I need a haircut. It's getting "shaggy" (At least in my opinion). It is doing this flippy thing. I told my grandma I needed a haircut and she said I didn't. She said that I can comb it so it doesn't do that. I told her that I am sorry but I know my hair better than her. She said "Why do you want a haircut? So you can look like a man?" She said it in spanish but this is the closest translation. Regardless, yeah I do want to be a man. But I just wanted the haircut to look "nice". And I do want to be a man so why should this comment hurt so much? My mom told her already once that I was trans. I don't know if she told her I took it back but either way, that comment hurt so much...Ugh just venting I guess :)
I usunally think it as, its not what people say but the words behind what they say.
ex people can say,
"I love you" and give you kiss and hugs = I love you
and people can say
"I love you" looking all disapointed maybe looking away = you say you do, but you dont mean it, actually you dont care.
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or people can say;
"f** you ;)"
"f** you....<3"
"f** you!!!" kinda like that... if you see my point
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I bet your disapointed because to "look like man, isnt the same as to be a man, also if your had a brother who got a haircut it would probebly be unlikely he got the same kind of comment (I dont know since I dont know spanish).
I'd have to agree with NatKat on this one, it was probably everything she wasn't saying with those words that hurt you the most. Plus, I believe the way she said it probably would have come across as 'you want to look like something you're not?!', which is far from a compliment in any light.
I think Max said it pretty well. Usually, to me at least, the underlying messages are the worst.
Quote from: Nick on November 07, 2011, 05:03:21 PM
"Why do you want a haircut? So you can look like a man?" She said it in spanish but this is the closest translation. Regardless, yeah I do want to be a man. But I just wanted the haircut to look "nice". And I do want to be a man so why should this comment hurt so much? \
Sounds like she was trying to be passive aggressive about how she feels. that's the worst, because it takes you by surprise and you can't really respond right away. Still, her intent was obvious to you, so you felt it where it hurt the most.
Dunno what you did in response, but I would just smile and say, "well, no, I am a guy regardless of how my hair is cut, all though in this instance, I just want shorter hair." make the words drip sweetness in retort and then give her a hug or do something nice for her, since she's your grandmother. maybe it will make her think twice about being snide and shell remember she loves you no matter what. I think older family members probably take the longest to adjust, and hopefully she's just acting out because she's confused about whats up with her grandkid and she'll come around in time.
Oh, for me it's the subtle little things that get me every time. People forget that little things together amount to big issues and the trans one specifically is one that most people have been dealing with for a while and usually has a lot of strong emotion attached to it. Sometimes you're in the zone, content, or at least oblivious to trans things and one thing can trigger dysphoria and topple the house of cards.
It's also kind-of easier when the words are direct--they have the chance to hurt more--but they can be dealt with in time. Little comments fester into wonderings, pick insecurities, and leaves your mind free to assume any number of things about the incident.
Ergo:
>"Why do you want a haircut? So you can look like a man?"
Can spawn into
>Why would she think I wanted that?
>Does she remember about the trans issue?
>How did she take it?
Which could have branches like
>Clearly not very well if she can't even handle a haircut.
>She won't understand
Etc. etc. etc. But I know the feeling. It sucks that little things can be triggers but if you're stressed it happens. Your grandmother probably wasn't trying to be hurtful--a lot of people are uninformed about trans issues so she probably wouldn't know any better. That's all that matters. c: If she was, it's still probably an issue of not understanding. I'm sure you can get through it. :D Feel better though, yeah?