I was having a fantastic day. Nothing bad about it. I was having fun with my family and messing around with my fiancee with texts. Then I made a comment about being man and woman. And for some reason when I said that, it felt like things came crashing down on me. I just felt so sad. I feel like a man. I want my voice deeper. I want a man's chest. I want hair on my body. I want facial hair. I want to be Nicholas. But I look at my body and I see breasts. I hear a high voice. I hear my family call me by "she" and other things along those lines. It just feels like a big sham. I'm not saying at all that what trans guys go through is a big game of pretend or anything. Right now, I just feel like I'm some sort of sick joke. Maybe if I was binding it would feel a bit more real but until I have T, I just feel like a girl playing dress up. And it sucks.
All the time. I spoke about this with my girlfriend today, actually - how I hear my voice, and look at my chest, and it feels like I'm just trying to fool myself. That I'm lying, or being dishonest by saying I'm a man because my body says otherwise. Some days it's not so bad, others I just feel ashamed and disgusted by myself.
Quote from: Solobear on February 14, 2012, 07:23:29 PM
All the time. I spoke about this with my girlfriend today, actually - how I hear my voice, and look at my chest, and it feels like I'm just trying to fool myself. That I'm lying, or being dishonest by saying I'm a man because my body says otherwise. Some days it's not so bad, others I just feel ashamed and disgusted by myself.
In a way it is nice to see I am not alone. But it is bittersweet. No one should have to feel like this
This is pretty much the story of my life.
Quote from: Nick on February 14, 2012, 06:42:48 PM
...until I have T, I just feel like a girl playing dress up.
As sick as it sounds, my ex (while we we were dating) actually used to tell me this was what I was. Thankfully, I always knew better than that and came to despise her for treating me so poorly. So, yes, Pre-T, I did feel this way...and to some degree I was even pressured to.
I did and do have days where I can't open my mouth and say much of anything because my voice is alien to me. Looking in the mirror and seeing a fat girl face when I've just gotten up in the morning makes me feel that's all I'll ever see. I have to spend an hour doing my cosmetic effects and shaving my hairline before I can feel ok to leave the house. I feel like a man, but I still feel a bit fake and will until the T starts changing things. Chin up, mate - it's a hard road but it'll happen.
yeah like every day
If my misery can help you feel better in anyway I am glad to help. There isn't a minute that goes by that I'm not thinking the same thing.
I want a deeper voice. If I don't catch myself then it will sound kind of high. I hate talking to people especially men because I feel so inferior to them because of my shy voice. I try to talk deeper but it doesn't sound right. I try to sing deeper notes to music but if I try it without the music I sound like the frog from the Warner Brothers. I barely sound like I have a cold when I sing high but that's better than my deeper voice.
I want a male's chest. I hate these things that are on my now. They are so huge and saggy with stretch marks. I know when it comes time to bind them it will be hell to do. I hate how big my stomach is along with my hips. Having boobs does not help. I'd rather be a fat biological man than a pretty and thin woman. If I'm going to have a large belly then I want it to be as hairy as an ape. I want a thick happy trail. I get so jealous when other women have more body hair than me. I want very hairy legs but due to my genetics I my legs are virtually hairless. I want a goatee like Wayne from Static X. I also long for a total hystorectomy and bottom surgery.
When people take point out my sex I start to notice it even more and it gets to even though I'm still presenting as a female.
"You are a very intelligent lady."
"You are a very smart young lady"
"You will respect her because she is a lady and we respect the ladies!" (A guy telling that to a young child)
"This is my sister"
"You claim to be "that way" which reminds me I saw some black dykes on tv arguing on Cheaters"
"You will always be a female"
and so on
I feel like it's an on going nightmare. I want to be Malachite. I AM Malachite but no one can see that right now. I fear that my preferred surgeons will die or quit before I can get the surgeries. I constantly struggle with how the hell am I going to make it out there on my on with virtually no support from any one emotionally or financially while stuck with this horrible body. It will be years before I can even start to transition just to save up enough money. Who the hell did I piss off in my past life to deserve this?
So yeah I feel that way and that's only a condensed version lol. You are certainly not alone.