Last night I had a brief opportunity to talk to my mom about her current feelings related to my transition. It was rare because she absolutely hates talking about feelings, can't handle it when anyone displays feelings near her, and certainly doesn't display her feelings to others.
What she said stunned me. Like SERIOUSLY stunned me.
She said that while she loves and supports me, she feels guilty. I had previously talked to her about gestational theories of transsexualism when I related that I've had these feelings my entire life. I assured her that it was nothing she did or didn't do, and so she shouldn't feel any burden of responsibility for my condition. I told her that I loved her and that she's always been my savior because she gave me a safe haven from the abuse I suffered at dad's house. I told her that her love and support meant the entire world to me.
But she admitted to me last night the root of her guilt: she was on birth control when I was conceived and was on it for the first three months of her pregnancy because she couldn't admit to the fact that she was pregnant. She feels guilty for possibly disrupting the hormones of my fetal self with birth control pills. She really feels that this is her fault.
Honestly, I don't know what to say to this. Got any suggestions?
For the record, she changed the subject pretty quickly by remembering that she needed to see what was on TV and what she needed to record on the DVR. That's typical for her. Surface conversations, can't handle deep subjects. :(
There is no evidence that that is a cause. If it were then it would be more common among transgendered people and it would have led to many more, after the invention of the birth control pill. Neither is the case.
The evidence for the various reasons for the phenomina of transgender are many. None are proven. None are valid in every case.
There are many things which parents do, before their pregnancies, during and when raising their children. If any of these could explain even one case of transgender, it would be little more than accademic. Transgender is a fact and the objective is, what to do about it, not worry about what may or may not have caused it. Even if the causes were located, it remains a fact.
Please don't get upset about making me what I am. I like being me and look forward to my life. What I do really thank you for and will always be grateful to you, is providing me with a world where I can be whoever I am without fear of legal sanction or penality. Many people live in parts of the world, even now, where they are horribly persecuted for who and what they are. You gave me freedom.
This was intended as a list of four possible approaches. Re-reading it now I can see it may not be vary clear.
Best of luck.
I hope she can change her outlook to one of appreciating the daughter she has.
My mom harbors the same feelings about me, she continued using recreational drugs while she was pregnant. I can't figure this one out either.
For what it's worth, DMPA doesn't bio magnify very well, and is safe to use for breast feeding mothers... Gestation though, I think it's only growth factors such as height that are affected, not sure.
Here's an article I haven't read yet:
http://www.contraceptionjournal.org/article/0010-7824%2892%2990053-V/abstract (http://www.contraceptionjournal.org/article/0010-7824%2892%2990053-V/abstract)
If you had an abusive father, he was likely to have stressed her during pregnancy too, which would be a more likely cause. We don't really know the causes for sure at the moment, just have some supporting evidence as far as I can tell.
I know my father, who was in the Army, was away helping fight floods in NSW, and could still have been sent to Korea the year I was born, so that could have been enough stress on my Mum.
Just tell her that you love her and it is just something that happens because it can.
Karen.
I'm not sure about what stress my mom might have had. Dad definitely wasn't abusive, but mom was pregnant with me during her senior year of high school (mom turned 18 only two months before I was born). My grandparents on mom's side were pretty ticked off, obviously, and they didn't care much for my dad. But I know my parents had a shotgun wedding because of my grandpa. Maybe all of that is why she couldn't face being pregnant and stayed on the pills three months after I was conceived. After all, she was 17, dad was 25.
But that's pure conjecture. Well, the circumstances are true, but I have no way of knowing what my mom thought back then. She doesn't open up about anything and she can't handle emotional conversation.
What I want to tell her, what I wish she could understand, is that I don't care what might have happened 34 years ago. It's not like we know the cause. There's no point in trying to find it, and I certainly don't blame her for anything. I like who I am, I like how I've turned out, and I'm glad my brain development defied my chromosomes because the thought of being male just makes me shudder. I'm so grateful that I'm a woman and I wouldn't change that for anything. And beyond that, I'm incredibly grateful for my mom's love and support and for being one of my biggest champions. She has no reason to feel guilty because I feel nothing but joy about who I am.
That's what I wish she would know...
Quote from: Zoë Natasha on August 31, 2011, 07:37:24 PMWhat I want to tell her, what I wish she could understand, is that I don't care what might have happened 34 years ago. It's not like we know the cause. There's no point in trying to find it, and I certainly don't blame her for anything. I like who I am, I like how I've turned out, and I'm glad my brain development defied my chromosomes because the thought of being male just makes me shudder. I'm so grateful that I'm a woman and I wouldn't change that for anything. And beyond that, I'm incredibly grateful for my mom's love and support and for being one of my biggest champions. She has no reason to feel guilty because I feel nothing but joy about who I am.
That's what I wish she would know...
So tell her *that*. Maybe word it a little differently, but if that's what you feel then you should tell her that. =]
I was talking to my Mum recently and she was saying how she had hyperthyroidism when she was pregnant with me and was on drugs to control it. It basically causes the thyroid to create far too much of a particular hormone, so the drugs were there to counteract it, and now she thinks that maybe that monkeyed with my hormones in the womb... It's an interesting theory, but i doubt it holds much water, so to speak. I think it is a natural reaction for parents to question 'where they went wrong' as they come to terms with things. Fortunately both my parents are being very cool about my transition, so far at least!
Amy.x
Eleven years ago I was seeing a new Doctor (GP) and filing out all the history, etc, and there was one question that stood out..."Did your Mother receive any Hormone Medications during pregnancy with you"...
I asked the Doctor about that question and he replied..."Oh that was from the Woman Doctor before me"...
A couple of nights before, I happened upon a website by a retired Army Chaplin that was TG, and she mentioned that her Mother had received a Hormone Medication for nausea when she was carrying her. This medication was supposedly known for interupting the "de-sexxing" process, leading to Transsexualism.
For the last 11 years, I have asked my Mom from time to time if she received and medications while carrying me, and I know from her and other family members that she had episodes of severe Back Pain when she carried me. Finally a couple of months ago I asked that question again and here's what she told me..."at about 17-19 weeks I had a sudden sharp pain here in my abdomen, and they had to take me to the hospital...listed me as a Possible Threatened Abortion"... not given any medications...went home the next day..."
That's within the "de-sexing" process time frame. For me it gives some closure, a cause or event, possibly the Birth Control Medications interfered in your case. My Mom still doesn't know about me yet.
Tell her, or I think in your case it probably doesn't need words!
My mom feels the same sort of guilt. I've tried to explain that things aren't her fault, but I don't think that guilt is coming from a rational place so it's hard to reason with it in the first place.
I will never know. I was adopted right when I was born. I think my Mom wanted a daughter, because she was always teaching me things (cooking, laundry, etc.) that girls learn from their mothers. But she always said, "But boys need to know this too." As to my birth mother she may have taken things because of the times - the early 50s - but I will not ever know.
Even though my mom was a real saint, she didn't tell us certain aspects of her life. We didn't know the existance of my older long lost sister until after mom died and my older sister found us through my grandmother, she was in possesion of a letter my mom wrote to the adopters, wanting her back. My aunts and uncles were mum on that subject and still are on some aspects of it. When I came out to her in the late 70's, she thought it was a phase. She did not say much when the DES she might have been taken while pregnant with me was beginning to show a history with difficulties with the children later on in life. The loss of that first daughter she was trying to get back and her history of anemia are a good candidate for that kind of treatment. The guilt she may have had by my not ever having a girlfriend, that I wanted to, caused her to ignore her yearly checks on her cancer they treated. She died 5 years later after the treatment. I love you Mom.
Joelene
I got told by my dad that when my mum was carrying me she was put on some sort of drug for morning sickness, which they then found out caused all sorts of problems, and they even debated having me aborted. Sadly my mum died when I was young so I've not been able to find out what the drug was (my dad cant remember). I've no idea if it caused my GID, it did probley cause my other birth defects, no hip on one side, and very wrong rib cage. One of the first people I saw said they had seen another transsexual with the same birth defects so maybe.
I'm not sure how my dad feels about it, its a very tricky thing to talk about with him and the conversation quickly changes subject. But if I were him I would not feel guilty, I'd rather be here with my problems than not have existed.
Certainly lots to think about here. I've never really asked my mom whether she was taking anything at the time. I am just working out how to find out what she would have named me if I was born a girl so I'm sure I can work this in at some point. I also wonder whether there is a link to people living near some agricultural communities or other environmental contaminants... I know there are interesting things happening to frogs in some places and they are an early warning sign of problems but I wouldn't know whether it corresponds to higher rates of transsexual populations. I doubt that anyone has even done that research.... I wish I still had access to academic databases sometimes.
Quick one for Catherine-Remy, do you think it might have been thalidomide? I wonder if a little bit of research might narrow it down to a handful of medicines and that might trigger your dad's memory. Mind you, he might rather not remember...
Girls, the list goes on.
End of 3rd into 4th month my father left my mother with one BIG BANG, - on Xmas-day, he went back to the US, never to be heard of again.
On Xmas-eve all was still jolly happiness - the next day she received a hand delivered letter (I still have it), with: "I'm so sorry, didn't want to spoil a lovely day, etc. etc. and, please take care of the baby."
Just think for a moment what THAT will do to your system, never mind hormones, pregnant in 4th month!
There seems some sort of consensus that brain gender is 'set' between 3rd and 4th month in the womb. I do not think for one moment that this had nothing to do with my 'case'.
Such a thing I would NEVER wish on any woman to happen --- but life has it's own rules.
Lastly I read some statistics that found TS/TG occurrences rise significantly after high stress/survival periods such as after wars, food disasters and the like.
Seems I had a double whammy in this instance born in 46 post WWII.
But then, --- what is, IS!
Give us 100 more 'reasons' it will not change a thing.
That in itself is sometimes good to behold.
Axelle
Quote from: grrl1nside on September 01, 2011, 07:17:56 AM
I also wonder whether there is a link to people living near some agricultural communities or other environmental contaminants... I know there are interesting things happening to frogs in some places and they are an early warning sign of problems but I wouldn't know whether it corresponds to higher rates of transsexual populations. I doubt that anyone has even done that research....
Medications, Environmental/Pollution, Genetic, maybe all of the above, and we only have records of GID/Transsexualism in the last 80-90 years. As to Thalidomide, it was pulled from the market in 1961, so something else might may have caused the birth defects that Catherine-Remy has.
The other "theme" in this thread is the guilt Zoe's and Joelene9's mothers felt, that it was their fault what happened, when it wasn't. Its not just us that suffered/suffers.
I know it was not thalidomide as I asked him, but I know that what ever it was had them both scared as (from what I've been told by him) just after my mum took it the scare about the drug started (around mid 1974).
My mom is/was an alcoholic, and during one of the many times i was in my room playing nintendo, my mom stumbled into my room and laid on my bed. It was during her male bashing ramblings that she let it slip that she had smoked pot while she was pregnant with me. If i had to guess, she was probably drinking while pregnant with me too. I think i must have been 12 when she told me this, it screwed with my head a long, long time.
and, oddly enough, her male bashing conversations about my dad (who travelled alot on business) only served to reinforce my love for him, because I knew what she was saying wasnt true. All of us kids knew Dad loved us, despite moms drunking ramblings. Sometimes kids really are smarter than adults.
Just my two cents, I think everyone tries to find out why we are like we are. But in the end, we are who we are, no matter what happened back when :-).
My mom lost two siblings at birth who the catholic DR told my mom they died at birth but she thought they snuffed them out because the DR didn't know what to do back in 1953. Mom then got pregnant with me and she took a hormone to prevent miscarrying me. And well here i am happy to have those testes and that thang long gone almost 15 yrs now.
Well, I don't know if this is any consultation Zoe... But, my Mom said she was on birth control when I was conceived. I was that 1 in 1000, and I don't know how long her use of those chemicals extended beyond that. May it could have an effect or maybe not, I think this definitely needs to be studied more. But, i don't think your Mom should feel any guilt or anything like that. We are who we are!
There may be a reason biology has less "protection" against the the brain and sex developing differently: trans people can still reproduce as their physical sex (before transition). During most of history before medical transition was possible, they just played their gender role and had children, which meant natural selection couldn't "weed out" those genes.
Of course, natural selection would favor those whose body and brain matched, but evolution also favors variety. Perhaps a small percent of people having the brains of the opposite sex introduced some variety into society and maybe even helped males and females understand each other? Just a possibility...
Hmm. My mother took some kind of drug when she was pregnant with me in 1973. Apparently it was for morning sickness. She said it was pulled off the market... Can't remember what it was called. Probably Bendectin (Debendox, Diclectin). It's still used in Canada and Europe but was pulled off the market in the US in 1983.
I do know there was a drug called diethylstilbestrol (DES) which is a synthetic estrogen, was given from like 1940 to the early 1970s to pregnant women. Daughters of these women who too it were prone to cancer.
But transsexualism/transgenderness/whatever has been around forever, even before all these drugs... So who knows. I've heard stress can cause it, and my mom is a stress case... Runs in the family.
Now thalidomide... I have actually met a victim of thalidomide at a bar once. He didn't have any arms, just his hands came straight out of his shoulders. Very odd. Nice guy, though, and his lack of arms didn't seem to impede his drinking ability. Lol..
This kind of is the nature vs nurture debate. Thing is, Nature always finds a way. If it's meant to be, nature always wins. Nature is the ultimate balance act. Look how viruses and bacteria constant grow to new strains as a way of continuing growth. You can't stop nature, hence you wont stop transsexuallity.
I believe though Zoe, that most close loved-ones aren't really concerned with you (effects of so called drugs and medications) but with their perception of how they will be perceived because of your actions.
Like- "What will the neighbours think of me because I have a freak of a child that wants to change gender?!"
Your mother maybe be looking for reasons, to absolve herself of 'bad' parenting that she can tell 'the' neighbours, so the fear doesn't become over whelming. Of course there really isn't any 'the' neighbours- this is just your mother's unconsciousness projecting a fearful outcome of her survival ( ie her place and strength within society ).
Strange isn't it that survival used to be just get shelter, get food and water. Now it's grown into get a job, make lots of money, be successful, keep up with the Joneses.
In light of this theory the best way to have this conversation is to ask your mother what she feels about you as an adult. Let her open up - Ask her: Does she trust your strength and abilities to be a wholesome human being.
If she does, then GIVE her permission to forget any regrets she may feel. I believe this act of letting her remove herself from the fear will actually allow her to see it clearly for the first time, then by human nature she will own it and let it go.
Just my two cents,
Jenny