Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Kia Ora,

::) Just a poll to find out when members knew 100% they were [excuse the cliche] 'born into the wrong body'...What I mean by this is, prior to hearing the term 'transsexual' when were you convinced you were meant to be the opposite sex ?  I don't mean just feeling weird/confused about your gender; "I'm feeling weird about my body and feelings, but I don't quite know why ?" not that kind of knowing,[many of us have experienced this at a very young age]...More like "WOW ! Perhaps I was born into the wrong body and should have been a girl !"

::) I was 19 when it struck me, however it took many years of self denial before my metamorphosis was 'complete'...So my answer to the poll's question would be around 19 [late teens]...

::) So how about you ? When did it hit home ?

::) Were you an early bird ? Or late riser[realiser] ?

Metta Zenda :)

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was presenting the wrong gender by the age of five.

My convictions had been confirmed during the first stages of puberty when I had things happen to me, physiologically, that normal 12 year old boys did not go through.

Quote from: Annah on December 15, 2011, 10:11:12 PM
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was presenting the wrong gender by the age of five.

My convictions had been confirmed during the first stages of puberty when I had things happen to me, physiologically, that normal 12 year old boys did not go through.

Kia Ora Annah,

::) What was that ?

Metta Zenda :)

lol i would rather not say right now

When I was about five, I'd felt odd before that, in knowing I was like my sister, but I don't think I knew that my sister was any different to me before that. But she was wearing dresses and playing with dolls, I was playing with dolls but not wearing dresses and I sort of remember being odd.

Memories at that age are not accurate of course but I do recall some of it, possibly because it would have been a trauma experience.

When I was very young, at least 6 or so (I could read). I got out my mom's baby-book journal for my birth and was searching through it for evidence that she had a daughter, but they made the decision that they wanted a boy. Kind of eternally kicking myself now, at that point it should have been "DUH!" but I've pushed it down because I don't like to cause trouble :P Also, Ru Paul scared me when I was younger, maybe that had an effect. :laugh:

In retrospect, I think I subconsciously knew all my life, but it wasn't until the tail end of my thirties when I finally figured out what it was that had always felt so "off" all those years.  Now I have to deal with wanting to transition "right the f*** now!" while having to face the realities of the real world. I put on a wonderful air of patience most of the time, but inside I just want to scream in frustration at how slow things are progressing right now.

Dana, I just laughed out loud at your post :laugh: I'm only 23, but I can definitely relate to your feelings of everything moving so slow! I just want to come out to everyone at once, say deal with it, get a recommendation for HRT, hit the lottery, speed up time and be done. Entirely unrealistic and rash, but it's about time I have direction in this! Now I'm just worried I won't be able to afford/get approval for the things I need to do. The more I think about it the more I know I need it, and the worse I feel when I realize the timeline... :-\

Quote from: Dana_H on December 16, 2011, 05:15:34 AM
In retrospect, I think I subconsciously knew all my life, but it wasn't until the tail end of my thirties when I finally figured out what it was that had always felt so "off" all those years.  Now I have to deal with wanting to transition "right the f*** now!" while having to face the realities of the real world. I put on a wonderful air of patience most of the time, but inside I just want to scream in frustration at how slow things are progressing right now.

I think that's a pretty close description of where I am (though a little earlier in my thirties). And the funny thing is, I'll sometimes think of things from my past, when I would get so close, "feeling like a girl," and things like that, and... I think, growing up in a small town, I assumed that this was so rare that of course it couldn't be me. And also the fact that it hasn't made me suicidal... I'd think "it has to be worse" to do something about it.

Yeah, I want to transition. But I'm so scared of the consequences, especially since I work for a church. This congregation is so conservative that I can't imagine transitioning while working here. But it seems only a matter of "when," not "if." Transition will happen.

I've know since I was about 4 or so. One of my earliest memories was watching a kids show and there was someone on it who was making things happen with their mind, I thought "I can do that" and tried to use my mind to change myself, it didn't work.

I had to see transwomen to understand it.
Before that day (at age 9) I just knew there was something very off and wrong. I couldn't put my finger on what.
Then I saw a Donahue show that featured trans women.
I knew right then I was just like the women on the panel.
I mussed to myself I wans't a woman in a mans body, I was a girl in a boys body.
By the time I was 16 I knew for a fact that some day I would transition, it just took me until I was 41 to get off my butt and do something about it.

Kia Ora,

::) A link to another related poll/thread...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112378.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112378.0.html)

Metta Zenda :)

QuoteWhen did you know 'for sure' ?

I cannot recall a specific age, but it was my early twenties.

Quote from: cynthialee on December 16, 2011, 05:14:21 PM
I had to see transwomen to understand it.
Before that day (at age 9) I just knew there was something very off and wrong. I couldn't put my finger on what.
Then I saw a Donahue show that featured trans women.
I knew right then I was just like the women on the panel.
I mussed to myself I wans't a woman in a mans body, I was a girl in a boys body.
By the time I was 16 I knew for a fact that some day I would transition, it just took me until I was 41 to get off my butt and do something about it.

I wonder if thats the same Donahue episode that I saw? Thats episode made me realize it was possible to do something about it.
I'm also 41, just started to get off my butt too.

Quote from: michelle666 on December 17, 2011, 03:39:42 AM
I wonder if thats the same Donahue episode that I saw? Thats episode made me realize it was possible to do something about it.
I'm also 41, just started to get off my butt too.

Maybe, wouldn't that be interesting?

The episode that triggered it for me had a panel of 5 post op women. 3 of them had bad surgical results. One of them had a half way decent result and only one of them had what could be considered a good surgical result.
The point of the show was that even though the majority of the women on the panel had a poor surgical outcome they were all happy with the fact they transitioned.

I knew right then and there that I didn't care if I had a lousy end result, I wanted the surgery imediatly.
Just took me a long assed time to do anything about it.....

Quote from: cynthialee on December 17, 2011, 06:22:30 PM
Maybe, wouldn't that be interesting?

The episode that triggered it for me had a panel of 5 post op women. 3 of them had bad surgical results. One of them had a half way decent result and only one of them had what could be considered a good surgical result.
The point of the show was that even though the majority of the women on the panel had a poor surgical outcome they were all happy with the fact they transitioned.

I knew right then and there that I didn't care if I had a lousy end result, I wanted the surgery imediatly.
Just took me a long assed time to do anything about it.....

It might be the same show, there was one girl on there who was on the younger side, she had long dark wavy-ish hair and she said that she had a bad outcome from having sex right after surgery and she didnt any feeling down there at all.

Quote from: openheart on December 16, 2011, 05:56:20 AM
I think that's a pretty close description of where I am (though a little earlier in my thirties). And the funny thing is, I'll sometimes think of things from my past, when I would get so close, "feeling like a girl," and things like that, and... I think, growing up in a small town, I assumed that this was so rare that of course it couldn't be me. And also the fact that it hasn't made me suicidal... I'd think "it has to be worse" to do something about it.

I can remember even in elementary school hearing the usual "sex change" jokes, but it never really impacted on my consciousness that switching from one to the other was actually a real possibility. I spent most of my life feeling that there was something not quite right with me, but I could never put a name to it. As I got older, I just chalked it up to being a geek. It wasn't until much later in life that various circumstances brought transgender/transsexualism into my active awareness, as I've discussed elsewhere.

Now that I understand better, I think back on things like building a kit dollhouse for my sister one Christmas and how much I wished I could have one (not permitted), or the many times my sister and I would dress up in my grandmother's outfits when we were little (I never seemed to feel any interest whatsoever in raiding my grandfather's closet in similar fashion), and so much about my early life makes sooo much more sense in a transgender context.

Of course, the real clincher was when I started being aware of myself as female in my dreams and how calm and happy I felt after those dreams. I'm not always aware of my gender in my dreams, but when I do I am invariably a woman.

Sometimes, I feel a real sense of loss that I was not able to grow up as a girl and experience high school and college as a young woman. Those doors are forever closed to me (in this lifetime, anyhoo). Even if I were to transition and go back to college for another degree as a woman, it would be a very different experience.

 I knew for sure when I started hormones at seventeen. However, I knew that I was trans pre-teen; I just had no way to prove it.

I knew I was gay at 11, trans at the same time too.

In my world, they are as one.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on December 28, 2011, 12:39:08 AM
I knew I was gay at 11, trans at the same time too.

In my world, they are as one.

Kia Ora Elle,

::) Very interesting  ::) Most intriguing....

::) A serious question[and yes at times I am serious, well sort of as best as I can be under the present circumstances] Are you seeing a gender therapist ? And if so have you told them about your self identification ? [That is "gayboy"-"transgirl"  split/blended persona ] What do/did they have to say about it ?

::) I'm just being nosy, so you don't really have to answer this....But if you want to be my guest...

Metta Zenda :)

I knew at a young age that I was born into the wrong body but I wouldn't say there was one exact time I knew for sure, more like sequences.   In the 3rd grade I learned that girls start to develop breasts and get periods and how to properly wash down there and the whole thought of that just horrified me.  I wanted to wash like a male and learn how to take care of my body like a male.  Four years later to even now it REALLY started to hit me when I tried masturbation.  I felt/still feel no pleasure from it because it is not the genitals I'm supposed to have.  I would be jealous of others who could orgasm from masturbation.  That's when the confirmation started to be a heavy hitter.

I grew up a very sheltered thing, thus I was 'blissfully unaware' of any differences between my peers and I. At the same time I've always felt male to my core. You know how some folks tell their kids they can be whatever they want? As a result, I believed that whatever was mismatched about my body would be corrected in the future as I grew older. Oh, how misleading.

I then went through an unhealthy period of denial. It didn't really hit me when I was around 19. Until then, I thought I was the only one... I never knew it was possible to transition to male. Finding out about that possibility was like a reawakening, I suppose.

 i new for sure at the age of 10

4-5, it was some of my earliest memories..

One of my earliest memories is, at around 3 1/2-4 years old, putting my mom's makeup on, looking at myself in the mirror - then my father coming in and being utterly mortified at what I was doing. His reaction pretty much scared me out of doing much else, ever again. The time that I first quite 'put it into words' was when I was 11, and getting onto the internet for the first time - on AOL. I discovered the chat rooms and instant messages - and when people asked who I was, I never said the 'truth'. I told the truth insofar as what I felt - and when I was 13, I finally learned that I could do something about my predicament...

I doubt that children have any gender identity before about 6 years old.Before that they all play together as equals.It is in First Grade that they start separating out, at least that is the way it was when I was in first grade in 1954-55.It was at that time that we first started spending time in the summer with my monther's sister who lived in the country. I always preferred to play with her daughters rather than with her sons, who were younger.Naturally in a few years this was discouraged.I went to Catholic school where we wore uniforms. I used to envy the girls their skirts and , in the winter, tights and long socks(some so long they went over the knee covering most of the tights, and of course their long hair.Back in the fifties no boy, of course, wore long hair.It was towards the end of first grade that my grades started droping because my mind was so confused, so I guess it was about age 7. But it is difficult to say when you were ABSOLUTELY certain.

Quote from: CindyLouCovington on February 05, 2012, 05:00:48 PM
I doubt that children have any gender identity before about 6 years old.Before that they all play together as equals.It is in First Grade that they start separating out, at least that is the way it was when I was in first grade in 1954-55.It was at that time that we first started spending time in the summer with my monther's sister who lived in the country. I always preferred to play with her daughters rather than with her sons, who were younger.Naturally in a few years this was discouraged.I went to Catholic school where we wore uniforms. I used to envy the girls their skirts and , in the winter, tights and long socks(some so long they went over the knee covering most of the tights, and of course their long hair.Back in the fifties no boy, of course, wore long hair.It was towards the end of first grade that my grades started droping because my mind was so confused, so I guess it was about age 7. But it is difficult to say when you were ABSOLUTELY certain.

Well maybe you didn't till later but I used to lay in bed wishing and praying that I would wake up a girl. I had a lot of disappointed mornings. I don't think many boys stay up at night doing that..

I've struggled with my gender identity my whole life. I can remember being around 6 years old and telling people, "I know I look like a girl, but I'm really supposed to be a boy." and I figured one day I would just turn into one. Then I kept having phases where I would be really girly and try and like it, but then I would always go back to being more boy-ish and felt so much more comfortable. I'm really not uber-masculine, but I don't mind my feminine traits, just my feminine features. When I look in the mirror I think, "If I were a man, I'd be so attractive." But as a girl, I feel like I just look odd and wrong.

I was 4 when I learned the anatomical differences between boys and girls and I felt that I had the wrong parts.

I was 6 when I began to think a lot about gender and wished I could be turned into a girl.

I was 11 when I learned what would happen at puberty and I was horrified.  It was also when I first learned about SRS and I knew I wanted it.

I was 17 when I first started thinking seriously about transition.

I was 24 when I decided to transition.

Around the age of 7 is when I knew for sure what was wrong. I held that in for about 18 years until I finally decided to do something.

the furthest back that i can remember would be at 3 years old. i've always known i was suposed to be a boy/man. and always fought my mother on the apropriate style of clothing. i always wore boys clothes as a kid, and she always wanted me to be girly and wear dresses.  i didnt know what transsexuals were untill i was 20 years old (extremely sheltered childhood...). so when i was 19 i came out as lesbian. because i thought that it must have been what i was because i like girls. when, really i'm just a straight guy in a womans body. :/ go figure. lol.

R U OK Zenda?

I miss your postings

Well, all throughout childhood I was pretty boyish. I knew that I didn't fit in with the female groups at school, so I hung out with the boys, played rough sports, got in fights throughout my teenage life and took much pride in fighting like a man. As I got older I didn't really think much about it, I just thought what everyone else thought; I'm just a tomboy. I kinda came to the realization that something was kind of off about me though when I first started using the internet, since literally the first thing I ever did on the internet at the age of 12 was go into a chat room, and lie about my sex. I acted the way I normally acted, I just didn't like being seen as a female, and the internet seemed like the perfect place to be seen the way I wanted to, since people couldn't really see me, and no one took a second thought about it. I did that for years and years (still do). I knew about transsexuals, but I didn't really put much thought much about how it concerned me, I just lived my life. It wasn't until recently that I've started thinking about why I act the way I act, why I have such low self esteem and why I really don't like my body and it just kinda hit me....I would say it was a pretty slow hit though. First I just kinda came to the realization that there's more FtM's than I thought, then everything just slowly started clicking. I was in a bit of denial at first, but then I started thinking about how boyish I always acted since childhood, how much penis envy I had growing up, how I always related to males and always wanted to just blend into a male crowd without sticking out, how I always enjoyed being viewed as a man on the internet more than anything, how I always wished I would be viewed as a man in the real world.
I guess it took about two years to come fully to terms with it, so I would say I didn't fully know until I was about 20.

Well, for me it was when I was 4 years old.  My mom caught me wearing one of my sisters dresses and she took a picture.  It was in the family album for a few years until it mysteriously disappeared, lol. 

I knew the difference between boys and girls, but I still thought I was a girl anyway.  For the next 5 years or so I insisted I was a girl, but wasn't getting anywhere with my parents (bick wall) so I gave up and pretended to be a boy, going through the horrors of puberty.

And here I am now, about to stop pretending to be a male.  Let the good times roll!!

I put "early teens" because that's when I started to masquerade online as a gay, male-bodied teen.  It felt much more right than saying I was female.  Since then I've only put 'female' on my online billing accounts.  Otherwise I'm entirely male online.

When I had my epiphany, only ~ 2 years back.

Before that? All sorts of stuff but NEVER 'for sure'?

Axélle

Quote from: Axélle on May 21, 2012, 11:38:52 AM
Before that? All sorts of stuff but NEVER 'for sure'?

I tend to agree with this.

I don't know anything for sure. I only know how I feel. And those feelings have constantly changed over the course of my life as I've constantly assessed and re-assessed my thoughts, emotions and attitudes. For me there wasn't one particular prophetic moment of sudden realisation, it's been a process of self-discovery that's taken my entire life to-date. An ever-flowing river of reflection rather than a bursting dam. At this point, I know how I feel. That's all I can really say. This river of reflection has, at various times, changed in depth, width, even developed tumultuous rapids along the way, yet has always followed a certain course. I suppose that could be equated to the perception of being mentally different to ones physical self. In that, it would have to have begun at the beginning, when I was first able to feel and think.

Quote from: Sephirah on May 21, 2012, 12:02:17 PM
I tend to agree with this.

I don't know anything for sure. I only know how I feel. And those feelings have constantly changed over the course of my life as I've constantly assessed and re-assessed my thoughts, emotions and attitudes. For me there wasn't one particular prophetic moment of sudden realisation, it's been a process of self-discovery that's taken my entire life to-date. An ever-flowing river of reflection rather than a bursting dam. At this point, I know how I feel. That's all I can really say. This river of reflection has, at various times, changed in depth, width, even developed tumultuous rapids along the way, yet has always followed a certain course. I suppose that could be equated to the perception of being mentally different to ones physical self. In that, it would have to have begun at the beginning, when I was first able to feel and think.

Now the question (for another thread?): When does/did this 'river' finally flow into the 'sea'?

The 'sea' meaning it reached it's destination...

Not to divert the thread, but... once we know for sure, at least I had TO TAKE ACTION.
The action in my case we know - SRS.
This in a way IS like the 'river reaching the sea' (for me).
Rapids, diversions, billabongs? are behind - and things get a LOT more quite. A LOT.
Once reaching the sea, the 'quest' is pretty much over.
Now we have to deal with the 'sharks' and the 'pirates' and the 'polluters' making it often too murky and smelly for comfort.

Some folks NEVER know 'for sure' EVER...
That becomes like a stagnant river arm, a billabong - full of crocodiles.
Hence, being up to your neck in crocodiles? I personally --- don't like that.
Just MY reflections on the subject,
Axélle

Quote from: Stephanie_b on May 21, 2012, 11:02:06 AM
Well, for me it was when I was 4 years old.  My mom caught me wearing one of my sisters dresses and she took a picture.  It was in the family album for a few years until it mysteriously disappeared, lol. 

I knew the difference between boys and girls, but I still thought I was a girl anyway.  For the next 5 years or so I insisted I was a girl, but wasn't getting anywhere with my parents (bick wall) so I gave up and pretended to be a boy, going through the horrors of puberty.

And here I am now, about to stop pretending to be a male.  Let the good times roll!!

Pretty much my story as well...those teen years were SO confusing!!!

I have always liked girls and going out woth them and getting "close" was quite frustrating, I would look at their "girl parts" and wonder why in the world didnt I get those, I ended up with a disconnect from my boy parts which has caused issues then and now many years later.

I've had the desire to take hormones for about a year and half and I guess wanting to do that was the closest I came to "knowing for sure," so around 19. If I had had the choice I would have chosen to be a girl since a young age, but I felt like I could never successfully live up to the gender roles for girls. I also saw transsexuals as some kind of weird thing and not "real women" (although I wanted them to do whatever they needed to be happy), so there was no way I would have identified as trans. I identified with women, not trans people. I still get surprised when a cis women is less than understanding. I feel like if we're both women they should understand.

Since about 14/15 I was very interested in orchiectomy... not exactly a typical "male" fixation but there are SOME men who seek it out.

Last week.