Okay so I'm out to all of my friends and family and all but 2 are supportive (I don't talk to them often so it's not a big deal). And I completely understand that it's going to take people time to adjust to a new name and pronouns, but sometimes it feels like people aren't even making an effort. I have some that adjusted right away and there isn't a problem and there are some that catch themselves and correct themselves, but others aren't even making an effort to say Paul or use male pronouns. In a sense it kind of feels like a slap and the face. Using the correct name and pronouns shows not only support, but also respect for the person you care about. I find myself getting VERY frustrated with these people and avoiding them as much as possible (which isn't necessarily the way I want to go about this process).
How long did it take for people to adjust to your new name and pronouns? And how did you handle any frustrations/anger?
People who don't even try aren't being respectful. I tend to explain that to them and ask them nicely to use the correct name and pronouns, and if they still don't even try it ruins my ability to interact with them.
With me, most people adjusted pretty quickly. I think that's partly because I spent a few years being socially dead, and so most people I know either met me recently or saw how much happier I am as Felix.
Well that's just the thing, everyone keeps saying how much happier they can tell that I am...yet they're not switching how they refer to me. Explain to me how that makes sense. I mean most that don't say Paul say my old nickname PJ which is gender neutral, but I was using PJ to cover up a 1st name I hated and also because I didn't have to admit that I'm female. Now I have a 1st name I love though and I prefer my 1st name rather than a nickname. Not to mention I'm finally being seen as male as I've always identified.
I would make it clear I prefer Paul over PJ. With pronouns I would correct them as soon as they say the wrong ones.
Quote from: Logan Erik on December 17, 2011, 05:06:57 PM
Yeah, that's frustrating. It feels like they're never going to come around, but if they really are trying to be supportive, they will eventually. Feels blatantly disrespectful, but they're probably just doing it out of habit, not realizing how important it is to you, rather than out of spite. Of course, I don't know these people. Small consolation anyway, but unless they're resisting the transition, I think they'll come around eventually.
I came out in July and asked them to switch over, and I'm only just feeling like folks are making any real effort. However, the only 'correcting' I have ever done was when one brother actually said the name, and I would instantly say, 'that's not my name.' I can't bring myself to correct my mother, grandparents... Correcting them will help especially with pronouns, but I personally loathe having to remind people what gender I am. >:( Consequently I have to put up with a lot more mistakes, but that's my choice.
I came out this past summer/early fall so I'm in that same position. Problem is with my new name PJ can still technically be a nickname so people get mad (not sure why) when they say PJ and I say that's not my name, it's Paul. They're always like "well didn't you go with Paul Joseph? It's still PJ." That's not the point though; that's not what I want to be called. I feel like an ass correcting people all of the time and I don't want people thinking it's all I talk about, but in the same breath, the less I say something the longer I'm going to be dealing with it :-/
About two days ago, I had to explain the whole "respect" and "support" thing of using correct pronouns when talking about me to strangers to my mom. When I come home, I've noticed that she has this tendency to refer to me as she when she's introducing me to people or involved with a conversation with me and someone else. I've always corrected her during the conversation, and if not then after, so there is no reason she shouldn't understand that it bothers me, but I'm pretty sure she failed to see what it's so important. I had to tell her that not only is it embarrassing to me, but it makes me feel like she's not totally respecting me or my identity. My parents know I'm hormones and actually were part of the process of me starting them; yes, I know I am lucky compared to other trans-folks, but I feel that anyone who even claims to "be there" for me should try there best to get my pronouns right and know why it's important that they do.
Exactly. There is a difference between support and acceptance/respect and I don't think people see the difference. Just because you say you're supportive and I need to be myself doesn't really mean much if you're still saying "she" and referring to me by my old name. I have a somewhat decent size social circle so I feel like I'd be having the conversation all of the time which can be annoying, but again I hate being referred to as a female even more though.
I know how it is, man. I'm coming up on 6 months on T and while most people have finally made the consistent switch to male pronouns, one family member is still holding back. It's my aunt, and what's confusing is we're really close. We can sit and talk for hours. She says she supports me, that she sees how much happier I am... but the first pronoun out of her mouth in reference to me is NEVER "he." Even other people have told her that isn't cool, but she says it's a force of habit. Maybe that's true, but it's such bull->-bleeped-<- to hear it from someone I really like. Even my own mother, who took the news the hardest, is great about using male pronouns. I haven't heard a slip-up from her in more than a month. And she sees me unbound every day. I don't see what's making it more difficult for my aunt. Then I get paranoid and wonder if she's doing it on purpose to kind of undermine me... I really wish people could understand how important this is. And like you, I feel like a dick if I have to step in and keep correcting them. (My fears of this were justified early in transition when my mother reacted harshly and negatively to even gentle correcting.) People get defensive if they're corrected, and I don't want to instill that reaction into a family member. But hell, I get defensive when I'm mislabeled, so I guess it's only fair to fight back against it. Still... god, this is one of the hardest things to do. good luck.
well my family took a while, i came out to them in the winter then next september i had people at school call me parker and use male pronouns then in december of last year they came around and really started making an effort. now nearly everyone calls me parker and he (except for kids at school and my maternal grandpa they use the wrong pronouns) and some of my other relatives make mistakes.
Quote from: Paul on December 17, 2011, 03:37:26 PM
Okay so I'm out to all of my friends and family and all but 2 are supportive (I don't talk to them often so it's not a big deal). And I completely understand that it's going to take people time to adjust to a new name and pronouns, but sometimes it feels like people aren't even making an effort. I have some that adjusted right away and there isn't a problem and there are some that catch themselves and correct themselves, but others aren't even making an effort to say Paul or use male pronouns. In a sense it kind of feels like a slap and the face. Using the correct name and pronouns shows not only support, but also respect for the person you care about. I find myself getting VERY frustrated with these people and avoiding them as much as possible (which isn't necessarily the way I want to go about this process).
How long did it take for people to adjust to your new name and pronouns? And how did you handle any frustrations/anger?
if people honestly cant respect you then dont resept them either, fell free to miss pronouce them all you want, all the time,
My brother did it almost right away. My grandparents took two years after my coming out. I'm not on T or anything, but at some point, they just realized that it was important to me and picked up on it. My mom avoids using names mostly, and tried using 'he' once but then immediately withdrew, haha. She's getting there in her own way. My other family members have made no effort.
When I get angry about it, I just remind myself that they can call me whatever they want. It's their denial. It doesn't change who I am or what I'm doing. For me, it was a matter of determining where I end and others begin...there's a clear line between my identity and their perceptions. Clear boundaries between their choice of words and my sense of self. The two can never mingle. I'm not saying I still don't get uncomfortable when people mess up, but I just keep these ideas in mind and it keeps me strong.
It's annoying. I wish I knew a quick fix.
OTOH my 87 year old grandfather who I barely see once a year if that not only nailed the pronouns he also, when talking to my son, referred to me as dad. And he's known me just as long as my mother has lol as well as barely seen me enough to be used to using male pronouns.
Jay
QuoteJust because you say you're supportive and I need to be myself doesn't really mean much if you're still saying "she" and referring to me by my old name.
I agree.
And also, it might mean little because my daughter thinks I hung the moon, but as soon as she got done asking questions and understood that I was male, she switched completely to "daddy" and "he." She never slips up, and she corrects other people who misgender me. It's hard for me not to see this as an illustration of the notion that if people believed me, they'd switch pronouns just fine. That may be too harsh a standard, though.
That's the thing, I have little ones in my family too. However I made a point of telling my cousin months ago so that she could have time to tell her 5 year old before everyone else found out so that it was coming from HER and not someone else. Same with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. However neither of them talked to the kids and now they're getting pissed because I'm asking people to call me Paul instead and other family members are adapting and the kids don't know yet. My sister-in-law and I actually got into a heated tiff yesterday about all of this. I COMPLETELY understand it's going to take time, but at least try for cryin' out loud.
I really hope it gets better for you. It can feel invalidating when people don't try to respect your identity. I feel bad when people misgender me by accident, and terrible when it's intentional.
Except the other day I had a stranger do it, and it just kinda felt weird but didn't bother me. I was at the checkout at Ross, and the girl at the register ran my bankcard, heard my daughter clearly call me "daddy," and then looked me right in the eye and said "have a nice evening, LADIES." Emphasis hers. She seemed to be looking for an argument or something, but it wasn't worth it to me. People are funny.
That's exactly why I never use my bank card anymore except for gas which is pay at the pump. I want to be minimize the chances of misgendering as much as possible. I'm just waiting on the judge to review my petition so hopefully soon it will have my new name and it won't be a big deal. Sucks about the store dude. Some people just don't get it.