-a**hole... Oh, I mean stepfather.. came into the picture. Constantly getting whipped and told to "man up". And then dealing with the gender thing, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Nothing but confusion and unhappiness, and then alcohol and drugs. No, not my parents, *I* was the one into the alcohol and drugs. It killed the pain for a while, anyway. Some of it was kind of fun I guess. I mean, NO! Don't do drugs, kids! Stay in school! Lol..
But to answer the original question, I'd like to go back and have another go at the teen years. Other than that, I'm good with being where I'm at. Better late than never. :)
my childhood was ok, but having alot of things undiagnosed just made life very difficult. in the end, i don't really think it was bad, but there was alot of pieces in the puzzle missing. sometimes i actually miss my childhood enthusiasm, and it didn't matter that i was male at the time. i feel like i've just changed for the better. looking back at what you've passed through just won't help.
Absolutely I lost it, and my teen years as well.
School was just a prison. The only truly happy moments were the times I had to myself to dream.
I really don't remember much of my childhood. I do remember some of my teenage years. However it is like I have blanked out all those years. Have I blanked out those years because I just could not stand being male? I don't know.
I do remember being the target of any bully in high school. I was always a loner. Always kept things close to the vest. Still do, I guess. I don't care for people getting to close. I think it is because I did not want people to know this dark secret. I am working it out. A very close friend told me that I was intersexed mentally. And that has helped a lot. And I am no longer afraid of people finding out my dark secret. Because it isn't dark any more. It is just who I am.
Love me, like me or hate me. I don't care. But just get out of the way if you can support me.
Kia Ora Folks,
::) For those who feel they have lost their childhood....Good news, when you reach 70 plus there's a good chance you will regain it-but this time in your correct gender ;) :D ;D
Metta Zenda :)
i think many things "lost" can be regained anytime. why not right now? as long as you're still alive, you can change your life. each new day is another opportunity.
Quote from: Ribbons on September 06, 2011, 11:43:28 PM
Nah. My young childhood was fantastic and awesome, I loved it. I would die to go back to the pre-middle school days actually.. Or maybe not, but you get what I mean.
Looking back I was a rather ignorant child, blissfully unaware of life and its problems. I had no issues, I just lived life with a smile each day; my biggest problems were math related.
The teenage years are horrible though. My parents became more wary about me acting masculine, about me being anti-social, and they're quite protective parents too so that didn't help.
I feel your pain. My teen years have been the same.
Yes. I was blessed with early puberty, which led to being medicated for what I believe was my emotional reaction to it. Kinda went downhill from there. Wild realization is that even if hormone blockers had been available then, they're not usually given to kids that young.
However, I am enjoying the heck out of my second childteenhood.
Since I'm in charge this time, I get to be as obnoxious, unruly, dirty, shirtless and masculine as I want to be.