I've just started coming out to people about my desire to transition. Everyone so far has been supportive, but when they started asking if they should call me by the target gender pronouns, I didn't really know what to say. It's no secret that I'd like to identify as male, but I've got some kind of mental block keeping me from feeling "comfortable" (for lack of a better term) with it. For instance, when someone calls me "sir" in a store or something, my mind instantly goes to "well that's not what I am", but it is what I want to be. I can't figure out why I'm doing this. It's almost as though I don't know how to all of the sudden actually BE the gender I want to. For those of you that have already made that change, did you ever feel that way and/or did it just go away after time? A friend of mine who has a child compared it to when she started being called "mom" instead of by her name, which made sense. She said it just took time to get used to. I'm wondering if this will work the same way or if for some reason what I want is all of a sudden "wrong" in the back of my mind. I really hope not. Any advice is appreciated.
There may be an "imposed shame" factor. A lot of trans people find that there's a little corner of them who thinks they don't deserve to be called their target gender, because society (or some layers of it) tries to tell us we shouldn't be doing what we're doing. I notice that when people refer to me as "she, her" I sometimes react like my teen boy self and assume I'm being teased instead of supported. It's a weird business.
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For me I only seem to have that mental block when people who know me as a female start calling me by male pronouns. When strangers do it it's like "woohoo I'm passing!" but when someone who knows I'm trans calls me he or him it feels weird... Like they don't REALLY see me as male, they're just saying that to humor me. It's very uncomfortable. I'm hoping it'll start being more natural both for me to hear and them to say with time.
I agree with Devin. I know exactly what you mean. When I first started transitioning I felt almost embarrassed about it and figured that it's my own problem to deal with so why put it on other people? I guess now I know more people who don't know about me compared to those who do. And most people who do still say 'she' and I'm okay with that. Probably because I'm so far into my transition that if they call me she in public they get all the looks instead hahah.
Quote from: Devin87 on February 06, 2012, 07:11:59 AM
For me I only seem to have that mental block when people who know me as a female start calling me by male pronouns. When strangers do it it's like "woohoo I'm passing!" but when someone who knows I'm trans calls me he or him it feels weird... Like they don't REALLY see me as male, they're just saying that to humor me. It's very uncomfortable. I'm hoping it'll start being more natural both for me to hear and them to say with time.
YES. That is exactly what I was trying to say. I don't know why I used a person in a store as an example.
Quote from: AJarrah on February 06, 2012, 04:38:56 AM
It's no secret that I'd like to identify as male, but I've got some kind of mental block keeping me from feeling "comfortable" (for lack of a better term) with it. For instance, when someone calls me "sir" in a store or something, my mind instantly goes to "well that's not what I am", but it is what I want to be. I can't figure out why I'm doing this. It's almost as though I don't know how to all of the sudden actually BE the gender I want to.
This same thing happened to me when I first started transitioning. Even though I felt male inside I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable when people "sirred" me. Part of it was me being nervous with some people seeing me as male and others as female in the same situation. I've gotten to the point now where I can feel good about people sirring me but it took awhile (about 6 or so months on T). Over time it'll start to feel more natural; it's a big adjustment and it takes some getting used to.
Quote from: Padma on February 06, 2012, 04:46:18 AM
I notice that when people refer to me as "she, her" I sometimes react like my teen boy self and assume I'm being teased instead of supported. It's a weird business.
Yeah--before I transitioned I was sometimes called "man/dude/bro" by people who were teasing me for my gender presentation. Now that people genuinely read me as male, I still have that defensive reaction once in awhile when someone says something like, "Hey, what's up, dude?" because it used to be used against me in a pejorative way.
It will take some time to get used to, but soon you don't even think about it anymore. It gets to the point that the old pronouns will seem completely alien to you.
I still have issues with it. I haven't fully transitioned and this is only the beginning. But even though I want to be a male and pass as a male. When people "misgendered" me with sir or whatever, it was embarrassing because I was around others. I don't know there was just some shame in there even though I want to transition! I want to fully be a man. I don't understand that either. Pronouns are so weird. And in my head it's hard to sort of switch. Like someone said, I definitely feel a shame factor. Maybe that's what's going on with you. Awesome to see I'm not the only one out there sort of feeling like this though!!!
Quote from: Beverley on February 06, 2012, 04:42:12 PM
Interesting that many here say "It takes time to get used to [the new gender pronoun]". It puts a perspective on the difficulties "ordinary folk" have with those of us in transition. If we find it confusing.....
Beverley
I see your point there. But as far as the difficulties of "ordinary folk", this process I'm describing was entirely in my head. I don't think it made it any more difficult for the people around me, it was just that it took longer than I expected to feel at ease with male pronouns. For me at least I think it was because of the years of being referred to with female pronouns, that even though being male felt/feels right it still took some time to internalize that social part of it.
God I'm glad you all know what I mean. I was afraid I was subconsciously thinking I didn't want to be male anymore and in my right mind I knew that could not be right. So relieved.