I've come to realize that I probably am a girl. With such a scary prospect I'm definitely filled with doubt, guilt, and a billion questions, but in my heart I think I know the answer.
I'm struggling to figure out what to do about it. Wife, kids, great job, social life, family.... It's very tempting to just think that I'll push these feelings away and deal with it.
So how did you figure it out? What was meaningful to you at this point in your process?
Thanks for your answers. This has definitely been the most painful period of self reflection I've ever experienced. Your thoughts mean a lot.
Angela78
Well, just over a year ago, I went thru what you are experiencing. The only expectation no kids, just a dog.
Here is the steps I would recommend:
1. Therapy
2. Develop Pros & Cons List about transition
3. If you decide to transition, develop a transition plan, schedule and budget
4. Discuss with you wife, you must be very truthful about everything including your feels and your feelings towards her and the family.
5. Will you still transition if your wife wants to leave you?
6. Therapy for your wife and kids, then will be in shock, grieving, etc.
Okay, that was the hardest part to get thru in my opinion.
For work: If you are a great employee, your company will help you thru your transition (My company didn't even blink an eye lid)
For Friends: If you have a great relation with your friends, then will except and support you, but you need them to also support your family - this is very important.
BTW: One year later, I lost my wife and dog, we are still great friends though, only lost 1 friend, but met hundreds for new people either thru support groups, TG boards or my Youtube Channel.
Good luck with everything,
Jamie
From what I've read, it appears that in many (most?) cases, doubts and fears were not founded. It's not a reason to rush through transition oblivious of consequences, but still, you have quite high chances of things going better than you think. A surprising number of wives stay with their trans partner. And the great majority of children accept their new mother without much shock, depending on their age (the younger, the easier, usually).
What is almost certain to me is that your chances of being able to find true happiness without addressing your gender issues at all are close to zero.
Quote from: Angela78 on September 18, 2011, 08:36:52 AM
I've come to realize that I probably am a girl.
So how did you figure it out? What was meaningful to you at this point in your process?
Probably??? I have known since i was 4 what i should have been, and it has screwed with my mind all my life. Back then never heard of TG or disphoria - not a topic in an old Catholic school. (I could only see the nuns reaction if i spoke up back then >:-) - now that would be a Kodiak moment)
You would have known long ago and not just recently. Best find someone to talk to and not mess up what you have for their and your sakes.
Sorry to sound rough about it but it is something deeper than feeling like maybe I'm a girl.
not an easy decision to make but it may be the only one. Your heart is your guiding light, it never lies, however our mind is constantly involved with computations and calculations of what is more productive and profitable. Mind calculates how we relate in the world, so it really has a best interest of keeping us in line against all the stereotypes, church, society, loved ones, etc. Our hearts on the other hand are a beacon of truth and illuminate the path which is foretold for us. They are the whisper of the universe and guardian angel and come from within our soul our self.
You must make a choice between truth-your heart and who you are for others, how others rather have you be. The second is just plain comfortable prison, a dungeon where your soul dies a little each day.
Truth in your heart is the freedom and true you, but don't be fooled, such truth has its price, and I guarantee pain and suffering when you brake the bond with lies and deceit, said that, the rewards of embracing truth are immense and to truly start life and live it as YOU, true, wholesome being is immeasurable.
I would suggest first and for most therapy with gender specialist, preferably someone who had been doing it quite some time. There you will travel to the unimaginable land of subconscious and learn things about your self, you never could imagine existed. Clarity will surface and your decisions shall be easier and purpose will present it self in front of your eyes. Whats more, you don't have to disclose your therapy with anyone, and therapist is bound by patient-doctor privacy, so potential for unwanted news is simply none.
I am sorry this process of coming to terms with truth is so complicated but so is the life of pain, guilt, remorse and sorrow. Good luck hon, Love, Inna
Billie, everyone adapts to this at their own pace and in their own style. This obviously isn't something that has manifested only in the last few months with my therapist. I've known this for years and am finally doing something about it. The enormity and weight of the change has been tough for me.
I felt like I was a prisoner in the wrong body and everything was wrong with it. Least of which was the way society in general treated me. Sir, he, him, male, man and all the things that society in general expects from an individual in the male, man category was killing me inside. the stress and pressure of keeping the facade up was tearing me apart and eventually started to crumble slowly but surely. I knew that the only way that I could become in tune, so to speak, was to embrace the woman in me and I did just that. And slowly but surely, as I grew as a woman, i have become more and more in tune with myself. The more and more in tune i have become with myself, the more and more out of tune I have become with society. When you openly transition from male to female, society has a big problem with it, in general. People will smile to your face and when your back is turned, bite you. Again this is in general and not set in stone. I think that it varies from person to person and i believe, sadly, is directly proportional to how well you are able to "pass". Now, there is a difference between "passing" and someone respecting your gender and using gender appropriate pronouns because they are respectful (of course this is a good thing, but nowhere near "passing") Its a lonely road filled with less opportunity than those that conform to societies general gender expectations. blah blah blah
These are just my personal opnions, not that you asked for my opinion, but I felt like sharing. You are not alone
Nikki
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Angela, I think I can relate.
For me, I knew something had to be done when I didnt want to go on living.
Everyday it would get stronger, it got to the point where I couldnt look at any woman without feeling a yearning that just led me to despair.
I would take lunch between the flamingo and Osheas in the alley right next to the strip, and all the women would walk by...all shapes and sizes, I couldnt take it anymore.
For years I would feel it. This yearning to be female. It would come an go, at times it would dictate my private life. Not the one I shared with a lover, although it usually wasnt long before it would work its way in.
Now, 4 months on HRT I am so happy with my body. It looks and feels female. There are parts of me that cause me hopelessness and I am learning to deal with it. Not with grace as some know on these boards.
I will say that since letting go of this secret and facing the essence of my being, I have felt extremely liberated. However, it is societal stereotypes that are really f---ing with me.
The most insignificant thing seems so huge to me at times. My 5'oclock shadow has made me consider killing myself on numerous occasions. Tears like Ive never cried have flowed from my face in utter desperation just to be pretty, or even see myself as pretty. Going out and being called "bro" or "sir" has also made me want to give up on living entirely. Im fighting, people are promising me rewards at the end of this. I am told to believe them even if I cant. I am trying.
I dont think people realize the turmoil we deal with, and others believe this is self inflicted. I didnt choose to transition, I transitioned because I had no choice.
Every day is a challenge, most come with great rewards while others are filled with excrutiating pain. Ive found solace in beautiful music, literature, and cuddle time with my doggies and the love of my life. I am most likely not a typical example. Ive always been different: more emotional, more enthusiastic, more connected with the world around me to the point where people try to convince me to just live "my life"
I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but I will wake up, god willing, and I will fight, and I will love, and I will live. I hope you do as well, because through this journey we will find peace. Maybe not outside, but within. <3
What was meaningful to me at this point in my process?
What happened last month has made all this worthwhile. After living full time for years, getting on HRT etc etc, I had FFS done last month and for the first time in my life I REALLY feel happy. Like walking around with a smile everyday and wanting to just jump up and down happy. My GID is gone! There are still some small things I'm going to work on but I can't describe how GREAT I feel now. It really was worth everything it took to get here.
I can't even start to tell someone else what they need to do. I've known I am trans since I was 4 and kept trying to ignore it. It took me a good 10 years of -dealing- with my gender feelings, knowing I had to do something. If I knew 30 years ago how HAPPY I could be, I would have done all this MANY years ago.. Honestly if someone had told me 6 months ago some FFS is gonna change your life I would have thought they were crazy. 2 days post op I was thinking "WTF have I done!!" But when the bandages came off and I saw what I look like now I broke down and cried I was so happy :)))
But honestly you have to answer what you need to do for yourself and it's not an easy thing to answer or figure out. You really won't know how far you need to go until you have gone far enough. But trust me you WILL know when you have! Some people feel this just being able to express their gender from time to time, others don't feel this way until after GRS so there is no answer someone else can give you.
Hey Angela,
We're more or less in the same boat. I'm married, have a kid, and my life is pretty much as together as I'll ever have it. Only problem is that I've wanted to be a girl for as long as I can remember. I repressed the feelings for years, always thinking that success as a man would erase the desire to have boobs, wear skirts and be pretty to the world. Plus I figured that as a big 6' tall guy, it wasn't gonna happen anyway!
I found Susans a few years ago and it's been a huge resource for me, just learning what transition entails. I only posted for the first time 2 weeks ago. Since then I've started growing out hair and nails, and had an appointment with a therapist who specializes in gender issues. It's the first of many steps, and it's going to be a long bumpy road, but for once in my life, it just feels right.
I'm terrified of coming out to my family and work colleagues (most of my friends know an inkling of this, so it might not be so scary). But, slowly, it's all going to happen.
Good luck!
Jenn
Hi everyone,
Having gently perused some of the mass of material on this site (which I only stumbled upon today!), I found myself mostly identifying with this particular thread.
I feel for those of you having troubles, and wish those of you that are happy, continued happiness! ;o)
The trouble is; If you were to hear this from me in person now, you would hear it from me, 'A' the man.
As I type this, I sit here a 5'10'', short-haired, fairly trim guy with facial hair even.....(ugh)
I have a relationship with a girl, that has continued for 5 years so far, and I think there must be something there, for us to be together still.
I am 28, and have....well, stalled. I have had success in the past in the things that I have pursued, perhaps because of my need to focus on something, to put these feelings out of my head, my heart and my soul.
What my GF, and indeed NO-ONE knew until this post, was that I have been going through a recurring nightmare-cycle of craving to be female, and then because of one thing and another, going back to trying to reconcile myself as male.
I have been doing this since I was perhaps 4 or 5 years old....
I was caught once each by both my mother AND father, cross-dressing during my younger and pre-teen years. But because of the response and ridicule I was immediately met with, I managed to wrangle my way out of it, by assuring them both that these were just isolated occurrences.
The truth is; I don't think it has ever stopped. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am a ->-bleeped-<-. The clothes while feeling just, 'more natural' are only ever an allusion to what could/should have been for me.
But to those I know and love, I am the same me I always have been.....an Actor, or perhaps Actress. Playing the part that society dictates I should, based on my outward appearance.
I have had to keep so much of myself hidden away, and been so scared to confess, to anyone, and yet most people think of me as probably quite macho. I know this is as a result of subconciously wanting to be accepted as a guy to avoid the judgement, for if I could go back, and be born female, forsaking all things and life experiences in my present, I would do so in an instant.
I too, feel as though I can't go on, I have taken a few online tests, including the COGIATI(on which I scored 340), and it recommended that I seek help.
I have no idea what to do now. My GF will almost certainly break up with me when she finds out, and my father will almost certainly disown me.(He is Muslim) My mother I am not sure about, although she has always said that she will support me whatever I do. The fear still remains that she too will disown me. I think I could also kiss goodbye to a good 90-95% of ALL the people I know by coming out. My Facebook would be like a disused mining town...
The thing is, as time goes on, I care less and less about the ramifications of embracing my feelings. I feel SO bad towards my GF already, as she thinks I still want to get married, and I would if I was normal, and even perhaps if she would love the REAL me.
To top it all off, her father passed away last November, which she has continuing problems coping with, and my mum has a heart condition, which I'm scared may kill her if I say anything.
So....the two people who I feel I should really be able to confide in, almost feel ''off-limits'' to me. The GF will most likely feel totally betrayed and abandoned (I can't say I blame her either), and telling my mother could have potentially even more devastating consequences.
I feel literally like I am going crazy. I used to use cannabis to relax and deal with my many injuries from my past, although now, I just feel in a rut, using it to deny my own reality. My GF smokes too, and I find it seems to numb down problems between us, which is a sad thing to be having to do.
It was engaging in some this morning (2am almost here), that led me to whack on the Pink Floyd, and start typing a stupendously-long message in an online forum... ;)
I don't wish to advocate drug-use, but I know what the risks are, and have found the experience to be to my own liking, having met many truly wonderful people who also engage in it.
I come to you all, as a last resort. I don't even feel I can talk about this with my doctor (GP) right now.
Help me please, for I feel trapped, alone, and disparately desperate.
:'( :'( :'(
Regards and Apologies (for crashing the OP's thread) ;)
'A'
'A' my butt! Identity theft!
Hehe.
Ahem, I really think this should be a new thread. I have asked mods to separate it. Replying it is not really a good idea.
Anyway, for your problems...
The first thing you should do is find a therapist. No one needs to know at first. That person, even more so if you can find a gender-specialized therapist, will help you feel better and see the path before you more clearly and see about moving forward.
Know that not looking for help has close to 100% chances of leading you from bad to worse.
As for your loved ones, I'm pretty sure the proportion of people getting dumped and disowned by most people after coming out is lower than 10%. Of course, many wives leave their "husband" when they know, but a stunning number of them stay. Additionally, I'm quite sure the amount of parents disowning their children for that nowadays is quite small.
And of those in the most unlucky bunch, I am absolutely sure at least 90% would say it was worth it.
Transitioning is a difficult path... But so is fighting cancer. And in both cases, doing nothing is never a good option.
PS: Some trans people, with adjustments, manage to retain an acceptable happiness with their "original body" still, by the way... But those needed therapy to achieve that miracle.
Hi Angela,
Welcome home. WOW What can I say? As least as possible from this thread. It's all been said, particularly you Inna. I was bowled by that.
Well for my 2 bobs worth. Drop the doubt and guilt, and you'll have an amazing weight lifted off you for a start.
Be safe, well and happy. Let us know how you are coping and keep in touch
Lotsa luv
Catherine
Quote from: Angela78 on September 18, 2011, 08:36:52 AM
I've come to realize that I probably am a girl. With such a scary prospect I'm definitely filled with doubt, guilt, and a billion questions, but in my heart I think I know the answer.
I'm struggling to figure out what to do about it. Wife, kids, great job, social life, family.... It's very tempting to just think that I'll push these feelings away and deal with it.
So how did you figure it out? What was meaningful to you at this point in your process?
Thanks for your answers. This has definitely been the most painful period of self reflection I've ever experienced. Your thoughts mean a lot.
Angela, JaimeJo and Inna pretty much covered the practical and the reality of your "awakening" and what it involves. Its traumatic for some, a relief to others. It is tempting to push "it" away, but it will come back...how you deal with it will be your challenge. Please forgive the us of "it", no pun intended. Please don't push yourself away, you can and some of us (me included) have,
never goes away!
If you haven't "come out" to your family or friends yet, take Inna's advice and seek out a good therapist first with gender issue experience, there are even a couple in the US that do phone/Skype sessions. With the truth is a price, no one's fault, and yes it is painful, but you sound like you have the desire to embrace it. You can plan, no rule against that, and you don't have to throw on makeup, a dress and a wig (and 5" heels :laugh:) and publicly declare yourself...starts inside first.
Angela and Anathema I do not know you, but tonight I feel your pain.
You reach a crossroad in your life and you realise things cannot be the same anymore. You start to weigh things up and visualise your future if you carry on as you are now, and the unknown entity that is to transition. Deep inside you have a yearning and a knowing that you are indeed female but the journey through life so far has dealt you a cruel blow. Your path has involved forming relationships, having children, having financial and emotional dependence on loved ones and family. Yet still the knowing does not leave.
I have reached and moved beyond this crossroads. I have lived as a gay male for the past 18 years and I am sacrificing an 11 year loving relationship that provides important companionship with with laughter and dreams of a stable future. I have also accepted I will be losing extended family and financial security. All the time we were moving home, moving up the property ladder, gaining my degree, finding a job, planning exciting holidays, working on the house etc etc, I somehow kept my desire under control. I always yearned for a female body with curves and soft lines. I have always posed infront of the mirror trying to pose in a way to create a more feminine shape. I have applied face cream and eye cream like I was desperately trying to preserve the femininity of youth, but as i have got older it is no longer enough. Indeed enough is enough!
I hopefully will be starting HRT next week (18 years after my first experience with it) I am both excited and anxious. It is a bitter sweet occasion as my relationship is over. I have listened to my heart. Close your eyes and listen to yours.
Best wishes
Jenna
And "It" does keep on coming back. It hit me twice in my 20's. I tried part-time and basically guilted and scared myself out of it. It stayed dormant after meeting and eventually marrying a woman who is understanding, to a point. Only about once a month I needed to be the real me for the day. As life got more busy the frequency became less and less as the need to spend the precious little free time I had with my spouse took precedence.
Here I am now, in my 50's, at it once again after a series of personal disasters and lots of time to be introspective working 350 miles away from the one other thing that gives my life meaning. This time so much easier, a lot less guilt and a ton more of it just feels right. Just horrible timing! I know, there never is a good time.
I too am dealing with these issues. Married, kids etc.. I am realizing that the feeling will not be going away, no matter how hard i attempt to suppress them. I am learning to love myself more for who I am and if that is a transsexual, I will deal with it. I know that after 34 years, the feeling will not suddenly go away. Gender is always going to be an issue. Now the hard part is how everyone else will deal with this in my life.
I just dealt with 'it' too for many years and reached a point where I couldn't keep my gender issues to myself. I really thought I was going crazy but therapy helped me put it all into perspective. For me-forward towards a goal never backwards.
Only you can say if this time is when you must deal with 'it'.
Brandi