Home alone, Karlee comes out to play! :)
I've never been so comfortable in girls clothing before. I've never felt so right before. I like looking down and seeing a girls body, oh so appealing. Yeah, my makeup is bad, my hair isn't perfect (nobody told me straightening was harder than it looks) and I'm just lounging around in my pajamas, but I'm just being me. I had so much fun taking photos of myself! :D
I was nervous, because I had to go out and buy some foundation and lipstick in guy mode, but when I did and got home, I was all smiles. :) I applied it and I liked it. I liked my straight hair, but I still liked my curls! There is so much you can do when you are a girl. The fun and the experiments are endless, and it's just so free! I love it! :)
As much as I love being like this, I'm still oh so scared. I'm scared that I'll make a mistake. I'm scared that nobody will love me! I know, I sound like a broken record, but it's getting to me. I had so much fun dressing as Karlee, but it's time to get back to reality and try to figure out if I am going to be happier as Karlee, or to continue on the road of masculinity.
Have any of you felt like this before? Felt so happy and so right about becoming a girl, only to get anxious and worried about change? What did you do to overcome this?
I don't know how I feel sometimes. Time will tell.
Thanks for your time, and lots of love,
Karlee.x
Quote from: Karlee on September 06, 2011, 07:22:34 AM
Have any of you felt like this before? Felt so happy and so right about becoming a girl, only to get anxious and worried about change? What did you do to overcome this?
cannot say that I can relate...it was never about 'becoming' a girl/woman but rather about getting the body congruent with the mind, an error of birth that I had recognized as a child. And it definitely was never about clothes or makeup or being girly-girl in appearance or activity...not even when I was in junior high and high school. Even now, I feel incredibly out of place in anything but shorts or slacks...
When I had surgery all those years ago, I was told by the staff in Montreal that I was one of the very few patients they could ever remember not having needed the sleeping pill that they try to give the night before. There was no anxiety, there was no worry...there was just a calm with the knowing life was soon to finally be in order.
That's a good way of looking at things. I think I am more excited rather than scared, but mostly for life after transition. Admittedly, transition is nothing to toy with, it's a massive part of your life. I guess I am just being over cautious and over thinking the situation to make sure that I am doing what is right for myself. Aligning what makes me feel happy inside with things on the outside, such that I can be myself and do what I enjoy every minute of every day. Afterall, everyone's journey is different. :)
You sound like a very in control and in tune person. I like that. :) I'm glad to hear that all of your surgeries went well.
Thanks for your post! :D
Love,
Karlee.x
What a girl! :laugh: Fun trying out a whole new world isn't it?
Buying your first lipstick, especially if it is pink , in guy mode seems to be a TS rite of passage. There are a multitude of forms of expression open to us now, and I am enjoying exploring. It's true it is not about the clothes etc, but they allow us to say things about ourselves and how we view the world.
I had a nasty GID attack at the weekend because I suddenly feared finding transphobia in the lesbian community. Totally self generated about people I haven't met yet, and I am working my way past it. I figure that if I stay a recluse I won't get rejected, but conversely I can't get not rejected either. So I will be as friendly and confident as I can and get out there anyway.
That seems to be the name of the game, becoming as grounded as possible in our reality, so that we are as self confident as we can be.
Karen.