I'm terrified. I'm terrified of coming out, physically transitioning, I don't even know if I am trans, but I keep having transgendered feelings like hating my body and such, but I'm so confused. I don't want to give up my female dreams (as I mentioned in my last post). I will be lost without them, I don't know how to find another way. I'm terrified my best friend will stop talking to me (likely, as I found out she is homophobiac). I don't know what I want anymore. I was happy with my female dreams and female body, but since a year ago this came up, and now I don't know what to do!! I get really bad panic attacks, and suicide thoughts. I don't know what to do, if I can't even take the first simple step of going to a therapist.
Josh~~
I think the most significant part of your post is where you say you're not even sure if you're trans or not. When my wife (MtF TG) started therapy, I was gobsmacked to find out about all the other conditions that sometimes can cause transgender-like thinking without having ->-bleeped-<- as the actual cause! Going to a competent gender-therapist is definitely a good start. He or she will be able to help you safely explore your emotions and discover what is causing these thoughts.
As my own brand of reassurance to you, I'd like to remind you that gender is not necessarily an either/or option. I, myself, am bi-gendered, though genetically female. While I would LOVE for medical science to figure out a way to grow me some man bits to add on down below without having me give up what I've already got, I know that's not real likely in my lifetime. So, I help myself stay sane by giving my male side some air time. (For example, tomorrow there's a football game he wants to watch, so I'm making space for that and a beer. :) ) I'm also a writer, and in the trilogy I'm penning, I have a character who is FtM transgendered, but he elects to not do any physical transformation due to his successful career as an actress. In both my case and my character's, gender is a sort of grey muddle, but we both find ways to make ourselves happy where we are.
As with all other areas of life, there is no one path to take, just a whole bunch of options and trying things out to find the best path to happiness.
Best to you on your journey!
~~E
Therapy my friend, therapy.
Take a breath. It's not a race, don't push yourself into something. Talk to a therapist or someone close to you. And really, don't worry about coming out to anyone right now, it causes lots of extra stress.
Thanks everyone, but like I said just even going to a therapist is difficult for me. I do fantasize having a male chest, hair, voice drop, face, and even wish for my downstairs I could go to the bathroom like a bio male could. These fantasies don't stop. I hate wearing female clothing, I hate everything about it. But then, I think what will happen If I were to transition. I would be even more lost than I am now. I want to yet I don't want to. I apologize if I sound like a broken record.
Hey Josh. As others have said, find yourself a good therapist and talk things through. Transitioning is not something to be taken lightly. Even though I have fully transitioned, I will tell you, it's the hardest thing I have ever done. And I still have times when I have to deal with the ramifications.
Find a good therapist. That is the best thing you can do for yourself. A good gender therapist will help you to know if this is the right path for you.
And, listen to your heart....you know who you are. And that is great.
I very much know the feeling, I have had these feelings for a long time and I've always just tried to suppress/ignore them in hopes that they would go away but they never do. I used to think that it was just easier to just be a boy since I was born that way and its easier when out in the world to present that way, but lately it has just been causing me more and more pain and even though the thought of transition scares me I feel like it might definitely be something to consider doing. Like the others already said therapy is very important, just the fact that I'm finally confronting these issues about my identity in a productive way makes me feel so much better. So try and hang in there! It does take a lot of courage to take the first steps, and you know we will always be here to support you through it :)
Quote from: Caseyy on November 17, 2011, 02:35:12 AM
Hm. I'm sure many other people have said this in various forms, but the first thing I'll say is to just...take a step back and breathe. Honestly. When I first began coming out (this was as a lesbian first), that was the absolute 100% best advice I was given. I realize trans isn't the same, but this advice carried me through my second coming out as well.
I started this whole process five years ago as a terrified, shattered, and completely uncertain person. I spoke with someone who is now a close friend, who had been "out" for years, and she said to me that I needed to stop. Stop thinking about coming out. Stop thinking about whether or not I was really a lesbian. Stay in the present. A solid identity and the courage to show it and stand up for it are really secondary.
We live in a crazy world where we're expected to know it all now, be the same person forever, have a static identity and sense of self, and if we don't, we are "weak." It's a lie. Do what you want. Dress as you want. Look at who you want. Think about whoever you want. Love who you want. Stop letting these thoughts and fears drown out your heart. The answers are inside you.
If you can take that in, truly believe it, and truly let it happen, things will fall into place. I promise.
Wow, pretty amazing advice.
You sound panicky in these posts. I'm not going to say calm down (I can get pretty twitchy myself), but I will remind you that you don't have to decide right away. And you don't have to hate the parts of you that are in conflict with one another. It's okay to have both masculine and feminine urges, and it's safe to consider them. Thinking about and playing with gender concepts is not going to lock you into being a man or a woman. It's okay. You'll be okay.
Quote from: Kaylie on November 17, 2011, 03:15:40 PM
I very much know the feeling, I have had these feelings for a long time and I've always just tried to suppress/ignore them in hopes that they would go away but they never do. I used to think that it was just easier to just be a boy since I was born that way and its easier when out in the world to present that way, but lately it has just been causing me more and more pain and even though the thought of transition scares me I feel like it might definitely be something to consider doing. Like the others already said therapy is very important, just the fact that I'm finally confronting these issues about my identity in a productive way makes me feel so much better. So try and hang in there! It does take a lot of courage to take the first steps, and you know we will always be here to support you through it :)
It's official, NOTHING feels right about being a girl anymore. I hate myself. No one understands me at home. My dad's always telling me "wear nicer clothes!" I felt like crap tonight because I was just wearing a hoodie and jeans.
And times when I have female interests really gets to me because I just hate my female self I don't want anything to do with being female and it breaks my heart!! :(
At Felix: That's probably because I AM panicky. I've been losing sleep over this. It's making me really upset. Along with trying to choose which career path to go into (which will determine my entire future along with this). I'm really losing it.
Are your parents approachable about stuff like this? Your dad might not get onto you about wearing "nice clothes" if you explained to him why you don't. Or maybe he'd take it really badly. Depends on their mindset about a lot of things.
If therapy is too big a step to take, maybe you could find a gathering of trans people, or even glbt people in general, and see how other people live with gender differences? They tend to be pretty welcoming of people who are just questioning. For me, meeting other trans folk was really helpful when I was nervous about transitioning. Nobody pushed me in any particular direction, and it was calming to see how there's no right way to deal with this.
Quote from: Felix on November 18, 2011, 10:57:02 AM
Are your parents approachable about stuff like this? Your dad might not get onto you about wearing "nice clothes" if you explained to him why you don't. Or maybe he'd take it really badly. Depends on their mindset about a lot of things.
If therapy is too big a step to take, maybe you could find a gathering of trans people, or even glbt people in general, and see how other people live with gender differences? They tend to be pretty welcoming of people who are just questioning. For me, meeting other trans folk was really helpful when I was nervous about transitioning. Nobody pushed me in any particular direction, and it was calming to see how there's no right way to deal with this.
To be honest I don't think my dad is approachable about this at all.
I like the idea of LGBT groups. I'll try to find some around my area. Thx.
PS Everyone, I changed my name from Josh T to... well what it is now :P
Hi Cody.
I am a newbie here so I don't have good advices, altough I really passed tough times...
I just want to give you an Hug
Keep fighting, and you'll be whom you feel to be, and it will be wonderfull.
Kisses
Dear: Josh T,
I hear the cry for help (loud and clear) :'( I have hid my true self for 45 years.
Felix, had great advise I think you should take a second and meditate on it please. Being scared is my middle name although I am huge person (not fat ;)) built, buff; as one scared cat to another do not quit NEVER SURRENDER!!!!! = no suicide; not an option!
Looking for the peace of mind is a journey down life's road. it takes courage to put one step in front of the other
(it is not easy sometimes I well know.) Now positive time, you took the first right step by joining the community.
the next right step you took is opening up to the forum GOOD JOB. ;D Now keep your eyes forward and don't look back the next step could good ones or bad but keep making forward progress listen to your hart live, love, and grow old. I hope this helps a little?
I love ya ...............be happy or find it .............Peace out.
Thanks again so much for everyone's support, it means so much to me.
Keep us posted. :)
Have a suggestion I hope might help. If you live inside the USA than you might look up PFLAG. This support group generally is gay-lesbian support group but they also do bisexual and transgender support. I currently go to a group only a few miles from where I live. I have found this group very willing to support and give as much help as possible. Think there is at least 1 pflag group in every state and some states have several. Just my opinion but it might help! Good Luck!!!
Cody,
Take your time. Forgive me, I am not being condescending. But you are young and your body and brain are still developing. Sexual preferences in young people change a lot, there is nothing odd, strange or unusual in that. If you have doubts that is normal. Totally. You may well find that you wish to be a woman, you may find you want to be a heterosexual woman with a family etc. You may find that is not for you. You may desire to be a feamle with a female partner, nothing wrong with that. You may desire to explore your TS?TG feelings as you are, nothing wrong with that. You may decide you are a male and want to transition, nothing wrong with that.
All of those feelings, thoughts and beliefs can be very overwhelming. I'm probably older than either of your parents and I have worked with young people in an educational sense for my adult life. I love working with younger people and being part of there development. But the young do not always see, they think they do. But to be honest experience is the biggest life teacher, and that comes with age. Sadly.
So take your time, there are no rules and no boundaries. No one, No one, No one has any influence to change your opinion. What you want to do in life is the rule.
Hugs
Cindy
Quote from: lindsey26 on November 21, 2011, 01:58:39 AM
Have a suggestion I hope might help. If you live inside the USA than you might look up PFLAG. This support group generally is gay-lesbian support group but they also do bisexual and transgender support. I currently go to a group only a few miles from where I live. I have found this group very willing to support and give as much help as possible. Think there is at least 1 pflag group in every state and some states have several. Just my opinion but it might help! Good Luck!!!
D: Unfortunately I am not in the USA
Cindy: I guess you are right. Only time will tell. Though for some reason I had it in my head that if I were to transition I'd be a young guy under 25. I want to transition but I don't want to, you know? This is totally off topic but I'm much more into girls than I am into guys. I always thought I want to be a guy if I'm going to be with a girl, but now I don't know anymore. It's not just because of that, like I said I have days where I really get depressed about my female body. I don't want to regret this but then sometimes I would transition in a heartbeat. I'm just scared that time will make things worse, not better.
Cody~~
Time is actually on your side for transitioning going from a female body to a male one. Your female hormones aren't going to do much more "damage" to your chances of a successful transition to a male form. It's the people who were born male and transition to female who have a ticking clock to worry about. Testosterone is VERY powerful stuff, and it does so much to the voice, to the patterns of hair dispersal, and other such things. For MtFs, it is far better to transition as young as possible to stand the best chance of developing a passable female form. For FtMs, you have all the time in the world. Look at Chaz Bono. He's in his middle years, and honestly, if I didn't know, I wouldn't know.
As I said above, your confusion and feelings of gender dysmorphia may or may not be due to a transgendered state. There's so much more it could be. You really need a therapist to help you sort all this out and get medication for other conditions if it's NOT ->-bleeped-<-.
Take care, young soul.
~~E
Thanks Ellie. If it's not ->-bleeped-<-, I'm curious to know what else it could be. Thing is, I REALLY hate the idea of being trapped in a female body, but I'm also terrified of the idea of transitioning. They are really mixed and confusing feelings :/
Cody~~
The statistical likelihood of your gender dysmorphia being associated with something else is pretty low but not non-existent. The conditions of which I'm aware that have gender dysmorphia as a symptom include depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia. Given your age and the amount of panic you feel, there's the outside chance that you might have something like that going on. (The early college years are a time when lots of things can become triggered in the brain due to hormonal shifts.) However, I AM NOT A THERAPIST, so please take this post as informational only. I am not saying I specifically suspect that's what's going on with you. I'm saying your age and level of panic suggest there could be a lot going on and that a good therapist can help you safely explore what the real answer is. Keep in mind that even if you are transgendered, you don't necessarily *HAVE* to transition. There's a lot of options for you to help you find a way to cope with your negative feelings about your female body, but only a therapist has the training to help you do this well. In fact, the idea that gender dysmorphia could be associated with something else was something I learned by going to therapy with my wife.
I really hope you seek some help soon. As a person who deals with high levels of anxiety daily (thank you, autism!), I can say that it well and truly sucks to live in a state of panic all the time. Therapy and meds have been good for me at various points as have some natural solutions, but whatever it is that I'm doing, it's all in the name of living a better quality of life and being more functional.
I hope this helps you more than it scares you. I know the thought it could be one of those other conditions might be pretty upsetting, but the alternative to exploring all possibilities is to live forever in the trapped state you've described.
Here's to courage and self-knowledge!
~~E
Ellie, you are absolutely right. There is a LOT going on. I think I mentally use this as an escape. This all started with one simple fantasy. Then, I imagined even more and more what it would be like to be male, and even have male parts. When I saw videos on YouTube about FtM's progress videos, and how they fully transform into a guy's body, and I even found out about bottom surgery, that made me so happy. I know, I should probably go to a therapist regardless and get my suicide thoughts fixed. That alone is a big problem. Then, there's a bunch of family stuff going on. My dad and his gf possibly getting married. Me not being able to sleep very well at night and/or oversleep. Most important of all: me trying to figure out my future in terms of careers. My dad's pushing for pharmacy and makes it feel like an army at home. So yeah, I definitely am considering going to a therapist. Because this stuff is really stressing me out. ALL of it. The only thing is, I am terrified of going to a doctor because I KNOW I won't be able to talk.
Cody~~
I don't know if this will help you feel better or not, but there is a point of view from which I can speak as an expert, and that is as a teen librarian (degree + MANY years experience). What I see in you at 19, aside from the gender issues, seems to be a bout par for the course. You're at a time of great transition in your life from youth to adulthood, and to top it all off, your brain isn't done cooking yet and won't be for another few years. Rough seas to say the least.
You seem to have an okay time opening up here online. Would it help to have an online therapist? There are some out there, and if you would like, I could use my mad research skillz-with-a-Z as a librarian to help you find one that seems like a good fit. It would be a start, I think. And maybe it could help you gain a little courage to talk to a therapist face-to-face.
Let me know what you think. :)
~~E
Ellie,
I actually love the idea of an online therapist. That sounds fantastic. :D
-Cody
I will get right on that and get back to you with what I discover!
BTW, I *LOVE* your current profile pic! I adore pengo-wengos, and the rockhopper is king amongst them for me. :)
~~E
Well, thanks and thanks :D and yeah, when I thought of my name I thought "hey wait a minute, isn't that penguin from Surf's Up named Cody?" and thus my profile pic was born ;D
I feel very much the same way. I'm terrified of the idea of continuing living as a male, and terrified of the idea of transitioning.
I'm considering therapy too, but I hear dealing with the national health system is an uphill battle in these matters.
Quote from: Rain Dog on November 26, 2011, 08:58:05 AM
I feel very much the same way. I'm terrified of the idea of continuing living as a male, and terrified of the idea of transitioning.
I'm considering therapy too, but I hear dealing with the national health system is an uphill battle in these matters.
The health system is also another concern of mine.
I found the NHS to be very helpfull once i realised all they are trying to do is disuade the uncertain. I went to my GP and asked about therapy and was told nothing could be done but i found a local gender specialist and asked my GP for a referral which was made that day and i had an appointment a few weeks later. I had 4 meetings with the gender specialist psychologist and psychiatrist and was then reffered to Charing cross. My refferal then got lost which has made me very angry but i should have a new one made very soon........
Quote from: El on November 26, 2011, 03:52:57 PM
I found the NHS to be very helpfull once i realised all they are trying to do is disuade the uncertain. I went to my GP and asked about therapy and was told nothing could be done but i found a local gender specialist and asked my GP for a referral which was made that day and i had an appointment a few weeks later. I had 4 meetings with the gender specialist psychologist and psychiatrist and was then reffered to Charing cross. My refferal then got lost which has made me very angry but i should have a new one made very soon........
That sucks about the refferal, sorry.
So... going to a family doctor, even as a first step, probably won't help me at all?
Well that depends on your family doctor lol, id say make that your second step after finding a local specialist for them to refer you to. If you turn up with the name and practise adress of a specialist and politiely demand a refferal you will probably get one. You wanna be dealt with by a speialist asap rather than wasting too mcuh time with your GP and non-specialised doctors.
Quote from: El on November 27, 2011, 02:47:58 AM
Well that depends on your family doctor lol, id say make that your second step after finding a local specialist for them to refer you to. If you turn up with the name and practise adress of a specialist and politiely demand a refferal you will probably get one. You wanna be dealt with by a speialist asap rather than wasting too mcuh time with your GP and non-specialised doctors.
Good advice, thanks El. I'm clueless when it comes to this stuff! :-\
Lol i was aswell, i felt so alone trying to get proper medical help, it was a serious struggle to make myself go to the GP the first time and they were very dissmissive. But then i found a support group, they put me in touch with the local gender clinic and from there it got a bit easier.
Yeah, I'm trying to find a support group in my area. Thing is I'm so paranoid about people somehow figuring out, I'm just not ready to come out yet.