Rant. Also seeking advice.
My dysphoria has gotten worse since on T, although I think that happens for most of us when dealing with our chest. We start T and suddenly we move on to the next target.
I have tried dealing with the dysphoria. I'm just getting to the point where I don't even want to take of my clothes before getting in the shower now, and in fact a few times I've sat there with the water raining down on me fully clothed because I just couldn't manage it. I've got probably 30% of the money saved up. I don't have a job because I'm trying to finish school, finding a job is close to impossible right now, and I'm having a hysterectomy probably before February, which will need an additional 6-8 weeks of rest.
I'm trying to figure out what my options are for getting the surgery, despite my lack of money. I don't think I can wait another year or two until I have it. Like even when home alone and when not binding because I can't do it 24/7, I have to hold a pillow across my chest in order to feel comfortable. I try to wear a binder as little as possible because they are uncomfortable, so I just end up having my arms held across my chest. I don't go out anymore. I pushed my only friend away because I started getting so uncomfortable with myself and going out and others seeing me, even just her. When I talk about dysphoria to people who don't have it, they don't get it. They just say, take off the binder if it hurts, or don't do it if it bothers you, or literally "who cares?" and it frustrates me. I can't leave the house anymore, I mean I only go out for doctors appointments. I'm trying to get back into school - but most of the work will be done at home (independent learning program). I can't find a therapist, despite my efforts for the past years to find one. I've been through I think 7 now.
So I could get a loan - but because I have no credit I would have to have a co-signer, meaning, my mom. I could ask my mom for the money - to cover the 70% but there are some issues with that one. You see my parents may have bought my sister THREE cars - not freaking joking, she's had trips to Montreal and such, and they've taken care of her debt, twice... but because of her mistakes and refusal to pay anyone back, the mistrust is directed onto me. And my mom uses this all the time against me. I tell her I'm not her, but it doesn't matter. I used to have money for an education saved up but when I was 6, my mom dipped into that account and my own personal bank account from birthdays I had saved up - because my dad's company went bankrupt. There was even money there for me before I was born but because my dads boss committed suicide they had to take that money away too.
Another option I had was writing a check for more than I have and putting my bank account in debt, but I am worried because of insufficient funds it may just reject it all together, rather than going into debt and working that out afterwards. I want to get this done before this summer, I can't go through another hot season wearing that binder and it's hard enough as it is now in the winter. I want to go swimming again. I want to take my shirt off just like I used to when I was a kid and parade around with such pride. My self esteem is deteriorating. I mean I'm really happy I'm getting my first operation, but the second one, the top surgery completes it all. I will be able to change my sex, and I won't feel like ->-bleeped-<- all the time!
The trans community is such a creative bunch of people, and I was wondering if anyone else knew of ways to get the money. I don't care about debt, loans, or any of that crap. I've always been so responsible. I've never spent more than I've had. I've saved money when I wanted things, but I just can't wait this time. It's been three years and because of stupidity and not saving sooner because I was unsure about wanting any surgery at all when first transitioning, I spent it. I thought about selling all my stuff, I don't even care. Unfortunately I don't have much stuff to sell anymore. I'm trying to go over all my options. If I was comfortable with my body, I'd even do sex work, lol - nothing wrong with that profession in my eyes.
Sorry for how long this is, I just need to get it out there. I find it so hard to talk to my mom about these things and she never truly understands or takes me seriously with my dysphoria because I'm not depressed so it doesn't seem serious enough. Also I'm not depressed, I'm just really uncomfortable. I'm happy a lot of the time, I like myself, I just hate my body and I hate what it's doing to me. Testosterone is amazing and I'm so happy I'm on T, but it's been over a year now and I can't wait for the dysphoria to get any worse - because despite being happy about so many things, this one is a big thing that could throw me over the edge. I don't know how many times I thought I'd end it all, I haven't attempted anything, but if I know I have to wait one or two more years for this, I can't say that I won't.
So guys... what should/can I do? And I know our first reaction is to say, hang in there or you're not alone and all that, but I'm fully aware of it. And again, not depressed - HAPPY, it's just this stands in the way of the potential happiness I could achieve and the way I view my body. I've tried to 'love' myself. Of course I'm scared getting top surgery could make me aware I have more lower dysphoria than I deal with - which is very little since the changes of T, but honestly I'll deal with that if/when it happens. I was aware chest dysphoria may increase once on T, I heard it and I knew it would only get worse for me because as a kid *until I was twelve years old, I spent most of my life topless and pretty damn comfortable with what lied above the waist. My mom had trouble getting me to even put on clothes. It makes me think because of that, and running around completely nude at times, that my lower dysphoria may not even get worse. I got some penis envy sure, but again T causes growth, pumps are fun even for temporary satisfaction, and I don't think I'd ever have bottom surgery because I don't want to take away the possibility to orgasm, that's the best part of the day, lol.
I'm going to try everything to get as fit as possible in the mean time to make them smaller - hopefully reduce some fat tissue which T has done - somewhat, and make surgery results more appealing and a better chance at recovery.
Sorry, I know this is long. But I'm done with trying to wait patiently for the next two years. Not to mention the fact that I've picked Dr. Garramone as my surgeon - and him becoming more and more popular, makes more of a demand on me to get this booked. I'm not sure if I should wait until AFTER this operation to talk to my mom or before it to ask her if she'd help pay for top surgery. I can offer to pay her back but my mom again, never believes me. I've always paid my parents back for things I've wrecked. When I was 14 I took all the money from my birthday which was two weeks before my moms and gave it her for her birthday. I've always cared about others more than myself. I spent over a thousand dollars in two years (before we stopped being friends) on my friend, not because I wanted her to like me or because I felt I owed it to her, but because I've always liked to treat people, because I'm the generous type who'd take food off my own plate if someone beside me stated they were hungry. I'm the type of person who had twenty dollars in my wallet and when a guy on the street begged for change I felt it was his more than it was mine. But right now, I'm at the point in my life where I can no longer be generous because I value my life enough to not want to die from suicide because my chest dysphoria pushes me over the edge one day. Which bothers me so much because I feel selfish and cold for it. Once I have surgery I can go back to doing what I love to do, giving money to those who need it more. I used to have this problem where as a kid I'd buy a pack of skittles and I couldn't eat them until I offered my sister them first, and let her pick as much and whatever colors she wanted, despite my own preferences. Not doing this is like torture for who I am as a person.
Okay so now I'm just rambling...
IDEAS?
Quote from: Kvall on October 27, 2011, 11:34:58 AM
You said you're in school. Have you maxed out your student loans?
$210 in loans per week of study, so I'd have to enroll as a mature student for the new semester, than pay certain amount of money for the course, and save the rest... all in all, it'd still take over six months - and since I might still be off when the new semester starts from surgery, I might have to wait for the new one. So I'm pretty sure it doesn't work. I'll research it more, so thanks for the idea. And I'm finishing high school- if I erased the last message to early to read. So right now, not getting any loan.
I'm finishing grade 10, I let bullying ruin my education, finally decided it's not to late to get it back.
My dad is, and we haven't talked in 11 months. My mom is accepting and hasn't stood in the way of me getting on T, and she's still paying 20% of my T as well, but she does not like the idea of me getting surgery. I'm having a hysterectomy - date is still being set up, and she's okay with it because I have endometriosis and knows that I need it because the meds I'm on could do damage to my liver and I can't remain on them long term. Chest surgery, I don't know.
I just asked her yesterday if she could lend me the cash for a new binder, she agreed but 30 dollars is nothing compared to a few thousand and a potential killing of her youngest child - which is what she thinks of operations as. I just am not sure if I should ask her now, or wait until after I've had my first operation to let her see that things went all right and what not, and that it's not so scary, but I'm afraid if there is a complication it could throw her off and make her never want to have me go through that or potential death again.
My mom's co-signed on an apartment for my sister before... so it's possible she would but I think the chances are closer to zero for me than for my sister. The way she acts with my transition, I can tell she's hoping for it to be a phase. But who knows, maybe once I can't physically make babies anymore, that will make her okay with chopping off these chest tumors - because that's all they are to me, and their only purpose is to attract sexual partners - I don't date straight men or lesbians, and for milk production for babies, which I soon will NEVER be able to have, at least not with my body. I'll adopt if I ever want a gremlin running round my home.
But that's why I could get a surgery loan - and my mom has good credit if she'd cosign I'd be a freakin shoe-in for the money.
I really have no advice. I just want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel.
It's worth asking. I think you're best option at the moment is a co-signer. Do you have any other family or friends that may co-sign for you?