Susan's Place Transgender Resources

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-Emerald  :icon_mrgreen:

Good question!

While my parents occasionally did this I received alot more "gender correction" from my peers.

hugs & smiles
helen

I was an Army brat with a career Sergeant for a father.  Nuff said?
But like Helen, I did receive a lot of "correction" from my peers, also.

Bev

Memories, always beautiful and yet!  :'(  Yeah, I was always punished for "acting" like a girl.  I never felt like I "acted" though; that was simply how I was, but I guess it wasn't appropriate for a "boy" to act that way.  I remember my mom "teaching" me how to sit, walk, stand, talk, carry my books.  Geez, it always seemed that I did nothing right, and I felt so alone......not very nice memories....but again it is part of my life nonetheless. :)

tink :icon_chick:

I was told, as well as shown by example, what was expected of me so I learned at a very early age how to act.  I feared my father immensely when I was young and rarely got out of line.  I knew what would happen if I did and doing anything feminine would have brought his wrath immediately.  I picked 'other' on the poll. 

I'm not sure how my mom would have responded if I acted femininely but I don't think it would have been that big a deal to her.

I think one of the reasons everyone was shocked when I decided to transition was I did a pretty good job acting like a guy.  And now I find myself feeling like a phony when I do, but that only happens at work.

Julie

I think my parents were convinced that I was gay.  I was a pretty nerdy kid, but I only had guy friends, not even any real girlfriends until I met the woman who became (and is) my wife.  I spent all of my time in books or on the computer.

They did push me a bit from the gay thing, especially my dad.  Insisting that I ask girls to functions and to hang out rather than just with my small group of friends.  They never said anything explicit.  They didn't operate like that. 

If they only knew what was really going on . . . If I had only the courage and foresight to have known then . . . Bah.  "If only"s get us nowhere.

Hell, though, if only I knew what is going on right now.

b/d

dad was/is the strictest.  he always wanted me to follow his example and join the navy or the police force.  none of that happened so i had my behind [chewed out] many times.  when i [confronted] my gender issues, he finally gave in and [promised] to accept me.  he still has some problems with my issues, but he has come a very long way.

I picked the first choice, as my step-father and his sons where always on me about being 'fruity', and I quickly learned how to behave so as not to receive unwanted attention.

My mother supported me somewhat, and would have supported me fully if she could have stood up to my stepfather.

My father just took me as I was, and didn't acknowledge anything he didn't like (it's still true today.)

My step-mother gave me a bit of grief over any non-manly traits or behaviours when I was young, but today she accepts me.

I'd say the biggest negative influence, and most significant, was the stepfather (and step-brothers,) followed by the taunts, etc. from other kids at school.

Karen

Oh sure, how I walked... how I phrased things... my gestures... my passivity and submission to others...

And yet, other things didn't seem to bug mom. I asked her to teach me crochet (terrified to ask), and she was cool with it. I'd brush her hair for her and try and style it. I loved watching soap operas with her. I'd try to help her cook, or at least pretend I was doing it. I loved shopping at the time (hate it now though, lol). I love being domestic, taking care of things.

I mean I wasn't *extremely* feminine - certainly nothing like how I see some young gay children can be - but it was enough to be corrected on often enough though, which eventually made me feel very ashamed and scared and on-guard.

Kate

I don't recall my parents ever trying to make me act like a boy, although they did buy male clothing for me  :( Most of the gender policing came from other kids in school.

zythyra

My parents were always loving, but tried to make me act like a tough boy.  I was smaller than the other kids, cried a lot when very small, and was picked on by bullies.  During those times I so envied the girls who were permitted to act like I was naturally doing, without being told they were wrong.  My mother and I marveled (and still do) at how my hands and feet are exactly like hers.  Yet I was taught how to fight, how to stuff my feelings, how never to cry, and how to never let anyone get the best of me.  Unfortunately, I learned those lessons all too well.  They have been poor tools for survival.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Father - verbal & physical violence, teasing & humiliation in front of his friends, chained me to the front porch in a dog collar and sexually abused me to show what it would be like if I continued to act like a girl.

Mother - No protection, just sympathy after the fact.

But I over came and triumphed over this abuse because of my female strength. This was an insight from my thearpist. She shared this with me that in her 25+ year career she has seen that almost all children who go through that level of abuse end up in the penal or mental institutions. And the only reason I didn't is because of my compassion, empathy, sensitivity and ability to love. Every time in the past when the rage would over come me and I wanted to destroy everything in my path, the real me would not let me go through with hurting myself or others. And through my gift I have conquered the rage.

A blessed gift.

I have now been sober for almost 14 years after just quiting one day and never looking back. I have been with my wife for 18 years, have three wonderful and secure children (this has righted the wrong) and continue to have a very successful career.

The only thing left is to find and live with an inner peace.

Gwen

Gwen

They did and STILL do even while they know all about it and I'm almost a legal adult.

I can almost ditto what Kristi said.

I was a boy. To be otherwise meant a beating... at least in my mind. My father was intensely strict when I was small. My brother would test his limits but I never challenged my father.  He softened up significantly after my older sister committed suicide.

When I finally did come out to my parents it was a confrontation after they had already been told about my "promiscuity".  He threatened violence if he ever saw me in a dress. But he's been very supportive for many years. He doesn't get it. He almost never gets the pronouns right.  But I love my daddy. Oh and he'll be here in 36 hours. I haven't seen him and mom for months.  I love it when they come to stay at MY house every spring!

Cindi

My mother is a vicious tomboy with a fused pelvic bone....  my father is a vicious mans man (though he dosnt like sprots) and for the majority of my life I feared them more than I feared anything.... which is why I think Im currently disowned....

My parrents would constantly correct me through out my life growing up as to my "prope" gender....

When I was 7 or 8 I went shopping with my mom and saw some wonderful pruple fabric... I asked hert o buy some and make me a skirt out of it..... <She was a pretty decent seemstres>  instead she bought it and made a pair of slacks and said "youra boy... boys dont wear skirts... heres your slacks"  that haunted me for years and stillkinda does....

My father caught me in female atire when I was 14 or 15... closer to 15 I think.... as I had been doing it frequently at my grandmothers house for quite a while at that point....  He beat the liveing hell out of me and reinforced that I was "male" and shouldnt be doing that....  it caused a massive purge... he actualy THREATONED me with transition.....  I wish I handt been so affraid at that point and been hosnest rather than lied through my teeth.... <THough I may have wished I were dead if I had>

I was chatting online recently through one of my blog sites with a young transgendered woman. She was only 16 or 17, very attractive, and was very open about her femaleness.  I asked her how she had dealt with her parents who initially were very much opposed on religious grounds.

She told me that she dressed in a provocative short skirt, heels, and bobbles... all ready for a night out dancing.  She then picked up a revolver and went into the living room where her parents were watching TV.  She held the muzzle to her temple and informed them: "Look, this is who I am. If you don't like it, let me know right now and I'll paint your wall. If you can accept me, I'm going out dancing."  She went out dancing and apparently hasn't had a problem since.  I don't know if the story is true or not, but I got the vibes that she had actually done it.  And I think she would have painted the wall if the answer had been otherwise.

While I think the act is absolutely desperate, I do have a sense of admiration for the tactic. It worked.  And she had no further flack over the issue.

It wasn't until I had a breakdown and my parents were informed just how close they had come to losing their child that they finally made a step forward to accept me.  It is a wake up call that parents sometimes need I suppose.


Cindi

My parent never made much of an effort to do any correction - up until puberty they just let me do what I wanted pretty much, although I probably wasn't that overtly feminine most of the time, and after that it wasn't a issue because I tried so incredibly hard to keep everything hidden.

The few times during my teenage years when questions were raised : my mother finding out that I was shaving my legs, my parents finding the make-up and clothes that I'd forgotten and left in my room the week after I moved out, the complete revulsion I would show when either of them started asking me about when "I was going to meet a girl" before they just stopped asking completely - were just laughed off and not really thought about again. From what my mother has told me since I came out to them, they both thought that I might be gay, and they just didn't really think any more of it because they thought I would tell them when I was comfortable with it. I guess they were wrong :).

Megan

I voted "other" on this one. My parents never came out and said "you are supposed to do this, this, and this", but it was understood. But even so they gave me some room to be me. I'd play street football with the guys after school and hopscotch with my sister after supper. And now that I can see past situations more clearly, even when my mother discovered that I was crossdressing when I was in high school she was upset that I was wearing clothes that weren't mine to wear, not that I was crossdressing.

There weren't really any restrictions put on me in my childhood as to gender roles...I didn't care for female playthings but wasn't overly-fond of male ones either. My parents didn't care. As long as I had my books, my bike, and my roller blades I was set. I wasn't overtly feminine or masculine- I mean, I wore dresses for special occasions (so long as they weren't itchy), but most of the time I wore grungy androgynous clothing. But I wore my hair long and had my ears pierced and had a pink princess nightgown (through early elementary school) so...*shrug*

As I got older and started wearing my hair short and dressing only in boys clothes, they really didn't care. My clothes were cheaper than most girls, I didn't want expensive makeup, and I still only liked books so I was cheap and easy to have around. They didn't have much to complain about in that arena.

I was always punished if I showed any femininity, usually either I was yelled at and told that boys don't do or wear that or got the strap, I was dragged off to do the guy things even though I didn't really want to do them, and i remember at least one time, Mum threatened to cut off my penis and make me a girl if I kept acting and dressing as a girl, this really scared me as here was someone who loved me threating me with physical harm, even if, at the time, secretly I would love to have my penis removed (This is what I am planning on doing anyway, when I can get the money, to have the operation". While at school, when I showed signs of femininity, I was bullied and beaten up, even the teaches said things like "boy's don't do that", "your a boy, act like one", or "go play with the other boys and not the girls"
but that is in the past now and I am now living and working as the woman I really am.

:icon_hug: :icon_hug: and  :-*  :-* Sharon

I don't think there were many explicit restrictions in my family but there were probably many unspoken restrictions as I remember doing things that were not quite male but still within acceptable limits. I remember when I was 5 or so I got mum to take me to ballet and gymnastics because these were things I thought girls did. I collected stuffed toys and always loved helping out in the kitchen ever since I could walk. My grandmothers indulged me here in a family where males stayed out of the kitchen.

My dad has manic depression and would often have hair trigger violent mood swings so I learnt to keep a low profile anyway.

My dad never really had much input on my upbringing and my step dad was about as good as a male role model as.... well he was not a good male role model.

As for my mum she would be constantly telling me that i acted like a "woman". I never got punished for it though.... that was left to the idiots at school! Infact I think my mum liked the female side of me now I think about it. Made me a better person i think to be honest and not some awful male chauvinist or a homophobe for that matter.

<3 my mum.

<3

I lived with my mom so it was confusing....One day i would get beat for being like my dad and then the next day because i was not acting tough enough.

The dig was they wanted me to be like my cousin who was making out at age 12. It stop being cute when we had to hide him from irate fathers. I was constantly reminded that i did not measure up to him until i was 18.

IDK i felt hurt all the time and a misfit..........

i was born is, and my parents were told to raise me as male as possible to reinforce the repairs to me.
private boys school from 2 -18, little or no social contact with females my age, punishment for any signs of femininity in me. reinforceing of masculinity.
well that worked :P
R :police:

My parents never said anything.  In some ways they enabled me.

My mother was always happy to teach me to cook and clean and sew.  I was the only one who cleaned the oven.  I always did the laundery.  And my favorite toy was mom's sewing machine.  Nobody said anything when my sister outgrew her doll house and I took it over.  My dad even helped me get a new motor for my own sewing machine.  Both my parents taught me to be a pacifist and never fight back when I was bullied.  All of this suited my self-image.

Because of my early sexual experimentation, I got called "queer" by kids in the neighborhood.  I suppose my parents figured I was gay because they seemed so relieved when I got married.

I have a few memories from my childhood but none of my parents correcting my behavior. I can remember only once, when I was a teenager, my father asked if I could go out and play football with the other boys instead of sit inside and knit. I can remember being home sick from school, I must have been 8-10 years old, and mum was going in to the city to do some shopping (yes, I was left home alone, but it was the 60's). She would always ask if I wanted anything when I wasn't well and on this occasion I had seen one of those knitting rings and asked if I could have one. She didn't even blink and sure enough, she got me one. My mother has always been there for me while my father has been more in the background (making all the big decissions :)). Mum taught me how to knit, I taught her how to crochet, I did her hair, she did mine :).

I was mistaken for a girl several times as a child and even my older brother just accepted it when people asked whether I was his sister.

I was beaten anytime I showed any signs of being girly ( or "acting like a queer" as my dad put it) ironically during the same years he was so into gay bashing he sexually molested me even while he was trying to force me to be a boy! I don't think I was the one with the real issues!!

I said OTHER because my life was full of movement and had no structure to it.

   I lived in foster homes for a long time.  At least one of the women busted me pretty hard on acting like a girl before I even knew what that meant.  One of the menn took the opportunity to molest.  Both of these things added to the confusion in my life.

   I never really had an extended period of time when I was 'schooled' on how to be anything.


Posted on: October 01, 2007, 12:26:24 PM

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Quote from: Jessie_Heart on October 01, 2007, 11:05:24 AM
I was beaten anytime I showed any signs of being girly ( or "acting like a queer" as my dad put it) ironically during the same years he was so into gay bashing he sexually molested me even while he was trying to force me to be a boy! I don't think I was the one with the real issues!!

Did you confront him when you became big enough?  Just curious.  You don't have to respond, however, I think I have a topic for a new thread.


Rebis

Quote from: Rebis on October 01, 2007, 12:27:59 PM
Did you confront him when you became big enough?  Just curious.  You don't have to respond, however, I think I have a topic for a new thread.


Rebis

I have confronted him a few times about these things and his reaction is to get defensive and tell me that he did the best job he could to raise me and my brothers and then he starts talking how I didn't have it so bad. the last time I saw him was four years ago right before he went to prison (for armed robbery) and we had an arguement about this and I guess by that time I had become as masculine as everyone wanted me to be because when the yelling started I stepped toward him and I saw fear in his eyes fear of me. the wierd thing is I always thought it would be a good feeling to have him afraid of me but it wasn't because all I could think was what kind of monster had I become to have a monster like him afraid of me. if you want to know more just ask I am not shy but I just can't write anymore right now!

Quote from: Jessie_Heart on October 01, 2007, 12:52:50 PM

Quote from: Rebis on October 01, 2007, 12:27:59 PM
Did you confront him when you became big enough?  Just curious.  You don't have to respond, however, I think I have a topic for a new thread.


Rebis

I have confronted him a few times about these things and his reaction is to get defensive and tell me that he did the best job he could to raise me and my brothers and then he starts talking how I didn't have it so bad. the last time I saw him was four years ago right before he went to prison (for armed robbery) and we had an arguement about this and I guess by that time I had become as masculine as everyone wanted me to be because when the yelling started I stepped toward him and I saw fear in his eyes fear of me. the wierd thing is I always thought it would be a good feeling to have him afraid of me but it wasn't because all I could think was what kind of monster had I become to have a monster like him afraid of me. if you want to know more just ask I am not shy but I just can't write anymore right now!

I have nothing more to ask.  You were very clear in your response.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.
  For a while, I felt I was becoming like certain members of my own family and I hated myself.  I had to work hard to understand that I am my own person.  I am a good person who can be better, but I am definitely not the person I was afraid of becoming.
  I don't think you have anything to fear concerning yourself either.


Love,

Rebis

Quote from: Rebis on October 01, 2007, 07:50:18 PM

   I have nothing more to ask.  You were very clear in your response.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.
  For a while, I felt I was becoming like certain members of my own family and I hated myself.  I had to work hard to understand that I am my own person.  I am a good person who can be better, but I am definitely not the person I was afraid of becoming.
  I don't think you have anything to fear concerning yourself either.


Love,

Rebis

thank you for your kindness Rebis and as far as being sorry for me going through that I truely appreciate the sentiment behind your words but I am not sorry for the things I have gone through (I would never want to try to go through them again mind you!) everything I have been through has made me a better person. the incident with my father being afraid of me showed me how I was viewed by others in the role I was trying to act out and it woke me up to the fact that even if it was an act it was who I was to the world and it put me on this path to opening up and allowing me to be who I truely am! and as far as my childhood I was shown how it felt to be treated in that manner and I know I would never want to treat others that way. if I had never went through it I may not have learned how important it is to treat others well. so it is all a victory in the fact I have learned very important through pain that I may not have learned otherwise! and the fear that I might be capable of being that type of person will always assure the fact that I will be conscience of how I treat others so even that is a good thing!

I was raised by my mother single-handedly and she always treaded me and my little brother equally. She didn't care if I was male or female during pretend games (I think choos male characters more often but I'm not sure).
Ironically it seems to have not really worked with my brother: he (now 15) always expects my mother doing anything for him and often asks me to make him something to eat when she is not around. (I never do it. Most of the time it's just frozen pizza or something our mum made the day privious and you just have to put into the microwave. That's just ridiculous.)
It could be gender related (well, he surely never saw his father (or another male) doing something in our home because there was nobody) but it's equally possible that it's just pure laziness on his part... :-\

However, I'm really happy my mum had no problems with me playing with the boys and my years lasting hating-barbie-dolls-and-the colour-pink-phase after my fourth birthday... ;)

No, my parent(s) never really mentioned it. There were no birth sex expectations/restrictions.

I know I am lucky to have two loving parents. As far as I know how I would act or dress was not interfered with by them (other people is a whole different matter). The biggest expectation/restriction would be the two or three times a year at a family reunion when I had to look and act my best...whatever that was supposed to mean.

Although, my mother started to give me little comments once I was a teenager, very subtle because I cannot recall exactly when they started or when they stopped. Just that there were some comments I was meant to take to heart. My parents, though liberal in so many ways, do not speak directly about anything relating to sex, including gender. I never even got "the talk" from them.

edit--So an absence of being taught how to act this or that gender may have stemmed from that they were uncomfortable with bringing up the matter, not purposely doing something for me or my well being. Who knows, bringing up gender may have been good for me because they are smart people. Yet, I have no idea what they think when it comes to maleness or femaleness...I can only guess.

Yes, my parent(s) occasionally reminded me to behave more consistently with my birth sex.

I didnt 'cos I didnt know how so my parents got mad all the time.   when I was 11.  I told them that I was a boy.  they didnt bother me no more & let me be.

Here's the long answer:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,20810.msg159011.html#msg159011

My parents didn't really hold to gender conformity with our past times as kids...

My favorite toy (then and now) are remote control cars :D .. They told me I couldn't go for sports, but that had more with me being a klutz then being a girl... My sister was the star athlete in our family.... My brother played sports too but my sister was better :P lol..

neither my sister or me (our our mother) is expressly feminine..

 i was fairly free. i was nudged in some directions. i remember my dad not wanting me to kiss him, but to hug him instead as a kiss was a bit girly. I still kiss him, just on his bald patch, the element of teasing that brings seems to remasculify the action a little.