Hi everyone,
So as most of you know I'm an undergrad art & design student. I'm looking to do some performance video work. Usually I work behind the camera but I want to turn it on myself for a video class. I want to explore my own experience but I find it a bit difficult to come up with ideas. I want to work with experiences we face from birth to our mid-20s. The period of self-exploration that everyone must go through but narrowing it down to severe issues in relation to sexuality and gender identity. What we transfolk have dealt with. If youre feeling helpful I'd love it if you could give me 10-20 words describing yourself or how you felt/feel during this age and describe in detail what was most challenging for you (outside of the most obvious trans-related issues, yet still very much associated with the fact that you're trans...if that makes sense).
It's almost 2am and I just got back from the studio & am tired and covered in clay. But I hope that I sound articulate enough for you to understand what I'm asking for :)
THANKS!
I hated having to play like a boy, knowing if I didn't, I would get beaten up by my peers and "corrected" by my family.
I taught myself how to be pretty good with makeup, thanks to my mom being an applications cosmetologist. She had a desk full of makeup to experiment with.
I had to learn how to look tough, while not doing tough stuff in high school to keep from getting thrown in the trash (literally).
I passed on learning so many typically girlish stuff in trying to look tough. This has set me back.
My biggest regret of my life will always be that I was not honest with everybody about my GID. I would gladly take a beating every day to have the past 25 years back and be seen as a girl.
Can't really add too much to Alainaluvsu.
Being beaten up, by family and outsiders. Learning to be discrete, Always thinking that, one day, I might make it, but never actually did.
Thinking back, the worst part were the fears I had. Those that held me back. Being beaten is nothing really, the fear that goes with it is what really hurts.
Hope that helps. Sorry, it isn't particularly startling or particularly different. I think most of us have lived through a similar hell.
If those preposterus happy clappy religious types are right and we all do end up in hell, I can see all of us standing there thinking, is this the best you can do? :laugh:
I grew up near London, U.K. I was sent to a very rough local comprehensive all boys school at 11, called 'girl' and beaten up everyday! usually had 8 pairs or Doc Martin boots kicking me in the head! used to go home with my face bleeding and bruises but my parents didn't care. Left school at 16 with no qualifications drifted into dead end jobs, got picked on again at work for being different and because I looked feminine! Growing up was probably the worst and darkest days of my life!
In my early school years, between 5 and 7 years old, I thought something like "Oh, well, I was born a boy I'll just have to be a boy." I would learn early on to avoid anything that would label me a sissy.
During puberty I'd wish and even pray that I'd get some strange disease for which the only possible cure would have been a "sex-change." Through most of my teen years and early adulthood I'd think I just had some bizarre kink where I thought females were so attractive I wanted to be one sometimes. I wrote it off as a fetish.
One word....awkward. :icon_frown:
Quote from: Danielle×o on February 14, 2012, 05:30:43 PM
One word....awkward. :icon_frown:
Seconded. :-\ I grew-up in a home environment that was abusive in several ways (about the only one missed was sexual - physical, mental/emotional, and control aspects were all present.) I was also in a region that was definitely not LGBT friendly. I knew that if I did anything other than keep it totally bottled up the hell that was my home life would go to 11. Honestly, I believe my parents would have put me in one of the infamous "Jesus Camps" for it.
Born to people old enough to be my grandparents. Picked on for being precocious. Aware I was different.
Quote from: NikkiJ on February 14, 2012, 09:54:47 PM
Born to people old enough to be my grandparents. Picked on for being precocious. Aware I was different.
I was given up as a baby by my mother for adoption and adopted by people old enough to be my grandparents!
Nat Blonde: So you know what it's like. It's hard to communicate that to others who don't know what that's like.
I got called "ballerina".
No life, no friends.
I just sat indoors and played with my legos by myself, and later in my teens started playing video games. I didn't have a real friend until last year, just shortly before coming out but after admitting to myself who and what I was.
A struggle between what I wanted and what my environment allowed.
Unfortunately a struggle that I consistently lost in childhood. Religious immediate family and very "upright", traditional extended family. I learned to not go after the things I wanted. Became an avoidant, paranoid doormat.
Unfortunately I had to spend my teen years waiting for transition without the support to do it, but now as I start adulthood, thanks to having the best boyfriend in the world, my future is finally looking happy.
Really... done that too often by now already.
How about just moving on...?
It can become to some like "The Lord's Prayer"...
Though it will help one to become a good activist, um.
That, I can see...
Axélle
I was a short, thin kid. I was teased and beaten up for that and my sensitivity. Jr. High was the downright worst experience I had. My wanting to be a girl was suppressed during childhood because they did put people away for that. I even denied that such as protesting when my mom put a dress on me for Hallowe'en once. I wore it and liked it even though I was denying that to others. I made a good haul that night. Unlike some others here I did go for the boys' toys over my sisters' Barbies. I am no different from the tomboys I grew up with.
I slowly grew taller than most in my class in High School and most of those teasings stopped, even though I was still quite thin. I went through a complete denial through my enlistment in the Navy, but the GID returned afterward. I saw my first shrink for that at around age 25.
I still have some struggles stemming from my childhood, but I am still fighting those. I am still here!
Joelene
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on February 14, 2012, 05:26:28 AM
I would gladly take a beating every day to have the past 25 years back and be seen as a girl.
Same here, although I transitioned well before 25.
Grew up in an emotionally & physically abusive household, neglected for most of my childhood
School was pretty tough - bulled for not fitting in with boys my own age and called 'gay' for my femme mannerisms. Never could really identify with boys but wanted to be around and play with the girls instead.
Feel like there wasn't much of a chance to develop a healthy identity, never mind a gender identity, because most of my time was trying to figure out how to be someone that wouldn't be beaten up and could blend in better. A lot of my youth was trying to "fit in", I guess it's only recently that I've realised that its OK to be myself (whoever that is)
Thats kind of why I feel like I could be trans or maybe I just haven't found my 'true self' yet, and that it may be some kind of escapism *shrug*
That's what therapy is for I guess ??? ???
Happy childhood, bad teen years.
Seeing my female friends/classmates do "girly" things like get their periods, shave their legs, buy bras and wear makeup. I spent a lot of years jealous of femininity, and now regret I didn't have the courage to take the leap earlier.
I am from the deep south, that is south of the border. I grew up with them, but was never one of them, my parents come from Germany after the war.
From birth to 6YO I was utterly convinced that my penis would fall anytime. 6 to 12 is my "dark ages:" unable to concentrate, constantly day dreaming, no friends, periodic beatens by teachers and peers, neglected by parents, supported by sisters. Constanly hungry, full of shame and pain.
With puberty come enormous strength and athletic prowess, my mind expanded and learning was exponential, become self reliant rugged individual, totally accepted and embraced my own femalehood, "come out" to everybody. Become very popular with peers ans superiors, had many girlfriends. By my mid twenties I had completed my doctoral degree and was living in America, and married (she married me fully knowing my TS status).
I was always picked on and bullied through out school.. partly because I was the odd duck. Preferred my studies to sports. Most of the girls in school would become my friends. I guess they saw me as a kindred spirit.
I had very few friends except for the geeks. I was one of them. I never did tell Mom and Dad about the bullying.
I didn't fit in with the group of "smart" girls at school when I tried to fit in with them. I wanted to be a friend, to be treated as any other girl among them, even though I was presenting completely male(though rather andro). They rejected me - I think they saw me as more of a dude trying to get in their pants than anything else(which I was for some, not for others). I hated being told that I "didn't understand" what it was like to be a girl...or that I'd never understand. Well, now I do. :)
I guess if I had to sum it up, dysphoria and growing up left me feeling repressed, alone, and disconnected from society and reality in general. When I was 9 and started questioning in California, my friends didn't tease or make fun of me, but that wasn't the case when I eventually moved away to Georgia, and eventually Texas. At some point I came to the conclusion that transition would only make things worse, and bottled everything up as much as possible.
Awful because I never fit in and was alone with my struggles. I was continually harassed and beaten up. I was very small and feminine looking so boys laughed at me and called me a girl (how right they were). My only friends were girls. I knew I was a girl inside but I hid it because I was ashamed and when my mother caught me in her underwear I was severely disciplined. I longed for all things feminine and wanted to dress as a girl but had to survive as a boy. Ironically my small stature and soft features are a real plus now.
Hm... 20-25 words. I guess mine would go as follows.
QuoteUnable to interact with others, I locked myself up in my own imagination for 17 years. Then I tried to open the door, only to find four years' worth of walls to dig through. On the other side awaits a world I am not yet able to muster.
Twice the recommended amount, but well... 20 words isn't a lot!
Like short version... of Schiller's "Glocke"
"Loch in Erde, Bronze rin, Glocke fertig, Bim, bim, bim"
(Hole in the ground, put in bronze, bell ready, Bim, bim, bim)
The point?
Schiller's "Glocke" is one of THE longest known poems in German... hum.
Having transitioned at 64... only, - I'd run overtime in telling, and in any case, who'd care?
So I'm done telling for sure, and I'm hardly grown up...
Axélle
Quote from: Connie Anne on February 14, 2012, 04:30:09 PM
In my early school years, between 5 and 7 years old, I thought something like "Oh, well, I was born a boy I'll just have to be a boy." I would learn early on to avoid anything that would label me a sissy.
During puberty I'd wish and even pray that I'd get some strange disease for which the only possible cure would have been a "sex-change." Through most of my teen years and early adulthood I'd think I just had some bizarre kink where I thought females were so attractive I wanted to be one sometimes. I wrote it off as a fetish.
I can totally relate to ALL of what you say, but that 'strange disease' thing really put a smile on my face ... I thought I was the only one who wanted it. But I suspect it might have been an epidemic! ;)
This is all wonderful! Feel free to keep em coming :)
The video piece was made and shown in a gallery exhibition this past march. It can be seen here http://cargocollective.com/charlotteryan/revisiting-dysphoria (http://cargocollective.com/charlotteryan/revisiting-dysphoria) . Now I want to put the words and experiences to even more use and create a series of etching prints incorporating them once back at school. So feel free to keep these coming!!! And I'll share the finished product once it is done with :)
Quote from: cryan91 on May 28, 2012, 09:23:11 PM
This is all wonderful! Feel free to keep em coming :)
The video piece was made and shown in a gallery exhibition this past march. It can be seen here http://cargocollective.com/charlotteryan/revisiting-dysphoria (http://cargocollective.com/charlotteryan/revisiting-dysphoria) . Now I want to put the words and experiences to even more use and create a series of etching prints incorporating them once back at school. So feel free to keep these coming!!! And I'll share the finished product once it is done with :)
The film was interesting, to say the least. Midway through, I kept asking my self, "How does she not suffocate?"
The only "trans" related thing that I remember as a teen was when I masturbated...I'd imagine rubbing my labia with one hand (rubbing the thigh/crotch), and my other hand was the vagina, and the penis was someone else's, not mine.
My childhood was too traumatic for me to write about at this time; sex abuse, emotional abuse, drunken rages and profound mental illness.
For years. Years.
Rubbish. Picked on from school peers, and even my own family because of how I acted and looked feminine. That was until I stopped caring, and started to rebel, and pretty much treated everybody like dirt. After that, people treated me like I was the coolest person the planet... ???
I gave all of the teachers crap though until each one found out ways to flunk me. In fact, even my art teacher flunked me, and then stole my art work to place in contests under her name. Super lame. Because of that, I was sent off to a private school.
Possibly one of the most difficult times in my life. But, I keep looking back at that point and thinking to myself how much stronger of a person I was.
But, can't dwell in the past!!
Surrounded by people yet totally isolated. Trapped inside my mind. Relying on intellect, intuition and imagination.
To quote Lord Byron: "I stood among them, but not of them; in a shroud of thoughts which were not their thoughts."
things around me slowly but surely got smaller, I could reach things higher and higher up on shelves and my clothes seemed to keep shrinking.
constant confusion
alone
sadness
anger
more confusion
hiding
silence
not daring to speak or act
friendless, by choice
alien
again confusion
dark
(20 words)