Well, I just had a moment that the discoveries I've made about myself thanks to being trans have actually helped outside the therapy room. Most of my life, I have done what my mom wants me to do, from wearing dresses to certain occasions to shaving my legs or plucking my eyebrows. Over the past few weeks I have been asking myself why I listened to her and all that. I realized that I don't have to be submissive to her over every little thing.
So, she comes in the room minutes ago and starts ranting about how I have such tunnel vision and don't notice things going on around me, like where my sisters are throughout the day while she is on vacation (she just got home a few hours ago) and why I can't think to bring in the newspaper or why I can't wash my sisters' dishes that they left in the sink. She says I always think about myself first and I should start thinking about everyone else first. She also talked about how when her parents would go on vacation, she would make sure their house was spotless when they got home, because she would clean the house for them and a whole bunch of other stuff. All this stuff that she brought up is just the way I am. I have tried to change it to suit her purposes throughout my life. It hasn't worked. I don't notice the dirty dishes that aren't mine, and even if I did, they are my sisters' dishes, they need to do it. I'm not globally connected to my sisters to know where they are at every hour of the day. I couldn't care less. I don't care when one is leaving for work. I take care of my own ->-bleeped-<- and I help my mom out when she specifically asks me to. I need guidance on what she needs because I can't just know what she wants done. I don't see a dirty house like she does. I feel like she expects me to think like her and respond accordingly. I can't do that. We have two different kinds of brain wiring! She thinks of the big picture and I think in smaller pieces. I've tried to change my way of thinking to suit her purposes to avoid rants like these. Clearly it hasn't worked.
My normal response in such a situation as tonight would just be to sit quietly and then tell her I would try to do better. However, with all the self reflecting I have been doing about why I do everything she tells me to do, I finally argued for myself that I cannot do what she expects of me. I stood up for myself instead of just bowing down to her, and it felt good. I just wish she would understand that I do not have a female way of thinking. Sorry for the rant, but it was rather cathartic.
Way to go, man! :D
I'm a strong supporter of standing up for yourself. My mom sounds a lot like yours. But I think she was more just frustrated that things were the way they were than she was mad that I didn't do something. Like she's mad the house isn't the way she wishes it was, so she takes it out on you, basically.
Yeah, it always happens that way. I'm basically the scapegoat. I work nights, so I'm home during the day. Her point of view is I should be "doing something" and her something is housework. And my sisters are lazy and have mastered the art of not listening to mom, so it falls to me.
It sounds like you have some weirdly unfair and unpleasant family dynamics. It shouldn't be your job to be a cleaning service, unless that's part of your rent agreement or something.
It does just sound like her misplaced frustrations are warping your relationship. Be tough and try to separate your motivations from hers.
Do you have any plans to move out?
No plans to move out, and its really not that bad. She has her moments (she has been going through the *change*) but all in all I have a fairly good relationship with her. Estrogen just makes some people do some crazy ->-bleeped-<-...She has been taking supplements. My biggest issue is not necessarily cleaning the house, it's that she expects me to read her mind to know what needs to be cleaned. If she would just ask me to do something before blowing up about it, I would (almost) happily do it because she does do a lot for me in return.
Quote from: Felix on November 14, 2011, 01:27:25 AM
Be tough and try to separate your motivations from hers.
That is actually something I have been working on in my therapy sessions. :)
You still live with her? Then give the place a clean up, man, it's not hard. A good rule to go by is that mothers always want the housework to have been done. Maybe it'll even sweeten her up. Sorry for the other problems you're having with her, though. Really none of your concern where your sisters go.
Noticing messes is not a gendered trait. Sure maybe it generally skews one way or the other but it doesn't mean you have a female brain if you notice them. My brother is a clean freak and he'll go crazy about messes that I just don't see. Like you, I have a hard time noticing them. Also like you, I live with my mom, and at first she had to prompt me to clean things up. It's something I had to work at, and I'm still in that process, slowly getting better about it. It is certainly not unreasonable for her to expect me to do some cleaning. I'm living with her rent-free so the least I can do is try to help around the house. Plus, there are two toddlers living here too so she is often really busy. I wouldn't expect her to take care of the kids, cook dinner, and clean everything up too. So, maybe it's hard for you to see messes, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I would agree that the other stuff, i.e. keeping tabs on your sisters is unnecessary (unless they're kids, but you mentioned one leaving for work so I didn't think they were) but that doesn't invalidate the rest of her requests. One thing I just can't stand is when people try to establish that there's a "guy way" and a "girl way" of thinking, because more often than not it's just a way to propagate excuses. Just work at it, it's the least you can do.
I have definitely tried to work at it. One of the things I hate the most is seeing her upset. I have asked her over and over to give me a written out list of stuff to be done. The way I find that my brain works best is through checklists. It served me well in school: do exactly what the assignment asks for, no more no less. If she gave me the exact same list 3 days in a row, I could form a routine, which is another way my brain works well, but only rarely does she list things out for me, and it's always different. I just wish I could figure out how to keep her satisfied...
I work better with lists too, and my partner is just like you. I can be like "omg look at this mess why haven't you cleaned!" and he's like "eeerm...what needs doing exactly?" and needs a run down of every little thing.
It drives me insane because I like things in their place and everything clean. So I drew up a chore rota with checklists for everything that needed doing day to day, and now and again I prompt him to look at the list. Over time it's become a routine so I don't have to constantly nag him about leaving his shoes on the stairs or yada yada xD
You two do have two different minds but it's nothing to do with gender. It's a question of maturity. If you live with someone else, if they pay your bills (sit down and figure out how much it would cost to live on your own. You will be astonished.), make your meals, do the laundry then you can afford the 5 minutes it takes to do the dishes. She shouldn't have to specify each time they need to be done. You're not blind, you can see them even if they are not yours. If they are dirty clean them, it's simple.
You are not being a man, you are being selfish. You should realize a home is created when everyone chips in and helps each other. If you continue on this path you're going to turn into the guy who slaps his woman on the behind and tells her to get him a beer and a sandwich. Never mind she's been on her feet the whole day. That's not a good look.
Perhaps you could make a checklist for yourself and have one of the points for you to look around for any cleaning that needs to be done.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on November 14, 2011, 04:14:16 PM
You are not being a man, you are being selfish. You should realize a home is created when everyone chips in and helps each other.
Thanks Squirrel. I think I needed that. It does put things into perspective and is appreciated. :)
I'm not sure how old you are, but even if you are legally a child, I can't see how it could possibly be healthy for the two of your lives to be so enmeshed. If you are an adult, you should either move out or come to some sort of written agreement about the terms of living there.
If you are a kid, yeah do what you're told and clean up, but then you still have the problem of strife and not being a mindreader. Saying "man up" doesn't solve anything unless you were being lazy or disrespectful in the first place.