I've improved a great deal since my coming out and early transition. But I still can't seem to take on very much. If something comes along to disrupt my equilibrium, I quickly become overwhelmed and start losing it. If I absolutely have to, I can hold myself together for long enough to get through a workday--so that's a blessing. But when work is over, I fall into an abyss for a while.
I used to exert very firm control over all aspects of my life, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a loss of control sends me into a tailspin. When that happens, I panic. I pace around and talk to myself. I get angry and emotional. I can't think straight, and I have no real perspective. I lose the ability to tell myself, "This is only temporary. You'll get through this. Take a deep breath and prioritize. It will be okay."
Later on, I do finally tell myself something like that, but only after I've lost it. It's freaking embarrassing. I mean, I have my meltdowns at home for the most part, so other people can't see. But I sometimes come here and post some kind of desperate I'm-melting message in the mod forums. Or, occasionally, I post on another site I go to. Afterward, I feel pretty silly. Like I'm being a drama queen.
I used to immediately think, "I can't take this. It's better to be dead." I don't do that so much anymore, so I know I'm making progress. But, naturally, I would rather not have these meltdowns at all. How do you react when you become overwhelmed, and how do you deal with it? Maybe I can get a few valuable suggestions, something to help me next time this happens. 'Cause I'm pretty sure it will.
Quote from: Arch on March 03, 2012, 09:28:54 PM
But I still can't seem to take on very much.
That's the key. Break down everything you have to do into manageable steps that you
can take. Rather than looking at the big, daunting whole, look at the one little piece and work on doing that, temporarily ignoring everything else and focusing solely on what you're doing. Then move onto the next thing.
Like breaking a huge lump of ice into lots of little ice cubes, holding each one briefly in your hands until it's melted away and then taking another one etc.
It's very easy to see a vast, dark forest ahead of you and think "How the hell am I ever going to get through that!?" But if you pass through one tree at a time, it makes it just that bit easier.
I pretend nothing's wrong and then wake myself up by yelling in my sleep every night. Whee. I look functional. Maybe that's all that matters?
That's mean, sorry. What I do is try to develop tunnel vision. Just temporarily, when it's all too much. I watch the birds, I smell the air, I focus on the pain in my ankle if that's the most sane and real thing I can see. I get stuff done. Sometimes what I "get done" is simply managing to not yell at people who don't deserve it, or managing to leave the house. If I have to put work into just getting by, then I'm really proud when I pull it off. I continually readjust my strategies and expectations. Find any healthy way you can to hang on. Understand what a badass you are for continuing in the face of it.
Quote from: Arch on March 03, 2012, 09:28:54 PM
I've improved a great deal since my coming out and early transition. But I still can't seem to take on very much. If something comes along to disrupt my equilibrium, I quickly become overwhelmed and start losing it. If I absolutely have to, I can hold myself together for long enough to get through a workday--so that's a blessing. But when work is over, I fall into an abyss for a while.
I used to exert very firm control over all aspects of my life, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a loss of control sends me into a tailspin. When that happens, I panic. I pace around and talk to myself. I get angry and emotional. I can't think straight, and I have no real perspective. I lose the ability to tell myself, "This is only temporary. You'll get through this. Take a deep breath and prioritize. It will be okay."
Later on, I do finally tell myself something like that, but only after I've lost it. It's freaking embarrassing. I mean, I have my meltdowns at home for the most part, so other people can't see. But I sometimes come here and post some kind of desperate I'm-melting message in the mod forums. Or, occasionally, I post on another site I go to. Afterward, I feel pretty silly. Like I'm being a drama queen.
I used to immediately think, "I can't take this. It's better to be dead." I don't do that so much anymore, so I know I'm making progress. But, naturally, I would rather not have these meltdowns at all. How do you react when you become overwhelmed, and how do you deal with it? Maybe I can get a few valuable suggestions, something to help me next time this happens. 'Cause I'm pretty sure it will.
I got hit with a cluster of stuff last year and it was overwhelming me. I ended up taking paroxitine as an anti-anxeity medicine, and occasionally had to take a full blown anxiety med (tranq type). Now things are a lot better for me now than then. I'm full out. I've been able to have FFS/BA. One of my relatives that was very ill passed away, but at least she isn't in pain anymore. I've found that just the paroxitine is enough to help me keep steady even when bad things crop up.
When there is too much going on, there is no weakness in getting external help. Eventually you will make it through some of the worst parts and then you can stand on your own again, but if you need help now don't be afraid to ask.
I ask myself "What of all this is really important and what am I dramatizing?" and be honest with myself. Like others have said, prioritize what really -needs- to be done and what in the scheme of things doesn't really matter. Don't let other people stress you our because of their perceived needs.
Like I could look around and think "OMG the house needs cleaning, the car needs washing, I forgot the dogs are out of food and I told my neighbor I would check their mail while they are on their trip" and get all anxious. In reality the only thing I really need to do is go get some dog food and they wouldn't die if I just fed them something out of the fridge, they probably would like it.
I think looking at the larger picture is hard to do but it's necessary or you will drive yourself nuts.
About four years ago I started to lose it completely, everything had built up and I think I reached the straw that broke the camel's back. I ended up seeing a psychologist. He was OK and recommended breathing exercises for my panic attacks. They did work and it was against my thoughts that they would.
I now see a psychiatrist as my gender therapist and he expresses some amazement of how I have managed to deal with my life situation.
Try Googling breathing exercises for panic attacks. Or I'll send what I do by pm
Cindy
I agree that breathing tactics can help with panic. With heavier, more existential and identity-related stuff, I just remind myself that nothing lasts forever, evolution is always possible, and my definitions are as good as anyone's.
All of these suggestions are worth remembering. The only one I'm skeptical of is the breathing--and it's probably one of the more valuable techniques.
I think I have two issues with it. One, I was disconnected from my body for so long that being aware of it is difficult, especially when I'm not focusing on something negative. I've been working on this, though.
The other thing is tougher. I still have big issues with emotion. I'm suspicious of anything that even hints at touchy-feely, and for some reason, breathing exercises strike me that way. My therapist has told me about one technique. But I dig my heels in and can't quite bring myself to do it.
Well, out of desperation, I tried it when I was having my cat put down a few months ago, and it helped. But I resist trying it again. It seems mushy. Gooey. Even silly.
I think I am what they call a problem child.
When I was told and instructed about it I thought it was (sorry words GMods should not use) totally full of ->-bleeped-<-. I felt stupid, I looked stupid, I was embarrassed, and I have a big problem with that, and for me it worked. I used it a few times and got to my feelings and then felt OK.
Arch I will pm you again. Soon but maybe not tonight.
Cindy
Quote from: Arch on March 04, 2012, 01:59:43 AM
All of these suggestions are worth remembering. The only one I'm skeptical of is the breathing--and it's probably one of the more valuable techniques.
I think I have two issues with it. One, I was disconnected from my body for so long that being aware of it is difficult, especially when I'm not focusing on something negative. I've been working on this, though.
The other thing is tougher. I still have big issues with emotion. I'm suspicious of anything that even hints at touchy-feely, and for some reason, breathing exercises strike me that way. My therapist has told me about one technique. But I dig my heels in and can't quite bring myself to do it.
Well, out of desperation, I tried it when I was having my cat put down a few months ago, and it helped. But I resist trying it again. It seems mushy. Gooey. Even silly.
I think I am what they call a problem child.
Yeah. I have similar feelings. I came around only while trying to teach my daughter not to flip out so hard. Also moving to the west coast helped. After a few years here I got more inured to touchy-feeliness.
Resisting all that touchy feely stuff tends to be Job #1 when you are faking being a guy, like I tried for a good 50 years. Sometimes you need to embrace it when it comes to deeply emotional issues. Deep breathing, clearing your mind of all those negative waves and focusing does help. So does a damn good gut wrenching cry!
As for feeling "Overwhelmed" and being, I hate to admit, a bit of a control freak myself, I found that examining the problem and breaking it down into its parts and prioritizing them works good. To put it another way, Don't sweat the small stuff. Even a big problem carries a lot of small stuff that just serves as emotional noise preventing you from seeing or hearing the real issues. As you slowly chip away at the bits that count the problem is no longer insurmountable, often it is just about solved.
I really think that my unromanticness is one reason I never had trouble attracting guys. I guess they liked not having to worry about birthdays, anniversaries, and dinners by candlelight. My ex and I were very much like a male couple in so many ways. And we just didn't do the emotional stuff. I mean, we loved each other passionately, but we didn't get all gooey about it. Am I making any sense?
I also think that if I can distract myself when I'm going through a "thing," I'll be better able to focus. Next time I find myself freaking out, I think I'll stop and wash the dishes, or something. While I'm thus occupied, perhaps I can sort through what really needs to be done.
The trouble is, it's hard to break through all of the dramatic crap and make myself think. But I guess practice makes perfect.