So, it's been nearly a year since I started taking estradiol and spironolactone. There have been a lot of physical changes, but not nearly enough for my taste. I should preface this all by saying that I turned 30 in November, if anyone wants to compare themselves to me. However, as has been said time and time again, your mileage may vary with hormones. What's happened in my experiences is not the same as what happens with other people. That said, some of the changes over the last year are listed below.
Physical Changes:
- Breasts, obviously. I think I range somewhere in the nearly B category, but because my chest is so wide, they just seem small to me. I am just starting to get some cleavage with the right bras, but it's barely noticeable.
- I have softer, more refined facial skin. As long as we're on face, let me say that the shape of my face has changed. People had always commented on my dimples during my "boy years". Now, I feel like my face glows and that I have a beautiful smile. A lot of the sharper angles seem shaved away. Studying some pictures from February of last year and recent photos, it's like there's more fat in my face and my dimples are more dimply. My lips also seem to have a tiny bit more plumpness to them now than they did last year. The "crows feet" around my eyes seem more pronounced, but the effect ends up making them appear more like a grown woman's rather than a man's wizened features.
- I have collar bones! This is a very marked change for me. My collar bones are quite prominent, whereas before, they were not. I think it makes my neck look less thick as a result.
- Hip fat distribution is well under way. I definitely have curves now, brought on by fat distribution around my hips. However, because I still have boy hips, the hip fat just kind of makes it look like a wine glass turned upside down.
- My ankles have lost muscle definition, but my arms haven't lost much. I sit at a computer all day long and rarely exercise. I diet, so I haven't gained any weight over the last year, but I'm definitely not building or maintaining any muscle. Even still, though I had hoped otherwise, my arms have maintained a lot of their former circumference.
- My skin seems to get dry a lot more easily. Having to constantly moisturize kind of sucks, but it becomes necessary because of dry, sometimes bleeding skin :(
- While I rarely have the urge to "self-love" anymore, when I indulge, there's barely any seminal fluid.
Mental Changes:
- Somewhere along the way, my sexuality flipped a 180. It was about a month and a half to two months into hormones that my interest in men increased and my interest in women decreased. Let me state that I had a wife and I loved her very much. I've always dated women in the past and I very much thought I was going to be a transsexual lesbian. Unexpectedly, that didn't turn out to be the case. Now, I crave big, manly men with muscles and I fantasize about being swept up in their arms. Some people would argue that I must have been gay or bisexual to begin with, and let me assure that that wasn't the case. I honestly never thought about men in that way until beginning hormones.
- The more I became a woman, the less sense men seemed to make to me. This could be societal training. I want to be a woman and thus I want to perceive that there is a great difference in thought processes. I'm learning womanly behavior and thinking patterns, so manly thinking and behavior becomes foreign to me. I just don't think that's the case. There are so many things that I tried to grasp (and thought I did!) as a man, even during the years when I did a lot of crossdressing, but never truly understood until I started to transition. It wasn't an epiphany or anything, just a gradual awareness of certain female thought patterns that made more sense than men's thought patterns. Now, I just kinda feel like boys are dumb and don't know anything about girls. I think the biggest compliment paid to me recently was from an acquaintance who said, after conversing with me for awhile, "We need to hang out more and talk. You think like a girl." "What about (insert gay male hairdresser's name)?" "Nah. He's fun, but he still thinks like a boy."
- Cravings seem a whole lot harder to resist now and flavorful things seem even more flavorful. This one is hard to research because taste and degrees of hunger are subjective. Before about 5 months into hormones, I could diet regularly and not give it a second thought. I had been losing weight for awhile and was at my goal weight. I was planning to lose another 10 lbs because I felt that I could and remain healthy, but something in me just couldn't do it. Ever since, it's been a battle of worrying about what I eat to the point of near-obsession, but unable to stop myself. The taste of food typically ends up driving my diet, and the things I want typically have a higher fat content than healthier alternatives.
- I feel like it's easier to get depressed. I've become a creature of moods this past year. It's so much harder not to be a bitch when something irritates me. This is understandable when my hormone dosages fluctuate, but when they're steady for several months, it's harder to comprehend. It's not that I'm more volatile per se, but it's harder to hide what I'm feeling at the moment. I do end up being a lot more aware of how my mood affects other people and I find myself apologizing because of it more often.
- Impatience seems to have a greater hold on me. This is especially evident in traffic. I really didn't have that much trouble with this before, even with a bad marriage. My wife and I would ride home from work together and bitch at each other the whole way. Or, we'd just have a comfortable car ride. Traffic jams never bothered me. Now, it's like everyone is an idiot and needs to speed the hell up or get out of the way!
- "Acting like a woman" vs. "Being a woman" - there's a difference. When I used to tell people I was transgendered and dressed in womanly attire, I thought women trusted me like they would any other woman. Boy, was I wrong. It's hard to describe, but when a woman views you as another woman, the demeanor is completely different. It's like there's a switch where it's okay to tell something to another woman that a man wouldn't have any notion to comprehend. You can read it in the body language. I get the feeling that they just saw a man in a skirt before, which makes me sad to think about because I really wanted to be perceived as a woman back then, too. Oh well. Anyway, I'm not sure where the switch for me was either. Going through transition is a lot like learning to be you all over again, or like learning a foreign language you've never heard of from scratch.
As a final note, there are probably some things that I inadvertently left off the list. If you have a question about any of it, you can ask and I'll try to answer to the best of my ability. I know that some of these mental changes can seem psychosomatic or have become learned behavior as a result of my transition. All I can tell you is that I tried to express everything honestly. I've tried to remain exceptionally self-aware throughout this process because that's just the kind of thing I obsess about. I like to examine every emotion and thought, and since I play a lot of poker, I've gotten used to picking up every little twitch and muscle movement from other people. Plus, while everything was kinda shiny and new in the beginning of transition, it's since grown banal (since about month two).
Before and after pictures would be awsome to see!
Otherwise great story and congradulations!
Congratz on being a year on HRT!! I am so happy to hear the changes you have noticed already. Remember that this is only year 1, you will continue to notice things and see things change over the next few years. It takes a genetic women YEARS to go through Puberty. I always tell myself that when I get discouraged with hormones.
One question, did you do laser/electrolysis on your face before HRT or during HRT?! Or have you even had to do it?! I just started Laser this week and it's working great for me so far. I wondered how many cycles it took you.
Wow, interesting story. Glad to hear about your progress. :)
Quote from: Audrey Jo Taylor on January 04, 2012, 06:24:23 PM
So, it's been nearly a year since I started taking estradiol and spironolactone. There have been a lot of physical changes, but not nearly enough for my taste. I should preface this all by saying that I turned 30 in November, if anyone wants to compare themselves to me. However, as has been said time and time again, your mileage may vary with hormones. What's happened in my experiences is not the same as what happens with other people...
A beautiful post from a beautiful lady. Thank you so much.
Can I ask? Did your marriage survive? That is one of my gravest concerns about transition.
An interesting story, indeed. I've been on hormones for a little over three months, and it feels like it's taking forever. ;D I can't wait for the one year mark. Or even the six month mark. Hmmpf.
P.S. You look fantastic in your avi picture. *Awfully jelous* ;D
To be completely honest, I don't think there's one thing that men and women don't understand about each other, it's just that there's men and women who are dumb and aren't meant to be together. I've had a close girl friend for like 6 years now and there's not one thing we don't agree on except religion, and we never have fought about it. For instance, I also have a close guy friend who never, ever understands his girlfriend's daily pleas that he should talk to her on the phone for hours, every single day, while she's away at basic training. But it's not that he doesn't understand it, it's that he openly says (to me) that he doesn't like talking to the girl and that she gets on his nerves while she's on the phone. She'd perceive that as him being too dumb to talk to her because he's a guy and probably just distracted by cars and videogames, while he perceives it as "Haha I'm the smart one cuz I don't want to talk to this annoying girl and yet she's still with me, I'd give up anything to talk to her on the phone if she was actually worth talking to." Classic case of a truth simply needing to come out, case of two people not meant to be together. There are girls who do that exact same thing, staying with guys they like having sex with and never talking to them otherwise.
However, there seems to be some studies that proven women are more prone to being "passive", which leads to women being predominantly religious, submissive, and striving to be "normal", and it tends to happen with women who have the most estrogen running through their systems (aka HRT patients who undoubtly have much more of one single sex hormone t han most natal females, as most human beings run on a compbination of sex hormones that are hard to replicate medically.) It's my guess as to why most MTF's on this forum are very religious, spiritual, passive, normal-holics, and downright boring. I mean, one thing I've noticed about this forum is that no one on here is interesting. No one here is off acting in films, standing in front of crowds doing speeches, leading big charities, making world-changing documentaries, accepting awards, saving lives (even speaking of the medical field), ect ect. Everywhere you look, it's a bunch of boring old accountants, bakers, and receptionists. No strive to do something big. Even with the FTM's, all they wanna do is conform and be the most normal macho male they can be, I don't know what's the last time I seen a FTM who, say, wanted to be a filmmaker or singer, or politician, or whatnot. Too much normality for my tastes, and conformity really is never healthy if it's just for conformity's sake.
In reality though, studies also prove that if a person has a lack of childhood trauma, very rarely will they have an urge to do anything out of their ordinary so, who knows. But then again, trauma and stress is supposed to create a surge in male hormones, that reacts with a flight and fight response so...idk, one big circle of hormones and personalities.
Wow, you look fabulous! Thank you for the great read on how HRT has affected you.
It's been six months since I started HRT, and I've had similar changes in re breasts (large A) and facial skin. All of my skin seems softer.
Sexually (physically), I've always been attracted to people on the high femme to emo boy range. This hasn't changed, but the acts I prefer and fantasize about have. I find that I am much more sensual than sexual. A good naked cuddle that may or may not go further is dreamy!
My moods are generally less extreme and I'm at a happier ground state. I used to have a problem with anger, but now it slips away quickly. I'm also much more patient than I used to be and I was patient before.
Quote from: R&T-Place on January 07, 2012, 05:08:16 AM
To be completely honest, I don't think there's one thing that men and women don't understand about each other, it's just that there's men and women who are dumb and aren't meant to be together. I've had a close girl friend for like 6 years now and there's not one thing we don't agree on except religion, and we never have fought about it. For instance, I also have a close guy friend who never, ever understands his girlfriend's daily pleas that he should talk to her on the phone for hours, every single day, while she's away at basic training. But it's not that he doesn't understand it, it's that he openly says (to me) that he doesn't like talking to the girl and that she gets on his nerves while she's on the phone. She'd perceive that as him being too dumb to talk to her because he's a guy and probably just distracted by cars and videogames, while he perceives it as "Haha I'm the smart one cuz I don't want to talk to this annoying girl and yet she's still with me, I'd give up anything to talk to her on the phone if she was actually worth talking to." Classic case of a truth simply needing to come out, case of two people not meant to be together. There are girls who do that exact same thing, staying with guys they like having sex with and never talking to them otherwise.
However, there seems to be some studies that proven women are more prone to being "passive", which leads to women being predominantly religious, submissive, and striving to be "normal", and it tends to happen with women who have the most estrogen running through their systems (aka HRT patients who undoubtly have much more of one single sex hormone t han most natal females, as most human beings run on a compbination of sex hormones that are hard to replicate medically.) It's my guess as to why most MTF's on this forum are very religious, spiritual, passive, normal-holics, and downright boring. I mean, one thing I've noticed about this forum is that no one on here is interesting. No one here is off acting in films, standing in front of crowds doing speeches, leading big charities, making world-changing documentaries, accepting awards, saving lives (even speaking of the medical field), ect ect. Everywhere you look, it's a bunch of boring old accountants, bakers, and receptionists. No strive to do something big. Even with the FTM's, all they wanna do is conform and be the most normal macho male they can be, I don't know what's the last time I seen a FTM who, say, wanted to be a filmmaker or singer, or politician, or whatnot. Too much normality for my tastes, and conformity really is never healthy if it's just for conformity's sake.
In reality though, studies also prove that if a person has a lack of childhood trauma, very rarely will they have an urge to do anything out of their ordinary so, who knows. But then again, trauma and stress is supposed to create a surge in male hormones, that reacts with a flight and fight response so...idk, one big circle of hormones and personalities.
Okay. . . Where to begin. . . .
First off: Correlation does not equal cause. Just because women tend to be more passive than men and happen to have more estrogen than men, does not prove that estrogen is causally linked to passivity. Also, passivity and assertiveness can vary in any given individual depending on the social context. For example, I speak up in my classes more than anyone else. In other words, in this context I'm more assertive. I have classmates who come up to me after an exam and ask me what I got who I didn't even know were in my class because they sit in the back and don't speak up. However, in many other social contexts I tend to be quieter and more passive.
Secondly: There are any number of possible reasons why women have a greater tendency to be more religious. For example, women tend to seek out and create more extensive emotional support networks, whereas men tend to be pressured more to be independent and not rely on others for support, especially emotional support. Religions can, to an extent, be a source of support networks. However, whether or not this tendency is the result of socialization or differences in hormone levels, or some combination thereof, is still not fully understood. It is likely that most people on this forum are religious because most people on this forum seem to be from the U.S., and the U.S. has a high prevalence of religiosity. As for people being "interesting"? Well, that's just entirely subjective. What's interesting to one person, isn't to another.
Thirdly: Men and women are socialized very, very differently. As a result, men and women often don't understand each other's behaviors and ways of approaching various situations.
Fourthly: There is quite a bit more homogeneity among women, and greater heterogeneity among men. Studies repeatedly show this. Why this is, however, is not fully understood. What is interesting is that feminists claim that women are inherently more inclusive, egalitarian, and non-judgmental. Yet, despite this, there is actually less heterogeneity among women. Social environments that are tightly controlled and heavily policed tend to lead to greater homogeneity, whereas social environments that allow for greater freedom--such as environments that are more inclusive, egalitarian, and non-judgmental--tend to lead to greater heterogeneity. This is why you'll find greater homogeneity within religions, and greater heterogeneity among atheists. If women are, in fact, inherently more inclusive, egalitarian, and non-judgmental, then we would expect to find greater heterogeneity among women, and greater homogeneity among men, which we do not. I would like to see the study that actually tested women's hormone levels in relation to their strive to be "normal." I wonder if those who were perceived to be more "normal" simply got laid more often
because they were perceived to be "normal," and if the difference in hormone levels is attributable to the greater frequency of sex. (Caveat: there is greater homogeneity among men and greater heterogeneity among women when it comes to gender expression. This is most likely attributable to the extent to which homophobia regulates men's behavior more than women's.)
Fifthly: Perhaps there aren't many people here that are out doing the things you mentioned because the people who are out doing the things you mentioned don't have time to participate in forums like this
because they're out there doing the things you mentioned. My post activity drops to almost non-existent during the term. Why? Because I'm off doing important things, such as studying gender and conducting research projects.
Lastly: As for conformity, most people are conformists. . . whether they're trans or cis. I've never been a conformist. I was always the one off by herself doing her own thing, creating her own approach, viewing things differently. However, it was never an attempt to be different for the sake of being different.
Quote from: JS04011027 on January 04, 2012, 07:22:41 PM
Before and after pictures would be awsome to see!
The reason that I didn't put a before and after picture is because I felt it would take away from what I was saying. I didn't post what I posted because I was trying to be vain, just trying to be helpful for people who wonder about the experiences of others in relation to transgender topics.
Quote from: starbright on January 04, 2012, 07:48:04 PM
One question, did you do laser/electrolysis on your face before HRT or during HRT?! Or have you even had to do it?! I just started Laser this week and it's working great for me so far. I wondered how many cycles it took you.
Because of certain issues, I went through three laser hair removal treatments, then nothing, then about 6 months later, started up again. I've had about 6, I think. My hair growth cycles just seem disappointing. It's not at dense as it used to be, but it's still dense and noticeable (which is depressing when I look in the mirror)
Quote from: Jamie D on January 06, 2012, 02:31:14 AM
Can I ask? Did your marriage survive? That is one of my gravest concerns about transition.
The ending of the relationship with my wife was the reason that I started transition. I was up-front with her about my transgender status before we got together. It's not that she was fine with it, but I told her I wouldn't transition while I was with her (which led me to suppress a lot!). We separated due to not ever being able to get along. We were married about a year. It was sad. I will say that while there's still a place in my heart where I love her, I couldn't imagine being with a woman now. I haven't been with any men, but that's where all my fantasies tend to lead these days. I've also been around a lot of attractive women since being separated who wanted to, um, "take me home" and it's just something I'm physically not interested in at all anymore.
Quote from: Maja.V on January 06, 2012, 04:10:05 AM
P.S. You look fantastic in your avi picture. *Awfully jelous* ;D
Thank you very much! It took me a *LONG* time to actually feel like I was pretty. I appreciate the comment. :)
Quote from: R&T-Place on January 07, 2012, 05:08:16 AM
To be completely honest, I don't think there's one thing that men and women don't understand about each other, it's just that there's men and women who are dumb and aren't meant to be together. I've had a close girl friend for like 6 years now and there's not one thing we don't agree on except religion, and we never have fought about it. For instance, I also have a close guy friend who never, ever understands his girlfriend's daily pleas that he should talk to her on the phone for hours, every single day, while she's away at basic training. But it's not that he doesn't understand it, it's that he openly says (to me) that he doesn't like talking to the girl and that she gets on his nerves while she's on the phone. She'd perceive that as him being too dumb to talk to her because he's a guy and probably just distracted by cars and videogames, while he perceives it as "Haha I'm the smart one cuz I don't want to talk to this annoying girl and yet she's still with me, I'd give up anything to talk to her on the phone if she was actually worth talking to." Classic case of a truth simply needing to come out, case of two people not meant to be together. There are girls who do that exact same thing, staying with guys they like having sex with and never talking to them otherwise.
However, there seems to be some studies that proven women are more prone to being "passive", which leads to women being predominantly religious, submissive, and striving to be "normal", and it tends to happen with women who have the most estrogen running through their systems (aka HRT patients who undoubtly have much more of one single sex hormone t han most natal females, as most human beings run on a compbination of sex hormones that are hard to replicate medically.) It's my guess as to why most MTF's on this forum are very religious, spiritual, passive, normal-holics, and downright boring. I mean, one thing I've noticed about this forum is that no one on here is interesting. No one here is off acting in films, standing in front of crowds doing speeches, leading big charities, making world-changing documentaries, accepting awards, saving lives (even speaking of the medical field), ect ect. Everywhere you look, it's a bunch of boring old accountants, bakers, and receptionists. No strive to do something big. Even with the FTM's, all they wanna do is conform and be the most normal macho male they can be, I don't know what's the last time I seen a FTM who, say, wanted to be a filmmaker or singer, or politician, or whatnot. Too much normality for my tastes, and conformity really is never healthy if it's just for conformity's sake.
In reality though, studies also prove that if a person has a lack of childhood trauma, very rarely will they have an urge to do anything out of their ordinary so, who knows. But then again, trauma and stress is supposed to create a surge in male hormones, that reacts with a flight and fight response so...idk, one big circle of hormones and personalities.
Mmm... okay. Well, the first example you gave is an example where the lines of communication are clear. She talked about she wanted and he didn't want to listen. This is something of a rarity. For example, my BFF the other day was talking about breaking up with her boyfriend because sometimes he'd go the whole day without texting her when other days, he texted her throughout the day. She said "it just doesn't make sense! I hate how this makes me feel! He *must* be cheating!" Thinking processes of boys and girls are different. As another poster mentioned, the socialization of men and women are completely different. Without derailing the thread, I just disagree with your statements about how men and women think the same.
I will say that I'm a very social person. I sound like a boy still because I'm too lazy (and scared, probably) to talk in my feminine voice. As a result, most people know right away. So, I refer to myself as a "->-bleeped-<-" and become self-deprecating. I make people laugh, I hit on straight boys, I play poker, curse, sing karaoke, and just generally have a good social time out. This is completely antithetical to the theory that I'm striving to be normal. I'm happy with my atheism, my counter-culture behavior, and my larger-than-life personality. I do have dreams of doing something with my life. I'm a computer programmer and I want to develop games and make lots of money that way. I do have ambition despite my lack of testosterone. I *will* say that I tend to feel shyness more often, if that contributes anything to the conversation.
Thanks everyone for the great replies! :)
Congrats on the changes
I just found this post. Sounds like you had an incredible year. I'd love to hear how things have progressed 1/4 of year past.
Very interesting post, I can identify with a lot of it.
I have become a lot more settled emotionally overall, but when I react to something, good or bad I tend to react straight away rather than stew on it for days. After that it is all over, and I am back the way I was before.
I found that my sexuality changed too. Whereas I had come to the realisation that I was bisexual before Transition, I have absolutely no interest in men now, which surprised me when it became apparent.
Despite little change in my voice, which was fairly soft and a little husky, I have no trouble in face to face situations, only on the phone.
Karen.
It seems that you are doing very well. As we all know it takes years for normal puberty for a young girl to become a woman. Your time frame seems to be moving forward nicely. As to your new attraction to men that also seems normal & something you should enjoy completely.
I can relate to some of this but some things are different for me. For one I have more patience and people being stupid bothers me less than it used to. Someone really has to do something stupid for me to get upset now. I relate to most of the physical changes and hope to slowly get more fem as time goes on. I'm still adjusting meds, so not sure what I might end up with..
It's so interesting and frustrating regarding sexual orientation. I can honestly and absolutely say that prior to hormones I was exclusively attracted to women. All of my crushes and infatuations were toward women. But I noticed that after 4 months on hormones (now in my 6th month), all I can say is "men look different" to me." My orientation has definitely switched a couple of notches in the other direction.
My wife and I watch the TV show called, "Top Shot" and she had always thought the host (Colby) was attractive. I didn't get it, then one day, when we were watching, it was like. "Wow, he is hot" and from then on my fantasies have shifted toward the amazing feeling of being swept off my feet by him. I can't describe what changed and I can't describe the nature of the attraction. What I can say is that this is not due to socialization or repressed homosexuality. There has been a shift in my brain. Women are becoming less attractive and some men, I can honestly say, are becoming attractive to me and attraction to men and women bring two different internal experiences and sensations.
I think it is time researchers (1) drop the general triad of sexual orientation as an absolute, (2) drop the idea that sexual orientation is fixed (absolutely not endorsing reperative therapy, but that biological changes in some individual can produce changes), and (3) look into how hormones may re-wire some transwomens' sexual orientation, as we know that hormones do in fact change the brain.
Post Script
I was absolutely insulted when I told a friend about my sexual orientation changing a bit and he wrote off my experience as I must have been a repressed homosexual the whole time. That is a dangerous line of thinking that closes off new ideas in science, invalidates the individual's experience and honestly sexual orientation and sexual history is self-reported in most cases anyway so we might as well accuse ALL individuals of lying about their orientation. Grrr.