I need some advice on coming out to my wife. I have two young kids and I have been married since 2000. I am unsure how to approach this. Does anyone have experience with this and advice?
I may not be the best person to answer since I have no kids and my wife was unusually accepting from the get-go, but here is my input...
First, you might want to ask a therapist/counselor for advice. They deal with big secrets being revealed between spouse a lot, and can at least suggest some ideas that often work and things that often bomb in a big way. I'd definitely have a therapist's number on hand in case things really do go badly.
Don't come out to your spouse and the kids at the same time. Once your spouse knows, you can decide together on how, when, and if you should tell the kids. If your kids are out of the house at the time (with a sitter, friends, etc), even better.
Don't do it on or near any holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Don't tell her right before work or before going out somewhere. Wait until your spouse is in a good mood; telling her when she is tired or felling grumpy is a sure recipe for disaster.
Even if she is supportive and accepting eventually, she may react poorly at first. Some spouses meet such a revelation with a hug and gentle words of support, but often the immediate reaction is a mix of shock, anger, and grief. Remember, you are basically turning her understand of you on its head; it will be a shock that takes a while to digest. Don't try to force understanding on her right away. You may get barraged with questions and/or accusations; don't take them personally, just respond honestly. Above all, avoid accusative language even if she is pushing every one of your buttons; it will only make things worse. Depending on her reaction, you may want to suggest seeing the therapist together for at least a couple session.
When you tell her, don't be "dressed out". She shouldn't see you in your "preferred mode" until after you've had a chance to explain it to her. If she asks to see you that way, fine...but don't surprise her with it.
No ultimatums, no matter how unfair you might think she is being about something. There will be things you need to stand firm on regarding your future rights, responsibilities, and behavior, but this is not the time to "put your foot down" on stuff. Disputed points are best negotiated in the presence of a qualified therapist.
All in all, hope for the very best and be prepared for the very worst.
Anyone else here have some wisdom to offer???
Thanks for the advice. I need to address this in counseling more. I am just nervous and wanted to know how other girls dealt with this issue.
Great job Dana!
About the only thing I might add is her reaction may be one one of complete shock, total denial and shutting down. Do not take passivity as a sign of acceptance. I guess basically after breaking the news, just leave it at that. Give PLENTY of time for it all to sink in, to think of questions, maybe even for you bring it up again a few days later to ask how she feels and if she wants to talk about it a little more because there must be a ton of questions. Just don't sound pushy at all. The last thing you want her to think is that in a week or two the entire neighborhood will see you presenting.
Be well prepared for the $64,000 questions. If you aren't sure yourself what the answers are be honest about that. It is tempting to start wanting to tell her what you think she wants to hear now, but if the answer is I don't really know where this is going to go or can go, just tell her. It may be years, even decades before you are sure of anything.
Thanks Joanne. I have a lot to think about. I think timing is a big thing. I would like to wait till the first of the year. Holidays and birthdays are coming up.
Lots of good advise here. :)
I just broke the news to my wife yesterday night, so it's going on 24 hours now and she is still upset. I still love my wife and I believe she loves me, but like others have posted I think she needs time to figure it all out; I've had my whole life and she's had 24 hours...
I definitely think it's is best to wait until the wife and you are both ready to tell the kids together.
I wish you the best.