I've been insecure and shy ever since I was little, and I just grew up with low self-esteem. I was wondering if this was partly due to the fact that I'm a FTM?
Like I feel a lot more comfortable around guys than girls, but I usually don't hang with them since they treat me as a girl, which isn't their fault at all because I'm closeted. And I'm even worse around girls, since I'm just naturally shy, and when I'm with a group of girls I force myself to act more feminine so they wouldn't be weirded out by me.
Just wondering if anyone else is like this? :(
I can't really say for everyone, but what you described sounds pretty familiar to my story. Though in high school I went through a phase where many people would have called me a little outgoing. I was still insecure about it and it didn't last more than a few years.
I'm still shy and quiet, but I've opened up to a few girls and I definitely feel more comfortable hanging out with them.
You're definitely not alone.
Yep.
Pretty much.
When you have to hide who and what you are an unstable, reactive personality naturally forms. People without GID can be who they are to a much greater degree. I have no friends and the closest I have come to a romantic relationship was a Valentine's Day card that I received when I was 12. I greatly value truth and honesty in relationships which is impossible when you have to deny a huge part of yourself.
I was a 'ghost' at school and I am still a ghost.
I think it is the odd transperson who isn't at least a little insecure. Just because people don't outwardly seem it doesn't mean they aren't internalising it. I was/am so socially inept that I just stopped socialising until I can overcome some of my insecurity. Added to ineptness is the fact that I'm deaf in my right ear and can't hear what people are saying sometimes.
I think it's probably quite normal if you're one of "us". I certainly was very shy, insecure and had very low self esteem but hid behind clowning around and became relatively popular. I never ever to this day conquered the low self esteem, might get there some day with a bit of luck, hope you do as-well.
I guess I'm the odd one out here, I'm over the top extroverted and always have been. I don't believe being shy is part of being trans. Was I insecure about being a woman when I first went full time? Of course that is likely pretty normal but it didn't take my long to blow that off and just be myself.
Quote from: Stephe on January 20, 2012, 09:35:13 PM
I don't believe being shy is part of being trans.
I would agree that it's not a part of being trans. But shyness is a very easy side effect of being uncomfortable. Being trans can very easily make things uncomfortable for a person.
Everyone is different. If you can be a strong extrovert, I admire you.
I agree, it's different for everyone and the main reason people are outgoing is because they're comfortable with who they are, while for transgenders it is obviously be more difficult :( Thanks for the replies, and I have another question for those on T or E..did your insecurities become better after starting hormone replacement due to the fact that you're finally becoming the person you really are? Hope my question won't offend anyone..
Quote from: Jaehjlee on January 20, 2012, 09:54:28 PM
I agree, it's different for everyone and the main reason people are outgoing is because they're comfortable with who they are, while for transgenders it is obviously be more difficult :( Thanks for the replies, and I have another question for those on T or E..did your insecurities become better after starting hormone replacement due to the fact that you're finally becoming the person you really are? Hope my question won't offend anyone..
Hormones had zero effect for me. I guess I became comfortable with being trans years ago, although -mostly- passing as a female is still a goal.
For me getting my voice sorted was probably the biggest thing in "acting normal" again in my new gender. My looks have never really bothered me, even when I know I didn't pass at all. I've never minded standing out in a crowd (the mega extrovert in me again) but I hated looking fem and sounding like a guy, especially when I started to pass better. I found myself refraining from talking, which isn't my nature. It's nice to be able to strike up conversations standing in line or voicing my opinions in front of a crowd at a meeting etc and not be self conscious about my voice.
I was always a mass of insecurities and low self esteem. I could never believe I was good at anything. I think, because it was never me. I was a faker from the get go and HAD to be perfect or my cover is blown. If I wasn't good at what I was tasked with then the next thing to happen is they will see that I wasn't a guy.
These same insecurities had a lot to do with me ditching my first two attempts at transition. While doing the part-time thing I always felt like I was faking that! I was just some guy in a dress. Faking being a "Normal" guy seemed easier.
Nowadays, I still feel a bit like I am faking being a guy and am the most happiest being Joanne. My therapist noted how much more confident I am as Joanne then as John. Funny how time, and few life catastrophes, will change things. As I try to meld the two mes into one whole healthy person I am not as insecure overall. It still doesn't take a lot, but only from very narrow specific sources, to wreck my self esteem.
Being completely closeted is like being an unprepared spy in an enemy country. The best survival situation is to keep as low a profile as possible. This works in the short to medium term. However, once you get to be say 40 and you have had no friends, no romantic relationships, and precious little experience of mixing as a twenty and 30something then life will become intolerable.
It is far better to start transitioning now however afraid or unsure you are, because once you come out as yourself then not only will you feel much better, more calm and centred, you will be able to form genuine friendships with others. Others will see you for who you are and the choice of becoming your friend or not will be up to them.
Imagine this situation James has just announced to 'his' friends that 'he' is going to become Janice'. The whole foundation of friendship is honesty. The reason you are comfortable with certain people and they with you is that they like what you appear to be, and they feel that they know you as well as it is possible to know another person. Now imagine James' friends reaction to 'his' shocking(from their point of view) announcement. They are going to feel deceived, manipulated, lied to. They are going to think was James just being my friend to get things from me? Or worse 'Oh my God was James sexually attracted to me?!!'
Be honest come out and yes risk losing friends, but you gain the double satisfaction of being finally able to express yourself and your remaining friends and any new friends will be there because they genuinely like you.
Quote from: Stephe on January 20, 2012, 09:35:13 PM
I guess I'm the odd one out here, I'm over the top extroverted and always have been. I don't believe being shy is part of being trans. Was I insecure about being a woman when I first went full time? Of course that is likely pretty normal but it didn't take my long to blow that off and just be myself.
You're a party girl.
I can tell :D
Your story sounds just like mine. I'm practically made of insecurity. :(
The people you surround yourself with can make or break a person's security.
I haven't met anyone: cis, trans, whatever, that isn't insecure. Even if they do a good job of faking like they aren't they still are about something.
Quote from: shortNsweet on January 21, 2012, 11:32:51 PM
The people you surround yourself with can make or break a person's security.
This is VERY true. If not for the support from my boyfriend, I would never have developed the self confidence I have. I do feel once U have it you're good to go but getting there is difficult.
Quote from: Happy Girl! on January 20, 2012, 07:38:17 PM
When you have to hide who and what you are an unstable, reactive personality naturally forms. People without GID can be who they are to a much greater degree. I have no friends and the closest I have come to a romantic relationship was a Valentine's Day card that I received when I was 12. I greatly value truth and honesty in relationships which is impossible when you have to deny a huge part of yourself.
I was a 'ghost' at school and I am still a ghost.
You sound just like me - I'm amazed. I sympathize - often wondered why I have very few friends, and the single romantic relationship I was involved in was entirely driven by my partner's desire for me, and I was just going through the motions. It lasted the better part of a month - all I seemed to be able to do is go out to dinner with her, have a nice night on the town. The intimacy part just didn't work. I couldn't play the role that my physiology demands. It just wasn't right.
All my behavior is driven by hiding, at work, and in life in general. I hide who I am, I hide the inherent behaviors that I know - and you know, now that I'm in transition I'm trying less to hide them. For some odd reason, every job I've ever had, everyone in the workplace thinks I'm gay after a month or two. I went to lunch with a very open lesbian lady at the office - and she told me that she thought the reason I asked her out to lunch was because I was gay. I just put out 'something' intangible...
Or is it intangible? Voice, intonation, mannerisms are all very female as I've been told by numerous people. I believe it, but I just don't know how else to act or be. Guess my hiding doesn't really work all that well...
As far as the original poster is concerned - of course it's normal. I think it's a normal human behavior. Somebody who isn't insecure is someone with a problem in my view. Of course there are many varying degrees of insecurity - and I think just by the virtue of who we are - people who have been forced into the wrong bodies; made to take an artificial gender role that society demands of them will always lead us to question who we are, why we're doing this thing, and so on and so forth. It's just the nature of the beast.
I have so many problems being extremely shy plus many health issues that insecurity is so high with me that a normal life is impossiable. you not alone feeling that way. i never dated in high schools nor in my adult life never had any relationship. never had sex with anyone too shy to have such close bonds.
Quote from: RAY on January 22, 2012, 09:23:03 PM
I have so many problems being extremely shy plus many health issues that insecurity is so high with me that a normal life is impossiable. you not alone feeling that way. i never dated in high schools nor in my adult life never had any relationship. never had sex with anyone too shy to have such close bonds.
My story is just about the same. I'm VERY shy. I have never had a local relationship or dated locally and I haven't had sex. I haven't even kissed a person or held hands in a real romantice sense with someone. I know it comes fro mbeing transgendered. I wasn't good enough to fit in with the guys and I wasn't girly enough to fit in with the girls so I was and still am a loner. I was constantly bullied and teased and to this day my self-confidence is shot to an all time low and being obese doesn't help. I even find it weird when people compliment me.
I'm a strange case I think. I'm generally really shy and insecure, but over time I've learned to make it a character trait and act extroverted around people (especially drunk, I'm a belligerent drunk :angel: ). Which really helps me cope when I'm around people, but then when I have to go home it gets ugly.
I've never been so insecure though as recently after beginning to come out and being out with friends with whom I'm still closeted. I guess I never really thought about my "situation" before I let myself believe that's what's been my problem socially all these years.
I was very insecure.. At least I was until I started my transition.. Now? No, not much.. I have a purpose, I have a direction and a plan..
It's a relief to see that I'm not alone :/
Quote from: Malachite on January 23, 2012, 09:54:28 PM
I wasn't good enough to fit in with the guys and I wasn't girly enough to fit in with the girls
Malachite, that describes how I feel EXACTLY. I just wanna hang out with all the guys, but they treat me differently because I'm a girl in their eyes (in everyone's eyes, actually..). I was hoping once I start to transition and give myself a fresh start, things will play out differently!
You and I both Jaehlee and for me at least start anew in a whole different place and leave the past behind me.
I had low self esteem, I was bullied all my life, And seen for something I wasn't. Yes I'm insecure. But I'm so much less insecure. I'm not afraid to talk to strangers anymore. And I got over a lot of that insecurity, using hats. silly hats, cool hats, etc. So long as it stood out. It made people smile, laugh and boosted morale a hair at work. And it got me used to being seen. I made the determination that I can't float through life. I needed to be myself.
Quote from: Keaira on January 24, 2012, 04:33:46 AM
I had low self esteem, I was bullied all my life, And seen for something I wasn't. Yes I'm insecure. But I'm so much less insecure. I'm not afraid to talk to strangers anymore. And I got over a lot of that insecurity, using hats. silly hats, cool hats, etc. So long as it stood out. It made people smile, laugh and boosted morale a hair at work. And it got me used to being seen. I made the determination that I can't float through life. I needed to be myself.
Funny you should mention that. My Ushanka helped me get over a few of my insecurities and it make me feel tough and strong. My secret was that it's all in the hat. I wore a pair of sunglasses one time that gave me the same, if not more euphoria. I felt like a different person. Too bad they weren't my sunglasses but the point still stands.
I was shy and quiet as a child. As I got older I came out of my shell. I'm still quie and introverted but I can be sociable. I don't think my being trans had anything to do with it. It was a matter of self confidence.
i feelthe exact same way, lol i just got out of this 2 year relationship where i felt EXTREMLY insecure about who my girl was talking to espically her ex who she dated for 3 years. but um when im around dudes im relaxed and with drawn if that makes any sense in the world. lol but when im around girls i just want to talk about anything and everything in the world. just relax you are who you are
Quote from: Jaehjlee on January 20, 2012, 05:37:44 PM
I've been insecure and shy ever since I was little, and I just grew up with low self-esteem. I was wondering if this was partly due to the fact that I'm a FTM?
Like I feel a lot more comfortable around guys than girls, but I usually don't hang with them since they treat me as a girl, which isn't their fault at all because I'm closeted. And I'm even worse around girls, since I'm just naturally shy, and when I'm with a group of girls I force myself to act more feminine so they wouldn't be weirded out by me.
Just wondering if anyone else is like this? :(
I have always been insecure, all thru High School and pretty much right up to now. Low self esteem, bashed as a kid all thru school, and always a negative out look on life past and present. I want to change all that and by coming out to close friends and selected family my attitude is changing, but l have my good and bad days like everyone else.
Claire
I was very shy, introverted, and had low self esteem as a child. I grew out of it as I aged. I was in my 20's before I became somewhat comfortable with myself. But even now I do well one on one with anyone. Or even in a small group of people but not so much in large groups. No one would call me the life of the party. In a group of ten or more people I'll hardly say a word. And forget about speaking in front of a crowd. I'm not sure if that say's something about my self esteem or not because I feel like I'm comfortable with who I am. It must say something about me.
Yeeeeeeeeeees, it sure is!
What you expect? Bunch of roses and a chauffeur too? ;-)
Axélle
Quote from: JulieC. on February 04, 2012, 09:58:30 AM
I was very shy, introverted, and had low self esteem as a child.
I don't think this is related to being TG. I am over the top extroverted. I've never had problems striking up conversations with complete strangers, ever. I can walk to the front of a room, stand up at a podium and speak to a group of 100 people with zero preparation if a subject comes up I feel a need to voice my opinion on. I've been like this since I was a child. I challenge anyone to have a problem with me RAWR lol.
Seriously though, I know this is a major part of why being TG and transition wasn't a big problem for me and I feel for people who are shy + being trans.
I can be shy and then appear to be outgoingly friendly. Mostly I just disconnect like I talk past people. I find that even happens here. I am not just on the same page. From the time I was four years old my world changed like every four or five years. There were very few kids in the neighborhoods I lived in and in my elementary years I had a paper route after school and didn't get home until about 5 pm so I wasn't walking home with friends or going to their homes after school. Sometimes my best friend was a girl and sometimes a boy but I was never any where long enough to be friends over a extended period of time. Since I am now 65 and mostly a retired stay at home chick, my girl friend is my closed friend, but we have conflicts over how to deal with the teens at home. I was an elementary teacher for over thirty years so I had to develop a public personality which was male at the time.
I am getting over being subconscious about being a female with a males body and dress mostly female in public now. But I am still private about it. I ride the bus all the time so I am with people constantly but I have never been much for going clubbing. I always felt weird in a bar, which was a home away from home for my dad and step dad. I can chat and much of what I say can sound personal, but most of it about the past which is dead and gone like in a physical sense. The last two schools I taught at in New Mexico no longer exist nor does the home or school I taught in Montana. I can go on Google Earth and confirm my past is dust and the people who knew me are scattered to the wind.
So when I share my past, I am really sharing very little. Where I am now very few people have seen me in all male garb. Even when I substitute taught here for four years I wore a bra and panties all the time. All of those guy clothes have bit the dust. All my clothes now are feminine except for a few ancient sweat shirts and tee shirts which can be worn by either sex comfortably except for the fact they are tattered a bit.
I see others here make connections and seem to visit but I am just invisible. That's really ok because I just try and drop some thoughts and hope some how they help. Some times, like a lot when I see young people here dealing with their transgender issues in their youth I envy them. That's because a lot of things that kept me from doing more at a younger age were do mostly to my inner fears as much as anything.
My relationships are mostly few and personal and I am in a ten year relationship now with my girl friend and I am extremely loyal. So the issue of whether I will ever have a boy friend is beyond the scope of the rest of my life. For me when a relationship ends its what ever happens happens. I have an approachable unapproachable nature so there is no one rushing to receive my affections. So maybe this means that deep inside I am extremely shy, but can hide behind a wall of words and thoughts.
It's kinda scary how exactly the OP and several other posts on here describe me.
I've always been shy and insecure beyond all reason, and in my case I do think it's a TG thing. All my life I've been the silent and invisible one; but more recently, when I'm around people I'm out to and who treat me as a guy, I'm infinitely more talkative and confident and outgoing.
So, I'd say it's normal to be insecure because of TG, but it's not necessarily standard. It's just one of many ways of subconsciously attempting to deal with teh trans.
"Is it normal to be insecure as a transgender?"
That's practically like asking if it's normal to be insecure about being insecure. Someone who wishes to be a different gender is pretty much by definition insecure. Though it can be to different degrees, I think pretty much everybody sweats it out quite a bit early on. I'm like way older than most of you and my advice to insecure young TG folks is to be patient with yourself. Things do get better. Life is good.
Lyric ~
I think everyone's awkward to a certain extent growing up, and growing up trans you've got that extra awkwardness of feeling that wrongness in your physicality and social situations. I mean, cispeople are just learning new ways of talking to people as women or men rather than as the children they were, so obviously learning to talk to people as a woman everyone assumes is a man or vice versa is a little more complicated - crossed wires!
And then when you have grown up it's hard to grow into yourself and your body like other people do because, quite simply, the body you've grown into isn't you.
Of course, that's nothing that some great friends can't alleviate every so often! :)
Honestly, I don't think it's natural, as in justified, for anyone to feel self-doubting. It's an emotion that only occurs in animals when they experience trauma, it's the product of a bunch of traumatizing life events that do not happen unless it's forced upon some being by another being. In our cases, we have all grown up in a society where popular opinion casts us as freaks, and many (not all, by any extent) of us have grown up with bullying and parental abuse either because of our identities or because of other factors (appearance, mainly). If you're self-doubting, you've been through some sort of trauma, somewhere down the line, even if you aren't aware of it. Plenty of the people I have professionally counseled in my life (and thus, studied) showcase no signs of self-doubt and it's because they simply don't have, and cannot recall, any social trauma in their life - no parental abuse, no bullying. It's not a trauma that everyone goes through, nor does it make anyone a better, happier person. We'd all be much happier if everyone in our entire lives had at least respected us, I just don't believe trauma ever equals anything good.