Most days I can't wait to go full time as a girl, but some days I'm really not looking forward to it and want to stay a guy. What's wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you! Its a big decision with many changes, and choices. Some you know will be great, others you know will suck! Coming out full time is not an easy process. I am currently part time. But I do have days where I think its not worth all the trouble and I should stay a guy. But then I look in the mirror and I see a someone who would be extremely miserable if I gave up! Keep your head up and don't give up!
Well it's not like most days I want to be a girl and some days I want to be a girl but I think it'll be hard.
Some days I want to be a girl and other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.
Perhaps you identify more with bi-gender or "gender fluid"?
You should probably refer to here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer) and see if any of these might sound like you - and then do further research.
Then don't do it. You ;can't take back other's reactions to your statements or make them unheard. If you know now that it isn't quite right, don't do it. Time may change how you feel about it. When and if that happens, then go full time. Maybe it just isn't for you. That is OK, nothing wrong with you, I think that you're feelings are normal and you are not us just as we are not you.
Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:59:28 AM
Some days I want to be a girl and other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.
Hmm that is a slight concern you don't want to do anything you regret. what about it repulses you? You might need to explore those feelings before you do anything irriversible... personally I find writing them down helps.
I will say however It's normal to not feel exactly the same about your body all the time, even now usually when I'm getting dressed for the shower. I have "what the hell?! Who's face is this? who am I?" moments I don't really recognise myself it's like 7 years worth of changes challenges and emotional development in 11 months. And now things are mostly back to ordinary and have been that way for a year... but things are still different.
Quote from: JasonRX on January 08, 2012, 10:16:25 AM
Perhaps you identify more with bi-gender or "gender fluid"?
You should probably refer to here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer) and see if any of these might sound like you - and then do further research.
Exactly. Alex may very well be Bi-gender. And changing Sex in those circumstances may, if that would be the case, be a mistake.
However, Alex should also ask him/her(?)self if it is the actual change of bodily anatomy that is disturbing, or, if it is about having to lock oneself in a specific gender role, or, if it is both.
If the prolem is about the gender roles, then Alex should now that just because s/he changes the body, it doesn't mean that S/he has to submit to a specific gender role. There are biological males that have had full sex changes but still continue to live as guys, and there are also guys that only have SRS and live as gay males, and yet others that changes their bodies into an androgyne state so that they can be exactly what they want to be for the moment.
There are many different ways to choose, and you(Alex) have to find the way that is the perfect one for
you specifically.
Is being bi gender really a thing? Everytime I read it my new age bull->-bleeped-<- alarm goes off.
I wish I was like a computer program or something so I wouldn't have to worry about my gender. I don't want to be bi gender though, what am I even supposed to do then, it's not like I can ever be happy with my sex.
Is what's repulsing you the actual becoming of a woman, or losing the man? I have fears and doubts similar to yours sometime, but I've thought it over every waking second I can and I know in my personal doubts I'm starting to understand. It's not so much that when I have my streaks of doubt I don't to become a woman or have desire to remind a man, but I'm afraid of change. My mind reacts by pushing away the change yet deep inside I know that I'll always be unfulfilled as a man, and I have a hunger for transition that comes naturally. When I think of myself in the fullest terms as Isadora, I feel so much more gender dysphoria than when I'm putting up the act as a man, but I also feel more true to myself. It's just society has grinded me down so much I'm really just discovering myself instead of who I morphed myself into so I could fit into society without total despair.
So, think it over some. Find the real root cause of the repulsion. But in any case, if you aren't transsexual like you thought you were but rather bigender then don't fret about not being happy because being yourself will always give you its own kind of happiness. Ultimately, just go with what in the big picture feels the most right for you, and it'll all work out :)
I think it's very normal. I just went fulltime and transitioned at my company. After the first day, I almost wanted to go to HR and tell them that I changed my mind. Everything was business as usual, so I got hung up wondering if this was right for me. I was expecting some great feeling to wash over me, and it didn't. Life went on. By the end of the 3rd day, I realized that "business as usual" was the best way for this to happen, and that I was trying to doubt myself, like I had a hundred times in the past. If you aren't a little nervous or if you don't question if this is right for yourself, then you would to seek mental help...cause grrrlll....you is crazy.
Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 11:44:04 AM
Is being bi gender really a thing? Everytime I read it my new age bull->-bleeped-<- alarm goes off.
I wish I was like a computer program or something so I wouldn't have to worry about my gender. I don't want to be bi gender though, what am I even supposed to do then, it's not like I can ever be happy with my sex.
I'm not Bigender personally, although I do have some traits of it, so I can't say, but there is really no reason why it shouldn't exist, as there are crossdressers and ->-bleeped-<-s that switch between living male and female roles and may live in either the one of those roles at a time in periods.
But, 'Genderqueer', then? Or androgyne? People applying to those terms may not seldomly initially identify themselves as being transsexual, as they often share many similar traits and "symptoms" and may also be mistaken for transsexuals by therapists, but noneheless have difficulties feeling fully at home in either gender/Sex as their identity is not strictly male or female, although an androgyne nonetheless can be male-leaning or female-leaning.
You could ofcourse also truly be a transsexual, and may just feel they way you sometimes feels because you may be tired of being one, and wishes that you and everything else could just stay the same and that you could yet be happy(Which will however be difficult if you would truly be genuinly transsexual).
Regardless of what, only you knows the inner truth that is your Destiny. Listen to that inner You carefully and you will also know what is right for you.
Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 11:44:04 AM
Is being bi gender really a thing? Everytime I read it my new age bull->-bleeped-<- alarm goes off.
I wish I was like a computer program or something so I wouldn't have to worry about my gender. I don't want to be bi gender though, what am I even supposed to do then, it's not like I can ever be happy with my sex.
Since gender is not sex, I'd say yes. Even if you went on HRT and some days chose to express yourself as male, that would be okay, but not a normal urge (at least in my experience) for someone who expresses as a singular gender, especially when you express certain disdain towards a gender on certain days. Unfortunately, the effect of male hormones (because most people transfer post-puberty) make it that there are going to be certain things you have to pass as female, but bio-females can express themselves in a masculine way in the western world and most people are totally okay with it. I think you should remember that transitioning should be to make you feel more comfortable identifying with the "sex" you feel like, not necessarily the gender, because there's plenty of people who take hormones (both FTM & MTF) and still identify as queer or androgynous. Personally, I don't even remotely identify with this, but it's fine if other people do.
:p
Be yourself!, who ever that is, Just do what makes you happy, if you want to be a girl today and a guy tomorrow, just do it! Just go with whatever makes you comfortable and makes you feel better.
Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:38:40 AM
Most days I can't wait to go full time as a girl, but some days I'm really not looking forward to it and want to stay a guy. What's wrong with me?
other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.
you may want to do a lot of soul searching. If you don't have a therapist please get one before you decide to transition. If you do have a therapist, please talk to them about this.
Transitioning is a big step and I can say without hesitation it is the single most biggest decision of your life. If you are having doubts from your description then please take this advice seriously.
Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:38:40 AM
Most days I can't wait to go full time as a girl, but some days I'm really not looking forward to it and want to stay a guy. What's wrong with me?
Kia Ora HW,
::) It's not so much 'second' thoughts, it's more so you don't know who you really are ! And once you know for sure then things will flow from there[however,in which direction will depend on you]...
Metta Zenda :)
I had so many second thoughts. Even when I started full time. After awhile you get through the nerves and don't regret it one bit! ;)
Quote from: LordKAT on January 08, 2012, 10:20:07 AM
Then don't do it. You ;can't take back other's reactions to your statements or make them unheard. If you know now that it isn't quite right, don't do it. Time may change how you feel about it. When and if that happens, then go full time. Maybe it just isn't for you. That is OK, nothing wrong with you, I think that you're feelings are normal and you are not us just as we are not you.
Hey, What's wrong with changing your mind? I mean, so you grow some boobs, get an SRS, and come out at work (?) If you change your mind, you can always get counseling, later, right?
I had plenty of doubts within the first year and even some in the second year of my transition and no amount of thinking ever resolved the doubts, in fact, it probably made me more confused. My advice is to do whatever it is to get to the point of feeling at peace with yourself, without thinking the what ifs. I had to just go ahead and transition to find out if it was right, I couldn't know for 100% it was the right thing until I had transitioned for a significant period of time. I even once went back to presenting as male for a day to see how it would feel, and that put a lot of doubts out of my mind. So doing instead of thinking can sometimes move things forward more effectively.
I'm just nervous I guess. I've started to become pretty successful as a guy (Ironically in part cause I feel better on estrogen) and I don't want that success to go away.
I get like this a couple of times a month, but 98% of the time I'm mentally psyched.
well, that happen to me too, i am more succes...and comfy now, not because estrogen because i am not yet (well i was and i stop after 6 weeks for money and couple reasons) but yes because i lost t a lot of weight, and i take so much care of my look, and of course my personality is far better than in the past. But at same point i dont got a true succes..because be whit a woman being you a guy..no matter how much comfy / cute you are mean that you must be manly in attitudes and actions :) .... and sure be in a relation dont help...anyway...the know that i am far more atractive than before..and far more interesting as person...well make a bit more hard the transition making me thoug in if lost it is what i want....and just for be (in my worse nightmares) a freak that look as a " ugly man in dress"
I whish so many times had that kind of revelation that some have "i know what i am girl from my 3 years" ..or in other way born whit a slim small bone effeminatte build and gay...to just make a "natural" transition (like Masha do) any one of this 2 ways would make my chose more easy...than be what i am now. I only can do "baby steps" and try to insight how i feel about.but always whit the feel that my best years will gone soon...and maybe when i do the transition will be so late (just to point..i dont have to much interest in the life after 45 / 50 indeed my dad die at the 58 so..)
Quote from: Emi on January 09, 2012, 07:28:00 PM
well, that happen to me too, i am more succes...and comfy now, not because estrogen because i am not yet (well i was and i stop after 6 weeks for money and couple reasons) but yes because i lost t a lot of weight, and i take so much care of my look, and of course my personality is far better than in the past. But at same point i dont got a true succes..because be whit a woman being you a guy..no matter how much comfy / cute you are mean that you must be manly in attitudes and actions :) .... and sure be in a relation dont help...anyway...the know that i am far more atractive than before..and far more interesting as person...well make a bit more hard the transition making me thoug in if lost it is what i want....and just for be (in my worse nightmares) a freak that look as a " ugly man in dress"
I whish so many times had that kind of revelation that some have "i know what i am girl from my 3 years" ..or in other way born whit a slim small bone effeminatte build and gay...to just make a "natural" transition (like Masha do) any one of this 2 ways would make my chose more easy...than be what i am now. I only can do "baby steps" and try to insight how i feel about.but always whit the feel that my best years will gone soon...and maybe when i do the transition will be so late (just to point..i dont have to much interest in the life after 45 / 50 indeed my dad die at the 58 so..)
I feel exactly the same way. Life would be a lot easier if:
1. I had always known I was a girl since I was 3, like many do
2. I was a gay man
3. I have a slight build
Quote from: Assoluta on January 08, 2012, 08:02:24 PM
I had plenty of doubts within the first year and even some in the second year of my transition and no amount of thinking ever resolved the doubts, in fact, it probably made me more confused. My advice is to do whatever it is to get to the point of feeling at peace with yourself, without thinking the what ifs. I had to just go ahead and transition to find out if it was right, I couldn't know for 100% it was the right thing until I had transitioned for a significant period of time. I even once went back to presenting as male for a day to see how it would feel, and that put a lot of doubts out of my mind. So doing instead of thinking can sometimes move things forward more effectively.
This...this...I'm gonna hold onto this tidbit for the near future.
So my experience is a little different as I have learned and come to better understand myself (as I do not ID with the gender binary)...but I wanted to share it in hopes that it may help in some way with your struggles on doubt and second thoughts.
I have come close several times over the course of 3-4 years to attempt transition...however each and every time I ran into the same wall consistently: one of fear and doubt. Did it eliminate the problem of gender for me to bury it afterwards? Oh heck no. All it did was make me feel horrible. As I have tried numerous routes to become more comfortable with myself and understand who I am, it occurred to me: I was thinking on the totally wrong terms. In the past several months I have begun to shift my thinking towards a new realization: I have been trying to fit an exclusive gender to myself but have never been fully consistent inside. In fact, I found a term that best describes me, more so than genderqueer even does, pangender. I still....want to deal with this, because gender is still a very prevalent issue to me and it continues to influence and inhibit on my life. I have resolved that I MUST deal with it in order to finally move on. But, for me, what could I do? I have had, like you, recently more success personally living in the male gender role...but don't want to lose that, yet don't know how I can make things better for me with gender. Then something occurred to me in the past week....
I was thinking about this the wrong way entirely. Gender does not fully apply to me because I do not fully ID as either....so WHY ON EARTH have I been trying to think of it on a binary-level basis for so long?! It no longer made sense, and as soon as I thought of that, it became more clear what I had to do. It cut a good part of static out that I was trying to figure out with my connection to the world around me, and got straight to the heart of the matter. I still want to go onto hormones, I know that much, and with this realization, I saw past the binary that unlike most, cis or trans, is able to be comfortable with. (because they can ID as either male or female) It's literally a foreign thing to me....I can't fully comprehend it, and some days I wish I could, or I wish it were that easy. But it's not. That was not and never has been my reality, but I did not realize it until after years and years of struggling blindly. It's about what is going to me most comfortable for me, and to do that I have to do away with the binary completely (at least, on a personal level, because the world around me is still going to try and judge my gender) to make that happen.
Now, tying into what Assoluta said, the doubts are gonna be there....and like she said and I can definitely relate, sometimes the more you try to figure it out, the worse it becomes and the more confusing it can get in the process. It's a case-by-case basis and we will all have different experiences, but you have to be able to decipher for yourself how you truly feel about it. It's not easy, and can take a long time to do it (I've been trying to actively deal with this for 5 years now, and a lot of the time it seems like no end is in sight), but if you can speak to a gender therapist, they can equip you over time to rationalize and challenge thought processes that may be inhibiting you from seeing it. They can help you to devise healthy ways and strategies to analyze why you are feeling this way in the face of handling changes. Doubts can be normal, and I believe to be healthy as well, but when they became too the point that they controlled my life, that's when they get to be way too much. (and it's taken a long time for me to see that) I found too, that focusing my energy into things that are more positive is a good thing, as feeding that doubt would result in me feeling horrible 100% of the time.
This may have sounded long-winded and I apologize if it did (I just woke up 20 min ago from a nap...still sleepy), but I hope my experiences can give some kind of insight for you, or help in some way...at the very least to let you know that you are most certainly not alone in this.
I try NOT to step too close here - but there are some folks that GROOVE on self-doubt, getting 100s of different sorts of advice, and then in any case do the 'wrong' thing.
I have no idea how clear you are about making decisions in other areas of your life, if not then that be an indication on what you have to work on --- long before jumping into the deep end of transition.
Gosh, as Annah said so rightly: "I was the most important decision in my LIFE!"
And so it was in mine, and many others for sure.
That's no play-play stuff honey.
If you have a habit of being "stuck in the middle" in other situations, I suggest you go look into that before making a move.
Note: "If you do not know what to do... do nothing, - until you DO know."
Axélle
Quote from: JasonRX on January 08, 2012, 10:16:25 AM
Perhaps you identify more with bi-gender or "gender fluid"?
You should probably refer to here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer) and see if any of these might sound like you - and then do further research.
Informative link. Thanks, Jason.
I would be more worried if you DIDN'T have any second thoughts. It's a huge decision, and shouldn't be taken lightly. If you had absolutely no conflict, you are obviously seeing the situation with blinders on. I have one friend who is so completely set on transition/living full-time that they don't seem to have even considered the fact that they may not actually be trans (as the majority of my friends and I feel could possibly be the case). It's a GOOD thing that you're confronting yourself with this question, because it shows that you're serious about this decision. There's nothing wrong with thinking it out and trying to figure out if it's completely right for you to transition/go full-time, because, in the end, it's a life changing decision that is difficult to take back for a number of reasons. If you deliberate with yourself about it, you'll be able to rest easy that what you're doing is right for you.
Personally, I don't think of myself as "being a woman" or "being a man"... I just think of myself as "being me".
Really, it is all an issue of semantics. Decide what you like...what you think will make you happy and how it will affect your life... and then go from there.
I'm 10 months into hormones and still have no clue "what I am" :P It shifts day from day....hour from hour :P
Quote from: Heartwood (Alex) on January 08, 2012, 09:59:28 AM
Well it's not like most days I want to be a girl and some days I want to be a girl but I think it'll be hard.
Some days I want to be a girl and other days I really want to be a guy and the thought of me being a girl repulses me.
I am aware that this might come a bit too late, but I feel compulsed to share a bit of my story on this topic.
I too have had the same doubts from time to time some year ago, about a year or so of concidering transition, intense doubts about what I was doing and loathing of everything "girly" that I did to feel more like myself. I thought of giving it all up and going back to my "ordinary" life, and dismissing all the hopes of ever being what I wanted to be. Although, looking back now I realize I couldn't do this even if I went with it, because I'm sure that the part of me would never let that pass. And as time went on, these recurring thoughts, they did come over the last year--just with much less intensity. And nowdays when they resurface from time to time, they seem so trivial and petty that they don't bother me and are secondary to everything else in my life. And I am sure that they will wane as more time passes, because now I know what I am and I could never go back to what I was.
My point is-- you will have to see for yourself, try to live without it and see if you will be able to do that for the rest of your life. If it comes back, then all you will have to go along with it. Then, when you do, give it time, because every change is hard (especially those of a life-changing character which many of us face), time will prove if you're (OR not) on the right path.
I don't know if I was able to put the right idea across, but I sincerely hope this messy post helps in some way. :)
Kind regards,
Viv.
I had second thoughts, hardened myself, now I have third thoughts and I want to soften myself again.
When you feminize, you literally GET SOFTER.
So try working on that. It may help your transition.