I'd like to set him on fire and watch him explode, but is this healthy? What do trans women do with the anger, the loathing, the sickness, the fear, the horror, the misery, the bitterness, the hatred of their male faces, bodies, and lives? How can I become this new person if I can't make peace with James first? ???
I've never been manly so I've never been a man, just a girl in a male body.
But you don't have to "make peace" with your former self, just do what you gotta do to transition and things will fall into place.
the day after I chnaged my nameand told everyone I was transitioning I had a bonfire of all the male stuff and felt that was the end of him.
Hmm are'nt you really still one and the same?of course the outside changes..but its not like 2 diiferent people inside is it?ive always thought its more like im playing a part pretending to be normal to everyone else
I love my male self and miss him. He was such an awesome guy.....
He taught me a lesson and that you can't deny who you once were and made me a much stronger person. He still lives inside of me.
Quote from: sysm29 on December 22, 2011, 02:26:51 AMHow can I become this new person if I can't make peace with James first? ???
You can't. You need to self accept who you once were and use that person to elevate who you are now.
I haven't started my physical transition but I certainly don't hate my male self. What I hate is my male characteristics. This person is me - but just not the reflection of me that I'd like. I may have a different viewpoint but I never understood the 'bonfire' concept. I don't like being male but it'd be like destroying a major part of my life. I've been in this body for 20 years. I'd like it different but it is still mine. And I am still me.
I wasn't technically a man before transition.
I was cute ghey boy that listened to too much pop.
But i liked him, he left me something nice to work with.
Quote from: JoeyD on December 22, 2011, 03:53:53 AM
I wasn't technically a man before transition.
I was cute ghey boy that listened to too much pop.
But i liked him, he left me something nice to work with.
I wasn't much of a ghey "man" either...I was one of the girls, always.
In a way... yes! I hate him. He kept me locked away and hidden from the world. Yet, He did his best to protect me from harm. He was a good man and I know that many people miss him. But, John couldn't stand to keep me locked up anymore. And so he gently took my hand, stepped aside and let me free.
There was a sad look in his eyes when he did so. For he knew that I would be taking a very hard path in life. He knew that we would lose family and friends. And it hurt us both dearly. But he also knew that I would go on with his strength and stubborn determination. And I would forever be myself.
That's my romantic way of looking at it. ^_^
No! I would NEVER want to hate him, but rather hug and comfort him. Really would.
This was one sad, valiant person that tried soooooo, so hard.
I have tears in my eyes when I say that. Just one misgendered person that didn't really cut it in the male world, much as she tried.
I'd do better as a hard nosed bitch in the same environment these days - pretty sure, when I say that.
Axélle
PS: If I'd meat some male like him I might just would want to be his friend... maybe more, who knows.
No, gratitude that he managed to survive long enough for Karen to be born. He lives in another country called the past, that Karen emigrated from a couple of years ago. He's not dead, just gone away.
Quote from: lauren3 on December 22, 2011, 03:35:50 AM
I haven't started my physical transition but I certainly don't hate my male self. What I hate is my male characteristics. This person is me - but just not the reflection of me that I'd like. I may have a different viewpoint but I never understood the 'bonfire' concept. I don't like being male but it'd be like destroying a major part of my life. I've been in this body for 20 years. I'd like it different but it is still mine. And I am still me.
This is a good way at looking at it; after transition you'll still be you, there never was a "male you" in regards to yourself, just a male body. You don't have to disregard who you are before transition just because the outside looks different. I know I'm still the exact same person I was, just that the rest of society can see who I am and that myself can see the body reflect the inside.
A couple days ago I was looking at pics of me before transition when I was like 15 years old. It felt so weird. It was as if I was looking at a completely different person. Well, I guess I am now.
I just think to myself: the man you is amazing - he got you far enough through life that it was finally safe for the woman to wake up and take over.
So I have retired him with full honours :). Occasionally, I use his teeshirts for nightwear, because girls do that ;D.
I LIKE MEN but, in detesting "sex as a gay male", just gotta figure out what it takes to get them to better like me too!
My reply to "Braid", a forever grumpy 'ole co-worker who finally demanded of me "get a haircut, you look like a girl" . . .
"Well BRAID! I quess as long as YOU don't find me An Attractive Girl then we really don't 'ave a prob do we"? (lol for sure!)
I thought I made a great guy :D I looked really good in a suit too!
The thing is, I don't think I am a different person. I am still "him" (I don't really refer to pre-hormones as someone else).
I just see me as the same person... but evolving forward a little bit by enhancing my body and mind with estrogen.
I actually work from the perspective that i have always been in a woman's body, it's just a different type of body.
I don't hate anyone. I had to carefully weigh out the two genders, and for the mission I'm on, it's more appropriate to be a girl.
I do not hate my "male" self; he is still around and always will be.
I think it is a bit harsh to state you completely hate your male self, as without it, you would not exist ;)
I do strongly dislike the majority of my male characteristics, however. Nonetheless, as Mahsa and others have said, peace can only be found by accepting who you were and incorporating that into who you are now.
I'm the same person I was before, my interests have not changed at all. All that's changed is that I'm a bit more open and comfortable about myself.
It's just my physical body that I dislike.
I don't and can't hate my male self. He gave me two great kids and 23 years of marriage. While that marriage is ending, I still have a great friend in my soon-to-be-ex-wife.
I tried to fit in and fulfill my roles as son, brother, boyfriend, husband, father, uncle. I think I've done a decent job at some of those roles, and a not-so-decent job at others. I think father was probably the one I fulfilled the best.
And I agree with Axélle on this one. The idea of being able to embrace and comfort my male self and tell the poor bastard to not hate himself so much that he tried his best is a comforting concept. I might incorporate something along those lines in my baptism ceremony when my legal transition is done.
As Connie was always a part of my past as David, David will always be a part of me as Connie. I have a complicated relationship with my male past, but I can't say I hate it.
Quote from: Axélle on December 22, 2011, 05:29:14 AM
No! I would NEVER want to hate him, but rather hug and comfort him. Really would.
This was one sad, valiant person that tried soooooo, so hard.
I have tears in my eyes when I say that. Just one misgendered person that didn't really cut it in the male world, much as she tried.
I'd do better as a hard nosed bitch in the same environment these days - pretty sure, when I say that.
Ditto for me. I will always love Jamie as he was a lovely but lost soul. He is part of who I am today and dont hate him. I never want to be him again but he was special.
xx
Remember you were under the influence of testosterone which is a drug that was floating thru your body with no way to control it. That other person wasn't the real you. That was a drugged up person. If your free from T then you can be free to be yourself.. Then and only then can you know the new you.
If I could speak of my male side as a separate person, then I don't hate my male self at all. My male self was and is a pretty chill dude when the situation is right (though he was rather awkward for a long time growing up). But I kinda feel like "he" is a face I put on when I'm around other people. I mean yeah, he's there when I'm alone too, but it's far less pronounced. When I'm alone I'm just myself, neither ultra femme or masculine. And I guess "he" had some bad features as well- a nasty temper for one.
But overall, I don't want to have a bonfire and burn all my male stuff or completely forget about my male self. Despite some of his negative attributes, he had a lot of good things too, and he is a part of me. I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater. And I don't want to forget where I came from either.
Quote from: Amazon D on December 22, 2011, 01:21:19 PM
Remember you were under the influence of testosterone which is a drug that was floating thru your body with no way to control it. That other person wasn't the real you. That was a drugged up person. If your free from T then you can be free to be yourself.. Then and only then can you know the new you.
I disagree. I think having both "T" and "E" is benificial.
I think being trans is more about duality...Not so much being one or the other. Because one is impossible, and the other isn't real.
I laugh at all the 'true selves" stuff. My trans side is as manufactured as my male side...It's just an issue of comfort for me, really.
Mahsa, would you say your trans side is more "real" than the male side, even if she is manufactured? I mean I guess it's an interesting question on how one defines real. Is what you are born with the ultimate definition of "real" or is it what you personally feel internally the more real part of the duality? Are they both real in a sense as two sides of a coin? I suppose it really does vary from person to person.
Quote from: 0451 on December 22, 2011, 03:34:43 PM
Mahsa, would you say your trans side is more "real" than the male side, even if she is manufactured? I mean I guess it's an interesting question on how one defines real. Is what you are born with the ultimate definition of "real" or is it what you personally feel internally the more real part of the duality? Are they both real in a sense as two sides of a coin? I suppose it really does vary from person to person.
I think most of my trans personality comes more from my emulation of females I know, rather than having a genuine personality.
My boy personality was 100% Buddy Cole(Kids in the Hall character)
Therefore, neither side of me is real...
My true self is something to laugh about? I guess I've been bitten by the disco shark.
Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on December 22, 2011, 03:28:16 PM
I laugh at all the 'true selves" stuff. My trans side is as manufactured as my male side...It's just an issue of comfort for me, really.
Did you not just YET AGAIN say your way is the only way? That may be true for you, but to apply it to all others is saying you know them better than themselves. You may define yourself however you want, but you don't have the right to define the rest of us.
We HAVE to quit being so divisive, the only way we will ever be taken seriously is if we can stand together.
I do not hate my male side. I did my best not to deride him nor do the things in the past I saw the other men do that I would regret. Most of the derision of my male side including threats of emasculation, came from others.
Joelene
I am the same, my body was always manly in a tomboy kind of way. I never developed a husky physic, yet I was strong and with a lot of stamina (still I am).
I never saw myself as a male, just sort of being forced to perform as one. Yes, the male indoctrination has paid and will continue to pay some dividends in the 'security" and "assertive" departments, yet the pain of the forced labor remains.
Jen61
Quote from: Jeneva on December 22, 2011, 04:11:56 PM
Did you not just YET AGAIN say your way is the only way? That may be true for you, but to apply it to all others is saying you know them better than themselves. You may define yourself however you want, but you don't have the right to define the rest of us.
We HAVE to quit being so divisive, the only way we will ever be taken seriously is if we can stand together.
I don't really care what you do.
I was just talking about my perspective of my self.
I don't hate the guy, I just love the gal much better :) She's much more relateable
But Mahsa you did say, 'I laugh at all the 'true selves" stuff.' That seems to come across as a bit contemptuous. Or, am I missing something?
I feel that since beginning transition I am discovering and living my true self. Why is this something to laugh about?
Nah. I was awesome. I love who i was. I was just too gentle and beautiful to be a man. If all men were like how I was then it'd be a better world.
For now, he is locked away in the closet as I try to forge a new identity as a woman - but he will be always a part of me
Quote from: Siobhan on December 22, 2011, 03:03:01 AM
Hmm aren't you really still one and the same?of course the outside changes..but its not like 2 different people inside is it?I've always thought its more like I'm playing a part pretending to be normal to everyone else
to me there is two, kinda like this......
Quote from: Keaira on December 22, 2011, 04:05:39 AM
In a way... yes! I hate him. He kept me locked away and hidden from the world. Yet, He did his best to protect me from harm. He was a good man and I know that many people miss him. But, John couldn't stand to keep me locked up anymore. And so he gently took my hand, stepped aside and let me free.
There was a sad look in his eyes when he did so. For he knew that I would be taking a very hard path in life. He knew that we would lose family and friends. And it hurt us both dearly. But he also knew that I would go on with his strength and stubborn determination. And I would forever be myself.
That's my romantic way of looking at it. ^_^
just beautiful and very romantic! great description!
I love the Man I was. He is wonderful! I wasn't locked away, I chose to lock myself up and let him lead and protect me. He is a great man, the man every girl wants to marry,he is a real prince charming, he is loyal, faithful, strong,compassionate, a hopeless romantic, a good Samaritan always helps those in need. He is my night in shining armor. But just as John, he couldn't keep me locked up any longer. He took quite a few blows to his armor, he faced the dragon for me, fought it and it cost him his life! But as he died he told me he loved me and that he had set me up well in life and that I can do this! That he had taken all the pain and hardache for me! He cleared the way! I miss him severly!
May be im just crazy, but its what I feel/know.
As being male became familiar to me, and was the way that would keep people, in particular my family, happy. On reflection, it now feels like a separate entity, a close twin brother who I knew everything and anything about, as much as I knew about myself. I knew the only way I could find resolution was to part with this male part of my psychology, and it was this that many people did not understand. Many people would suggest that I could still do masculine things and that it didn't mean I had to be a typical woman, but this was not the crux of the matter at all. It was about letting go of that deep rooted psychology of who I used to be, and it was 'him' that was scared of transition, scared of dying, and yes, he had to die. Over several painful years I had to deconstruct him as my true self grew, it was as if he had taken care of me, would take care of me until he was gone and was wishing me well in my future, and was sad that he would never see it. I had to bereave him, grieve for him, and I cried on many nights over him. It may sound peculiar to talk about myself in the third person, but it is one way to illustrate how my limited human mind was able to come to terms with my gender. But was it a case of a complete loss of the male psychology and the transition into a female psychology? It wasn't, and I realised that the spirit of my old male self still exists within me as a memory, and that deep male psychology still swims around as a part of me from a distance, but how 'he' had been in his former form, as the dominant force, and being who I was, that part had to die.
What I have to say though also is that post op, even though my memories of course have not change, I think my perception of them has and now the memories of being physically male and embracing that psychology feel so distant that sometimes I question whether it happened at all. I can't "feel it" the way I used to but I can still remember, but from a more detached perspective as if it was the memory of a close friend.
I have always been me, I never see myself as having been two people, I'm just me. I also haven't changed much at all and my persona and mindset is exactely the same as it has always been. I've always worn androgenous clothes and had long hair before transition. Conforming to a male stereotype lifestyle wasn't one of my strong points.
We all walked a different road to get here. So we all have our own processes to go through to reconcile our pasts. In time, I think we all get more distance, a better perspective on who we were. Hate the sin, love the sinner. That's where I found peace with my past.
I miss being a gay boy.
But I have no plans of going back...Just activating my "gay boy" brain again...I need to lose weight.
not really I mean I see myself as a largely contigious person. more like the same person who was exposed to an extreme event that changed them as much as any other extreme event changes a person.
However if I hypothetically relate to my past self as a seperate indivdual I can't really hate them, I see them more as a tragic character. I'm somwhat annoyed at them for begin so frightened for so long and using that as an excuse to do nothing but that's not an unforgivable crime as I can respect that hindsight is 20/20.