I know that there are some of us who knew that we were female from a young age. Then there are people like myself who being female came as quite a revelation.
As a child I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was male not female and was to act as such. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be girl but that made me a freak and a pervert so I hid it for decades. It wasn't until I was on hormones for seven months that I finally understood that my mind, my heart and my soul have always been female. Finally, my whole life was put into perspective and so many confusing things suddenly made perfect sense. It was both liberating and crushing. Forty years lost, pain and confusion that could have been avoided, secrets that would never have been kept, an entire life that was missed out on. These last three months have been very difficult, to say the least, but I'm getting through it. Having had this revelation it has made my path quite clear.
For those of you that had this revelation what's your story. Was it earth shattering, did it change the course of your life, was it just a confirmation of what you suspected or something else entirely?
I knew there was something about me that was different but couldn't quite understand what "it" was till i reached my early teens. I thought about coming out and telling someone but i was ashamed of it and didn't want to be laughed at. I remember watching the jerry springer show and they had a few "->-bleeped-<-s" on and the way that show portrayed transexuals made me even more scared and embarrassed to come out.
I finally came out at 19 and started hrt a few months afterwards. Now here i am at 25 re-transitioning after de-transitioning (tongue twister? lol) years ago. So after trial & error i learned that i was female all along no matter what i do, took me awhile but i finally accepted that fact & i've never been happier! ;D
Hannah's story rigs a bell with me, my childhood was similar with all the pervert and gay sh*t thrown around. At eight years old I realised that I was really a girl and had to do something about it, begged the school nurse to give me a pill that would make things right and paid a terrible price for doing so. Think the first time I felt really free to be me was at 23 with my then girlfriend who was gay. When I'm around women and especially around gay women my gender never enters my mind but when I'm around men I'm very, very conscious of it.
I'm slightly worried, because I haven't realized that I'm female. I mean, I want to be one, and I feel like it's more natural, but I've never had that aha moment. But I like feminine things (dressing up in girl jeans, t-shirts, doing my nails, makeup) and I've always been very in-touch with that side of me (theater was amazing!). I sometimes feel like I won't believe that I am a woman until I actually have breasts or a vagina. But on the other hand, I don't consider myself a "man." I'm just...me. Does anyone understand that?
i had that revelation very young. The stealing my mom's make up and dresses, playing with dolls. Things like that. When i got older i wondered how do you know that you are a woman? i mean if we believe that gender is socially conditioned than how can we say we are the opposite sex because we like what is socially constructed to be for the opposite gender. You know girls like dolls and pink, boys like blue and trucks. If these things are socially constructed which is something a lot of transgender people oppose than why do we transition and fall into the stereotypical role of our gender. Something i am yet to understand even within myself
Quote from: elsaG on September 12, 2011, 06:23:23 PM
i had that revelation very young. The stealing my mom's make up and dresses, playing with dolls. Things like that. When i got older i wondered how do you know that you are a woman? i mean if we believe that gender is socially conditioned than how can we say we are the opposite sex because we like what is socially constructed to be for the opposite gender. You know girls like dolls and pink, boys like blue and trucks. If these things are socially constructed which is something a lot of transgender people oppose than why do we transition and fall into the stereotypical role of our gender. Something i am yet to understand even within myself
Gender expression and identity are different entities. If so one wishes to fall into a stereotypical role so be it, likewise the opposite. Of course this applies to all, not just trans people.
Hmm, I grew up male. I liked to play outside in the woods with my sister (like making fires and forts and cutting down trees), or playing computer games or things like that.
Sure I did "girl things" like tea sets or stuffed animals, but no one ever questioned my gender or sexual orientation. For every "girl thing", I also was doing an equal amount of "guy things", like playing with swords or shooting guns.
At 16 I became absorbed in online gaming, and was a guy there too (at least at the start). But after a year or two I started to play as a girl (I had always played the girl in fighting video games before that).
But it was never "I am really a girl!!", it was just "hay this seems like fun, it is just roleplaying right? and girls get treated better!".
Eventually I became more attached to female characters (I guess I liked how I could act and how people responded). But it was still "just pretend"... but slowly moved into me thinking I just had a feminine side. Though, there was one time when I "came out" to a friend I had known for many years (with my male characters and female character) and said I was really a girl in real life all along haha.
Still, even with all that, I still thought of myself as a guy with a feminine side.
Then I discovered hormones and wanted to start simply to enhance my feminine side (instead of full transition). But I found out you couldn't pick and choose the effects (like having facial changes but no chest growth)... so, I thought about it, and figured I was fine with whatever happened (still not fully comfortable with my growing chest, and I"m at 5 months into hormones haha).
So, I guess I never had the "ah-ha!" moment. I never had a revelation that I was female... I just have a lot of feminine aspects which I like a lot. And now I am getting more physical / mental aspects with hormones, which I also like a lot.
Am a guy? Or a girl? Does it matter?
Quote from: elsaG on September 12, 2011, 06:23:23 PM
i had that revelation very young. The stealing my mom's make up and dresses, playing with dolls. Things like that. When i got older i wondered how do you know that you are a woman? i mean if we believe that gender is socially conditioned than how can we say we are the opposite sex because we like what is socially constructed to be for the opposite gender. You know girls like dolls and pink, boys like blue and trucks. If these things are socially constructed which is something a lot of transgender people oppose than why do we transition and fall into the stereotypical role of our gender. Something i am yet to understand even within myself
I never liked makeup or dresses or playing with dolls. I don't fall into the stereotypical role of our gender - I'm a gay tomboy. I'm not a girl because I like pink (I hate pink), I'm a girl because I'm female - because I know my body is wrong and how it is supposed to be.
Just cause I happen to look awesome in shirts that come from the men's side of the store, doesn't make me any less a girl. And as long as I'm wearing it, it's a girl's shirt. :P
I think sometimes people feel so strongly about dresses and makeup and nails and etc. because they are things that they wanted but were denied because they were supposed to be being boys. In a way I have a similar compulsion, it just takes different forms. I'm really looking forward to sticking a bunch of metal into my face and body that would have been socially problematic when I was presenting as a guy. For example.
i believe girls liking pink is socially conditioned, because well, it's just a color preference. something like dolls, i believe it's the type of play rather than the doll itself. then, the idea of "women wear dresses." "men wear pants." that's definately socially conditioned. the reason why there was a time women were only allowed to wear dresses was because it was considered modest apparel. the feminist movement is what brought women into wearing pants as more functional everyday wear.
I'm kind of similar to you Hannah, in the sense that I knew very early on but fought the notion tooth and nail till it finally just about killed me. Then there I was with my youth behind me, looking back at a waste, knowing that I knew I was a girl all along, very clearly in fact, and yet I chose to go down this destructive path instead.
It really frustrates me now. There was so much more to repair, so much necrosis that had to be cut out of my life completely than if I had just stood up for myself earlier.
But there isn't a thing you can do about the past. All you really can do is try to convince yourself that if you had been ready earlier, then you would have transitioned earlier. If/when that rings hollow, you just look forward, be grateful that you did reverse course, be thankful for your victories, be proud of yourself for finding the strength to finally be you.
I didn't have the same epiphany moment because I kind of had an understanding about being a girl, but my epiphany was that I could not live as a guy anymore. When I finally admitted that to myself it was like the entire world lifted off my shoulders.
For young people, I just want to tell you, gender/sex is not something which you can "fake it till you make it." You fake it till you fail, and your entire life falls apart. Be authentic, for your own sakes.
Quote from: Jen on September 12, 2011, 07:55:47 PM
I'm kind of similar to you Hannah, in the sense that I knew very early on but fought the notion tooth and nail till it finally just about killed me. Then there I was with my youth behind me, looking back at a waste, knowing that I knew I was a girl all along, very clearly in fact, and yet I chose to go down this destructive path instead.
It really frustrates me now. There was so much more to repair, so much necrosis that had to be cut out of my life completely than if I had just stood up for myself earlier.
But there isn't a thing you can do about the past. All you really can do is try to convince yourself that if you had been ready earlier, then you would have transitioned earlier. If/when that rings hollow, you just look forward, be grateful that you did reverse course, be thankful for your victories, be proud of yourself for finding the strength to finally be you.
I didn't have the same epiphany moment because I kind of had an understanding about being a girl, but my epiphany was that I could not live as a guy anymore. When I finally admitted that to myself it was like the entire world lifted off my shoulders.
For young people, I just want to tell you, gender/sex is not something which you can "fake it till you make it." You fake it till you fail, and your entire life falls apart. Be authentic, for your own sakes.
i'm glad i've learned that early on, and am now full time.
Quote from: FullMoon19 on September 12, 2011, 07:32:19 PM
i believe girls liking pink is socially conditioned, because well, it's just a color preference.
Yep. Because it used to be the opposite - blue was considered for girls as the 'calmer' color. And pink and red for boys.
That being said - I still hated pink and purple as a kid, probably because they were 'girl' colors. :laugh: Strangely, I like both now.
Quote from: Rabbit on September 12, 2011, 07:07:40 PM
Hmm, I grew up male. I liked to play outside in the woods with my sister (like making fires and forts and cutting down trees), or playing computer games or things like that.
Sure I did "girl things" like tea sets or stuffed animals, but no one ever questioned my gender or sexual orientation. For every "girl thing", I also was doing an equal amount of "guy things", like playing with swords or shooting guns.
At 16 I became absorbed in online gaming, and was a guy there too (at least at the start). But after a year or two I started to play as a girl (I had always played the girl in fighting video games before that).
But it was never "I am really a girl!!", it was just "hay this seems like fun, it is just roleplaying right? and girls get treated better!".
Eventually I became more attached to female characters (I guess I liked how I could act and how people responded). But it was still "just pretend"... but slowly moved into me thinking I just had a feminine side. Though, there was one time when I "came out" to a friend I had known for many years (with my male characters and female character) and said I was really a girl in real life all along haha.
Still, even with all that, I still thought of myself as a guy with a feminine side.
Then I discovered hormones and wanted to start simply to enhance my feminine side (instead of full transition). But I found out you couldn't pick and choose the effects (like having facial changes but no chest growth)... so, I thought about it, and figured I was fine with whatever happened (still not fully comfortable with my growing chest, and I"m at 5 months into hormones haha).
So, I guess I never had the "ah-ha!" moment. I never had a revelation that I was female... I just have a lot of feminine aspects which I like a lot. And now I am getting more physical / mental aspects with hormones, which I also like a lot.
Am a guy? Or a girl? Does it matter?
this is kinda like my story... i grew up feeling like a girl, I liked dolls and the clothes, and the such. But growing up i had no "name" for it so i dismissed it as a phase... then i got a term only recently and now i know who i am... but im scared... most of my friends know (and i came out to them thinking i was gay) and now im looking for stuff like, a doctor who can justifie Estrogen as a medical need.... because i dont think i can pay for it (i dont know how much it costs -_-)
15, for a few weeks then I just thought it was a phase. 16 1/2 it came back stably. Before that I wished I was a girl since I was really young but just accepted that I was a boy.
Hannah,
* For those of you that had this revelation what's your story. Was it earth shattering, did it change the course of your life, was it just a confirmation of what you suspected or something else entirely? *
You use the word REVELATION, I was told EPIPHANY (by shrink), and I had called it a major 'brain-quake' when it finally happened. Actually not so long ago.
It was like a major earth-quake, that had build up tension over decades and when it finally happened it was HUGE. Crushing, earth-shattering, destructive, yet one enormous relieve.
Like something giving birth in my brain.
It also came along with attempts of denial of what had happened, internal arguing, but also the penned up truck-loads of sadness collected over SO many years. Buckets of snot and tears about all the missed, misplaced, misallocated, life as a girl forced to be a boy - from about age 5.
So many unexplainable things just fell into place that I had tried, and tried, to figure out and up to this point really couldn't. Not even therapy, many therapies, years back had dug that up.
When it happened, the earth quake, it was a simple short message: "You are a woman!" Bang. Crazy! But so it is! Oh ->-bleeped-<-! Oh hell... and on.
No more fooling around with complex BS stories, stop it. That's all there is, all there was. So simple, so NUTS!
Of course over time all those little repressed and denied things come up in one's mind, like swamp gas bubbles, all that stuff that was ignored and repressed over and over.
But the initial brain-quake was one big bang in my case, and it seemed very similar to what you have described.
4 weeks later I was Full Time, 2 month later HRT, 15 month later SRS. So much for life changing. Sure can call it that, eh :-)
Axelle
I got into a lot of trouble trying to explain this once:
I never really had a revelation, just dysphoria caused by being transsexual that I needed to address the right way.
Edit: I can only remember fighting to be a boy / man, always fighting. Dumb move.
There was no revelation, only a point of acceptance. A point when I looked back on 31 years never lived, realizing with horror that I never in my life recaptured the same happiness I felt when I was four years old and my only friend was the girl across the street. At that young age, I prayed I'd wake up a girl the next day. I gave up my prayer and religion when I was 13, in large part because my heart's greatest wish didn't come true.
I gave up spirituality. I gave up dating people I wanted to be with. I gave up every opportunity to live my life the way I wanted to live it.
My only true revelation was that enough was enough. Transition wasn't about letting the girl inside of me out, it was about letting me out. The only memories I have where I can't remember knowing I was female were from the age of 3 when my parents were divorcing. I'm sure the feeling was there, just suppressed by the torture of lawyers, fighting, know-nothing psychoanalysts, and being yelled at by a judge because I couldn't choose who I wanted to live with. I have pictures from before the age of 3 that show sides of me that I couldn't put words to until later. I always knew I was female. All I had to do was stop fighting myself and let it be.
Quote from: FullMoon19 on September 12, 2011, 07:32:19 PM
i believe girls liking pink is socially conditioned, because well, it's just a color preference. something like dolls, i believe it's the type of play rather than the doll itself. then, the idea of "women wear dresses." "men wear pants." that's definately socially conditioned. the reason why there was a time women were only allowed to wear dresses was because it was considered modest apparel. the feminist movement is what brought women into wearing pants as more functional everyday wear.
Pink being considered a 'girls color' is actually pretty new.
In Western culture, the practice of assigning pink to an individual gender began in the 1920s[12] or earlier.[13] An article in the trade publication Earnshaw's Infants' Department in June 1918 said: "The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl."[14] From then until the 1940s, pink was considered appropriate for boys because being related to red it was the more masculine and decided color, while blue was considered appropriate for girls because it was the more delicate and dainty color, or related to the Virgin Mary.[15][16][17] Since the 1940s, the societal norm was inverted; pink became considered appropriate for girls and blue appropriate for boys, a practice that has continued into the 21st century.Pulled that from Wikipedia for quick reference.
I'll have to think on my eureka moment, But I think, just pulling it from my bad memory, it was when I was watching Disney's The Little Mermaid I wanted to Be like Ariel, with beautiful long red hair and such a beautiful voice... And the feeling that it was right for me to want that and then I thought I was out of my mind. And so I watched it again and again... But, my Mum has told me that she knew I was crossdressing since I was 11 and I dont think the little Mermaid was available in Germany until I was maybe 12? Then there was the time when I through a huge fit because she wouldnt let me wear a dress. It must have been pretty bad for her to remember that. LOL!
I remember wanting to look and be like a girl as a kid, like some many others. I even told my mom and she helped me. And then for some reason, shame came into my life and I abandoned everything. I spent late childhood up to 17 trying to be as manly as possible.
And then at 17, the simply thought, "perhaps I was supposed to be born a girl", interred my head. I was terrified. I remember sinking into a deep depression over it and the ramifications it implied. I let that fear rule me up until last year when I finally started to take steps to end the misery.
So, for me, I had an epiphany, and I finally got the point of thinking this has to be done, or else I'm dead.
Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on September 13, 2011, 02:58:49 AM
So, for me, I had an epiphany, and I finally got the point of thinking this has to be done, or else I'm dead.
The Final Epiphany. I came to the same point, swim to the shore and put on my Bikini...or drown.
I remember fervently where and when it occurred, even if not what actually caused it.
With hindsight, there was lots of little moments, lots of little things & behaviour that can now be put together and explain as caused by being born in the wrong gender. However, none of them individually jumped out at me or those around me as "hey that's transgender". Unlike some, I would say I did know what transgender / transsexual is at least on the surface if not in detail, and that transsexual people exist. I simply didn't associate the concept to myself before.
So this one day, I was in my room, on my computer as I do every day and something just clicked inside me. I suddenly had this horrifying realisation of what was wrong with me. So I did as much research on the internet as I can, to find out what it mean medically, what can be done, what it mean legally etc. Coupled that with my pre-existing knowledge (prejudice) of what it would mean with friends, family, the wider ethnic community if/when they find out, relatives which I have worldwide. There was never any denial that this is me, more a fear of what to come, what it'll mean. A little bit of I don't want this to be true because it'll hurt & be difficult.
Then there was this other moment a few months later in the early hours I was driving back from playing poker. I had lost all my money so was going home early. Normally it would be "damn I lost again :(". This time round on the journal, my brain suddenly clicked and went from "I'm trans" to "I'm a woman". And then there was bliss. :D
For me, there was moment..
I always related to the girls better than the boys. I love playing with dolls as well as the boys toys....
Teenage years came and I started cross dressing and began exploring being a woman...
I tried pantyhose and later panties... makeup etc.. but never all at the same time..
I never fully dressed until I was 21.. I wore a dress, pantyhose, nice bra and panty set, makeup and heels with a wig..
and when I saw that girl in the mirror... I knew I am really a girl... its like everything clicked
and every started from there.. i am now on hRT for around 9 months.. and I am very happy with the results..
I knew when I was really young that was something very different about me, but at that age I had no idea what it was or how to even begin to explain it to someone. At around 10 years old I remembered having my first dreams as being female, and somehow it just felt right. It happened more and more, and also I began to question why I was born a boy, wondering what it would've been like to be a girl like some of my friends. I began wishing to wake up as one, even if it was just for a day. Of course, that never happened...
Between the age of 13-17 I was wrapped up in emotional turmoil over several things that distracted me sufficiently from gender. But come 17 it crashed down on me tenfold, and I wanted to be female so badly that it wound me up in some very dark places, almost committing suicide at a few points. I was also in significant denial that it wasn't even real, which didn't help matters for me.
In the past year I knew I had to do something about these feelings, they just did not go away, and I tried desperately to push them aside before, never succeeding. I got back into counseling and began working up the long hill to began dealing with this. I learned that my health insurance covers HRT, which motivated me to take action very soon.
It really did not occur to me how significant this was...until I was set and ready to go with HRT, and only needed a letter from my counselor, and she delayed it. I was devastated, and it launched me into dangerous depression for a while. I came back from it fighting though, and found another doctor to do this with, and now have everything set to start HRT on this Friday. (they talked about even bloodwork, this told me that it's a go) I think what helped me to realize who I am....is recognizing the danger of NOT transitioning, that I saw for the first time that if I don't do this, it will literally be signing my death sentence. I may not do it now, but down the road I know I will be at high risk of harming myself. I did not want that. I want to live, and with that it told me that I am supposed to...and that this is who I am. I don't believe I'm exclusively to one gender or the other (which this could change in time), but I DO know that I was not meant to be born male. Even if I differ from the gender binary, I should have been born female all along, and lost out on a lot because of it not happening. But also I am very happy to finally be doing something after many years of pain and denial, to see there was light at the end of the tunnel. :)
What can I say? A lot of searching out who I am. No knowledge to understand just feelings that never end. The perseptions of others that extend. Who they say I am; I know I'm not. How is it they can't see the true me? The corrupted image that over shadows me. They sought me with their eyes and not with their hearts for this they never knew the true me. Even I was decieved by the same playing along with their childish game. I must be who they say I am because they were placed over me. There I sat in my dark aboud yet a spark of light still untold. The biblical frase all say they know. How say they love me as theirselves when the I that am they have cast out. But the I that am can not be put out. The I that am is with no doubt. Time and love has brought me forth and they can no longer say that I am not for I know who I shall be.
my revelation came a few years ago (2 maybe 3) although at the time I was just fantasizing about being able to shape shift and of course waking up one day as a woman.It was about a year ago that I found out about transsexuals and boom a lot of things from the past made a little more sense , ever since kinder garden I always chose female action figures (Pink Power Ranger from the first series) then to later playing as Lara Croft when we role played shooters in an construction site (fun times).Then something happened at around age 10 or so I had this feeling that I wont make it past 40 which about recent made sense.I have lived in Lala land since I was 4 or so , video games kept me from thinking about it and they probably saved me from a lot of emotional torment ,but even here I still wanted to be female, god bless Bioware and Bethseda for making such great games .Always played as a female character ,playing a male one seemed weird.There was a time when I role played with other kids ,we were just a few boys on the street (3) playing fantasy shooters with plastic guns I always chose to play as Lara Croft (Tomb Raider saga) I was about 8 or 9 then.Thruought my childhood to a few years ago I always tried to deny it but denying this is like trying to deny your sexuality sooner or later it just pops up.(I like them big booties ^.^)
I don't consider coming out to anyone, I'll do what I need to do and to hell with the consequences.
PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed from watching women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)
Quote from: Telyna on September 13, 2011, 12:50:42 PM
PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed from watching women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)
Like how I'll never look like my friend who's 5'1" with tiny feet, shiny straight hair, perfect complexion, seductive eyes, and 36E breasts despite being skinny...? Yeah. All the time. And I'm not even a lesbian!
Quote from: Telyna on September 13, 2011, 12:50:42 PM
video games kept me from thinking about it and they probably saved me from a lot of emotional torment ,but even here I still wanted to be female, god bless Bioware and Bethseda for making such great games .Always played as a female character ,playing a male one seemed weird.
Amen to that :P
Quote from: findingreason on September 13, 2011, 11:09:32 AM
I was also in significant denial that it wasn't even real, which didn't help matters for me.
.
I think what helped me to realize who I am....is recognizing the danger of NOT transitioning, that I saw for the first time that if I don't do this, it will literally be signing my death sentence. I may not do it now, but down the road I know I will be at high risk of harming myself. I did not want that. I want to live, and with that it told me that I am supposed to...and that this is who I am. I don't believe I'm exclusively to one gender or the other (which this could change in time), but I DO know that I was not meant to be born male. Even if I differ from the gender binary, I should have been born female all along, and lost out on a lot because of it not happening. But also I am very happy to finally be doing something after many years of pain and denial, to see there was light at the end of the tunnel. :)
I try not thinking about how it should have been, for my way of thinking this is how it happened, keeps the panic and anxiety at bay. Comes down to this..."Live Free or Die"...and I'm not even from New Hampshire. :laugh:
Quote from: kristin? on September 13, 2011, 01:06:28 PM
Amen to that :P
Again here! Chun Li was the biz back in the day. Wicked spinning kick! ;D
Quote from: Telyna on September 13, 2011, 12:50:42 PM
PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed from watching women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)
Not really...but quite frankly, I am quite content simply being average in the looks department. It still doesn't stop me from routinely getting the "I find you ->-bleeped-<-ing sexy" line in the back of the bar as I then get a tonsil check and a light physical...and yeah, that really DOES seem to be one of the lines of choice for the little 20-somethings that have hit on my recently. It does do this 40-something's ego a bit of good to know that after close to 30 years in the lesbian community that I am not yet relegated to the OWL population :laugh:
Quote from: Ann Onymous on September 13, 2011, 02:14:35 PM
Not really...but quite frankly, I am quite content simply being average in the looks department. It still doesn't stop me from routinely getting the "I find you ->-bleeped-<-ing sexy" line in the back of the bar as I then get a tonsil check and a light physical...and yeah, that really DOES seem to be one of the lines of choice for the little 20-somethings that have hit on my recently. It does do this 40-something's ego a bit of good to know that after close to 30 years in the lesbian community that I am not yet relegated to the OWL population :laugh:
Tonsil check...light physical...makes for a more compliant patient?
Quote from: SandraJane on September 13, 2011, 05:18:22 PM
Tonsil check...light physical...makes for a more compliant patient?
if I were to properly answer that, we would likely need someone to move the thread over to 'sexuality' :laugh:
I grew up being terrified of being associated with girly things.
However, I always knew that I wanted more than anything to be a girl.
Even recently in my 30's the yearning was just so strong, I kept going thinking one day it would stop.
It never has.
So now Ive been seeing a therapist, taking hormones.
Its not easy now. Im 3 months in, not out at work, Ive lost friends, relationships that are manifesting are awkward, I feel all awkward quite a bit.
Im totally in between, but its okay. I have no choice.
Sometimes I see myself, and I can begin to see my hips, and my face smoothing out, and I feel pretty, sometimes even sexy, and its all worth it :-)
Quote from: Telyna on September 13, 2011, 12:50:42 PM
PS For those of you who come out as lesbians , have you ever felt depressed from watching women you find beautiful only to find out that you'll never look like them (or something of the sort)
Not really. I don't think I'm particularly unattractive. And when I'm looking at a gorgeous girl I'm not generally thinking "I want to look like that," I'm thinking "I want to..." *cough*. :angel:
I haven't had a revelation just yet, but I think I'm close! :)
I remember thinking way back (well, perhaps 5 years ago) that I was actually born female but my parent's wanted a boy, so they changed me! :S But now I starting to the the opposite, and that I was born physically a boy, but mentally a girl! Bit of a backward thinker from a young age I guess. ;) I experimented from a very young age, and still love it to this day.
I dressed today, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and thought 'Wow'. This is me, this is what makes me happy and this is my body finally (although temporarily) aligned with what I feel. Even going back into guy mode, I looked at my body and into my eyes and didn't see a boy looking back, I saw a trapped girl. Perhaps that was my revelation? Perhaps I'm in for an epiphany at any moment. I welcome both with open arms. :)
Lots of love,
Karlee.x
Karlee
* I haven't had a revelation just yet, but I think I'm close! *
Sounds a bit like waiting for the BIG ONE in San Fran, eh? :-)
These things have their own way. It usually - if it happens this way! - still occurs pretty unexpected.
Yet, you must realize we all different.
Since you have some high level of awareness, I personally can't see this would come as some major shock, Revelation, Epiphany, brain-quake.
It usually does so, if you much more into denial and repression - and I think you do not sound as if you are.
So don't look for THAT. What will be, will be.
My 2 cents,
Axelle
Quote from: 30kps on September 12, 2011, 05:42:48 PM
I'm slightly worried, because I haven't realized that I'm female. I mean, I want to be one, and I feel like it's more natural, but I've never had that aha moment. But I like feminine things (dressing up in girl jeans, t-shirts, doing my nails, makeup) and I've always been very in-touch with that side of me (theater was amazing!). I sometimes feel like I won't believe that I am a woman until I actually have breasts or a vagina. But on the other hand, I don't consider myself a "man." I'm just...me. Does anyone understand that?
Yup. I'm not going through SRS, yet want to reach the level of being able to pass at the beach. Also, I'm far more attracted to women than to men, even on hormones, and am perfectly fine with that.
Quote from: mimpi on September 13, 2011, 01:42:07 PM
Again here! Chun Li was the biz back in the day. Wicked spinning kick! ;D
same with me. she used to be my role model. i even wanted spiked bracelets like her :) then, i found out there was no way i could get legs as strong as hers, and i had no "kikokens."
Same story as you Hannah. It was actually only a few months ago that I realized, and forced me to start researching. On almost a daily basis I'm finding out more and more just how female I am. Did you know it also comes to how you part your hair? Rather interesting to me. Among other things such as rotating a map in the direction you're facing. Does anyone else here do this? Apparently there's quite a lot I do that is definitely "not-male" and I'm surprised I never noticed. I suppose that's why people assume things about me.
@ Karlee,
I understand what you're saying about the eyes. I have always felt this about myself. This is why I always looked away from people when I'm talking to them. Recently though I've been more at ease with myself so I'm finding I have eye contact more often.
I remembered a few things today. Now, I've moved around so much that the locations blur in my mind, so I'm trying to mentally put actions to thoughts to places and it isn't easy. Some things I need to cross-reference with my mother via email but here's what I have remembered.
Age 5-10 yrs:
My Mum has photos of me carrying a doll. I'm going to ask her more about that.
My Mum told me when I was 5 I threw a huge fit because she wouldn't let me wear a dress.
I remember reading the storybook version of Disney's The rescuers and I think I showed/ told my Mum that I wanted to be like Penny.
I got caught wearing a white pleated skirt when I was at my friend Jade's apartment by my Dad. He teased me and I ran back home to my room where I barricaded the door so he couldn't get in and tease me anymore. I cried my eyes out that day.
Age 11:
Started dressing as a girl.
Age 19:
Got confronted my my Mum when I got home from work about my crossdressing. I didnt even know I had been doing it since I was 11 until she told me.
So I guess I had my revelation when I was between 5-10 yrs old.
Well when I was younger 5-8 I always asked my mum, "why am I different? what's wrong with me?" The thing is I didn't know what it was nor could I explain why I thought that to her. I slowly realized I didn't like hanging out with the guys didn't like rough housing and whatnot I liked talking with girls and just being around them, I always made friends with other girls really easily. This changed when I got older because I became introverted I realized that me being unhappy with my gender/genitalia was not normal and socializing with girls was thought as a bit odd, and when I did they thought I was trying to flirt with them Y-Y
This went on for awhile and I just told myself I'm a guy and I should hang out with guys I read tons of books since 10 to take my mind off it live in someone's shoes in essence.... Long story short I was not happy and I realized at 16 I could not be happy and just tried to keep it under lid told myself would transition until I was in college whelp that changed 18 and only out to my mum and some close friends (unfortunately they are 7hours away :( )
and that's devoid of the sexuality revelation augh that was maddening D:
at any rate I apologize for any incoherence I'm not sleeping well lately
This is actually a really difficult question to answer. Like many here, I believe that my own internalised homo/trans phobia was so great,and past experiences of anxiety, depression, and rejection so strong, they have actually clouded my mind.
I'll tell you this though.
Sept 2010 - I log onto YouTube. I type in the search field - MTF transition.
Now I know to most of you in the community this means something, but to the general populous outside? I doubt it. I had been living as a gay male for over 10 years, but wasn't in the scene, or even read street presses or anything like that- so where did I pick up a phrase like that?
Like many of you I started to reflect back on my life to have those ahhhh moments. That's why!
I do believe that I have come to time in my life when I am ready. Before this last month I began to feel that maybe my dysphoria wasn't great enough- not proper enough.
I had been to counseling before for depression and for ADHD testing; All of my own doing; in an attempt to find what was wrong with me. I must admit that at no time did I equate any of "my" dramas or problems to gender?!
....and yet here I am, able to feel for the first time in over 30 years - and I mean cry ( god it hurts), something I never did before. Even when really, really, really down. My emotions just never seemed to show.
Jenny
I was always a feminine boy growing up. I was fascinated by fashion, hair, makeup, and women. I was raised by two lesbians, which may or may not have influenced who I would later become.
I knew I was gay from a young age. So being feminine and gay were quite easy. However, it wasn't for me. I felt I'd be better integrated into female society. I started HRT and I did.