I just want to share some of the good things that have been happening to me and take my mind off the bad things.
1 year ago i changed to a different university to study something new and met a lot of new and amazing people
9 months ago i started HRT
then 2 months ago i moved in with a few friends and came out to them. They reacted really positively, although one guy doesn't seem to be quite concious what this all means to me, considering the way he still treats me. When i get home from these holidays i will try to talk with him about it. i just can't believe that he's that insensitive.
And now recently i got even closer with my friends thanks to some wonderful holidays (with a group of friends i felt so safe with that i let so many of my defenses go down) and i did come out to another friend. This might have been the most positive reaction i have ever gotten! Our relationship has changed completely, becoming much closer friends and i just immediately felt that i can be me, i can be a girl, i don't have to hide anything with her. A few days later we went shopping together (well, i was in guy mode, so i was mostly just looking at everything. except that one time she dragged me to buy my first bra :D) and it was just so much fun. And we talked a lot including coming out to the others (and we both agree that most of them will probably accept me with open arms). Oh and she has another mtf friend and it turns out i had already met her once on a forum! heck it was one of the few people i PMed, i think. what are the chances?
I came back from those holidays with my friends so energized and with such a positive outlook, that i even caught myself saying instead of the usual "i hate my life" a much better sounding "My life is starting to go really well". I'm even looking forward to coming out to some of my friends instead of dreading it!
Meanwhile some time has passed. And since i've had time to let my thoughts torture me while having to hide away again most of the time, i'm back on the negative train of thoughts. But i had a taste of being happy and i want more of it and now i'm sure of what i need to be happy and that i can get it.
My life is going well, isn't it?