I was wondering if anyone has regretted coming out to someone because they ended up being over-the-top supportive.
I have a friend whom I have known for 15 years. We pretty much grew up together, and she does mean a lot to me. She is a very dedicated advocate for LGBT rights, and as much as I appreciate her supportive stance on these issues, she can get down right obnoxious about it sometimes. It seems to come up every time I see her, and after I came out to her as bi, it was pretty much all she wanted to talk about for quite some time.
I have been debating about speaking to her about my transition, as I cannot imagine her being anything but supportive. However, I would really like for it to be a non-issue, and I have fears that she may try to make it into an issue through good intentions. She is also friends with my brother and often sees my parents. I would imagine that she would not out me to them if I asked her to be careful, but that is a possible problem.
Has anyone else had similar concerns? I get the feeling that she would happily switch names and pronouns, which I could really use right now. I just worry that it might snowball into something I don't want to deal with.
(I'm sorry if this sounds whiny or mean. She is a very good friend, which is why I want to be careful how and when I approach the subject.)
My situation is the polar opposite of yours - my friends and wife's family are so accepting of who I am that they treat me like any other male friend/family member. Wouldn't be considered a problem except that no one even peeps a word about what I'm going through or even transsexualism period. Maybe what's happening in both our cases is that they are doing what they think we want them to be doing. I'm not complaining either, but it would be nice to have people to talk to about my situation and seem interested in me. In yours, it sounds like your friend will be supportive no matter what, but if she is going over the top maybe you could mention fleetingly that you find militant activism unimpressive and maybe cite an example of it. Perhaps she'll get the hint?
I think if you just make it clear that you don't want it to be a big deal and the focus of your existence she should get the hint. My girlfriend is a fierce advocate for a lot of things including trans rights, I made it known fairly early on that I'm not interested in being a political missile and she's always been ok about it.
I have no advice Lee, I just wanted to say I know what you're going through. One of my friends is like this. It really bothers me. And I have always said that I don't want to be treated as "the trans friend" but just another ordinary guy, but it hasn't helped.
Yeah I have a friend like that too. It is kind of frustrating because she mentions it all the time then talks about how 'diverse' she is. I don't like being someone's token trans friend. I also find that she says my full first name even though the only people who do are people from work. In other words all my close friends and family say Jay, she even finds a way to insert it 8434802 times in a sentence which makes me feel like she maybe she doesn't want to use pronouns? but goes on how 'great' it is what I am doing.
It feels weird but I would rather have someone not accept me than have someone over accept me. Because either way I don't want anyone to 'accept' me for who I am I don't need some sort of approval. I don't 'accept' my friends, they just are my friends.
Thanks for the replies guys. I think I'm going to hang off talking to her for a bit. She is insanely busy lately, so we're not hanging out much anyways. Also, she has gotten a bit handsy lately with me presenting myself as more male. Maybe it's best she doesn't know I'm a guy. (She's mostly straight and has a boyfriend.) ::)
I have a friend (an ex actually) who was the second person I told and since then she's been amazing. She's the shoulder to cry on whenever I need it; she's been fantastically reliable for that. She's also a fashionista so she's great for advice there.
However, in her supportiveness, she has a hard time being honest about when I look stupid. :-P One day I had to tell her, "Please put the supportive, amazing, identity affirming friendship aside a moment and really look at me. Can you at least admit to seeing what I see? A guy?" Only then did she finally pause and say yeah, she could see it. What I really need some days is a friend who can say, "No, you're not crazy and it's not self esteem. You actually don't pass."