Hello, I have been lurking around here for some time now. I have learned more from here than I ever knew possible. I apologize in advance, but I do believe this may be a little lengthy as I need to get this all out. First off, I would like to tell you a little about myself. I am 26 years old. I do not quite know how to explain my sexuality yet. On the inside, I am male. On the outside, I am still female but not feminine at all. I have a supportive beautiful Fiancee for 2 years now. She is still new to this but surprises me all of the time. She makes me feel like a real man. Although I am still female on the outside, I pack, wear male clothing and dream of more like chest binding and such. I would be more fulfilled if I got both top and bottom surgery and transitioned but I fear the way my family would feel. I am not selfish and care about others feelings plus when I met my girl, she met me as a female. I was afraid to tell her differently because she was a lesbian. I thought that maybe she wouldn't accept me. So for the first year or so of our relationship, it was a lesbian relationship although I always craved more. She wouldn't accept it when ever I talked about who I really was on the inside. She was so angry at me. Then finally, I guess after heartache and battles something just clicked in her and she understood and allowed me to start a more male and female sexual relationship. And surprisingly, my "so" Lesbian girlfriend, is really enjoying her "man" now lol and now agrees she is bi-sexual. Wonderful! Although I am still female on the outside, she says she can fully think of me as her man, and I believe her.
My problem is me, I guess. I am so depressed at times. If I let it, I would be depressed every day. I am extremely jealous. I am jealous almost to the point of insanity at times and I know it is wrong. I am insecure about my girl looking at other guys and it drives me crazy. She tells me I'm crazy , and that I am the only one in her heart, eyes and soul and once again, I believe her but something in me still goes crazy sometimes. I am insecure that I am not a real man on the outside.
I find it hard to enjoy myself when I am out somewhere because I don't like the way people stare at us because we are 2 females showing affection instead of a man and his girl. Not saying there is anything wrong with 2 girls being together but I am not female. I want to feel more comfortable. I want to transition but I don't want to upset anyone like my family. Plus, I don't know if anyone else feels like this or if it is weird but I gather since I still have female parts and hormones, I sometimes, like maybe 2 times a month, have female sexual desires which my girlfriend loves because she says she has the best of both worlds. I sometimes like it because of the way she is to me but most times, I find it difficult and even sometimes humiliating. I want it, but I feel embarrassed like I am compromising myself because I am a man but at the same time, it is like my body just has to have it to be relieved. It is like I have fought so hard to be seen as a man in my girls eyes but yet I am letting her see me as a girl? Then she gets mad at me because I can't relax, and she doesn't want to do it any more. Then I am hurt, because I miss the way it use to be plus I need it. I don't know if this makes sense, I just need to understand it better. Am I bi-sexual? or what would it be defined as? Sometimes I feel like I am 90% male and 10% female. Would the 10% female go away if I started on T?
Last but not least, sometimes it is hard to fully be satisfied during sex as a male with my girl. I find it disappointing. Sometimes I am angry. Sometimes I am sad. I can achieve orgasm easily in many different ways but they feel not fulfilling and I love my fiancee. She is a beautiful Latina woman. A perfect 10 in my eyes. My dream girl. I want to fix this. I feel discontent with sex because I don't have the feeling of really penetrating her so I feel disassociation. Thank you all in advance for a reply.