Sometimes its the little things that remind me of why I have gone stealth. I had a "friend" over for dinner and while chatting about men and dating I mentioned how if I date a guy, I don't let them know I am trans until I feel comfortable talking to them about it. To which she replied "Well, you have to tell them upfront don't you, otherwise you are being deceitful because that's what you are." I tried to explain to her that my medical history is my business and well within my right to disclose when I feel is appropriate, and furthermore it gives men a chance to know me better when they might otherwise be immediately scared off. She then went on to say I should "only be dating bi guys so they wont have a problem with it" or guys that are specifically attracted to transsexuals. I ended the conversation there because I didn't want to get into my opinions on guys who have fetishes for transsexuals. *sigh* She was the last person I told about my status, and now I don't tell any friend I make because their level of ignorance and opinions and how I should act and live my life are too frustrating to handle. It also reminded me that even someone who is your friend looks at you with a big "->-bleeped-<-" sign over your head no matter how past that you are.
Well in my opinion, telling people upfront can remove complications later.
While people running off can be crushing, having somebody run off when you trust them could reduce you to a pile of goo.
I tell people that I like, and I trust they can handle it.
I'm unsure if I will ever be able to go stealth because of my big outing at university. There are way too many people who know. But personally, I am making plans for it and will try to go for it. I think it will be the best for me as well.
Your "friend" is just very ignorant, that's all.
Quote from: McKitty on January 22, 2012, 03:22:44 PM
Sometimes its the little things that remind me of why I have gone stealth. I had a "friend" over for dinner and while chatting about men and dating I mentioned how if I date a guy, I don't let them know I am trans until I feel comfortable talking to them about it. To which she replied "Well, you have to tell them upfront don't you, otherwise you are being deceitful because that's what you are." I tried to explain to her that my medical history is my business and well within my right to disclose when I feel is appropriate, and furthermore it gives men a chance to know me better when they might otherwise be immediately scared off. She then went on to say I should "only be dating bi guys so they wont have a problem with it" or guys that are specifically attracted to transsexuals. I ended the conversation there because I didn't want to get into my opinions on guys who have fetishes for transsexuals. *sigh* She was the last person I told about my status, and now I don't tell any friend I make because their level of ignorance and opinions and how I should act and live my life are too frustrating to handle. It also reminded me that even someone who is your friend looks at you with a big "->-bleeped-<-" sign over your head no matter how past that you are.
As an activist i will not ever go stealth,
But I have to say this.. I think it's safer to come out as being a trans person instantly because if you date a guy and he finds out later, well, it could end in you potentially getting seriously hurt.
Do not underestimate transphobia or homophobia.
Most women who get raped aren't be people who pop out of the bushes, they are friends, coworkers, or family. I'm kind of using that as a metaphor so you understand that no matter how much you may know someone, things could still get ugly. Especially when they're surprised with that kind of information.
Plus, if he finds out you are trans before you tell him, that might not play out in your favor.
I see your point in going stealth, but I still believe it is safer to let potential dates understand that detail so you know where they stand as far as gender goes.
Meaning, before I get close to people I would also like to know a few things: are they pro choice? homophobic? and transphobic?
If someone you start dating is already accepting of us trans folk, you've already skipped a step and are probs going to meet an awesome person.
Quote from: Torn1990 on January 22, 2012, 04:45:27 PM
As an activist i will not ever go stealth,
But I have to say this.. I think it's safer to come out as being a trans person instantly because if you date a guy and he finds out later, well, it could end in you potentially getting seriously hurt.
Do not underestimate transphobia or homophobia.
Most women who get raped aren't be people who pop out of the bushes, they are friends, coworkers, or family. I'm kind of using that as a metaphor so you understand that no matter how much you may know someone, things could still get ugly. Especially when they're surprised with that kind of information.
Plus, if he finds out you are trans before you tell him, that might not play out in your favor.
I see your point in going stealth, but I still believe it is safer to let potential dates understand that detail so you know where they stand as far as gender goes.
Meaning, before I get close to people I would also like to know a few things: are they pro choice? homophobic?
If someone you start dating is already accepting of us trans folk, you've already skipped a step and are probs going to meet an awesome person.
The only problem here is that people might immediately see you differently if they know you are trans...some people are okay with this and others are not.
If he isn't cool about straight away then he's not going to be cool about tomorrow.
Quote from: JasonRX on January 22, 2012, 04:52:16 PM
The only problem here is that people might immediately see you differently if they know you are trans...some people are okay with this and others are not.
I'm not ok with people who tell me they are trans. I'm jealous of their pass-ability.
Quote from: batgirl on January 22, 2012, 04:52:40 PM
If he isn't cool about straight away then he's not going to be cool about tomorrow.
I don't agree with this. If you tell him from the get-go, he doesn't know who the hell you are, only the fact that you are trans and scare him away. On the other hand, if he gets to know you first and really likes you and then you tell him, he might consider and think, "let me give this a shot, she's pretty cool".
I am not upfront straight away - simply because I can't know whether it's worth telling them so early on - I have dated a few guys without telling, and it simply faded away naturally for unrelated reasons, so I never needed to go through the rigmarole of telling them. However, after a few dates, (so still at an early stage, not like 6 months down the line) sizing him up, and seeing that it might be a time where it's necessary to disclose, then I'll do so - not when I first meet him saying 'by the way, I'm trans!'. However, if you're comfortable doing so on the first meeting, fair enough.
Quote from: JenJen2011 on January 22, 2012, 04:55:58 PM
I don't agree with this. If you tell him from the get-go, he doesn't know who the hell you are, only the fact that you are trans and scare him away. On the other hand, if he gets to know you first and really likes you and then you tell him, he might consider and think, "let me give this a shot, she's pretty cool".
True. Well maybe not in the first five minutes but there's no point leaving it too long.
I don't have a problem with being trans :) Or people seeing me as trans. In my experience, people almost always are simply curious about it....and if they have an issue with it (from stereotypes) I address it directly and chat with them to help them see it actually is pretty nice.
I actually had this happen last night. A friend of mine became pretty uncomfortable with me since I told him about the ->-bleeped-<- thing. He (and another friend) were planning on moving in together and one of them wanted me to come live with them... but the friend that had an issue with my "lifestyle" definitely didn't want to live with a ->-bleeped-<-.
Anyhow, I confronted him directly and asked what his problem was. Apparently he had ideas that trans (and gay people) were sex crazed maniacs. He also had some strange ideas of what being trans was about (he figured it was a sex thing, that it was all about getting a vagina). After a bit of chatting, I helped explain to him what it really was... and now he understands me a lot better (and isn't so bigotted).
I don't intend to live needing to hide what I am. If anyone has a problem with it, it is obviously because they don't know me. If a guy doesn't want to date me because I'm trans, that is his problem (I really don't care, I just don't need every man to be attracted to me). So, I will tell them right away... and if they run off, it is their loss :P
See, I don't see as 'not telling' as hiding myself. I am being me, and if it's not apparent I'm trans, then I'll say it when necessary, not because it's some kind of secret that has to be revealed, but simply for the sake of honesty - if I spent years with a guy and he found out, he may well be cool with the idea, but may be more angry by the fact that I felt I couldn't open up to him about it. I treat it the same as if I was born with AIS, or I had a hysterectomy, if I was sexually abused, if I was infertile, I grew up in a house full of men, or whatever. All of these things may affect my body or my gender identity in similar ways in comparison to being trans - but would you reveal these things on a first date, or first encounter? Probably not. It's simply part of my life experience. Rejection or breakups can happen at any stage of the relationship for any number of reasons, so being upfront about being trans doesn't necessarily prevent you from getting hurt in the long run for any other reason. I still agree with it being mentioned relatively early on, but not necessarily on the first encounter - for me, I just don't feel the need to bring it up, I'm just me, trying to get to know somebody and having fun.
I have used this approach and no potential date has ever had a problem. In one guy's words - "you're still you, it doesn't change anything" - and he only said that because he had got to know and like me in the first place. If anything, the more likely reason for rejection is probably if he wants to have his own genetic children and have his future wife bear a child 'naturally'.
I think telling everybody that you're trans when you first meet them is similar to a girl telling everybody that she's on her period before they talk to her, or that you have herpes right after being introduced.
In a casual friendship or social sense, telling people you're trans is tmi. Ina relationship since, having herpes doesn't come into play unless things start getting to that point.. ya know?
That's just how I feel. Nobody is right on this it's just a personal thing :)
Lettuce be reality, you can be stealth if you want to, but you are gambling with your life. Not all men live in magical-Christmas-tree-land where everyone is accepting of you and your hobbies. Most men don't play around when it comes to their sexuality and masculinity. Anything that might threaten their manhood is the grounds for a beat down. I'm not saying that it's right, but it is the way the world works, and you need to learn that before you're the victim of a hate crime. Real talk.
Well I guess enough people have shown their opinions about the main topic, so I'm gonna totally derail this here, takign advantage of a small sentence in the OP.
Honestly, WTH makes a person have a fetish about transsexuals? I would IMMEDIATELY dump someone like that.
Quote from: Viamonte on January 22, 2012, 07:13:00 PM
Honestly, WTH makes a person have a fetish about transsexuals? I would IMMEDIATELY dump someone like that.
I only date people who make do with my body. People who like how I look freak me out.
I'm kinda worried about my friends acting that way as well. That or outing me on purpose whenever i meet people because they think its funny.
If someone comes up to me (in the future, since I haven't transitioned yet) and tells me "Oh I like girls but, you really don't look like a boy, so let's know each other better..."
That's a great compliment, and from someone I'd like to know more.
If someone tells me "Oh... so you were a boy? Hah wouldn't you know, I love T-girls"
I'd probably answer something in the lines of "dafuq?"
Quote from: jdinatale on January 22, 2012, 06:46:12 PM
Lettuce be reality, you can be stealth if you want to, but you are gambling with your life. Not all men live in magical-Christmas-tree-land where everyone is accepting of you and your hobbies. Most men don't play around when it comes to their sexuality and masculinity. Anything that might threaten their manhood is the grounds for a beat down. I'm not saying that it's right, but it is the way the world works, and you need to learn that before you're the victim of a hate crime. Real talk.
OK before someone points at me and says I'm saying trans abuse or murder is the victims fault or they were asking for it, that's not what anyone is saying. But all one needs to do is read many of the assault stories against trans people and many if not most times the assault starts when "the truth" is discovered. Yes there are exceptions but in the vast majority of cases, this is why it happens. To "be stealth" in the dating scene is playing with fire. I hope you guys don't get burned. Homophobia is an UGLY thing.
Quote from: jdinatale on January 22, 2012, 06:46:12 PM
Lettuce be reality, you can be stealth if you want to, but you are gambling with your life. Not all men live in magical-Christmas-tree-land where everyone is accepting of you and your hobbies. Most men don't play around when it comes to their sexuality and masculinity. Anything that might threaten their manhood is the grounds for a beat down. I'm not saying that it's right, but it is the way the world works, and you need to learn that before you're the victim of a hate crime. Real talk.
But equally, not all men are homophobic bigots who will attack anything they view as somehow threatening their masculinity. It pays to think of all the possibilities rather than focusing on the negative. Focus on the negative and you will attract such situations and it will become your 'reality'. However, I can honestly say I've never had a negative experience, be it with dating or with friends, and even with religious people, most likely because I've got to a point where I've accepted myself and that convinces others to accept me. If people have had something to say against it, I haven't heard it, so if people want to drift away on their own accord, I won't stop them. Of course, I could have had more negativity, but I mostly know how to not put myself in those situations, and for the last five years I have succeeded in doing so. Of course, messing up or being surprised by a bad reaction is still entirely possible, as I am not somehow "immune" to bigotry, but there are ways to keeping that possibility low.
Quote from: McKitty on January 22, 2012, 03:22:44 PM
Sometimes its the little things that remind me of why I have gone stealth. .... I tried to explain to her that my medical history is my business and well within my right to disclose when I feel is appropriate......It also reminded me that even someone who is your friend looks at you with a big "->-bleeped-<-" sign over your head no matter how past that you are.
Stick to your guns! FWIW, I agree and this is my policy as well. Each person has to do what is right for themselves and not what fits into someone else's view of what is appropriate.
Besides, is she one of those who feels compelled to divulge every little detail of her life on a first date? If so, I bet that she has very few second dates.