I'm Max. Think that's about the simplest way to say it.
I'm here because lately my life has gotten about a thousand times more 'interesting', and sometimes I just have questions that I'd like an answer for that came from outside my own head. I've been what I'd define as 'ungendered' for years - I don't identify as my birth gender (female), but it doesn't make me unhappy that I am one. I continue to live life, and fail to agonize over it. I introduce myself as 'Max', present my gender as male online, and accept whatever belief or disbelief others bother to extend in my direction without much care. I think the easiest way to express it is 'I am me.' There are things about myself that I would change if I could, but the practical issues at hand prevent that at the current juncture in my life. As I have never gone to college and have no specialized skills, I am limited in how I can make a living. I work retail for a major chain store and live in the midwest with a room-mate to help make ends meet. I don't talk about my gender or sexuality with many others - and it doesn't make me miserable not to. I don't like it when others call me 'miss' or 'ma'am', but I can understand why they would and I don't hate them (or myself) for it - to me, that seems like it's not going to get me anywhere.
My major issue has been that I apparently continue to meet and 'inspire' other pre-transition, or pre-awareness transgendered folks without making any special effort to. I also have a huge issue with 'leading guys on', or at least I have been told that I do. Apparently because I like to hang out with guys and share my time doing things like watching movies, playing video games, etc, and don't freak out or throw six fits when they touch/hug or rough-house with me means that I'm 'coyly encouraging them to date me' or 'manipulating' them. It's an issue that I have resolved pretty much by isolating myself! There was a blow-up between my room-mate and myself this past summer that ran along the same lines, but was also attached to deeper issues that he had.
It was terrifying & frustrating for me to deal with these problems, related to his own realization of himself as MTF, and my utter inability to separate the (suspiciously coincidentally timed) changes in 'his' life with an inability to accept a 'no means no' from me. Time and patience has worked things out, and apparently it was only my own comfort with myself that gave her the courage to begin her transition. She is much further along than I am already, at my insistance that in order to move back in, she must see a councilor & etc, and has begun all kinds of things, and gotten her E script (Though financially things are currently too rough for her to afford it). That's her story, however!
I'd also begun a relationship with someone - I know saying 'I'm dating on the internet' is a little bit weird and probably requires it's own kind of support group, I don't even know, but to keep this simple - in the U.K. They promptly began their search for comfort in their own skin, with their own gender, and are moving forward rapidly.
Here's where I begin to feel a bit left behind, I guess. Because I'm older (28), have no family that is willing or able to support me should I lose my job, and like to be entirely self reliant, I'm at an impasse. I absolutely cannot afford to lose my job for any reason. I already dress in men's clothes there, and I keep my hair cut short, and I never bother to seem feminine - I'm accepted there as a woman. I have seen what happens to people where I work who are 'different' or 'don't work out as expected' and while it's never overt, usually their hours are reduced until they have maybe 1 day every 2-3 weeks, with the distinct feeling that the management hopes they'll lose track of when they work and have a no call, no-show & can then be fired for it. Before recently, I was totally cool with the way my life is going. I am who I am, and no one's opinion really matters to me more than my own. I am confident, smart, and I don't stress out or worry too much. It's just sometimes I feel a little envious when others are going forward so quickly, I guess.
On the one hand, I'm not sure I'll even like the results I get, but on the other I'm beginning to feel like I'm 'running out of time' - I've already lived so much of my life in the status quo, what does it matter if I live the rest of it this way, just so long as I'm not miserable? I don't know. Hard questions - the sort we all have, I guess!
Anyway, It's a pleasure to meet you all, and see that there are others out there - some fighting a thousand times harder than I am, and that's a fact I really respect and admire.
HI MAX! :icon_wave:
Jennifer
Hi Max,
Welcome to Susan's. It's good to hear you have such a level headed approach to life. Susan's is a good source of information and experience, drawn from such a wide family of diverse individuals.
I hope you enjoy your stay with us, I look forward to your positive contributions.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Hi Max, it's nice to meet you! Thanks for sharing a little about yourself with us. See you around, hugs, Tracey
Hi Max,it's nice to meet you.This is a great site.Hugs,Rachael.