I have come to the conclusion that I'm meant to be a boy. I know I would hate to live full time as a girl; I enjoy acting masculine by dominating conversations, teasing people, arguing and, more significantly, my chances of fulfilling my dreams, career-wise, would undoubtedly be shattered if I decided to transition.
So I won't.
Anyway, I'm having a bit of trouble adapting to a completely male life now. I can't resist looking at women's clothes when I go shopping and I'm pretty much detest the fact that I will have to wear suits and whatnot. I think ultimately my dysphoric thoughts stemmed from the fact that I am very uncomfortable with the idea of being a short haired, suit-wearing, adult man; the whole idea of being a woman is so much more glamorous and appealing. It just didn't seem that big of a leap for me because I thought I was gay anyway.
So that is probably why I decided to transition. And it just didn't work out.
So how can I accept living the life of a man? How can I forget about the myth of myself as a woman? I keep telling myself how attractive I am as a guy and how people like me that way. It has been helping some, but it won't completely resolve my problem.
PS: Don't recommend crossdressing because that would be very counterproductive, as far as I'm concerned.
I dont really have any good advice as I experience similar issues. I know that I am a man undoubtedly and I am currently in the transition process, but I want to be a girl. No one really understands when I try to explain it because theyre just like you have a girls body so be a girl...but my brain is entirely male.
Quote from: casey8736 on November 11, 2011, 01:58:21 AM
I dont really have any good advice as I experience similar issues. I know that I am a man undoubtedly and I am currently in the transition process, but I want to be a girl. No one really understands when I try to explain it because theyre just like you have a girls body so be a girl...but my brain is entirely male.
The problem is I'm simply
not a girl. Even if I am gay and I have some feminine interests, and heck even if I do want it, it's not really who I am at the end of the day. I have so much potential, but only as a male. I don't want to give anything up.
Sigh. :-\
I am JUUUUST about the only person on this forum who is active who is living with gender dysphoria who has chosen not to transition. I've written a lot on it.
If you don't mind a bit of reading, I recommend my blog for starters, then we can talk from there. (If you can ignore the religious stuff early one, the more recent posts are more relevant).
If you don't want to read, no problem. If you want to control the dysphoria, you have to start thinking of it like you would a mental illness, one whose triggers can be controlled through cognitive training. I assume women's clothing in clothing stores is a trigger for you? Anything else?
Quote from: brIAnna (interalia) on November 11, 2011, 02:24:42 AM
I am JUUUUST about the only person on this forum who is active who is living with gender dysphoria who has chosen not to transition. I've written a lot on it.
If you don't mind a bit of reading, I recommend my blog for starters, then we can talk from there. (If you can ignore the religious stuff early one, the more recent posts are more relevant).
If you don't want to read, no problem. If you want to control the dysphoria, you have to start thinking of it like you would a mental illness, one whose triggers can be controlled through cognitive training. I assume women's clothing in clothing stores is a trigger for you? Anything else?
I often get disgusted at how male I look, sound, and act. I mean I know it's okay to be a guy and stuff, but it just bothers me.
And of course I'm jealous of ciswomen a lot of the time... :-\
Quote from: Grave Robber 9 (from Outer Space) on November 11, 2011, 02:27:55 AM
I often get disgusted at how male I look, sound, and act. I mean I know it's okay to be a guy and stuff, but it just bothers me.
And of course I'm jealous of ciswomen a lot of the time... :-\
To not get dysphoric in the past I used to avoid anything that triggered it. This does bring short term relief if you are being overwhelmed by dysphoria but it isn't a realistic long term fix. Truly, you must change the way you feel about the things that normally make you dysphoric. If looking in the mirror makes you dysphoric, then you need to associate looking in the mirror with something else - something positive and reinforcing. Is there anything that makes you feel good about yourself? Are you a good singer? Artist?
I'm actually a very good singer, composer, and producer. I don't want to give any of that up to transition... Blah.
When I look in the mirror I see a good looking guy and that makes me feel good, but I still feel a bit empty and unsettled.
Quote from: Grave Robber 9 (from Outer Space) on November 11, 2011, 02:33:55 AM
I'm actually a very good singer, composer, and producer. I don't want to give any of that up to transition... Blah.
When I look in the mirror I see a good looking guy and that makes me feel good, but I still feel a bit empty and unsettled.
I'd recommend focusing on keeping your appearance up so you can be happy with at least the male in the image. Additionally, try to warm up your voice and launch into a song you sing well BEFORE it is time to look in the mirror or at your body.
I know I'm being very specific, but I'm just trying to work with one single example of how to target a dysphoric trigger and nullify it so it isn't as painful. dysphoria can grow, swell, and become a monster if it isn't contained. Targeting triggers is the best way I know to keep it manageable.
I don't know your history but I see you've been around long enough to rack up nearly 100 posts, so I assume you're not just new to all this and having a typical "I'm not one of those people I'm normal/this is scary" reaction or something shallow like that.
I don't believe in trying to sway people one way or the other, I also don't believe in trying to reprogram your very nature. Good luck to anyone who thinks they can do it. I've known a couple of people who were on the brink of transitioning and found happiness without it just by expressing themselves more freely and being genderqueer, and they've saved themselves a lot of heartache in the process. However if you're planning on a career where that may not be an option I really think you need to figure out what drives you (it sounds like you're in that process now) and if you're causing yourself considerable distress trying to fit into a straight edged masculine role that you can't be happy in, maybe the career and idealised life plans are what has to go.
Just as an aside though, the music industry is one of the most welcoming places for a transperson to be.
FIrst off let me say that I can appreciate your position and want to wish you the very best in your decision.
Anyways what I had done when I was taking that path was that I would keep in mind that I am who I am and this shell doesn't define me. I think it's acceptable and doable to live your life as a man even if it's a feminine male. Even with the stereotype of men don't like nice clothes and things like that it's gonna make life difficult. But the bottom line is to be mindful of being proud of who you are. There is NOTHING wrong with you so don't let people tell you there is.
Again the very best wishes for you and the best of happiness.
Self harm held my mind together at the expense of my body for many years.
I'm not saying its a good solution but it worked for me for a time if nothing else.
Refusing to look at yourself by getting rid of mirrors and avoiding begin photographed it stops the dysphora from begin aggrivated.
If your having an intense episode focus on your work as best as you can having somthing to commit yourself to can help keep your mind off the pain.
DONT excaserbate the problem by "manning up" or behaving out of character. Doing that put me in a tailspin when I tried. Because even if you do somthing good or kind you will only feel like an imposter.
This is what I did... ultimately I failed. thus I might not be the best advisor. but best of luck with whatever decision you feel a need to live with.
Quote from: pebbles on November 11, 2011, 08:57:38 AM
DONT excaserbate the problem by "manning up" or behaving out of character. Doing that put me in a tailspin when I tried. Because even if you do somthing good or kind you will only feel like an imposter.
I can't agree with this statement more. :) Right on the money - it is one of the most self destructive things you can do, and while it might provide temporary relief it does far, far more damage in the future.
Being a manly doesn't feel problematic for me because I am masculine, personality-wise (though I have several feminine qualities). I actually feel rather relieved not having to worry about passing and embracing who I am at the core.
hi grave i cant really offer much more then interallia has already offered i personally resisted this as long as i could until 40 years old to be exact the toll it took on me in those 30 plus years was completely ridiculous i loss my ability to feel to connect with other people to feel if i was anything other then an empty shell going threw the motions. having said all that i would still say resist as long as you can but watch what it does to you in the trade off for me it was too much for you who knows by trying to man up i caused more harm phycologically to myself then if i would just have left it alone.
jessi
There is no way to get rid of your dysphoria.
I realized that I was not in the body I was supposed to be in once I hit puberty and it took me nearly a decade later to actually accept it. I would say I was trans to people, tell my friends, people I was in relationships with, and then I would say I changed my mind; I would deny it all, because I hated thinking that there was something "wrong" with me. Mind you, I grew up in an extremely closed minded community where most of my peers had treated me as if I had the plague and I had very little support. I totally understand that patriarchy rules in our society and that transitioning could potentially be a huge blow to your career, but there is no way to get rid of your dysphoria. I've tried. The problem with trans-people is that we are aware of our outer sex and we know that's how most people see us - but that doesn't necessarily purport that we were meant to be born that way; if you truly have gender dysphoria, you will only be able to convince yourself for a short time that your brain and body are in sync. You may be able to suppress your dysphoria for a while, but it will come back and it will get worse every time it does. The whole point behind any sort of dysphoria is it's constant malaise. If there was a way to actually absolve someone's dysphoria, there would be no reason for transitioning. About 50% of trans-people commit suicide if they have have not began transitioning before age thirty - and why? It's because there's no way to make the feelings they have disappear and they can't come to terms who they really are. People who decide to transition chose to do so because they see it as the only means of being happy. Your brain controls who you are and you shouldn't let your "outer sex" keep you from transitioning, because literally, beyond cultural and societal connotations, it says very little about who you are as a person. I hope you realize all of this as you are making your decision.
When I was trying to stay closeted it helped to not look at mirrors and reflections. Also to assert my right to behave in ways that weren't exactly typical for my assigned gender. I don't...I don't think I know how to be supportive of your position, as I can respect it but I cannot understand it. I hope you find a way to move in the world that makes you comfortable.
I agree with JasonRossL that dysphoria never goes away. All we can do is treat it. As Jason mentioned, transition is one way to treat dysphoria, however not all require that level of treatment. To say that nothing works to treat dysphoria except transition is an extreme exaggeration that doesn't take into account variations on the how dysphoria is experienced. It treats gender dysphoria as a one size fits all kind of problem, with a one size fits all kind of solution, when we can attest to the fact that it affects different people differently (just look at the post/non-op debates). Usually those promoting a transition-only position do so because they couldn't find another way to relieve their own, or they drank the kool-aid of the "transition or die" agenda of many of our activists.
Perhaps the OP is willing to try other ways to treat their dysphoria that doesn't involve the destruction of their personal life. Perhaps we should be looking to support them in their desires rather than telling the OP in absolutist terms that no other methods of treatment are available.
Just be a super feminine gay guy. Problem solved.
I don't think transition is necessary for everyone. Maybe redefinition would be useful? You can be a man who occasionally likes dresses, or who likes to fantasize about being a woman. You can be androgynous. You can be yourself any number of ways.
Quote from: brIAnna (interalia) on November 11, 2011, 04:34:57 PM
I agree with JasonRossL that dysphoria never goes away. All we can do is treat it. As Jason mentioned, transition is one way to treat dysphoria, however not all require that level of treatment. To say that nothing works to treat dysphoria except transition is an extreme exaggeration that doesn't take into account variations on the how dysphoria is experienced. It treats gender dysphoria as a one size fits all kind of problem, with a one size fits all kind of solution, when we can attest to the fact that it affects different people differently (just look at the post/non-op debates). Usually those promoting a transition-only position do so because they couldn't find another way to relieve their own, or they drank the kool-aid of the "transition or die" agenda of many of our activists.
Perhaps the OP is willing to try other ways to treat their dysphoria that doesn't involve the destruction of their personal life. Perhaps we should be looking to support them in their desires rather than telling the OP in absolutist terms that no other methods of treatment are available.
Honestly, I was not implying that someone has to completely transition to be happy. There are varying degrees of transitioning and they don't always include completion of surgeries. I would be supportive, if they had not asked "so how do I get rid of the dysphoria?" That's more of what I'm responding to, the use of the word dysphoria which usually implies something more than merely being confused. To me, this seems to be more of an issue of accepting oneself than deciding on whether or not the OP wants to transition. They can honestly do whatever they want with their life, but I'm just saying that it's typical for gender dysphoric people to slip in and out of denial. I've been there, done that, and it doesn't make you accept yourself anymore; it doesn't make things any easier. As long as this person chooses to ultimately be who they are, that is what is best for them, but that is not what their post even remotely implied. I am not saying "TRANSITION NOW", but that they should accept their gender identity, regardless of what it is. They do talk about transitioning though, so I felt it was more than appropriate to talk about... Sorry for the misunderstanding, bud.
Quote from: Grave Robber 9 (from Outer Space) on November 11, 2011, 01:54:52 AM
I have come to the conclusion that I'm meant to be a boy. I know I would hate to live full time as a girl; I enjoy acting masculine by dominating conversations, teasing people, arguing and,
Wait. Women can't or don't do these things? I'll give you, in a sexist environment these things will be harder as a woman. And yes, most environments
are sexist, but not
all.
In other words, as a man these things will only be easier if you wish to be surrounded by people who think women should just go with the flow. Is that a mindset you wish to participate in?
Quotemore significantly, my chances of fulfilling my dreams, career-wise, would undoubtedly be shattered if I decided to transition.
Shattered from being a woman or being trans?
-
No matter what, though, I hope for your happiness in this. If that's being a man, then perhaps you can solve your dysphoria by being androgynous or effeminate, yet still clearly male.
Obviously i dont now you but i think your maing an incredibly brave decision, at least from my point of view. The only thing in this world i have found to be as hard as transitioning was not transitioning................. Thats why im transitioning though so i sort of see where you are coming from if your scales were weighed int he other direction :)
My Gender pschologist said to me that only I could really know if i was transexual or if transition was right for me, likewise only you can know if you are not/it is not right for you. Good luck with whatever you do though :)
Quote from: jesse on November 11, 2011, 01:22:17 PM
hi grave i cant really offer much more then interallia has already offered i personally resisted this as long as i could until 40 years old to be exact the toll it took on me in those 30 plus years was completely ridiculous i loss my ability to feel to connect with other people to feel if i was anything other then an empty shell going threw the motions. having said all that i would still say resist as long as you can but watch what it does to you in the trade off for me it was too much for you who knows by trying to man up i caused more harm phycologically to myself then if i would just have left it alone.
jessi
Well said! The toll taken by constantly needing to beat the devil down will effect so many areas of your life. As Jessie said I became an empty shell. "Life sucks and then you die" was my affirmation. It was such a sad revelation one day when I was asked "What brings you joy?" I had no real answer. The last time I felt joy was 7 years earlier.
By all measures I was a success as a male. It meant nothing to me. I was a fake, am a fake. I have a great career, traveled the world, been involved in some remarkable feats of pulling the bacon out of the fire, and fell in love and eventually married the most incredible woman in the world after earning her heart back three times. Besides my wife, it all means nothing.
At the age of 55 I am seriously looking at transition for the third time. I feel I can do part time and that will be enough. But who knows? At this age after years of thinking I did defeat de devil, I was only fooling myself. A pot hole in the road of life can do that with ease.
I know dysphory will never go away.
It's hard to live in the gender you don't want to.
Some people can deal with it, some can't, it's all so very personal.
You can ask yourself a question...all the success and the image you have....is it worthy to live as a man.
if you can say yes...you can probally deal with it, if it is no, than there are hard times coming for you.
I'll hope you will find a way out for yourself.
The key to liking yourself and getting the most out of life is not to divide yourself into things that you like/dislike about yourself, that way lies madness. Just accept yourself as you are, sometimes you feel male other times you feel female. If you cannot at the moment stop labelling your thoughts and feelings etc as 'good' or 'bad', 'male' or 'female' then just accept that confusion. These days we are all under huge pressure to define ourselves clearly and make it easy for others such as employers and fellow employees to understand us. We are forced to 'sell' our personalities to the highest bidder. Be complicated, be multi-faceted, be a diamond instead of a lump of coal like all the others.
Quote from: Grave Robber 9 (from Outer Space) on November 11, 2011, 01:54:52 AM
I have come to the conclusion that I'm meant to be a boy. I know I would hate to live full time as a girl; I enjoy acting masculine by dominating conversations, teasing people, arguing and, more significantly, my chances of fulfilling my dreams, career-wise, would undoubtedly be shattered if I decided to transition.
Dominating conversations, teasing people, and arguing are fun, and I do all three often (with friends). I like to think I have a spunky personality, though it's also rather sassy by its nature... and by no means does anyone, to my knowedge, think I'm terribly masculine-acting. I'm not usually the media-programmed stereotype of passive, feminine, pink-loving horribleness (it ultimately depends on my comfort with the person being associated with), but I don't believe that contradicts my feminine personality one bit - that is, I feel as if it accentuates it, even completes it.
If you're focused on trying to live as male, then perhaps you can do so with a twinge (or more than a twinge :P) of flamboyance; it may make it more bearable. However, you might also have to realize that your cross-gender feelings may eventually catch up with you, and devastate you. These feelings don't often get better with time... it is a positive-feedback reaction, in that it just gets worse until it is resolved.
I hope for the best for you, and I hope that whatever you do to make yourself happy stays together and fulfills you for the time to follow this present :)
Another person who never transitioned and never plans to here.
Is your career of choice something you really love to do? Or just something that will make you a lot of money? Just curious.
It sounds to me that you're like a lot of other people, parts of you are male and parts of you are female. Some parts can be physical, some parts can be emotional, some parts can be mental, etc.
Also, not everyone has to change their body to be themselves. When you try to "fake" something - anything ... it usually does not turn out good in the end. You'll get to a point where you hit a wall. Unless you're one of those rare individuals who actually is somehow fulfilled by acting out a part - pretending to be someone they're not - then you won't actually be fulfilled. You may end up with a very successful career, but be empty and frustrated inside.
I can relate. I don't want to transition either. I mainly don't want to deal with the cost, the nuisance, and don't want to mess with a healthy body. Plus I don't know if I'd be happier living as male. It would be just another label that doesn't have anything to do with who I am.
I'm also a music person. It's a very accepting community to be a part of, and makes it easier to deal with the gender issues (partly because a lot of us have them). But in the long run, I'd like to be respected as a song-writer by people outside of my cozy little scene. Being trans would be too much of a distraction from the music itself. Being female is hard enough - you're a "female guitar player", "female songwriter", etc. If there's something more unusual about you, that's all people see; they stop paying attention to the music. I couldn't live with the knowledge that the best I could possibly do would be to be a well-known novelty act. I want to think it's possible for the stuff I write to have an impact of its own merit.
At the same time, you won't get far without being true to yourself. So you have to find a way to be who you are, openly, without transitioning.
If you don't want to transition, then the answer is plainly and clearly that you shouldn't. Your instinct is what's more important than anyone's advice because whichever way you go, it's your choice to live with down the road.
As for dysphoria, you should focus on the goals that make you not want to transition. Focusing on your dysphoria will only make it worse.
Like you, I have no wish to be a failed transsexual, unable to pass. I also found that the depression and suicidal ideation my dysphoria caused had to go. Many, like myself, have found that cross gender hormone treatments helps the dysphoria tremendously. I have had my facial hair removed, takes hormones, pluck eyebrows (moderately), and wear clear nail polish. I work in an extremely macho environment, though at the higher end of the corporate structure. I am married to a very accepting wife. At times I can fully express my feminine self while maintaining the male personae needed to make a living in my field. It is enough for me.