First off, I just want to clear up a slight bit of confusion, some folks on here seem to think that my name is Jaded or Jade or something along those lines. The screenname just is a play on my nature of being an always skeptical, somewhat sarcastic individual. The name is actually Cadence, or Cade for short.
So for those of you viewers just now joining us, the cliffs:
I am a 31 year old trans woman that found the key to me this year and with that key I have unlocked my own little chest (which is growing,... lol) which contained the map to finally put all the pieces of this puzzle called my life together. So yeah, this boy, ain't a boy and what my mind had been subconsciously fighting all this time has finally surfaced.
SOooooooooo with that said, I began seeing a therapist whom forwarded me to my endocrinologist whom gave me the little magic beans that have been my ticket towards the life I should have always lived.
I know, to some it might sound overly dramatic, but I am sure for some other of you reading this, I am sure that feeling is one that is shared.
Fast forward 3 months and here I am typing away....
Since beginning my transition I am finally for the first time in my life, on my way to true happiness far surpassing any mile marker I have ever been able to attain prior.
Most of the time when I read similar threads I see people concentrate on physical and emotional changes and I will get there too but this change, this transition has helped me in ways I never would have thought.
I don't know when this really occured as there never was a single "Heureka" moment, but I have attained a focus and level of mental and emotional clarity about what path I want my life to take that is like a laser.
I have decided that I want to commit my life to the aid and help of others in the LGBT community and to that end, I am returning to school to complete a BA in Psychology and then go on to a Postgradeuate degree with a Masters in Social Work so that I can go for licensing as a clinical social worker.
I have already done all the paperwork and have re-enrolled at my alma mater to this end and have for the most part, lined up the financing to do so.
I know it is a hard pill to swallow (pardon the pun) to delay the surgeries I feel I need to complete my transition as there is no way I would be able to afford both, but I think my mental soundness and peace will never be there if I only concentrate on making myself physically whole only.
I am fully committed to continuing with HRT and the like and as it stands, I plan on beginning to live full time this coming fall.
Now on to the fun stuff!
As it is simply my nature, I am skeptical about everything and analyze certain things to death, especially in my own head, so I always take with a grain of salt any "changes" since HRT which are not clearly visible. As such, I will leave it up to you dear reader as to what you consider HRT related and what not.
I will begin with what I have experienced mentally/emotionally.
Overall Mood
I have to say that without a doubt, my overall demeanor and mood has improved dramatically. I \just feel content most of the time with a sense of duty to move forward that I never had. I am still somewhat impatient but can "discuss with and convince myself" that I just need to take it one day at a time and that I am on the right track.
Emotional coping skills.
Remember all those mental tools and emotional blocks you had as a man? Yeah, toss those right out the window. It seems my entire complex structure of coping mechanisms no longer apply. It is like trying to put on a suit that fit yesterday but today it would stand a better chance of fitting a horse. I am more careful about with whom and to what extent I allow myself to be vulnerable. I feel much more confident and far less interested in spending time on what others might think about me. Some will accept me and some won't and I won't waste my time trying to convince them otherwise.
Libido and... um... yeah.
I know, you might think I miscategorized this but I firmly believe (again, pardon the pun) that sexuality is far more to do with what is between your ears than down south.
As such (and with a wonderful, amazing, loving, gorgeous partner of 11 years) we have put on a delicate balancing act of rediscovering one another and the love we share.
She has watched and experienced with amazement all of these changes and I have to say, I never had any issues in the bedroom and always received very positive responses from my partners but since the transition beginning, I have had my eyes opened to all the new sensations and possibilities. I never realized the level of sensuality and passion and intimacy... and that is just in the foreplay.
I know the kiddies might be reading and some things I think a lady shouldn't divulge so that is all I will say about the matter.
Physical changes.
Skin
My skin overall has become far softer with a more consistant complexion and much smaller pores. So much so that my face actually is smoother and with smaller pores than my partner which is quite a feat.
...and FAAAAAR less hairy (not like I was a sasquatch to begin with,) but other a bit of arm and leg hair and a tiny little bit on my lower back, it is all gone. Even what has remained has already gone almost transparant in color and has become very fine.
Too bad my facial hair has not received the memo that it is no longer welcome but I am starting laser treatment tomorrow so after some carpet bombing by the ol red light, I'll be seeing an electrologist to give the straglers the old heave ho.
Weight redistribution and hormone voodoo.
Although I have lost a little weight I have had my partner and then others make note of certain things that I was definately not expecting.
Not like I had linebacker shoulders but they have gotten much less defined and "dropped" a bit to a more female shape. Also, my feet have gotten a slight bit smaller. My female shoe size used to be a very solid 12 and now those 12's all feel a bit loose and I am getting more towards an 11 / 11.5.
Another strange experience that my partner has made note of is that the shape of my eyes has changed a little. I have not been able to lock down exactly what she sees, but oh well.
Another strange thing that multiple people have noted is that my hands have taken on a slightly smaller but definately more feminine shape.
My butt and legs which have always had a nice shape are getting even more femme with the moving around of fat, decrease in muscle definition and improved skin.
Scent and sweat.
What can I say, with a male chemistry, a hot day and plenty of physical exertion, I could stink with the best of em. That is all gone. My basic scent is very neutral and even after heavy physical exertion, what sweat I do expel is minute and pretty much odorless. I REALLY dig this change btw. LOL
"Functionality" (you know what I mean)
Well almost a week into HRT there was no longer any morning reminder of what is down there. Both my partner and I can "command attention" when required but that area has become much less important in the overall scheme of things, especially since... well you read the "libido" part.
Also, the end "result" has become a much smaller amount but does arrive with FAR more sensation and duration. I can only assume that it would be more similar to what a woman experiences naturally.
Chest. (You thought I forgot, eh?)
These were a little slow to do anything but I chalked it up to the fact that my endo was very cautious and started me on a low Estrogen dose (which has since tripled).
Well since doubling and then a month later tripling the initial dose, my chest is on 24/7 FIRE.
Although I wouldn't really call it anything more than maybe a AA but all of that has only been in the last 30-45 days or so. There is DEFINATELY a more female nipple and underlying breast tissue going on.
I am looking forward to seeing where we go from here.
So after my encyclopedia size entry I await your comments and such. For those of you that just read the whole thing, I applaud your attention span. LOL
I enjoyed reading this, Cadence! I am glad your transition is going well. Congratulations on going back to school; your career path choice is totally awesome and I wish you the best! :)