I am really young so I have a lot of waiting for, well, everything. And I have no idea how I'm gonna make it. And don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm gonna kill myself. But I just don't care about anything anymore. For example, I stopped going to school, and I'm not even worried about it. And there is so much right making my dysphoria worse, and there are things my parents could do. But they don't understand it. Like, my shoes are in women-size, might not sound like a big deal. But I almost start hyperventilating because of it. And my parents don't understand that. Because for me to need new shoes, I'd need to outgrow the ones I already have. And even then, my dad has never allowed me to by men's shoes.
Nobody uses the right pronouns, they just skip that part of the sentence. Example, "What does *awkward short pause instead of a pronoun* want?" So my name now is pretty much this: ____. Except for behind my back of course. I heard my parents talking in the kitchen (over the phone, they don't live together) And I heard my dad use my birthname and female pronouns.
There are old pictures of me from my somewhat girly stage hanging around. And the only reason I looked like a girl was because my dad wouldn't let me cut my hair short. Which is always fun to see.
And I have two older brothers. And when I fight with one of them, he calls me a princess as an insult.
And I have so much dysphoria downstairs that it is unfathomable. And my mom doesn't understand. Like, I asked for a packer. And she said no.. and then she said, "I'll think about it." I asked her again 2 days later, yet again, "No.... I'll think about it." So that's a no. And I don't know what to do, I heard about the giftcard thing, but I can't buy that here. And the sock, it doesn't work.
And I also used to like this girl in my class. But then once she told this really fun story about when she was on her way to school. In her own words, "I was sitting on the train to school, and there was this he/she there. And it kept looking at me. So I started making faces!"
And that was just, really? IT? And I was sitting in the group she was talking to, and I wasn't out in school, but I definitely looked like a guy, except my birthname was what I had to use, and female pronouns too. And that was just, "I LOVE highschool!"
And just more and more moremrmoremwikg lrnthudkhlg................ This doesn't really have a point, kinda. Except for if anyone has any tips on how to not feel like vomiting all the time.
Oh, and the icing on the cake! My mp3 broke, so now, I can't even listen to music anymore. :icon_pissed:
I'm not sure if what I'm going to say will really help you at all. but I will try. because, who knows.
So you asked for tips on how to not have dysphoria. I'm not sure if I can give you ones that will help you, I can only tell you what helps me.
I actually don't really have "dysphoria", I don't think. I mean, it still makes me feel horrible that people see me and instantly think I'm a girl (I'm pre-everything).
But I kind of see my body as having a disorder. Like someone who was born without arms, or with an extra pair of arms. It's a physical disorder.
There's nothing I can do about it (right now).
I don't even blame people for calling me "she" because I know I look like a girl to them. and even if I saw someone who looked like a girl, my brain would want to say "she", and if that person who looked like a girl to me changed and looked like a male to me, then it would be much easier for my brain to want to say "he."
And so I try to give people some slack for calling me "she" until I get on T and start to actually really look male.
I just try to understand what it's like for the other person looking at me. I mean, I wish they all instantly understood me. but if I don't understand them in that they don't understand me, then I'm not being very understanding either.
Back to dysphoria about the body... idk, I just try to tell myself to not let it bother me. There is no point in getting all wound up about something I can't change right now. Instead, I can only slowly work towards making my body look male, one step at a time. And as long as I'm taking steps, I feel progress. and can feel hopeful that someday everything will be okay.
I know that's a stupid and hard thing to say, "Don't let it bother you." because I know it's not that easy. but I've been telling myself that for a very long time, and I think it's starting to work.
I still have to wear my binder out in public, but I can not let it bother me what's underneath my binder. I know someday I can get top surgery. and that keeps me hopeful.
Idk if any of this is helping you.
Maybe you should ask your parents to let you see a therapist who you could get better advice from on how to deal with dysphoria better.
Just to let you know, I read the whole thing :) Anyway, I have began to skip school which is a bad idea because you can get in a lot of trouble now for not going to school but I understand why you might not want to go. The shoe thing I really understand because I hate wearing anything that says "Womens" on it. Have them give you money and you go out and pick the shoes. Your dad sounds like mine, he always calls me his little princess and sweety and ugh just those kind of names. Brothers are meant to terrorize you and make you feel awful, I know a lot of people's brothers who insult them every time they see them. I bought a packer but now I'm obsessed about whether it is in the right place or not, and then I remember it's not real and ugh that depresses me even more. The sock method never worked for me either. Girls are complicated and sometimes evil and it's impossible to know what goes on in their brains and there is plenty of fish in the sea. And I am deeply sorry about the MP3 player. Well, I don't know if I helped any but I felt the need to comment.
Don't drop out. I did and it didn't make anything better. Then I had to go to some Christian school when I decided to go back. When ever I got shoes at foot Locker, champs, finish line type store I just point to the shoes I want ask for my size and try them on. The guy never says if their men's or women's. So if you go to one of those type stores would your dad even notice? Since everything is just on the walls and there aren'trows of men's shoes and then rows of women's?
Maybe you could come up with a neutral name that your parents will agree to call you.
Does your phone play music?
Pretend the pictures are someone else.
Have you tried the hair gel condom packer?
Don't give that girl a second thought. The there a billions of people in the world.
i feel the same. i kinda stopped going to school too. last year and missed the whole last month of school. ive tryed going to a adolescent psychologist who is a trans 'specialist' but he pissed me off so much. He also neglected to help with any of the problems i came to him for anxiety depression and a letter for T. so i have the same frustrations also im pretty damn dysphoric too although its mostly body shape and the way my voice sounds. also very few people at school use the right pronouns so i stopped going because i refuse to deal with these ->-bleeped-<-s. i think young trans men need to stick together. i could help you get a packer so PM me. you can always talk to me because i think ive been through the stuff your going through now. hope i can help.
-Parker
Just thought I'd say thanks for all the replies, and to say that they do help.
I'm gonna see if I can buy shoes myself, hopefully that way I can get what I want. But he might allow me to get men's shoes now, because he thinks I'm depressed (he's probably right thou) and wants me to start taking pills for that. So hopefully he doesn't wanna make it worse and will allow me to get new men's shoes.
And my phone doesn't work.
I haven't tried the condom thing, I might though.
And I'm not even friends with that girl anymore.
And about the name, my dad would allow me to change my name right away, but only to Alex or Kim. :/
Kim = makes me think of Eminem's very nice song "Kim"
Alex = makes me think of Olivia Wilde's character in the O.C.
So for me, both of them are too feminine.
tl:dr
Something about dysphoria, and life sucking, and having to wait for life not to suck.
Yeah, I get that totally. Life is such a waiting game. You want to know what sucks even more? Waiting is actually the easy part of life.....
I'd say go with Alex, at least for now. It might not be great for you, but it's better than nothing.
(Also read the whole thing)
I'm gonna second Sharky and say don't quit school. I never outright quit, but when I was drinking bad I stopped going for weeks at a time and completely screwed myself over.
It's a bull->-bleeped-<- Catch 22, too, the place you're at. You need to do something now, but no one's letting you do anything, and the inaction is making you even more miserable. Ugly, vicious cycle, grinding itself right into the damn ground. I wish I had some excellent scraps of wisdom to share, but all I can say is to not give up. Not because it'll get better, even though it probably will, but just don't give up for the sake of not giving up. I don't want to clog up your thread with my "live for revenge" rant, because I've got an awful tendency to do that, but seriously. Don't quit on anything you need just because the people around you don't get it.
I quit going to regular high school in 11th grade. I finished my high school in a alternative program called adult education. Basically you go in, do some work packets and go home. No homework because the books werent allowed to leave the building. Would your school district have something like that? Or online high school. There are other options then just dropping out.
I dropped out when I was old enough and got my GED later on. It did me well, cause after I dropped out I began to transition against what my mother wanted. I moved out the day I turned 18. I'm 21 now. I passed my GED with flying colors and it's not that I'm dumb...I just couldn't handle the torment of my peers anymore. It worked for me, but may not work for everyone.