Hello all, Sorry for my long leave of absence but life gets in the way sometimes.
I was wondering something however and wanted to get others opinions on this. justa little back story on myself first.
I'm 37 now and am about to begin the journey most of you are on so I have my fears and concerns but that is neither here nor there. The reason it's taken me so long to start is because a lot of religion convictions and fears. so over the years I developed certain disciplines in order to not destroy my female side but at least create a harmony so I can continue on this plane of existence. But when life beat me down and I had no one to talk to it was like I could always dive down inside myself and find a confidant to listen to me rant and give me sound advice. So in a way it's felt like there were 2 people. It's hard to explain cause I'm still me no matter the side I feel is dominant.
Well a few years ago when I was in the army the BS got too much for me and it was like the male aspect of myself, didn't die but just gave up his fight for dominance and now it's only the feminine side that is pretty much left alone. He's still there but is so beaten and battered that he has no desire to ever emerge again. So my disciplines won't work anymore since there really isn't any masculine left to take the face of this shell.
Now with that being said I am wondering if I have, had, or was at the begining stages of MPS. So I thought I would ask peoples thoughts before I brought this up to my counciler. Thanks in advance for your two cents and have a wonderful day.
~Gadg
It doesn't sound too abnormal to me. When I'm feeling down sometimes I have my male and female self talk with each other. Often times they actually fight each other. There are other times where I'll be my male self talking out loud and having my female self answering in my head. There are times when she needs to lay down the facts to me. All in all they are both me, but I kind of "split" them sometimes when I want to get a better perspective of things. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, even if it's yourself.
If it's something that's hurting you, however, then there's a problem. If you are in pain because of it, you should definitely bring it up to your councilor. I personally don't think it's MPS based on my personal experiences, but I'm not exactly an expert on the subject.
Anyway, there's my two cents in exact change. And have a good day yourself :).
It doesn't sound like that. To be honest, it sounds similar to the sort of experiences many of us have had to deal with.
We need to spend so much effort and time, pretending to be something we aren't, eventually, we just say, enough is enough.
besides in a multiple personality disorder the other sides are not aware of each other the change is sudden and one personality is not aware of the others which you clearly are. if you were catholic they might dub it a possession lol
jessi
Hi Gadg,
Sounds pretty regular to me. My opinion on this is, that once an individual recognises, validates and affirms an alternative gender to what they present as; its a natural progression to determine this new persona's wants, needs and desire. And the only way this can be done effectively is to talk to it, name it and treat it as a legitimate entity. To refuse to acknowledge this situation is tantamount to pure denial. Which can be a very ugly and destructive place to live.
Brain gender is by far a more powerful and dominant factor in a persons development, more so that what is communicated to an individual or community by the way one physically presents. In fact what we physically see, is often in direct opposition to what we feel. Dysphoria, if you want to use a term, is something pilots often experience. Particularly at night, their vision can be telling them something about their positional attitude in the air which may be in direct opposition to what their instrumentation is saying.
So Gadg, keep up the good work you are doing, and you will soon, if not already, discover a very beautiful and invigorating person behind this male facade. Embrace it, celebrate it. It's - YOU -.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine
Thanks for the votes glad to know I'm not totally crazy. *despite what some might say*
The thing is that the more I try and communicate with him nowadays the weaker he seems and in which I'm worried I might lose him completely. I don't think he'll every truly be gone but well just keep getting weaker and weaker until he's just more and after thought than an actual concience. So in a sense I would be losing a part of myself.
I don't mind taking the reigns so to speak despite the bigotry, hatred, and racism that is out there, I know I just worry if I'll ever truly look the part. This shell has been male for almost 40 years and, as I understand it, is the worse possible time to decide to make this kinda change. I just know why I feel like me and him have both been short changed. Oh well, a thought for another time. Right now we're moving to a new state to start our lives out anew. I just hope the fresh air will do him some good. :)
Hi Gadg,
Glad you are coming to terms with new era of your journey. If you are considering total transition, as a part of the complete journey, I personally feel it is necessary to experience the total demise (death) of this masculine facade/identity. Even to the extent of going through the grieving process (discussed in a post-op thread) to fully purge the unrelated individual. This obviously allows for the full investiture of the woman you were born to be. So I wouldn't be too concerned at the moment by this slipping away of your male character. It's part of the process. What is actually changing here is a more feminisation of the brain, which is opening up to new thoughts and processes as the hormones 'shift the balance.' Nothing to be worried about.
Forty is not the worst possible time to make this change, however the later you leave it, I can promise you the worse it will be. And as for 'looking the part'; that starts from within and moves outward. The more the woman inside, the greater the woman outside. Just look around this forum here at some of the most amazing examples of womanhood, Melody, Annah, Debra, Cindy; just to name a few. Every butterfly can tell you a story about being a grub. Embrace the woman you are. Enjoy and celebrate it.
Yes I hope you enjoy the fresh air from your new surroundings. I certainly hope it brings a new beginning and revelation to your perspective and growth. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine
"What is actually changing here is a more feminisation of the brain, which is opening up to new thoughts and processes as the hormones 'shift the balance.' Nothing to be worried about."
Thanks again for the encouragement. But I may be misunderstanding your quote but this is happened before I've started hormones. I'm not even sure when I'll be able to start. With us moving the VA has to reassign me a new councilor and doctor before I begin something like that. *Hopefully that won't take too long.*
The "death" of my other side isn't from any medication or something like that. It's mostly from the hardships we experienced in the military. the disciplines we had in place to keep the balance just vanished or became water and the balance we had just when haywire and it was just too much for him and I think he's just sitting in the back of the cave licking his wounds and I'm just waiting for dawn to come to see if he makes it or not. SO it just leaves me all alone on the bridge. *Mental image of Cpt. Janeway*
Will the hormones finish him off? I can't say. to be honest I would feel like "I" killed him. It's hard to say who was here first. me and he developed from the pressure of having to be a little boy? or him. But I accepted this shell as his along time ago and now it's become mine which is why I have to do this. I hope this makes sense.
Before I "discovered" I was a transsexual, my theory was that I had a male and a female soul, and I was very competent at making myself believe this and even had conversations between the two. When I understood, the male side vanished magically. My theory is that it's just some kind of excuse we find for ourselves because we think that being a transsexual is not acceptable for us, for a reason or another.
The other side was but a consolation you, like I, had fabricated to console yourself, I think. Just like imaginary friends in children.
It's called "Dissociative Identity Disorder" (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder) and what happens is you can randomly switch to a completely different personality half way through a sentence. It shifts erratically, not over months or years. That is just your one personality evolving and changing. People with DID can wake up and have no idea where they are because the other personality took them there. I really do not think you have it.
Hi ~Gadg,
"Thanks again for the encouragement. But I may be misunderstanding your quote but this is happened before I've started hormones"
No you haven't misunderstood the quote. What can happen under stressful situations, particularly military mind bending scenarios, is that stress can change the hormonal balance sufficiently for elevated estrogen levels to commence this feminine brain gender process. Medication may also do the same. Low 'T' levels can produce similar effects.
Whether or not HRT will kill 'him' off, is largely dependent on your own convictions of 'him'. In transitioning completely some people have gone through a ritualised process of 'his' death, so haven't even sensed 'him', and others are quite happy for 'him' to stay in the background. It's all up to the individual on how they feel most comfortable with the matter. You are making a great deal of sense. Everyones journey is most unique, with a lot of similarities. And whoever you speak to should respect your thoughts and perspective, because it's - YOU. Keep up the good work.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine
Bigender/multiple system chiming in-
In and of itself a dissociative identity does not have to be a "disorder." By the definition of DSM-IV, so long as the condition does not threaten a person's health or have a negative impact on their ability to function in society, it's just another way of living life; a "healthy multiplicity."
The big red flag for Dissociative Identity is time loss and memory lapse. It is a coping mechanism typically developed as the result of early childhood trauma. Although Dissociative Identity is fairly rare, there is a growing belief that the condition has historically been misdiagnosed as schizophrenia and bipolar. It is most often experienced by FAAB's and it is common to have both male and female identities.
A rose by any other name, "Multiple Personality" was replaced by "Dissociative Identity" in the United States with the release of DSM-IV. It was a semantics change to explain the condition within the premise that a person can only have "one" personality. "Multiple Personality" is still the accepted terminology in the rest of the world and in the ICD-10.
The DSM IV and ICD-10 descriptions of the condition are essentially the same:
A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).
B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.
C. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
D. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures). Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=57# (http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=57#)
It took a full psychological profile; three years of self discovery; 2 ½ years of therapy with a GT, a psychologist specializing in gender and another in couples counseling; and 2 years on a full transition level HRT to control my gender dysphoria to come to the professional diagnosis that my male and female self are separate identities. After being clinically diagnosed as transsexual, then as an androgyne, dysphoric about my maleness to the point indicating MTF SRS and dysphoric about my femaleness to the point indicating FTM SRS, "Bigender" was closest transgender box for me. But ever since I began to explore my gender, it has been vitally important for me to present as both of my genders AND that I am accepted as cisgender regardless of whether I am presenting as a girl or a guy.
My psychologist encouraged me for over a year to limit my compartmentalization, accept that my male and female self are personas of a solitary self, but my dysphoria about both of my genders will not let me do that. When I began to experience time loss and memory lapse, it finally became clear to both of us that male and female self are dissociative identities.
Am I bigender because I am a dissociative identity or a disssociative identity because I am bigender? I'm not sure if what we actually are is as important as expressing what we want others to perceive us to be. Whatever we chose to call ourself has its own unique stigma; to us and the world we live in. The key is finding the one that "fits." I can accept that my male and female self are a psychological coping mechanism better than the idea that I am trans-anything. It's not about being right; it's about what gets us through the day.
Quote from: A on October 07, 2011, 12:53:32 PM
Before I "discovered" I was a transsexual, my theory was that I had a male and a female soul, and I was very competent at making myself believe this and even had conversations between the two. When I understood, the male side vanished magically. My theory is that it's just some kind of excuse we find for ourselves because we think that being a transsexual is not acceptable for us, for a reason or another.
I was actually terrified I might have MPD but was VERY relieved to just be trans :P
MPD is VERY rare disorder and like others said, people who have it usually aren't aware of the other "person". They have black outs and missing time as part of it.
The current term for MPD is DID--Dissociative Identity Disorder. Normally it's found in people who were severely traumatized as children (sex abuse, emotional abuse, etc) and in people exposed to wartime combat (especially long duration, heavy casualties, etc).
imho, everyone has a "male" and "female" part...you were lucky enough to be aware of both parts in communication. :) I wouldn't think, based on what you've said, that you have DID...but your male side is badly hurt. As long as "he" stays inside, and "she" is outside, you're GTG...***BUT*** if he heals in the future, and wants to come out and play...he could be in for a rough ride if his favorite male "limb" is missing.
See a therapist about this, they'll help you determine for sure if you have DID (and you might, even though I'm a multiple, I can't diagnose anything--not even a pot of boiling water) or if there's a danger to "him" during/after transition.
Dissociated Identities are often not aware of each other until the system becomes healthy, learning to live together through a combination of cooperation, communication and compromise. Personality is a spectrum much like gender ranging from expression of a solitary self as distinct personas (ie cross dresser) to fully independent identities. In between there are shades of gray as to the shared traits & memories of the identities in the system.
Quote from: Stephe on February 04, 2012, 09:10:48 PM
I was actually terrified I might have MPD but was VERY relieved to just be trans :P
And the
exact opposite was true for me! I was terrified when I was diagnosed as transsexual, barely better that I was androgyne, uncomfortable that I was bigender. Finding out that my male and female self are dissociative identities has been a HUGE relief. It explains so much and has been much easier for both me and my wife to accept. I still consider myself to be bigender, but this new understanding of self has given me a sense of peace after a lifetime of living with the scars of the childhood trauma that ripped me in two.
As I said in my post above, it's about what gets us through the day.
This is an interesting post and surprisingly i have been thinking about this kind of stuff as well recently.
MPD is actually DID: Dissociative Identity Disorder. Above all else, this disorder is a coping mechanism. The disorder is sensationalized through the media when you watch things like Sybil or U.S. OF Tara (sp.) But the disorder itself I think can be more sensible to everyday folks.
If you asked me this acouple years ago I would have laughed. DID is a coping mechanism caused by severe, severe, severe childhood trauma. I studied it in junior college and wrote many papers on the disorder.
But lately i have been theorizing that it could manifest in many other ways/degrees just because it is a coping mechanism. Especially since i have been paying attention to recent claims of people with DID. Some times I don't realize it but i feel like i have many personalities inside of me that I use as a defense mechanism and it's extremely unconscious to the point where time does in a way, slip by and i don't really hear or understand what is going on. My true self emerges again when I am alone usually and can breathe. (i'm guessing but sometimes when i'm alone I still can be in this mode) This is an issue that happens from social anxiety, or stressful situations. (also guessing, i don't think the situation has to be stressful) It happened alot more when i lived alone and would get trapped in my thoughts and then suddenly, a personality would click on and I would go do things I wouldn't normally do. I think it had alot todo with being criticized harshly as a kid, psychological, and self-hate trauma.
I could explain further about myself, but i don't want to lose my point which is... I definitely believe DID can work itself into everyday people's lives in certain degrees when it comes to dissociating in general, and we can call it DID if you add trauma to that and your dissociation is influenced by that trauma. So sure you may have it and i would not be surprised if it's common among trans people.
I think being transgender in general can be very traumatic on our psyche as children to the point where we probably would split into personalities to survive, and cope.
Everyone has different 'personalities' to deal with specific situations. Calling that DID would mean almost everyone on the planet has it.
We all express ourselves as different personas of a solitary self to different people in different situations but quoting myself from above:
Quote from: Virginia on February 04, 2012, 08:51:42 PM
The big red flag for Dissociative Identity is time loss and memory lapse. It is a coping mechanism typically developed as the result of early childhood trauma.
My development went of the track very early on... when I got XXY chromosomes?
XXY caused in my case oa that I got "boy" parts, but it also gave me low-T so I wasn't really into being a boy, didn't have the energy or the strength, it made me very tall, and it also gave me autism which made and makes life particularly stressful, and I think it also caused my female gender.
At school, when I was 5 or 6 something that shouldn't have happened, did happen. I still can't remember the event? I just know that every time I try to remember I end up in sheer panic and pain, so I don't.
So in early childhood I developed DID. My experience with DID is nothing like what they show in the movies? In my case there was no personality, no "I", not integration. All the sub-systems kept changing configuration depending on the situation. I frequently made the remark that my mind was doing something but hadn't told me yet? Not one person picked up that this was weird? I never could remember things that happened more then ~7 years ago? And looking back I often had days where I could not remember what I did yesterday.
Only after I was diagnosed (as an adult) with autism, after I got help so that the constant stress was reduced, only after I received Ritalin was I able to integrate alle the sub-systems and finally develop an actual consistant and persistant personality... which just happens be be female? *sigh* Well, at least I don't have DID anymore ::)
That's where the word "dissociative" comes in...the person dissociates (disconnects) with the body, and an alter comes in to take control temporarily. During these periods, the person does not remember things.
*triggering* (highlight to read)
For example, a small child is being molested. He doesn't like what's going on, but can endure it at first. But when his trust (his "protection") is betrayed by his parents, cops, etc. the child must black out in order to not remember. (This is especially true if the molester is a trusted person--a priest, a parent, a teacher etc).
Unfortunately, most molesters want the child to experience the event, so they beat him up to bring him back...the defense against this is the creation of an "alter", a version of the original who will be present during the abuse/beatings so that the original is not harmed anymore. Often the alter thus created will eagerly want the abuse... :'(
Over time, this becomes an almost automatic coping mechanism, and alters are created at the first sign of trauma. As was said before, the alters *must not* know about each other, or about the Original person, because if they did, they may reveal that to an abuser...and the beatings would resume to force the little one out. As the "internal system" becomes healthy (and especially once trust is regained), the "system" becomes aware of the alters, and/or their effects (anxiety, depression, anger, etc) The awareness of these alters can be overwhelming...therapy helps. I doubt that anyone can self-help themselves out of DID.
For obvious reasons (imho) trans people are probably very prone to have some form of DID, either mild or severe.
ETA: Also, sometimes there is no "original" person left. Sometimes there is. Sometimes the "original" is so buried that it takes years of therapy to determine where it is. Ideally, one would want to integrate all/most of the pieces, but since the alters are fully-functioning "humans" (usually...) they may or may not want to be integrated...in which case, cooperation among them is the goal.
I can't remember the event either; it brings me to uncontrollable tears just thinking I might remember. And what would my life be like if I did? Could never bring the offender to justice for it? Had to live with the knowledge of what my Dad or Mom did to me? So often we talk of coping as a bad thing, something for the weak or mentally ill.
But it is the mind's way of surviving.Quote from: Beth Andrea on February 06, 2012, 06:52:33 AM
Ideally, one would want to integrate all/most of the pieces, but since the alters are fully-functioning "humans" (usually...) they may or may not want to be integrated...in which case, cooperation among them is the goal.
Healthy Multiplicity. This seems to be the happy place I have been able to get to with therapy, HRT, and giving my female self a day or two each week to live her life out and about in the world and my male self the rest. It is a badly needed break for him and she isn't strong enough to handle much more. My male and female self do not want to integrate. Each of them wants their own life and neither would give up the lifelong bond to be alone. Like any relationship, it comes down to cooperation, communication and compromise.