This isn't completely trans related, but everyone is so great and supportive here, so I figured I'd ask for some help.
I have a friend coming out to visit me for a few days this weekend. I've known her for years and years online and she's always been asking me to hang out, and I've always just sort of made excuses as to why we couldn't, mostly because I wasn't comfortable with how I was at the the time to hang out with her.
Well now, I'm a little more comfortable since getting a binder, and it just so happens that her coming out to see me this weekend would work out perfectly.
I'm just really dreading it. I'm rarely ever in social situations, I really don't have any friends in person, and when I go out it's just to go grocery shopping or to do laundry. Part of me is a little excited to have someone to hang out with, but I'm mostly just not looking forward to it.
I'm worried that she'll laugh at my appearance or something, because I don't feel at this point I've changed everything that I can change (i.e. wardrobe, hairstyle, etc.) to the point that I feel confident in my own skin until I can have hormonal changes. I have changed some things, but not everything that I think I could upgrade about myself, so it leaves me feeling like I'm okay, but I can easily nitpick at my appearance.
I'm just insanely self conscious and really nervous to do this and getting sort of down about it. I don't really have any real reason about dreading it other than feeling so much discomfort with myself.
So does anybody have any advice or words to ease my mind a little? I think I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but that still doesn't get rid of the feeling of dread. :-\
So she knows you're trans, right? And she seems completely cool with it online? Does she use male pronounces online and not refer to you as a "girl"?
If so, then she seems like a nice, accepting person. Have you ever been to a GSA at your school or for youths in the community? You'll find people there are SO accepting, where it doesn't matter what you look like at all, they see right through your appearance and see you for the guy you really are. (at least in my experience with GSAs).
So, really, you shouldn't feel self conscious if you have reason to believe that she is accepting of you.
And if the worse does happen where she is not the person you thought she was and she actually laughs at you for appearance, then kick her out immediately and never speak to her again. because you deserve WAY better than. never forget that.
Just remember that she is coming to hang out with you, not your body, :P
What I do when I'm nervous about that kind of thing is just push through it. You may or may not manage to be at ease, but if you make yourself socialize or whatever, it will be easier the next time. Or the time after. Or at some point.
I find that it's worth it even if the person sees your discomfort. It sounds like you need the practice and the connection. You need a better and less limited narrative for yourself.
I bet she'll be totally respectful. She's your friend, right? If she laughs at you or hurts you, say so.
Thanks for the replies guys :)
As far as being respectful of my being trans, she is to an extent, she doesn't use male pronouns with me, but that's fine because I haven't asked her to yet. Also, she'll be around my family who I'm half out to, half not, and I haven't asked any of them to use male pronouns with me either so that's not so much of a big deal.
Her humor can get a little offensive but so can mine at the same time, I think that's probably why we're friends.
I'm mostly just worried that I'm going to look stupid or something and just make a fool out of myself, but that all just kind of roots in my self esteem issues and trans issues, so I was just looking for some consoling words or something along those lines. Lee, what you said really helped, it's some food for thought.
And Felix, I think you're completely right. I'm never exposed much to social situations, so I think the more I take a dive into them, so to speak, the better I'll be with them overall. Practice makes perfect I guess?
Oh, and JohnAlex, I've never been to anything like that, but I'm 20 now and out of school so I'm just kind of waiting on therapy, and going full time as male to be a bit more comfortable in my own skin, and going further with social situations from there.
But thanks for the replies guys, I'm feeling a bit more at ease and she's going to be here in a few hours and I'm not as nervous as before. :)
Cool. :D Let us know how it goes, ForWantOf.