Following up on the other thread that I just made: "Is it better to transition before or after having a kid?",
I have gotten contacted by interested men online .... some of them say they already have kids.
That made me wonder - would it be better to date a man with kids... that way they won't have to feel like they are missing out on having children biologically if they settle down with me...
And one less possible reason they might leave me for a natal female (if they said they do not want children. but they woke up one day, and decided, HEY! I want kids!)
Or would it be better to date a man with no kids ... that way there is no additional complications since a trans relationship is already complicated and difficult... but there would be always this fear that they might leave me for a natal female to reproduce children....
???
WITHOUT!...WITHOUT!...WITHOUT!...WITHOUT!...WITHOUT!...WITHOUT!...WITHOUT!...WITHOUT!... ::)
I love kids but they take away a lot from the relationship and when they aren't yours, you usually have no say, like when they are treating you like dirt. And then there's the mommy competition/replacement issues. And the... :o But maybe you want to give it a try and see for yourself.
You're going to find this particular topic very opinionated. As Julie Marie stated, you will have responsibilities beyond simply being in their lives; it may be a long road to travel and require extensive patience, understanding and confidence. This, primarily deals with the children's attitude and behavior. Some children may accept and respect you right away, while others not so much. If you don't mind the work and love children, go for it. As for me personally, other factors would need to be determined as to whether or not I'd consider it.
On the other hand, the guy would be more serious about dating and finding a partner to settle down if he has kids already :) Dating as a single parent is very difficult (for men or women)... so if you are able to deal with this kids, that is a HUGE bonus in your favor with having the guy like you / be more serious about you.
So it appears it is all dependent on the kids - if I don't get alon gwith them or they do not accept me as a trans woman, then forget it and move on, huh?
Yeah, it looks like the age of the kids is an important factor .... very young children or babies would probably adjust better than those older, especially teenagers.
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if I don't get along with them or they do not accept me as a trans woman, then forget it and move on, huh?
Depends on how much you care.
Is there a dearth of responses to this thread because most of the MTFs here are lesbians thus irrelevant to them? ;)
I am not sure but it seems like this forum has gotten younger and younger in past couple months so you might be asking a question people simply have not had time to consider!
I for one would be open to date anyone and make a decision on case by case basis. Not one situation is the same as every person is a bit different and has slightly different circumstances. they may be divorced but on good terms with their ex and having 1 or 3 or more children. Would you be ready to be a step mom for a 6, 10 and 14 years old?
Now his ex may be a nightmare and she'd do anything to make your life a hell to the point where she'd go to the court to prevent her ex-husband from seeing the kids as long as he is seeing you.
But he may be divorced because he didn't want any kids so you might be a perfect match, but he could totally abandon you after a while if he wakes up one day and realizes he will never have an offspring with you. So the situations are limitless and you can only try to figure out if YOU would be a good step mom for one or more kids and what age of kids you would feel confident with. Have you changed a lot of diapers and spent sleepless nights because the kid is waking up in the middle of the night? If not you really don't know what you are in for.
I have a child and for that reason alone I would not avoid a man with his own children either but I would be careful assessing the circumstances and insist in incorporating my own rules into his/theirs/our lives. I am more opinionated about rearing a child than about anything else, i.e. no television at all. How many households do you know who don't have a TV? I don't have one.
Ooh ooh date me! Me me me! Over here! *raises and frantically waves hand* Guys with kids are strong and gentle and sexy!
Quote from: Felix on November 24, 2011, 03:22:15 PM
Ooh ooh date me! Me me me! Over here! *raises and frantically waves hand* Guys with kids are strong and gentle and sexy!
;D Well Felix, what about the TV situation? Let's negotiate the most important part of the settlement and then we can talk about the rest!
I got rid of my TV in 1999, shortly after acquiring it. I found myself sitting on the floor after a 10 hour shift at the doughnut shop, watching "Cops," and I blinked and thought what the hell am I doing with my life. Had to get rid of it. XD
This sounds really promising!
I looked up your profile and it says you live in Oregon. I live in Seattle so this might even work out! ;)
Seriously now, sometimes I do go to Portland just for fun. If you live near by there we could even visit each other one day?!
Quote from: MsDazzler on November 24, 2011, 01:02:20 PM
Is there a dearth of responses to this thread because most of the MTFs here are lesbians thus irrelevant to them? ;)
I would possibly date a woman who had kids, but I'd be a bit wary about it. It's not my favorite situation, but it's something I could come to accept.
I already am pouring so much into my own transition - I can barely imagine having time and energy for a man, let alone his children! :icon_eek:
Fair enough!
However he may have let's say a not heterosexual 15 year old who would be delighted to meet someone who is trans and in his or her dads company!
Never say never I say.
If you date a man with children are you prepared to be a 'mother' to them? Have you considered that the children might be angry, confused, resentful towards you? Many children resent a genetic woman taking the place of their mother how might they react to you? Is it even fair to make them decide?
TS's that are attracted to men face many difficulties, if he has children and his children like you are you sure that you could be a mother to them? Also most men want children eventually, and you can't give them to him. Can you tolerate being a girlfriend for the rest of your life?
Quote from: Happy Girl! on November 24, 2011, 07:24:19 PM
If you date a man with children are you prepared to be a 'mother' to them? Have you considered that the children might be angry, confused, resentful towards you? Many children resent a genetic woman taking the place of their mother how might they react to you? Is it even fair to make them decide?
TS's that are attracted to men face many difficulties, if he has children and his children like you are you sure that you could be a mother to them? Also most men want children eventually, and you can't give them to him. Can you tolerate being a girlfriend for the rest of your life?
I can't speak for all children or all men, but my daughter has seen me date quite a few people. Her reaction has ranged from indifference to overenthusiasm. Only very rarely does someone I hang out with in any context end up behaving like a parent. I'm pretty careful about that, and I'm sure most single parents are.
And most men I've known did not want kids.
Quote from: envie on November 24, 2011, 03:37:30 PM
This sounds really promising!
I looked up your profile and it says you live in Oregon. I live in Seattle so this might even work out! ;)
Seriously now, sometimes I do go to Portland just for fun. If you live near by there we could even visit each other one day?!
Yup, of course. PM me if you're ever in town. :)
Quote from: Felix on November 24, 2011, 03:32:09 PM
... watching "Cops," and I blinked and thought what the hell am I doing with my life.
I love Cops! lol
Quote from: Felix on November 24, 2011, 10:17:27 PM
Yup, of course. PM me if you're ever in town. :)
Sure thing! Another reason to visit Portland besides the Powel's and the second hand clothing stores!
It is funny, also.... my friends keep saying, "Will you adopt when you get in a relationship? Or bank your sperm and conceive a child via surrogacy?" It is like they are pressuring me to find a man and have children. :icon_blahblah:
That is an interesting question. But what if the man himself wanted to donate the sperm to the surrogate mother instead of you?
Will you argue about whose sperm is going to be used for the conception? Or may be you could have two children, one from him and one from you!
Now this is really serious question. The sperm bank costs money and the surrogate too. A lot of money!
I tried for almost 3 years to conceive with the birth mom of my daughter before she did stay pregnant. And I waited for another year and a half after my daughter was born before I went on HRT.
I could have started transitioning when I turned 30 but I had to hang in there for another 4 years. The in vitro fertilization has no guarantee. People go sometimes for 2 or 3 times until they conceive. Each time $1000 minimum charge. the Sperm bank is about $450 a year after the initial set up charge.
I did not have that kind of money is what I was trying to say.