Adventures in Purgatory
My first "coming out" Friday, to my girlfriend of about a year. We have had an interesting relationship. Many similar issues of body image, abuse, self-abuse. Before I started therapy at the gender clinic, I told her that I was going to start therapy for my body image and self-esteem issues, true, but not the whole truth. Friday, as we are cooking dinner, she tells me about her friend, whose birthday party we will be going to Saturday. This friend had gone to therapy with the intent of changing her/his gender (the pronouns get tricky), but had abandoned the attempt. We live about 80 miles away from each other, each on the far ends of a city. I had brought my suitcase just inside the doorway, with clothes to wear should I spend the night, but with the expectation that I could grab it and leave quickly, as I expected that would be the outcome.
She is seriously in love with me, and she needs to know. Anything else is unfair to her. I know I should tell her soon, and made up my mind that Friday was the day. She says, "lets go upstairs now". "In a bit, I have something to tell you... you know when you asked what I was going to therapy for? Well, there's something else. K.(her friend) and I have the same illness. Gender Identity Disorder." "What's that? (very still in my arms)" "You know when you wake up, and you know that you are a woman? I've never felt like I was a man. Ever. I've always had to consciously tell myself to behave like one".
More in this vein, both of us with tears streaming down. "Have you ever wanted a sex change operation?" "all my life, ever since I could remember." I wanted to leave, give her a chance to think. Take up the rest of the inevitable questions in the morning, if she didn't completely reject me. She refused to let me leave. She was afraid that if I left. I would be gone from her life forever. Quite possible. Urges to flee are no stranger to me. We laid in each others arms the whole night, not sleeping, weeping. I felt her shudder often, feeling her dreams fall from her with her tears, imagining her revulsion for me.
In the morning, over coffee.. we talk about our scars, our brokenness, each of us. How tender we are with each other. How much I felt accepted by her, free to be tender, feminine.. how healing we are to each other. We take a long walk in the country with dogs.. not speaking. We again sit, crying, caressing each other.. telling each other how sweet we are.. and how hard it is to hear a compliment, how hard it is for it to get through and feel genuine, and not feel it like a slap.
I tell her that I plan on being in therapy, following their suggestions and plans. That I have some small hope that maybe I can be ok with who I am. That I don't really know where it will lead, that I don't want to jump to conclusions about outcomes, but that I will be showing up on people's "Queer Radar"! "That's ok! I've been showing up on peoples radar for years!" (She has a boyish appearance and manner, often).
It's apparent that we want to stay in each other's life, but we don't know what changes will happen. We share love, and wish that to remain. She acknowledges that I am changing, trying to be able to live with who I am. A good start..
I have read once that heaven and hell exist.. but are not two. I think it was Chesterton who wrote that what else burns in purgatory, if not ego.
Blessings, Tara
Oh Tara,
It is not easy coming out, but it does sound like you did well. You have a very loving sensitive SO. You are blessed. Do be very gentle and open with her. She can help you and you can help her understand the changes that you will be going through together.
:)
Jillieann
I wish you very much luck Tara. This part is the hardest part really. Chin up, remember your compassion, courtesy and patients. Both your friend will likely need time and this process itself is lethargic.
In the end, it will hopefully work out for you and those you care about.
Smile, this is a ride very few ever experience, as such it is not wholly without redeeming value...