Okay so, I'm like really sure that I'm transgender and all. Everything from the way I act to the way I interact with people, etc etc, I pretty much know that I'm probably MTF. And I'm pre-HRT and havent been trying to pass... still.
However, the last few weeks I've been worrying about what if I'm not? What if something happens and I decide to change my mind? And like, honestly that scares me because I WANT to be and look female so badly, and I know this isn't some fetish or anything like that.
One of the reasons I felt that was because recently I bought a girl jacket. It's not the girlisest thing in the world, it could probably be either for a guy or a girl, but it seems like a big step for me to buy it.
Now the first night I wore it I was like, scared for people to see it and everything, but i ended up walking around town wearing it and it felt amazing, I even swung on a swingset at night for a while (because that is seriously awesome) and I just felt so female it was amazing, I wish there was someone there with me to talk to during that time. The next night I was actually totally fine with anyone seeing me in it, but like today I couldnt get myself to wear it because I didnt want neighbors to think of me as weird or anything because I don't want to be weird, I just want to be female. I mean tonight though as i was leaving work i was actually wishing I had my jacket with me so I could show a few of my co-workers how cute it was.
Mind you my town is conservative...
And basically what I want to ask is, is it normal for this sort of thing to happen? To worry about what others think about me being a weird guy wearing a girl's jacket even though I feel totally female like, all the time? I mean I honestly don't think a single part of me feels male, and yet I'm scared to be seen with a girl's jacket half the time? Because sometimes I just want to skip the whole phase and just start looking female and dressing feminine, which is why I've initially planned on going on hormones for a bit before I start trying to pass. I'm starting therapy relatively soon, as well.
So, help?
I don't think that's all that odd. I wanted to be a princess not a monster. Of course my idea of what a princess is is a little skewed... (I rescue the knight, right?) Not many of us really want to look like a fusion of various gendered characteristics. Or worse like a bloke in women's clothing. All girl or nothing.
And now I am a princess! (Well, that's what my name means anyway.)
I never wore an item of women's clothing before I was full time. Wear whatever you are comfortable with. Unlike my name, it doesn't have to mean anything.
You've said that you identify as a female, and have absolutely no male identification at all. But you've got doubts now that you're moving toward the road to transformation into a female form. Meanwhile, you've recounted to us just how happy you were to even have a small token of feminine expression (a jacket), and just how significant a step this was for you.
Fundamentally, you're worried that one day you'll be on HRT, your breasts will be half-grown, you'll have thrown all this money and emotional energy into the process, undergone so much hardship, and suddenly you'll feel like you should never have done this and that you were a male all along. Or, even if you really are an MtF, what if you lose everyone important to you and have to bear the hatred of your community? That would be unfair, sad, and very lonely.
I feel the exact same way, toxicblue. I'm not at all uncertain about my gender identity, but I am uncertain as to whether or not transition will be worth it. The unjust scorn of an entire community is something right out of "The Scarlet Letter", something that most people only IMAGINE experiencing and never consider becoming a reality. And the fear of coming out of your transition entirely unable to pass, and thus becoming a magnet for that scorn, is just as crippling.
You know what, toxicblue? If you're as much like me as I think you are, then this is the situation: I think you really are a girl, but you're just scared by the permanence of the decision to transition for the reasons I gave. You're trying to find a reason to avoid something painful and scary (in this case, questioning your previously uncontested gender identity). That's a natural human reaction, you're simply trying to avoid psychological pain. This part REALLY enforces my conclusion:
"Because sometimes I just want to skip the whole phase and just start looking female and dressing feminine, which is why I've initially planned on going on hormones for a bit before I start trying to pass."
You want to avoid all the painful, scary stuff and get down to being a girl.
It sounds like you are clear about who you are, but are scared of the cost of acting on it. That is a totally normal reaction that everyone on here has probably had to grapple with. It is hard to go against both a lifetime of conditioning (basically brainwashing) and the messages you are receiving all the time in the media and from society.
Do you have a Gender Therapist? If so, talk to them about it as soon as possible. This is the sort of situation they expect to meet in every client, so they should be able to help you work out your options and choose a course of action. If you haven't, you really need one to make any progress.
Main thing is relax and enjoy being a woman, even if you can't do it in the outside world yet.
Karen.
I think sailor saturn and justme are right.
Reading your post seems to describe exactly how I used to feel about it all. and to some degree how i still feel.
My advice is to take it one small step at a time. and only focus on the very next thing ahead of you. take it slow while your scared.
I have come to find for myself that with every little thing I do I gain more confidence and in turn I gain more knowledge about myself and who i am. which slowly dissipates my fears. I can feel myself no longer worrying so much about what others think because of how happy I've been with each step.
take into account how you felt about the jacket. and when your ready take another small step just like that. and soon enough you'll be taking bigger steps but with all the other steps you've taken up to that point those big steps wont seem as big and scary as they were before.
try not to be scared of the future. if you take it slow with the mindset that you will stop the second it feels uncomfortable or wrong then you will be sure enough of yourself by the time you get to the really big things.
thats my advice anyway. thats how I've been tackling this and its been working. maybe ti could do the same for you.
Thank you all for your very kind words. I think sometimes I just feel the need to prove that I'm female. I mean, living without hormones but wanting to transition for a year really does a number on you...
And yes, I am getting a therapist soon. I met with her like 10 or so months ago just once but I'm starting meetings again.
I'm just so glad I'm not the only one feeling like this. I just have to remember any steps are steps... and there's only so far one can go without HRT.
Thanks again everyone. ^_^
Blue,
I had a whole lifetime with this! This is normal. I had times that I was in full denial followed by depression then a reaffirmation of my GID with very little I can do about it. This was before I went on HRT. The most part of my 59 years. Do more sessions with your therapist. Hugs!
Joelene
I think being judged, insulted, harrassed or beaten are normal things to fear. It doesn't sound like an identity issue to me?
Quote from: pretty on November 04, 2011, 12:21:41 AM
I think being judged, insulted, harrassed or beaten are normal things to fear. It doesn't sound like an identity issue to me?
Rephrased, "These are normal feelings for this". I had those same fears.
Joelene
Like you toxic, I'm just begging my transition.
In my case, all of my girlfriends donated a whole bunch of decently cute clothes to me. However, I find It sooo hard to get up the courage to even look at myself in the mirror when I dress.
My advice would be to be careful, I live in a conservative city, and the first time I went out dressed to the gas station some teenage girls (I'm still in college) had the audacity to mock me. Needless to say, that was one of the nights where I cried myself to sleep. I completely agree about being torn, when I got the clothes I wanted to shout and scream at the top of my voice to everyone but I was terrified about what other people would think about me.
I'm not going to lie, getting laughed at was pretty much the most terrible thing I can think of. But you know what, those girls were slacked-jawed mormon yokels who are going to pop out 6 brats and live in poverty. So I can handle one night of crying if it means that I get to be myself.
I was afraid that 'real' trans women didn't have these problems, thanks for validating me. :)
I agree with everyone here, you have all said pretty much everything I would say. Thank you all for your responses. I have had/have these feelings myself. We all seem to share close experiences. Toxic I'm just like you! Mesage me whenever i am here for all of you, if you need a friend.
I seriously didn't think it was this normal to feel this way. I guess after living in a male body for 19 years it gets to you.
@Guantanamera, You're right, I should be careful. But I think that the pain of transitioning is much more worth the pain of keeping all these feelings hidden. And I'm glad I can help you, too. ^.^
@Jen-Jen, Thanks, I'd be glad to message you. =]
You've got to be able to assert your identity to others, but more than anything else you need to be able to assert it to yourself. If you let yourself fall into a cycle of "I'm really a girl, but am I really a girl?" then you'll literally drive yourself insane. It takes soul-searching, and an honest look at yourself without any mercy. And once you come to your conclusion, you stand by it.
That's what I did. It's all that's keeping me sane. If I let myself worry about every little thing, constantly wondering if that was what a "real girl" would do, I'd never be able to do anything. My answer to that question when it pops up in my head is very straightforward: "Yes, that is what a real girl would do, because I just did it."
I actually am conservative. I'm afraid my friends are going to judge me and all. But that's Okay because God is the Frequency of Love and we speak every day. God needs to use me for something special and only in my mind is the plan, it involves being a girl. This issue is something that most girls would not listen to a guy about, but would listen to another girl about.
Anyway, this is not the first time my Transsexual showed up in my life. When I was 13, in the Summer of 2001, I would go into my mom's bathroom and try on her makeup, stuff her bras, put on jewelry, and glitter. My hair was buzzed and didn't like it when all girly. My parents, doctor, and for a while, thought it was a stage that I would overcome.
This went away for about 8 years and then returned in 2010, with the beginning of hair growth. My second to last haircut ever was June 2010, and it was a buzz. In July of 2010, I became a vegetarian (Yay, Soy!) , and by August, Converse sneakers (Yay, Gender Neutral!). By October of that year, I would make little heart necklaces out of play doh and yarn. I hid a necklace under my shirt; I was clearly still a boy. By December of 2010, I adopted a new name, Alyssum, very civilly. Few people ever heard it. It was inspired by the name of a street I passed. I never saw this word before and was flattered by the phonetics of it. It was sweet; it means flower of rationality in Greek.
By January, my hair got longer, so it finally parted, and IN FEBRUARY OF 2011, I MADE THE MOST REGRETTABLE DECISION A TRANSSEXUAL CAN EVER MAKE: I got another haircut and tried one last time to return to Old Alexander. It was an epic failure. Within four days, I had wished I had let my hair grow, but in that time, I had allowed for my body to feminize a little bit. It wouldn't be too wise to let my hair grow out too early while my outward liminal personality and physical appearance was still male.
Within the Spring and Summer, my hair grew longer and my face started bulking and rounding, even though I didn't gain any weight. I noticed tiny boobies coming in by late summer and I first adopted the new name Alyssa Case on August 19, 2011.
I had never even heard of transsexualism and thought being a "->-bleeped-<-" meant being a sickeningly ugly crossdresser who could be seen from far away. However, I couldn't be further from the truth. YOU GIRLS ARE BEAUTIFUL! I first heard about the TG community in August and joined Susan's Place in September. I first heard of TS that month and realized that TS does not = TG and that TS, unlike TG, is not part of the LGBT community. TS people who do meet criteria for LGBT identify as L, G, ot B and don't make this community by simply being transsexual. About 20 percent of transsexuals are also lesbian, gay or bisexual.
I started taking pictures for this forum in September and more recent ones in October.
I really want to become a girl and I'd love to wake up with breasts and no outside genitalia and especially no facial hair, but I'm slowly getting there and I'm on my biggest journey yet. :)
Alyssa, I've a few points to make:
1. The transgender (TG) umbrella actually does cover transsexuals. It encompasses all things outside the established gender binary. Crossdressers, Androgynes, Transsexuals, all Transgender people.
2. The term "->-bleeped-<-" can be extraordinarily offensive to transsexuals. It has been used in the past to equate us to ->-bleeped-<-s, to whom the term actually refers. I am one of those transsexuals who finds that term offensive, though I don't get all huffy about it. Just putting information out about the term. Be careful with it.
3. By virtue of point number one, transsexuals fall under the category LGBT.
4. Are your hormones being administered by an endocrinologist, or have you been self-administering? The former is fine, the latter is dangerous (even deadly). I only ask because your narrative did not ever include a therapist, leading me to suspect your transition is not operating through the safer channels.
5. If you're only just learning about the Trans. community, you're probably WAY too early on to be starting your transition. You need to accumulate information, contacts, and resources. You can't just dive headlong into a transition without considering and preparing for the legal, social, and medical implications.
I realize that many of those points are based on assumptions, but I think they're a fair reading of your narrative. Slow down, gather information, and if you're self-administering hormones, stop it.
Edited. Sorry, I read things a little wrongly there! :(
It's worth noting that, under some circumstances, therapy is not mandatory for doctor regulated hormones. Howard Brown here in Chicago has advocated that the APA remove GID / GI from the DSM entirely, as we do not have an illness which causes mental anguish. We are people whose place in society can lead to mental anguish. In that vein, they offer hormone therapy based on informed consent. You just have to attend a few classes to fully understand what effects hormones can have on you.
Oh, CRAP! Your name is Alyssa too, isn't it? Damn. I wasn't talking to you, toxicblue. I was talking to Alyssa Case. You're fine, I don't think I've got anything to worry about with you. You go on your merry way and do as you are doing.
OH sorry! I'll change that message. I guess I kind of just expect people to know my name? xD My bad.
Quote from: Sailor_Saturn on November 08, 2011, 02:55:49 AM
4. Are your hormones being administered by an endocrinologist, or have you been self-administering? The former is fine, the latter is dangerous (even deadly). I only ask because your narrative did not ever include a therapist, leading me to suspect your transition is not operating through the safer channels.
Given the reason stated by Alyssa Case as to why her transition is taking place (quoted below), if I were an endocrinologist I would absolutely
not prescribe hormones to her. Nothing against religion or God, or even the fact that she wants to transition, but from a medical point of view pertaining to the prescription of hormones, in my opinion, it in no way implies any true symptoms of GID.
Quote from: ♥ Alyssa Case ♥ on November 07, 2011, 10:44:03 PM
God needs to use me for something special and only in my mind is the plan, it involves being a girl. This issue is something that most girls would not listen to a guy about, but would listen to another girl about.
I have some in common with toxicblue.
Every place for hundreds of miles is conservative. I also don't know even one person who would support me either during or after a transition. I also don't have the money for any kind of transition. Probably never will, either.
Aside from the above, I guess my fear is the opposite of toxicblue's. Imagine a basketball game where you're 2 points ahead but an opponent gets a 3-pointer through the net with 1 second left in the fourth quarter (or second half). I would fear investing so much energy, time, and money and being sad it isn't enough. I really want it all, but I can't body swap with a FtM, nor can I go back in time to be different or take over a body like an alien from another planet.
In some way I think of myself as a girl and yearn for it multiple times a day every single day for well over a decade. I don't have to choose to think about it; it happens by itself as well as when I choose it. A slight change to my birth name makes it a girl's name, albeit one I'm not that crazy about. But when I bought something girly through the big online auction site, the package was addressed using the female name instead of my birth/legal name. That was almost as thrilling as what was inside. I just love being referred to as a girl, even if it's an accident and I can't say that I liked it. Of course it happens much more online because I always sign up as a girl if I possibly can.
Quote from: stldrmgrl on November 08, 2011, 01:22:49 PM
Given the reason stated by Alyssa Case as to why her transition is taking place (quoted below), if I were an endocrinologist I would absolutely not prescribe hormones to her. Nothing against religion or God, or even the fact that she wants to transition, but from a medical point of view pertaining to the prescription of hormones, in my opinion, it in no way implies any true symptoms of GID.
Why would you consider her reasoning behind wanting to transition not symptomatic of GID?
As an atheist myself, I thought that her reasoning was certainly out of the ordinary for my experience and that of others on this board. However, being an historian I'm intimately aware of the different ways in which people express their wants or desires. Language like this (i.e. 'I have a calling from god.') is actually fairly common in western society. Particularly within Evangelical circles in the United States, even Ms. Bachmann professes a calling as her reason to run for president. Similarly, in Muslim culture, people express their desires/wishes/greetings as 'Oh Allah' or god willing. (Interestingly, a corruption of this phrase survives in the Spanish language as ójala, or I want/wish that.)
Perhaps we were a little too quick to judge?
Quote from: Guantanamera on November 08, 2011, 07:06:06 PM
Why would you consider her reasoning behind wanting to transition not symptomatic of GID?
As an atheist myself, I thought that her reasoning was certainly out of the ordinary for my experience and that of others on this board. However, being an historian I'm intimately aware of the different ways in which people express their wants or desires. Language like this (i.e. 'I have a calling from god.') is actually fairly common in western society. Particularly within Evangelical circles in the United States, even Ms. Bachmann professes a calling as her reason to run for president. Similarly, in Muslim culture, people express their desires/wishes/greetings as 'Oh Allah' or god willing. (Interestingly, a corruption of this phrase survives in the Spanish language as ójala, or I want/wish that.)
Perhaps we were a little too quick to judge?
I am not judging. Let's back up, however. Before speaking about an endocrinologist, let's discuss the therapist. A therapist is to make the professional diagnosis of GID in us. Without a sufficient transition plan and justification for desiring hormones (God told me to do it, unfortunately, in a professional medical point of view, does not suffice), I don't see a therapist even issuing the letter of recommendation. However, assuming a therapist would actually have released the letter of recommendation for hormones, an endocrinologist still has the decision on his/her own to either accept the recommendation or deny it. Just as easily someone can say that God called them to transition, they can recant that statement. The ramifications to the therapist and endocrinologist, if the transitioning person decides to place blame based upon the fact they no longer feel called to transition, could make its way to the legal system and/or cause licenses to be revoked but most certainly reputations ruined. This is the same "rule" relating to SRS; as we must live for a period of at least one year full-time and be on hormones for the same, along with letter(s) of recommendation for SRS. Surgeons refuse to operate on anyone who does not abide by this, as their reputation, license and life are at stake if someone changes their mind after serious changes have already been implemented. It is nothing against religion or God, it is about being sure of who you are, and I'm not convinced based upon what I've read. This is not to suggest Alyssa Case is not transgender and does not suffer from GID, as I don't know. It is to state that from a clinical point of view, without further explanation to suggest her meaning of "God told me to" in fact is implying something different, I would most certainly deny the request for hormones as an endocrinologist. As a therapist, if the aforementioned sentence is true, I'd discuss further to see if there isn't something more.