of life? i know it can be a wonderful thing for those that are happy and enjoy it... but im just utterly disgusted with mine. I have tried to feel better and especially thought that transitioning would make me happy, but it hasn't changed much. I know that i am transgender and there is no question about that but i guess my other non gender related problems have been bugging the hell out of me and making my transition a not so happy time. For one i am facially disfigured, i've mentioned before that i have port wine stains mostly on my face but also shoulders and chest. They have worsened over time and it's gotten so bad that i cannot deal with it emotionally enough to wash off my make up. I am disgusted by what i see in the mirror. My genitalia just worsens the already low self esteem that i have.. I mean transsexuality and my skin problem just feel like a double blow . I try to look at the bright side but i feel as if im in hell. I have spoken to my doctor and have been taking medication for depression, Celexa and Trazadone for over a month now and they have done nothing . Im trapped basically, all i wanna do is sleep and hide in my room all the time.. im afraid to go out anymore and i hate going out because i have to pack on make up every time i go just to feel a little confident... but that doesn't even work because im constantly worried that they make up has rubbed off or that i didnt apply it right so im always looking at myself in the mirror. There was a time where i was so disgusted by my face that i broke the mirror. I dont have much of a choice to not go out because i have to work except on weekends. I am so sick of this life, these feelings of despair just amplify the dysphoria that i already feel. Im so sick of being miserable, im sick of life in general and i see no way out of this hole except death, at night sometimes i go to bed and hope to never wake up again or i hope that the life i have now is just a terrible dream, but sadly i wake up and realize it's all real. I have to admit that i have developed i guess what you can say is alcoholism, i get drunk almost every evening and sometimes i go to work all hung over... this makes me feel at least a little bit better while it lasts. I know it's all me that feels this way, i hate my body and myself and nothing i can do will change that, my dysphoria and skin problem only work to make me feel more like a monster. I hope that someday i can find some peace somewhere , maybe i will be reborn again in a better life. I wish
*hugs*
Hi Elsa,
You know, you are right. Life can suck at times. You've got a lot on your plate at the minute.
So before you get indigestion from it, can we look at breaking it down into bite sized chunks?
First up, can your Doc suggest or get you into a support group for your wine stain or whatever you consider most important. There must be an association somewhere that can support you in that regard. At least give you some coping strategies.
I feel you still have the desire to move up and out of where you are, and I think a support group of some description is a 1000% better than Meds. Let us know your thoughts on that and then see where we can go from there. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
I think its as my "name sake" Catherine, says to be honest, I just wish you best of luck, and say it WILL work out in the end for you, just get the help you need, and you will eventually get past this :)
Catherine x
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 27, 2012, 11:13:30 AM
I feel you still have the desire to move up and out of where you are, and I think a support group of some description is a 1000% better than Meds.
+1 for this advice. While there are situations where chemical imbalance can create depression, when you know the case, you should address the know cause rather then cover it up with medication. In my mind it's like knowing you have tendinitis but instead of treating the tendinitis, you take pain pills to cover it up. Or maybe more like you know you have an allergic reaction to a type of laundry detergent, instead of changing that you take pills to block the reaction. Life does throw us a lot of problems but the only way to get out of a rut is face one problem at a time head on. I normally look for which one is the easiest to fix and do that first.
The point to life? The answer to that, scientifically speaking can be supplied by the title of a well known book by Richard Dawkins: The Selfish Gene. But I know you're not asking that. Really there is no one point outside evolutionary biology, it's only what you want to make it. One might say it could be doing what it takes to be happy. That's as good a way as any. It still doesn't stop me from wishing there was a way out that wouldn't hurt my loved ones. Sad but that's how I feel. You're not alone, far from it.
I've always thought the point of life was improvement, self or otherwise. Life would be very dull without anything to strive towards.
Will say this, Elsa..
Have been where you are, and might find myself there again as time and transition moves forward. There is no one size fits all solution that alleviates the bowing under all the stresses and strains everyday life can burden you with, much less those things specific to us, here.
I found talking to people, in context on my transition or not, was stunningly helpful. They didn't have to "get it" or offer sympathy or pity to assuage how down I was feeling, just be good listeners and good humans.
It may seem trite to just say, "Hey, talk to folks, you'll feel better!" and I don't want you to think that I'm taking the place you find yourself in lightly, at all. Being able to open up and scream, yell, vent, bitch, rage at things to someone can make a huge difference. Sometimes getting it out is enough to put all of the various things into new or slightly shifted perspectives.
Another thing I did that helped was to ration my internal resources. I told myself that in a 24 hour period of time, I only have so much inside to expend on things, physically and emotionally. I found that if I asked myself "towards what end am I spending my daily allotment of internal resources?" when things started to freak me out, that it make it easier for me to not focus on those things that I could take no action on, and really apply my efforts to those things that I could. To make them better. Once I made asking myself that question a habit, the "can't do anything about" category suddenly took on a far less menacing posture in my life.
Nothing will make every worry, concern, fear or doubt go away, but there are things you can focus on every day that help put those things into a perspective that allows you to move ahead with more smiles than cringes and not feel like you've been hit by a ton of bricks when things may go slightly off the rails in life.
Will be sending good thoughts your way, and I hope things get better for you soonest.
-Miki