I remember when I was in the 5th grade I was talking on the phone to my sister and I was telling her about how much I hated being a girl and I specifically told her, "I am going to get surgery where they can change me into a boy." At the time I had never heard of SRS or that it was an actual possibility. She replied with "I'm going to pray that you don't get it." Shes a pastor so that made things even more awkward but aside from that point I found out years later that it was actually possible and it made me happy although I had TONS of questions at the time. I just find it funny of what a child's mind could come up with and that years later I want that surgery even more!
What was your reaction to finding out there is a way to "happiness" as I call it?
Terrified, confused and hopeless. I found out from a bunch of sites back in 2005 that painted the ugliest and scariest possible picture of transition. Not to mention apparently all trans women were hyper-feminine from an early age and attracted to men, and described themselves in ways that I not only couldn't relate to, but found kind of offensive and sexist. I felt even more alone and crazy. Was a pretty bad time in my life.
It apparently can't. I felt like I was already pretty transitioned (pre top surgery, but binding fine), but I got outed the other night with the question "do you have a cock?"
I told the guy to shut up, but he insisted on calling attention to me and my anatomy. To the one thing I can't change.
It's not going to match. I'll get as close as I can, though, and I'll learn to let that be good enough.
Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.
Initially I was reluctant to believe it. I saw some people who looked amazing on T and thought 'that's a rare case, has to be, that could never be me.' But then I saw more and more people, all different looking, grow over the years on T and I realized that it could do things for me too. Then I was ecstatic.
I soon as I heard, something clicked inside me. I knew I was different and didn't feel right. I knew who I was. I no longer felt like a freak.
I was horrified.
I can't remember the full details of how we got on the subject but when I was young I had a male family member look at me and snidely say "well you could always have a sex change MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (insert a few other people with him who lold)... You're not thinking about it.... right? 'Cause I wouldn't put it past you!"
Made me feel like there wasn't any hope that I could ever be happy. Everyone around me at the time seemed to have a cruel "inside joke" laughter about it when this family member made the comment that cut deep into my soul.
That's when I found out it was possible.
That's when I found out it wasn't acceptable in others opinion.
Quote from: shortNsweet on January 01, 2012, 09:29:53 AM
I soon as I heard, something clicked inside me. I knew I was different and didn't feel right. I knew who I was. I no longer felt like a freak.
This...and I had a sly smile on the rest of the day.
;)
It's very hard to say, as there are no words that can really adequately describe that feeling. I can say though, that the realisation my body could match my gender; a chord deep within the core of my existence, resonated and produced such a warm, encouraging, inspiring and go-get-it, feeling that has only increased over time.
The moment that really took my breath away, was after realising I was able to grow breasts naturally, that quiet inner voice we all have said, Congratulations!! - You can't have both. That was the defining moment. The line had been drawn in the sand; all fear subsided, "tyre kicking" ceased, doors opened, opportunities abounded and still do.
I don't care what age you are. It's when you know, that you know, that you know. That's when the time is right.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on December 31, 2011, 11:21:21 PM
Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.
I'm still trying to shake this thing off me
Quote from: Sarah7 on December 31, 2011, 08:48:25 PM
Terrified, confused and hopeless. I found out from a bunch of sites back in 2005 that painted the ugliest and scariest possible picture of transition. Not to mention apparently all trans women were hyper-feminine from an early age and attracted to men, and described themselves in ways that I not only couldn't relate to, but found kind of offensive and sexist. I felt even more alone and crazy. Was a pretty bad time in my life.
This, almost exactly, was my experience.
Except it only happened
after I started looking for "my people". I first learned I could transition because of a documentary I saw way back in 1998. I don't remember much about it other than the movie that preceded it*--all I can remember is that something in me just came alive!
*
Just Like a Woman, the most humane depiction of
crossdressers I've ever seen on TV. :-\
I didn't ever have that moment. I didn't start to think I might be trans till my late teens/early 20s. I knew what transgender meant since I was like 14. I just know that I slowly became more and more jealous of all the guys out there transitioning and more and more sad that I wasn't.
Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on December 31, 2011, 11:21:21 PM
Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.
ditto.
When I realized I was trans, something clicked as was mentioned above and that was an amazing euphoric moment that lasted a few days even.
Now, for actual transition, I'm trying to figure out the social details still. I've known for a long time there was probably something that could be done. Gaining actual knowledge of various surgeries was a slow process that kind of only makes me more scared to go through it. There's a "halfway" period it seems to me that I would just die being in right now.
If I could go in a cave, transition completely, then emerge... that would be ideal... and I would love it.
When I was in my teens, my mum told me (in a very non-judgemental way) about a fellow student of hers at art college who disappeared for a few weeks and came back a woman. So I knew it could happen, but I kept my own identity secret from myself.
Dear pidgeontoed,
Congratulations, you are doing a great job.
Take a deep breath ......... exhale and relax.
Being scared is not always a negative thing. It's the body's way of saying "Are you sure?"
At some point in your journey, you will go from: It's a matter of "if", to a matter of "when." I suspect you are there now.
It will happen for you.
Take on board all the information you need, process it and deal with it.
Listen to, and trust your inner voice. It knows where you are going. Trust it, it'll take you to unimaginable places.
If you need to take baby steps - take baby steps. If you need to go at a million miles an hour - go at a million miles an hour.
See you on the other side - glowing.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Thank you Catherine for the kind words of encouragement. It means a lot ;D
I've been getting better about finding my own pace and things seem to have settled down a bit for now. Breathing in deep every day.
When I was 12 about 30 years ago I used to wish that I'd get some bizarre disease where the only possible cure would be a "sex-change operation," as I thought of it in those terms.
Then, shortly before my 41st birthday I was lying in bed one night unable to fall asleep and trying to work out why I was so depressed. When I suddenly wondered if it was trans rather than genderqueer, the depression was suddenly lifted. It was like I'd found out what was wrong.
Quote from: Shades O'Grey on January 03, 2012, 07:51:01 PM
When I was 12 about 30 years ago I used to wish that I'd get some bizarre disease where the only possible cure would be a "sex-change operation," as I thought of it in those terms.
Then, shortly before my 41st birthday I was lying in bed one night unable to fall asleep and trying to work out why I was so depressed. When I suddenly wondered if it was trans rather than genderqueer, the depression was suddenly lifted. It was like I'd found out what was wrong.
When I was growing up, in my family - and to a degree, in my community at large - we didn't go to doctors. We didn't trust doctors, and we didn't want them to take our money for doing what we could do ourselves. We were backwards indeed.
So when I was little I had this vaguely mythological idea of what doctors were. And I thought if I could just get to a doctor they would understand me, and they would know exactly what was wrong, and they would fix it. I was a good boy. I did nothing wrong, so of course I wouldn't continue to live with such wrongness much longer. I thought the world worked like that; that it was simple and just, and that professional grownups were basically wizards.
When I first heard about "sex changes", I was still in primary school. My mother and grandmother were talking about them because of some TV show, but they were talking about MTFs, so I asked them could girls become boys and they said they could. I was fixated on achieving transition from then on, but as a teen and young adult had planned on suicide as I couldn't afford health insurance and lived too far from civilisation to see a competent doctor.
It sounded really odd to me and I was also guilty about the thoughts of "I want to do that" that would flash through my mind.
I laughed. I was extremely happy when I stumbled upon the discovery... which happened to take place on Andrea James' site when I was twelve. I couldn't stop smiling - it was like looking at the face of salvation.
I was intrigued at first, but in denial that it could ever apply to me. Then I got to thinking and realized it was something I had always wanted since I could recall debating with myself about my gender.
I knew about the topic way back when I was 4. Thing was at that time I didn't think too much about boys or girls because I was the middle child of two other brothers, my youngest I had to set the example for and the eldest I had to pretty much keep calm because of he was mildly autistic. The most I did while growing up was wear my mom's shoes. This meant I had no me time and didn't until college when I was 18. I didn't fully grasp what I was until 21 and really didn't act on it until I turned 26.
So backstory aside, how did I feel? ... like I made the discovery of a lifetime and had to learn more. The only thing that got in my way of finding out more on the subject quicker was school, the military and work. Yeah, it felt like a smiling scoff, smiling that nagging feeling I had within me had a solution and that I wasn't alone but also a scoff in that I didn't think it would involve me being trans.
I was aware of the concept long before I realised it was the path I needed to take to find contentment in my life. That was when I was able to feel like a ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders, rather than an interesting bit of medical trivia.
I really started going forward before I realized what I could do. I told somebody I didn't identify internally as female and I never had, and I sort of blindly bumbled on from there. Had no clue people might have a problem with it. Didn't know how difficult transition would be. I'm still kinda pissed about how people hold this against us. Like any of us woke up one day and said "Yeah, I want to be an outcast, and I want to require hormones or surgery to feel comfortable, that'll be so cool!"
I knew vaguely about MtFs before college, and had the impression that they were all hyper-feminine and binary-identified, etc. I've always wanted to look like a boy and pass as one, but never thought it was possible so I brushed that thought to the back of my mind. I'd look up crossdressing tips from time to time, and was searching for chest binding methods and came across FtMs for the first time in freshman year of college (about 5 years ago). I was fascinated! Still didn't think it could be me, because I didn't realize I was trans until recently. So even now I am learning.
I was nearly out the door with intent when I discovered.
I don't even remember when that was, but I know it was very gradual.
When I was 13 years old is when I found out that I could do something about myself. I'd been masquerading as a girl online for years before that - but it was on a Sunday afternoon as I was flipping through the channels on the tube that I caught the very tail end of a documentary on trans people. It was only the last 30-40 seconds of it, and I wasn't entirely clear on what the subject was, but, huh, what's this? People have changed their sex...? Uhhm. Hmm.
The thought of it just dug into me, like a nail in my brain, and I couldn't stop thinking about what I thought I heard on TV - and wasn't sure. The following Monday, I happened into the library at school and struck up a conversation with the librarian, formerly a nurse. This was par for the course - I was friendlier with the staff than the student body, and would go to lengths to avoid having to interact with them (and avoiding the constant "you're a ->-bleeped-<-" taunts). I happened to mention that I caught the end of a documentary about changing gender, and asked her if it was indeed possible. She said, "Yeah, it's a routine surgery, we did it all the time at Stanford."
That was my moment of clarity. I realized I could fix myself then and there. I didn't say anything to her of course other than mumbling, "huh, interesting." But at that point I knew there had to be an explanation for it; something in the medical literature. I borrowed my then-psychiatrist's copy of the DSM-IV, and flipped through before finding GID in the manual - and I knew that I finally had an explanation for everything. I did a lot more research, hit up Webcrawler for searches (anyone remember those days?), and reached out to some TS's...
At any rate, for me - how I felt - relief! I felt a clarity of purpose that I never had. I knew at that exact moment what I had to do, what I needed to do to make my life right. I seriously regret that I didn't do it in my teen years... and wasted the last 15 years of my life hiding and binge eating, putting on an extra 200 pounds, just because I wanted to be numb to my feelings. Wanted to make the world go away, just daydream about things being right... bah. At least I'm doing something about it now...
I thought "Damn, I should have done this earlier"
I first found out as a six year old on the school bus. I declared, "I wish I could have been a boy!" or "I want to be a boy!" And was told, "You know there's a surgery for that." Unfortunately, the boy who said that loved mocking me, so thinking he was mocking me then, I said "Nuh uh!" Later on, I saw a documentary on tv that was going through mtf and ftm transitions. It fascinated me. I did research, particularly once I got to university and joined a trans group. However, I'm still questioning.
I had the feelings of feeling transgendered at age six, always wishing to wake up as a girl.
I found out about the possibility of SRS in my early teens in the mid 1980's and sadly, the only information out at that time in the media were the sensationalist type.
For the aussies:
I distinctly remember an interview with Caroline Cossey on 60 minutes (my mother dragged me away from that one - "That person is baaaaaaaaad, you shouldn't be watching this). Also an article in the SMH "Good Weekend" interviewing Carlotta from "Les Girls" - I secretly re-read that article quite a few times. There were a few more programs like that on on occasion, and it was so hard to feign disinterest.
Sadly I didn't know where to turn to for help, and the lifestyles that were described for TG people in the 80s was scary and that put me off for the longest time about doing something.
I discovered in a series of magazines (printed in the UK in the 80s) called "Doctor's Answers" that my mum subscribed to. She was a nurse and into biology. It featured April Ashley and the whole SRS procedure and RLE without HRT! Later, in secondary school, in a biology lesson, the teacher discussed Caroline Cossey, including the Smirnoff advert where she's riding the Loch Ness Monster. All the guys in the class were very impressed. Even the hardest guys said "they would". My head was thrown into complete turmoil. I couldn't stop myself from blushing. It felt like my deepest, private thoughts and goals were being discussed openly in class.
Actually, I can't really remember how I felt when I discovered the possibility. I'm sure I felt quite elated and relieved.
I knew about it for a while, but I had an ingrained fear of trying to look up anything about it after I was yelled about for looking at sites of other religions, primarily the atheist faith that call themselves "satanist" in the ironic sense. Combined with that and a fear that it was too late because I was fat and hairy and it wasn't until this month really that I took the notion seriously in my head. Mostly what sealed it was vids on youtube showing people going through a year on HRT, then I realized that not being scared and working hard would overcome anything, and that even if I'm not going to become a model, I will be 100% closer to looking who I feel.
I felt relived, excited, and not scared, for the first time ^^
As a kid I knew I was different to my male peers, I finally worked out at 12 what the difference was.. And then promptly jammed that thought in a dark, dark place.. I knew all along that I could change, just didn't get around to doing it until there was no longer other option..
Quote from: luna nyan on April 30, 2012, 05:41:54 AM
Also an article in the SMH "Good Weekend" interviewing Carlotta from "Les Girls" - I secretly re-read that article quite a few times.
I've met Carlotta, actually had a few drinks with her on a couple of occasions.. She's a hell of a woman - and quite a personality..
I felt like everything suddenly made sense. I was so excited about my discovery I immediately told all my friends over MSN what I'd found and what amazing news it was.
Also like Felix I sort of felt like if I just went to a doctor and informed them I wanted to do this then everything would be hunky dory and the doctor would fix everything and my life would be brilliant. Also that if I cut all my hair off wore boys clothes and told everyone I was a guy then they had no reason to question me or berate me for it. That everyone would find this as exciting and amazing as I did. Lesson learned :P
Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on December 31, 2011, 11:21:21 PM
Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.
I'm
still stuck in this state of mind 90% of the time.
I felt: "I am in Heaven"
Quote from: kelly_aus on April 30, 2012, 07:16:47 AM
I've met Carlotta, actually had a few drinks with her on a couple of occasions.. She's a hell of a woman - and quite a personality..
She comes across as such when she was on that show "Beauty and the Beast".