Hey everyone. I haven't posted in some time and I wanted to update people. I've finally received an appointment to go to the gender clinic. It's just an initial assessment type thing but I've been waiting a good 7 months since my referral.
I'm pretty nervous as most people are but I'm starting to question myself as well. I'll try and keep this simple If I can.
I feel like the thing that bothers me the most is how I am socially. I feel it's very important to be seen as "one of the guys." Whenever I am seen as female my confidence hits rock bottom and even if some of my friends see me as more male than most women it's still not really enough. I need for people to know me as male and not a girl that's like a guy.
Physically though I am unsure how I feel. I would love to have a male body, a beard and a deeper voice but some days I look at myself and even though it's a little weird I think I could live with a female body. I usually pass 60% of the time as male but I look ridiculously young as male and it pisses me off because I'll go out to the shops to get alcohol and sometimes they just laugh at me because they think I'm about 12. I whip out my ID and then they apologies but I just hate people thinking I'm some prepubescent kid when I'm an adult.
So I can pretty much pass as male when I want to so part of me is thinking is that enough? If some people look at me and think I'm male then they will treat me male so can I live like that without hormones?
My mind changes a lot and I suppose my feelings are influenced by the fact I am currently in a serious relationship as a straight woman. My partner is happy to stay with me if I become male but I can't help but feel the relationship will fall apart. My boyfriend treats me as male and does see me as male but I think for me to change physically it's gonna have a real impact on us and I guess I'm wondering if it's worth the risk if I don't really have to change my body to be happy.
I kinda feel like I've cheated people though if I stay as female bodied. I think people will think that because I am staying female physically that means I am happy being female and that I no longer view myself as male. I don't think they will understand that it's possible to be somewhere in between and that it's not black and white. I also feel like people will think that me wanting to me male was a phase as well. I know 100% I am male on the inside. I just feel like being male physically, even though I would love that, might be too much at the moment.
So I hope that was easy to understand. Sorry if I bored any of you :)
Anyway that's me and the moment.
You didn't bore me at all MRH. That was interesting and well written.
Congratulations on getting your appointment. It's most important that you feel comfortable about yourself.
I say go for it if transition is right for you.
:)