I was walking in the rain because I had to walk my dog and it just randomly started pouring. When I got inside the house I changed clothes and took my bra off because I was drenched. Anyway, I left the bra off. But the feelings of my breasts there. Feeling them against my skin. I don't know. I just started crying. I'm still sort of crying. It was like a feeling of something crawling under my skin (I'm sorry but it's the only way I could describe it.) Like I couldn't breathe quite right. And I needed to put a bra on. I know it's not a binder but still. It's the best I have. I hate my breasts right now so much. This has happened before but not this bad. I don't understand this.
*EDIT* (Sorry but I just thought of this. My crying has stopped now but I still find it hard to breathe right. I just feel sad and angry too)
I got so angry fot that one second. Like I felt like I just couldn't do anything and I got so mad. I punched the wall. I hate feeling this angry. I hate this feeling in general.
awh :c
I'm MTF but i still know what it's like to hate a certain part of your body.
-hugs-
:*
if you ever need to vent and need to unload on a living person in real time, please PM me. You can vent on the phone with me.
Sometimes venting helps!
I am glad you are feeling a little bit better
yes i feel things like this all the time. i have had hours when all i do is cry and feel hopeless, frustration, resentment, jealousy.
I wonder if this feeling will ever go away. I'm hoping it does once I get the top surgery. Problem is, I haven't even started T. And top surgery is going to be super expensive.
Hopefully things will get easier for all of us.
I'm sure pretty much everyone here has felt overwhelming dysphoria.
I never been a cryer. When it's really getting to me I will just feel really depressed, angry, and hopelessness. It will literally feel like there is a weight on my chest making it hard to breath. Eventually it passes.
Yes, that's how it felt. Like a weight against my chest. This really sucks. I just want things to be better.
Yeah, even though the vast majority of the time I'm really lucky in that I pass all the time and don't really have to think about it too much, there are just some times where I feel completely overwhelmed and like I don't even want to get out of bed to face the world because I can't overcome how heavy the weight of my situation, my life, feels.
I was never much of a cryer, but the testosterone has really solidified an inability to cry, even when it would be really valuable for my mental state. Now I just get frustrated, angry, etc.. So I force myself to do enjoyable things to assuage the dysphoria/frustration I feel.
As Annah stated--venting helps. It's never good to keep those emotions bottled up. It's overwhelming and really sucks, but do your best not to let yourself sit with that feeling for too long.
Yes. We all get those moments of horrible focus. My breasts sometimes feel like interlopers attached to my body, an invasion of my space and self.
I feel like this all the time. After I started to activly talk about wanting to change, wanting to take T, wanting the surgery... it hit me. "<not allowed>. I have to wait, I have to wait at least a whole year because my sister is getting married and I have to wear a dress and pretend for one last time to be the prefect little sister." I got so pissed off, at myself for not wanting to ruin her big day, at her for making me wear something, look like something, be something, that I'm not just so her day isn't ruined. I wanted to scream, but all I did was sit there and cry, clutching my chest, so pissed at the world for making me something I should have never been in the first place.
I'm a cryer... always have been, and I'm pretty sure I always will be. It's frustrating to be ready to take those last steps, and to be held back by something that you can't change because you're trying so hard to be the good person, to be liked, to be... whatever. I try to look at it as... I have another year to earn as much money as I can so I don't have to borrow money and go into debt to pay off my medical bills when I have my surgery. I also look at the fact that, I WILL start taking T around the time of my sister's wedding. T in October of 2012, surgery the next summer. I have it planned, even though I know life doesn't go as planned...
I was told today, by someone who sees being trans, sees being gay... as a choice... that he didn't think I would do it. That I just had a chemical imballance in my brain that made me feel this way, that I didn't go to church enough (And then he proceeded to shove his version of the bible down my throat)... but... he sort of depressed me. I may not know this guy in 2 years, but after my short bout of depression, I was ready to stand up to him... to say, "You know, you're right, it is an imballance, I don't have enough testerone in my sytem to be who I truly am. And if you think I won't have the surgeries, then you really don't know me that well at all." (I didn't say it... because he started ignoring me after I didn't take very kindly to the bible talk... but I felt better just thinking it)
And anyway, I've turned this into a rant about myself. I swear I need to get my own blog or something o.0 The point was... yeah, I feel like I have these... things... hanging off of my chest all the time. I don't have a binder yet (one more week and I can order one though), but I do only wear sports bras, which help (not a lot... cause my are massive) but they do help some. And well... anyway... yeah, I hate my body, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, and I most certiantly hate that part of me the most. Just... yeah, it's depressing as <not allowed>. -.-
In a MtF kind of way, yes actually.
Yeah... I had a similar thing happen suddenly about my hands. I was at some battle of the bands thing, really small event, noticed how all the guys on stage had big hands and were guys - this was not an unusually setting for me, but suddenly got really dysphoric about it. The next day I just felt so disconnected from myself and my tiny tiny hands. I was just staring at them thinking about how everything I do, I'm not doing, this body is, and this body isn't me. I had a big crazy cry about it and couldn't shower till the next day because I didn't think I could have handled seeing myself.
don't worry, your not alone out there
i know I've felt that way before
but as the others said venting is a good method to let that stress out
going to therapy, or even as simple as talking to a family member or a friend
heck you can vent all you want to us
but its important that your happy and that you feel good about yourself no matter what it takes :)
Quote from: emostache69 on October 31, 2011, 02:43:02 PM
don't worry, your not alone out there
i know I've felt that way before
but as the others said venting is a good method to let that stress out
going to therapy, or even as simple as talking to a family member or a friend
heck you can vent all you want to us
but its important that your happy and that you feel good about yourself no matter what it takes :)
Thank you :)
Wow, I feel exactly the same, the other night I just sat and cried about having these, I also felt the weight thing, like something attaching itself to my body and weighing down and making it hard to breathe, I can still kinda feel that right now. Although to be honest i'm more worried about my hips and butt
ಠ_ಠ I bloody ended up taking after my mother's side of the family (uber-short-and-have-giant-pear-shape-hips) ಠ_ಠ
But I do my best to not think about it or i'll flood the country with my tears. You're not alone.
Things will get better, for all of us, maybe not now but eventuarlly.
~probably.bad.advice.sorry.lol~ Think of it this way, you know how when you look back on your life it seems only yesterday you were like five years old? well,
when we all finally get to that stage of T and surgery maybe we can look back on this and think: ":D well, that was pretty quick" <- or something like that lol
Quote from: NathanO3o on November 01, 2011, 04:30:03 PM
Wow, I feel exactly the same, the other night I just sat and cried about having these, I also felt the weight thing, like something attaching itself to my body and weighing down and making it hard to breathe, I can still kinda feel that right now. Although to be honest i'm more worried about my hips and butt
ಠ_ಠ I bloody ended up taking after my mother's side of the family (uber-short-and-have-giant-pear-shape-hips) ಠ_ಠ
But I do my best to not think about it or i'll flood the country with my tears. You're not alone.
Things will get better, for all of us, maybe not now but eventuarlly.
~probably.bad.advice.sorry.lol~ Think of it this way, you know how when you look back on your life it seems only yesterday you were like five years old? well,
when we all finally get to that stage of T and surgery maybe we can look back on this and think: ":D well, that was pretty quick" <- or something like that lol
Thanks for making me smile! You're absolutely right. We will look back on this and say that. It's just that when we want something so bad, everything seems to go by so slow.
Quote from: Nick on November 01, 2011, 05:07:45 PM
Thanks for making me smile! You're absolutely right. We will look back on this and say that. It's just that when we want something so bad, everything seems to go by so slow.
Asdfghjkl ಥ‿ಥ so happy I made someone smile instead of ending up saying something completely awkward and weird and causing people to think "..wth.." lol.
Yeah time does seem to go by slow but you'll get there, especially for me, im super in-patient I've only just recently gotten a acceptence letter from a gender clinic and now i get to wait months untill my first appointment ಠ_ಠ then it's another two or 3..or 4 years untill possible T woo. ಠ_ಠ depends how stuck-up my country is about it all.
But lets look on the good side, like, because our faces are more femimine than other guys we therefor look younger and hotter 8D hell yes.
Quote from: NathanO3o on November 01, 2011, 07:11:06 PM
Yeah time does seem to go by slow but you'll get there, especially for me, im super in-patient I've only just recently gotten a acceptence letter from a gender clinic and now i get to wait months untill my first appointment ಠ_ಠ then it's another two or 3..or 4 years untill possible T woo. ಠ_ಠ depends how stuck-up my country is about it all.
But lets look on the good side, like, because our faces are more femimine than other guys we therefor look younger and hotter 8D hell yes.
years until you get T?! Where the heck are you? In the U.S. it doesn't take that long...Not that I know of...I know that you have to go through a couple of months of therapy and then you get a letter from the therapist to find a doctor who will give you the T. Well, not that simple I think but along those lines.
Well, in the UK we have to be sixteen, im kinda, not at that age yet T ^T. I find the rules in this country quite stupid really, on a documentry i found they say "in the uk blockers cannot be given untill the age of 15 and t at sixteen, this gives the child more time to think about it" where the blockers were made to give the child more time without the pain of puberty *rage* ಠ_ಠ
And I bet as soon as im of age to get it they'll say "lul nope, it's eighteen now" i could get it now, but im too poor to pay $40 every month or so and the "NHS" is so slow.
I mean i understand waiting till that age for T but they're jsut being stupid with the blockers, loads of children have taken them in the us since the age of eleven or something and nothing went wrong, nothing at all. then in the UK....BAM everything is WAY TO DANGEROUS. They went on about loosing bone density, but i highly doubt that would happen in a way it would be serious and restrict physical activities from the age of eleven to sixteen. ಠ_ಠ
They also say testosterone would stunt height, i dont see how seeming in cis-guys it's one of the things that makes them taller but meh. Can't win with doctors and Therapists. ಠ_ಠ *Has mini rage in my room about everything*
Atleast i have my advice. im going to look back on this in a few years when i'm on T and think "lol, that wasn't so bad, but im still mad"
(i find it hard to let things go lol)
Im so sorry! That sucks :( But like you said! in the future it will all be good! And like you i have no patience lol ayyyy
I'm having a lot more bad days with my breasts and body in general these days.
It's worst when I go out feeling pretty good about myself and then catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and suddenly freak out about how girly and curvy my body looks.
I also wanted to add...
Quote from: NathanO3o on November 01, 2011, 07:51:10 PM
They also say testosterone would stunt height, i dont see how seeming in cis-guys it's one of the things that makes them taller but meh. Can't win with doctors and Therapists. ಠ_ಠ *Has mini rage in my room about everything*
I KNOW RIGHT?!
Don't even get me started on the incompetence and ignorance of UK doctors xD
One of the doctors I asked about transition looked at me like I was completely off my rocker and said "you can't just take some pills and become a man you know"
Sometimes, when I have to use the bathroom, I get so incredibly annoyed and frustrated that it severely affects my mental state. Which is really kind of ridiculous.
And sometimes I just disassociate completely and get this weird, numb, disconnected feeling. You ever been on really GOOD painkillers, or slept on your arm so bad you couldn't feel it or move it in the morning? It's kind of like that, except all over.
Crying, though, I try not to do. I get angry at myself when I cry. Which just starts the cycle over again.
Quote from: Jeatyn on November 02, 2011, 06:15:50 AM
I KNOW RIGHT?!
Don't even get me started on the incompetence and ignorance of UK doctors xD
One of the doctors I asked about transition looked at me like I was completely off my rocker and said "you can't just take some pills and become a man you know"
D8< OMG. i know right? asdfghjkl someone let me move to america with them XD lol,
and that "you can't just take some pills and become a man" thing, "Most considerate doctor in the world award goes to..... not him"
D8< *super-outrage-moment*
my "GP" , when i brought up the fact i was trans did pretty much all he could to avoid the subject and kept saying how damn dangerous everything was.
I don't get it with english doctors, just... they don't seem to be even educated on the basics of this stuff.
Quote from: Nick on November 01, 2011, 09:18:27 PM
Im so sorry! That sucks :( But like you said! in the future it will all be good! And like you i have no patience lol ayyyy
Yeah, :) just gotta look to the good sides and that, my life is going by pretty quick so thats good ~i.sleep.almost.18.hours.a.day.so.it's.over.quickly~
Quote from: Derek on November 02, 2011, 09:30:26 AM
Sometimes, when I have to use the bathroom, I get so incredibly annoyed and frustrated that it severely affects my mental state. Which is really kind of ridiculous.
And sometimes I just disassociate completely and get this weird, numb, disconnected feeling. You ever been on really GOOD painkillers, or slept on your arm so bad you couldn't feel it or move it in the morning? It's kind of like that, except all over.
Crying, though, I try not to do. I get angry at myself when I cry. Which just starts the cycle over again.
You could try this to help with the curves thing?
~another.probably.bad.advice.moment~ (this is what i try because i have wide hips and a big butt ( ಠ_ಠ damn it )) when you walk try to push your hips forward and lean slightly back a bit like this --> \ <--- but a tad more up-right, and try wearing hoodies, but keep it open, this lets the back of it hang down of your shoulders so it would give the effect that your body is flat on both sides, as for hips, try wearing trouses low around the hips instead of the waist, this to me atleast seems to make them appear more straight | |instead of ( ).
I hope that helps in some way, sorry if it didn't make sense, i'd draw what i mean instead to explain easier but i cant figure out how to upload ಠ_ಠ