Okay, I'll try to keep this short. I live at home and I'm still in highschool. I've experimented with binding as much as possible without going out and getting a binder. (I have a friend that I can order one through, but it'll be a while:/.) I'm out to my sister (who took it surprisingly well), my brother (who thinks I'm delusional), a friend, and my therapist (who is just a regular one, but it's still nice to be seeing one. especially one who took it pretty darn good and didn't try to talk me out of it.) Those are the only people I can come out to right now(besides my parents, which is the whole point of this post). From where I'm at right now, I don't think I can really move forward in any way without their knowledge...I'm starting to think maybe it's time to tell them so I can get things rolling.
I'm 100% sure I'm ftm.
I only have one dilemma. It's only been three monthes since I first started questioning this, since I first learned what transgender meant. The signs are there (dysphoria, etc.) and I'm so sure of it now....but to anyone else, three months seems so short. My parents will probably think that it's a phase, and I'm a little scared that I'm not actually ftm and have just deluded myself like my brother thinks I have.
I'm getting to a point where I think if I'm going to move forward, it's going to be with their knowledge. I can't "cross dress" (from their perspective at least) without them knowing, can't come out at school until I can pass, etc. If you guys have any ideas on anything else I can do to keep moving forward with this, I'm all ears, but I can't think of anything else I can do to keep transitioning. ( Not hormones, but to start passing, to get the right pronouns, to be treated as a boy, etc.)
Basically, do you think I should start getting ready to come out if the only way to keep masculinizing myself is to tell them, or do you think I should hold off for a while and give it more time?
Let me know if I was confusing or what not, I'm not exactly organized right now....:/
Thanks.
Does your high school have a GSA? That could be one of the first places you come out too, and those people could get your pronouns right and such, even if the rest of the school doesn't know.
I think there's a lot you could do without your parents needing to get involved. you could dress however you want. and your parents can think whatever they want, but you don't have to tell them anything until you are ready. Basically, you can keep masculinizing yourself without them knowing.
And if you are ready to tell them now, I think it's perfectly fine to lie and say that you've known for years :P If you're 100% sure, you might as well have known for years, imo.
If you want to move forward, there is no use holding yourself back. I want to know how conservative your parents are though, because I was "boyish" even as a child and never dressed "girly" throughout my entirety of adolescence. I didn't come out to my parents until about a year and a half ago, but I was never concerned about "passing" as a female to them. If you want your parents not to think its a phase, then make sure you can back yourself up, especially if they are uninformed on trans-identities. For instance, gender identity issues you may or may have not prior to finding out what FTM is; go into detail about these feelings and why you are 100% sure that you are not happy with your gender. One thing that is iffy about your post is how you say you are 100% positive, but show apprehension about your mental health because of your brother later in your post. I wish you would explain more as to why you even consider being delusional as possibility, so I can understand where you are coming from better. If you have a history of certain mental illnesses in your family, this could be important. I'm assuming you're just reacting to your brother disparaging you, but I want to be sure.
@JohnAlex The thing about my highschool is that it's not public. The best way to describe it is as a Christian private school, and obviously, Christian schools don't really have GSA's...
I live far enough out from any town that I need someone to drive me to get clothes, and the only person I could get to drive me would be them...they'd ask all sorts of questions if I started looking through the guy section, to the point where i might as well come out right then and there.
I hate to shoot down all your ideas, but I can't see me going to a clothing store without them anytime soon. I'll keep it in mind, and maybe once my brother gets more comfortable with it, he'll drive me, but until then...:/ idk.
I think on some level I have known for years. It's just that now I know what it was I was feeling and I have a word for it.
@JasonRX My parents aren't exactly LGBT-friendly. They're Christian, not extreme, but still. They know I get sensitive when it comes to LGBT issues, so they generally keep quiet about it, but I know my mom doesn't approve of it too much. I remember one time a year or so back, there was some kind of special on boys that liked "girl toys", aka, Barbies and stuff, and liked wearing dresses. Both of them didn't really approve. They kind of poked a little fun at it, but they were pretty unhappy with it.
I guess I'm not 100% sure, so I retract that. It's partly my brother's comment, but sometimes I wonder if I somehow think that being a guy will magically solve all my social problems. (I know it won't, but I still wonder from time to time.)
I don't have a family history as far as I know.
Do jeans and t shirts have to be gendered? Maybe you could get them to take you to a thrift store. They don't always separate the clothes by gender, and even when they do they usually don't do that with everything on the racks. Then you could wear things that may not be 'male' per se, but could maybe make you feel more comfortable in your own skin.
The only shirts I wear anymore are just band t-shirts, which are gender-neutral, and I'm okay with that. I'd keep wearing them even if I could wear whatever I wanted, although I would wear other things as well. My jeans for the most part is what bothers me, but I do have a gender-neutral-ish looking pair.Next time I end up at one, I'll definitely keep my eyes open. :)
If you plan to start hormones, no, it won't magically solve your problems. It's a process and you have to do a lot of other things to pass. Of course, we will never have a fully functioning cis-male-like penis - I don't know how far you're looking to transition, but that's about the only thing you cannot achieve through current medical standards and whatnot. But yeah, I've been on hormones for about 11 weeks now and a lot has changed about me - my voice has dropped significantly, facial features are starting to masculinize, more muscle definition, some fat restribution....yeah, things like that.
I mean, I had a pretty male presence before deciding to transition though I've known I wanted to be a male since the time I hit puberty and became sexually aware - that was around 10-11 years old. I knew surgeries were possible by age 12, but didn't know much about hormone replacement therapy until about 14. I don't know how I found this out - probably the friends I made on the internet, because I was living in a pretty conservative rural community at the time. For instance, I like girls. That was enough for most people to talk about me like I had the plague in my town - well most of my peers at least.
My family used to poke fun at trans-issues too until they actually understood them. Of course, my dad was never really passive or dismissive about me advocating for the LGBTQIA community. He supported me liking women, and my mom does too (though she didn't as much initially). The trans thing is an entirely different ballpark though - and for a long time, I would start to accept myself, be ready to come out, tell a couple of friends, then my dysphoria would act up & I would slip back into denial. Just so you know, that's not a healthy thing to do about yourself. At all. Oh also, they come from Catholic background, but aren't religious much at all. Honestly though, my parents never rejected the fact I was more masculine - I was more scared of them rejecting me wanting to transition. As a child, I naturally was drawn to more "boy oriented" concepts and would not be swayed otherwise. They were used to that - I'm not sure that your parents are yet, but you will need to explain to them in detail how you feel about yourself as much as possible so they can start to understand. Make sure not to feel attacked if they respond poorly - actually, to avoid them reacting poorly, tell them from the start that they are free to ask you any questions, as long as they are well intended, because you want them to understand and for there to be as little as possible confusion. You do have a sister who supports you, so depending on your age, possibly she can be of help to you as well. Are you close? Does she know more about your life and how you feel about the world than your parents do?
My sister was not supportive of trans-issues at all before I decided to come out. Things are okay with her now, but she is still the most apprehensive family member compared to my mom and dad. A few years back she called trans surgeries "stupid" and said that "people that have problems if they want to do something disgusting like that to their body". I had to correct her and tell her that a lot of thought goes into those surgeries; they just don't decide over night that they want to transition, and it's almost not even a choice - they feel like that's who they are and that she was in no place to judge. Of course, this was actually me standing up for myself, but no one knew that at the time. She hadn't been intolerant after that incident, but she was sort of neutral about the issue. We never really talked about it much because there is no LGBTQIA community in the town she goes to school in. She's actually a year older than you, I believe, because she turned sixteen in August.
Quote from: LexiToPeter? on December 03, 2011, 11:36:21 PM
The only shirts I wear anymore are just band t-shirts, which are gender-neutral, and I'm okay with that. I'd keep wearing them even if I could wear whatever I wanted, although I would wear other things as well. My jeans for the most part is what bothers me, but I do have a gender-neutral-ish looking pair.Next time I end up at one, I'll definitely keep my eyes open. :)
I can never for the life of me tell the difference between boys and girls jeans. I get most of my clothes from free boxes, and I have no clue what the differences are between some of the garments.
@Felix The ones that I wear have little designs on the back pockets, so it's pretty obvious for those.
@JasonRX Yeah, I know I'll still have some stuff to work through besides being trans, and I know I'm not going to have a cis-male's dick. I'm sure transphobia is going to be an issue at the school I go to, which won't really help in the social department, but as long as I've got a few friends I'd be okay with it.
From what I know about T, I'd say that I want to go on it. Of course, I need to do more research on all the changes (good and bad) so I know what I'd be getting myself into. I definitely see it as a possibility though, along with top surgery.
When I hit puberty, all I knew was that I wasn't comfortable with my body. It felt so wrong. :/ I've never felt comfortable as a girl, but the idea of being a boy never really entered my mind because it was impossible to me at the time. I had to be a girl because I had to...does that make sense?? But the feeling slipped in more indirectly. Like I'd see an actor in a movie of something and I'd be like "Man I wish my chest was that flat." Stuff like that and I'd always identify more with the male character then the female character. For the sake of not rambling, I'll just stop there.
My sister's younger then me, and she doesn't always realize that how you say things changes people's reactions, so she'd probably make the situation worse.
Quote from: Felix on December 04, 2011, 12:20:19 AM
I can never for the life of me tell the difference between boys and girls jeans. I get most of my clothes from free boxes, and I have no clue what the differences are between some of the garments.
Sometimes there are certain accents on the jeans where people can tell.
Some girls jeans are intentionally made to be tighter around the hips and or have feminine embellishments on them (such as girly design on the button, tighter pockets, odd pocket embroidery).
Also, because Peter is a teenager, this will likely be more of problem since a lot of younger girls clothing tends to be regurgitation of the latest trends and is not all that modest.
One way you can almost always tell who the pants were made for though is the way the jeans are sized. While most men's jeans are marked by actual waist measurements, women's jeans are sized by 0 and up. Of course, no one be able to readily see this difference, but you, and whoever may be taking your pants off (I dunno Lmao) - there are also occasional exceptions to this rule.
Peter, if you ever want to talk to me about your problems, you are more than welcome to.
I've already offered several people on here my skype, RakishJason, but most people don't have that on here it seems.
I like to offer support and I could help give you some information on my particular changes, as well link you to trans-resources that might particularly interest you. When I was fifteen, I didn't research this stuff a lot, but for some reason, in the past year or so, I have. I came out to my parents a month before I turned seventeen, so. I know how you feel about the chest though. Before I was binding, I had really bad dysphoria and layered so many shirts to try to hide my chest.
I was rather buxom for how skinny I was. Since then, I've put on a lot of muscle mass and have lost some density in my chest thanks to HRT, so it's much easier for me to bind now. Despite that, I still need top surgery.
And I don't mind rambling all that much. I really like to ramble. Also, I do understand where you're coming from - especially with society's expectations and your own body issues.
Quote from: JasonRX on December 04, 2011, 12:59:20 AM
Sometimes there are certain accents on the jeans where people can tell.
Some girls jeans are intentionally made to be tighter around the hips and or have feminine embellishments on them (such as girly design on the button, tighter pockets, odd pocket embroidery).
Also, because Peter is a teenager, this will likely be more of problem since a lot of younger girls clothing tends to be regurgitation of the latest trends and is not all that modest.
One way you can almost always tell who the pants were made for though is the way the jeans are sized. While most men's jeans are marked by actual waist measurements, women's jeans are sized by 0 and up. Of course, no one be able to readily see this difference, but you, and whoever may be taking your pants off (I dunno Lmao) - there are also occasional exceptions to this rule.
Hey thanks Jason. :)
Quote from: LexiToPeter? on December 03, 2011, 10:46:28 PM
@JohnAlex The thing about my highschool is that it's not public. The best way to describe it is as a Christian private school, and obviously, Christian schools don't really have GSA's...
I live far enough out from any town that I need someone to drive me to get clothes, and the only person I could get to drive me would be them...they'd ask all sorts of questions if I started looking through the guy section, to the point where i might as well come out right then and there.
I hate to shoot down all your ideas, but I can't see me going to a clothing store without them anytime soon. I'll keep it in mind, and maybe once my brother gets more comfortable with it, he'll drive me, but until then...:/ idk.
I think on some level I have known for years. It's just that now I know what it was I was feeling and I have a word for it.
Do you have any friends who you could get to drive you?
Quote from: JasonRX on December 04, 2011, 01:11:17 AM
Peter, if you ever want to talk to me about your problems, you are more than welcome to.
I've already offered several people on here my skype, RakishJason, but most people don't have that on here it seems.
I like to offer support and I could help give you some information on my particular changes, as well link you to trans-resources that might particularly interest you. When I was fifteen, I didn't research this stuff a lot, but for some reason, in the past year or so, I have. I came out to my parents a month before I turned seventeen, so. I know how you feel about the chest though. Before I was binding, I had really bad dysphoria and layered so many shirts to try to hide my chest.
I was rather buxom for how skinny I was. Since then, I've put on a lot of muscle mass and have lost some density in my chest thanks to HRT, so it's much easier for me to bind now. Despite that, I still need top surgery.
And I don't mind rambling all that much. I really like to ramble. Also, I do understand where you're coming from - especially with society's expectations and your own body issues.
I don't have a skype either, but once I figure out how to private message someone (if that works for you) I'll definitely take you up on the offer. :) That's pretty chill of you to do by the way and I really appreciate it.
Quote from: JohnAlex on December 04, 2011, 01:30:28 PM
Do you have any friends who you could get to drive you?
The one that would drive me lives about an hour away, and I'm not out to anyone else. I don't know that many people anyway.
Quote from: Felix on December 04, 2011, 12:20:19 AM
I can never for the life of me tell the difference between boys and girls jeans. I get most of my clothes from free boxes, and I have no clue what the differences are between some of the garments.
Look at buttons and zippers. If the flap on top comes from the left side of the opening then it's men's. If it's from the right, it's women's.
Quote from: Nygeel on December 04, 2011, 04:16:58 PM
Look at buttons and zippers. If the flap on top comes from the left side of the opening then it's men's. If it's from the right, it's women's.
I'd always been told this as well, but it's really not always true. I'm wearing guy jeans today and the flap comes from the left, but the girl jeans I wore yesterday also had a flap coming from the left. Maybe left side is usually men's and right side is usually women's, but sometimes they switch it up a little. ;) If I want to know if they're girl pants or boy pants I have to either check for embroidery or check the tag, haha.
Is the sizing thing usually true though?
For me personally, before I started trying to dress male, I couldn't tell the difference between male and female jeans. But now that I am, I feel like I pay attention to the tiniest of details, something I never did before, and probably most people don't.
So for me now, I can tell just by the cut of the jeans if they are male or female. Female jeans are made to form to your thighs and hips. female jeans like to be worn pulled right up to your crotch.
Male jeans are more loosely fit on the thighs and hips. and they are made to have a lot of extra space around the crotch, even if you don't wear your pants low.
Female jeans also seem to be tightest at the knee and flare out a little bit (more or less, depending on the style) by the ankles. Male jeans don't do this, they tend to just go straight down, at an angle, from the thighs.
Clothes are always made to accentuate a certain feature or look on a person. and female clothes are made to accentuate the desired female figure (curves). and Male clothes accentuate the desired male figure.
Quote from: Felix on December 05, 2011, 01:57:49 AM
Is the sizing thing usually true though?
Usually, but I have found some girl's jeans that go by waist and inseam. It's just not all that common.