I just posted some comments on my surgery at Charing Cross, London with pics of results if you're interested
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112435.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112435.0.html)
Physically my problems are over and I'm happy enough with the result.
I don't pass too well, but I am always treated as female and seem to be reasonably accepted by born women. I get the occasional yob shouting abuse but it's not often enough to be a problem.
The hard part is dealing with the deeper psychological baggage of my previous life, 50 years of living as someone I didn't want to be.
I've always felt like an alien and as if my life was a performance, constantly evaluating what I was projecting to my audience.
I didn't pay attention to or absorb things related to female life and in some respects put up a facade of macho derision. Over time, some amount of that seeped into me and became an actual part of who I am. Now it's difficult to leave it behind.
I'm conscious of all the stuff that females just learn as they grow up and live their lives which I don't have or know - my missing girlhood.
Most of all, I simply ran away from Life in my mid-teens and absorbed myself in playing the guitar and getting stoned.
I became a bit of a loner and only really knew other musicians or other dope smokers. Now that I no longer play or smoke dope AND have transitioned, they are gone. In any case I wouldn't have anything to talk to them about any more, we no longer have any common ground.
Oddly, I seem to have been well liked in general all my life, despite my flaws and idiosyncrasies, people still seem to like me now.
So now I find myself in a strange place.
Having never been very keen to socialise in my prior life, I now very much want to and whilst I do have some basic social skills there is a big problem.
I have nothing to talk about. I don't know enough about women's topics to properly participate so I'm more a listener and probably socially unrewarding for them.
I can't or don't want to talk about my prior life because to do so just keeps bringing up the fact that I'm different and reminds them of that - hardly helpful in fitting into the group.
At this later stage of life, people are settled into routines, husbands, grandchildren and lifelong friendships. Finding a space for ones self amongst that is difficult. There is a general problem of loneliness in the mid age group but the additional barrier of being trans and having led a life which was fairly solitary or else centered around music/dope adds an extra layer of complication.
I want to go out and dance, and giggle with the girls ....... but they all did that 35 years ago.
The best female friends I've made have been much younger than me, so there again I'm the odd one - older AND trans.
I don't have that reckless enthusiasm that youth has and I'm too intelligent to find much reward in vaccuous chat about soap-operas and suchlike.
I'm happy enough in myself, but working out where I fit and finding my place is proving harder than I thought.
I need those missing years. :-\
Hi,
In other words you did not have a life pretty much.so missed out due to what you did,,
Okay , lets look at groups have you joined any what hobbys do you have apart from music,
The best way will tell some of what im doing & am.
Im 64 been marred we have 3 grown up adults & 9 grandkids. Im allso different I S = intersexed. so not a dresser or trans
Clothes never interested me & i could not change from male to female or other way,
I live as a woman in my own right, accepted fully dont have the facial feeaturs of a woman & no womb & whats needed ,
Yet im very well accepted in women only groups & world wide. in fact im a member of 7 & some are mixed as well im a tradesman builder & other trades as well worked for 46 years & now retired, i have a life that is neat lovely & is fun i meet 1000's of people & Just get on with people .
interests , well two period groups & we dress in Edwardian 1900 to 1910 & Renaissnce 1400 to 1700 we have many members , I make my own garb & clothes. Im in to music & have played in bands & sang in choirs .
As to womens groups we talk about any thing & every thing ages from 30 to 70 's
I talk about my past because thats what & who i am about yes i am a woman & does that make any difference ,that i was perceved as male well i dont think some few 1000 people iv talked with & to they dont have any issues,
How i grow up is part of my make up & i wont change because with out my past what is there,
To me thats like saying i dont have a life i dont bye that. im proud of being a ........tradesman ........46 years of does not change who i am as a woman,
Yes there were a few things i did & dont like about my self how i look well thats tough im long over that , i hated boy & male clothes , well again im over that as well plus i had a lot of other issues most i have worked through yet none of those stop me from being a woman,,,so you see we must use what we have & take what we can use & dont put stumbling blocks in front of us because we wont get any were ,
iv got so much going for my self now just nothing like i had before , i have more friends & did not loose any ,
Im sorry you are haveing issues with not intergrating in to our womens world , it can take time , for my self it started at age 10 & being female inmany ways was there just not as open as it is now for myself I can express who i am ,
A strange place ,, yes in no mans land i was there for all most 62 years , & just the last few weeks iv come to realise im not there any more im away from there & i thought id allways be there, .
Over the last 3 years i have been growing yes as a woman & you know what when we allow our selfs too its a neat time , & it does take time , iv had 16 years a time of prep some learning some heartaches some fun & tears, & yes one ...HELL....of 8 years to get through not just myself Jos as well & even tho we strugled she helped in so many ways, & many many others have as well.
May be not what you wont to hear from some one whos insane nuts & mad...yet this is our life, Jos & myself some 37 years of the good & hard yet we both are far stronger for what we went through together,
Some thing iv reaised is as i was growing up i was not forced in to a role i really had a free hand , Mum & i, the only detail was i wore boys clothes tho hated,,,,, yet for all that, i was quite happy even if i was shut down some what i did express my femaleness it was allways there because it was picked up on as i found out some years latter.
Can i encourage you to join some womens groups & have a think about other things you may be interested in , I did sewing from about age 11 on & i never thought id be a member of period dress groups & do other hobbys & things ,
You know the saying .....think out side that damm box......i'll tell ya its worth it,
All the best..
...noeleena...
I will tell you what I was told: "STOP THINKING AND GO PLAY!!!!!!"
I have a nice social life and my life started four years ago. I don't put my past in front of me.