Hey, just wondering if I'm weird.
Anyone (guys, girls, all feel free to chime in) ever grieve the person you previously were after you decided to take steps toward presenting and transitioning?
I've just finished looking at my binder full of certificates through the years, and I feel almost completely disconnected from the girl listed. I mean, obviously, I'm not even legally that person anymore. I think I'm grieving. What are other ppl's experiences with this phenomenon? Am I the only one like this?
I'm sure you're not the only one. Personally, I don't miss my old self at all. However, I do occasionally miss my old friends because I've cut off contact with most people I used to know. I still care about (some) of these people and wish they could know me as I am now. Not going to happen, but I miss them from time to time.
Thanks, Adio :) I'm not sad that I've kicked a so-called girl to the curb....its just I don't feel like it was me at all anymore. Like I almost have no past. I find it weird that I'm disassociated from myself pretty much completely.
I don't think your the only one however I never I had this experience. I guess I was never raised to act a certain way so I was just me and I kinda developed into the man I am. So I guess I don't have anything to grieve.
But I, like you, am no longer legally that person. I feel somewhat disconnected as well when I see my old name on stuff from middle school and early high school. Sometimes I don't even think that was me, I don't have any memories of presenting as female. Sometimes I think who is that person and why do I have they're things.
I don't think it's weird - after all, even if the "person" you were was just a persona or mask, they were still a major part of your life.
I can't relate to this much, but I'm sure others can. As for me, even before I realized that I wanted to transition out of the body that time was giving me, I felt disconnected to my name. It's like I always knew that it's not the name I should have been born with and therefore I always had some sort of disdain for it.
Quote from: Kyle_S on March 05, 2012, 09:10:25 PM
Thanks, Adio :) I'm not sad that I've kicked a so-called girl to the curb....its just I don't feel like it was me at all anymore. Like I almost have no past. I find it weird that I'm disassociated from myself pretty much completely.
I totally get that. It's very hard for me to imagine how I used to be. My memories are mostly vague and feel really strange. It feels like another person, like my life began only a few years ago. I know that was "me"--but it wasn't, at the same time. To some degree, I think that's normal for people, trans or not. Especially people who have gone through major changes in their lives.
Quote from: Inkwe Mupkins on March 05, 2012, 09:13:03 PM
I don't think your the only one however I never I had this experience. I guess I was never raised to act a certain way so I was just me and I kinda developed into the man I am. So I guess I don't have anything to grieve.
But I, like you, am no longer legally that person. I feel somewhat disconnected as well when I see my old name on stuff from middle school and early high school. Sometimes I don't even think that was me, I don't have any memories of presenting as female. Sometimes I think who is that person and why do I have they're things.
Thankfully, I was never forced to be feminine or anything either. I was always boy-ish. The only female thing about me was my hair. Just generally, the last 21 years of my life seem weird, and like someone else
I'm still the same person. I didn't change, just the way my body looks did.
I don't think you're weird, but I have absolutely no grief about my old persona.
Kind of, but not really. I can appreciate my "past life" now more than then and admire what that person did and how much she went through. Since I didn't really have a supportive mother, I kind of think of her as my "mother" - sacrificing much to give me this life now. I now have a wooden treasure chest for the items that she held dear, but no longer serve a purpose in my current life. It also holds all old photographs of that time period.
No, I've never grieved over it; I'm glad to leave it behind. The only thing I miss is my social life. Although I was awkward and didn't know how to act like a chick, at least people respected me more than they do now as "a transsexual". At least I wasn't lonely.
Quote from: JasonRX on March 05, 2012, 09:20:15 PM
I can't relate to this much, but I'm sure others can. As for me, even before I realized that I wanted to transition out of the body that time was giving me, I felt disconnected to my name. It's like I always knew that it's not the name I should have been born with and therefore I always had some sort of disdain for it.
Same. I never associated myself with my old name... I knew that it referred to me, but felt disconnected from it as though it were just another word.
I think the felling specially is with my name, its wierd to see or hear my old name anywhere or by anyone, and im like.. ohh I totally forgot, that was my name?..
Quote from: Kyle_S on March 05, 2012, 09:10:25 PM
Thanks, Adio :) I'm not sad that I've kicked a so-called girl to the curb....its just I don't feel like it was me at all anymore. Like I almost have no past. I find it weird that I'm disassociated from myself pretty much completely.
Although I'm still basically pre-everything, I do feel this way sometimes. Whenever I see something with my birth name printed on it that's supposed to represent me, I feel like my entire past has just been smudged from existence. I actually had a very strong reaction when I saw my Social Security Card for the first time. It made me feel kinda sick, and it was actually difficult to look at (it bordered on being scary to me, the reaction was that strong). Anyway, I understand how you feel there.
I guess I miss the affection that some people had for me, people who are totally aloof now. I think this is a really interesting topic, but really I can't grieve over who I was (or appeared to be) before. I've had a rough life, and having to act like a girl was the worst of it. I felt like a failure and a liar all of the time. Sometimes I wish I could forget it completely.
Quote from: Arch on March 06, 2012, 01:00:41 AM
I don't think you're weird, but I have absolutely no grief about my old persona.
This, more or less. I've always been 'me' to an extent, somewhere in there, but for a while I was pretty disgusting, at least to myself.
Sometimes. For example, today or tomorrow I'm getting a new license plate for my car. Since I was born my parents have had my birth name on their license plate and they kept it for me until I turned 16 and could put it on my own car. Now I've had it on my car for almost a decade and when my registration came up for renewal last week I told my mom I wanted to get rid of it and get generic number plates. For me that was a hard, but necessary, decision. We've had those plates since I was born and now they're going to go back into the system and someone else will get them. It's kinda sad.
I find myself looking at my old high school stuff and doing the same. I have so many sports awards and everything, but that's the old me. It's hard realizing that in a sense I have no past. Yes, that person is TECHNICALLY me and I did make those accomplishments, but the recognition isn't for Paul, it's for my old name. It's complicated.
I just regret coming out as it has led to nothing positive in my life and many negative things.
I guess I am the odd man out. I don't really grieve for anything. I am the same person at the end of the day. Everyone changes a little bit every day, so I just view it as growing up a little more. Despite whatever name I am being called, whether it is my birth or chosen one still refer to the same person. But, that's just me.
Quote from: Ayden on March 07, 2012, 03:07:07 PM
I guess I am the odd man out. I don't really grieve for anything. I am the same person at the end of the day. Everyone changes a little bit every day, so I just view it as growing up a little more. Despite whatever name I am being called, whether it is my birth or chosen one still refer to the same person. But, that's just me.
This. I mentioned up thread, I'm still the same person, just different looking.
One other thing I miss is my appearance -- as in, I looked my actual age and was pretty good-looking for a female. I don't have that kind of natural attractiveness as a guy, I look younger and smaller than those my age. It's worth it, though.
Quote from: niamh on March 07, 2012, 11:08:48 AM
I just regret coming out as it has led to nothing positive in my life and many negative things.
Ouch. That's awful. I hate when it goes this way for people.
Quote from: niamh on March 07, 2012, 11:08:48 AM
I just regret coming out as it has led to nothing positive in my life and many negative things.
:( I hope it gets better for you, girl.
I wouldn't grieve for the man that was left behind. He has proven to be strong enough (thus far) to be able to manage any storm in his path. I do though grieve for the boy that never had the chance to grow up liking the things other boys liked. I also grieve for the girl that never got the chance to share the things she liked with the other girls when they were relevant to her.
I only hope that one day the woman that may be can use the memories and knowledge passed to her as a source of strength.
Quote from: Kyle_S on March 07, 2012, 07:18:09 PM
:( I hope it gets better for you, girl.
Quote from: Felix on March 07, 2012, 05:52:43 PM
Ouch. That's awful. I hate when it goes this way for people.
Thanks.
Quote from: Kyle_S on March 05, 2012, 08:42:51 PM
Hey, just wondering if I'm weird.
Anyone (guys, girls, all feel free to chime in) ever grieve the person you previously were after you decided to take steps toward presenting and transitioning?
I've just finished looking at my binder full of certificates through the years, and I feel almost completely disconnected from the girl listed. I mean, obviously, I'm not even legally that person anymore. I think I'm grieving. What are other ppl's experiences with this phenomenon? Am I the only one like this?
I don't miss who I was, but I miss the relationships I had with people...Like my dad.
Quote from: LivingInGrey on March 07, 2012, 09:09:42 PM
I only hope that one day the woman that may be can use the memories and knowledge passed to her as a source of strength.
I've only been in transition for a couple of years, but I've found this is happening for me already. It's especially coming in handy when mixing with other people who, for some reason or another, have gone through things "she" did, so I can draw on that when I need to.
But yeah, my old school certificates still have my old name on them - that really needs fixing once I'm over surgery (still off sick from work ATM) - maybe once I get my GRC and change my birth certificate. Also, am I the only one whose heart still skips a beat on hearing my old name mentioned by people?
I don't grieve my past life; I've known since age 4 I was supposed to have been born a boy. As dysfunctional as my family is, my parents pretty much let me do what I wanted in terms of interests & clothing; heck I was basically socialized male or non-gendered beginning around age 5 when my parents woke up to the fact that I was not going to be a typical little girl lol.
I look at it like this: it is still all my life; I've evolved and am evolving. It doesn't necessarily have to be black-and-white PRE and POST transtion if you don't want it to be. You gotta be happy dude! Do what works for you :)
I feel completely disconnected from my past life. It really is bizarre when I see old photos and think "whoa! That used to be ME?" It's hard cos I live in a small town and was well-known by a lot of people as a musician and "Mr and Mrs...'s girl" Now, people don't always even know who I am. It doesn't help that even before I transitioned, I had already changed emotionally and socially from the person I was before - after I went to Uni, I was much more confident and unwilling to go to the same middle-class social functions I had let myself get dragged to in the past!
I do think trying to connect back to the person I was before is going to happen as I progress through transition and can see it through less defensive eyes. I've been so busy trying to prove to my parents that I am definitely their son rather than their daughter, that I have lost sight of the importance of showing them that in other ways I am always the person they loved and raised for 20 years. Now maybe I can see why they didn't believe me when I said "but I'm the same person inside!"
Having said that, I don't want to dwell too much on the past. I am very happy that I am progressing towards becoming physically male, and I have a wonderful partner and group of friends that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't been honest with myself and made this decision.
For me, there's a couple aspects:
First, the "new phase" of life...like after you get married/get a degree/have kids etc, your life before seems so...odd.
What were you like in high school? Then you had to get out and work for a living...working =/= being in school...totally different life/lifestyle.
Get in college, you might think it's the same as HS...but it's not.
Get married, all your single friends go away, hello new, married friends! Very much before/after life.
Get kids? WHOA! Huge, huge change, especially the first one. After that, more kids = same life, just MORE of it.
Second, I look a pics of me from 2+ years ago, and of course still have memories of things...but "he" is not "me" at all. Even my body wasn't "mine" until I started the feminization process (including HRT).
Haven't grieved yet. So far, I see no need for it. "He" was just a hollow shell, a pretend person.
I think I sort of get where you're coming from, Kyle.
I haven't been able to start HRT (though I will schedule an appointment to get that ball rolling pretty soon), and I haven't yet changed my name or the gender marker on my license, but still I've begun to disconnect from my birth name and sort of rebuild myself as Noah.
I also was one of the fortunate ones who was allowed to do pretty much as I wished as a kid as far as gender goes, with very few exceptions. So I've more begun processing my past to fit the person I'm working on now than disconnected from it all really (though I know, had I been the proper sex beforehand, my past as a "real boy" would have likely been quite different in some respects). But I am disconnecting from the name I was given because I don't want to associate with it and I don't want to react any time I hear it, especially as it's a pretty common name.
I don't know what I might someday do with my high school diploma...maybe I'll let my parents keep it, I don't know. The other day I did toss my cap and gown from high school though as they were color coded, so to speak, according to "gender." Maybe had I come out years ago I could have had a maroon cap and gown and been proud to keep it, but now instead I just have my tassle hanging up to commemorate graduation. I'm not sure I'll keep any of my awards or anything with my given name, but I imagine I will be proud of anything with the right name on it, which makes it all the more important to have that changed before I get my associate's degree.
I have changed a little bit as Noah, being able to be Noah, but it's been for the good. I'm doing better, and if I have to disconnect a bit from certain things in order to continue to do so and continue to be who I want to be, who I really am, then I don't see it as anything to grieve. That was not really who I was supposed to be anyways. I can understand people grieving for who they were or had to be, because as others have said before it was a major part of one's life, but I guess for me it's been a little more like getting rid of someone in my life who was holding me back a bit or impacting me negatively...and I've never really grieved that.
I'm working on freeing myself, and the more I can disconnect from that name and what it holds the freer I'll be.
Quote from: HarryP on March 10, 2012, 03:14:34 PM
I feel completely disconnected from my past life. It really is bizarre when I see old photos and think "whoa! That used to be ME?" It's hard cos I live in a small town and was well-known by a lot of people as a musician and "Mr and Mrs...'s girl" Now, people don't always even know who I am. It doesn't help that even before I transitioned, I had already changed emotionally and socially from the person I was before - after I went to Uni, I was much more confident and unwilling to go to the same middle-class social functions I had let myself get dragged to in the past!
I look at old pictures of me like that too. And Finally, someone understands somewhat what I'm talking about....as I already said, I do not grieve a girl existence....Its that I feel out of touch with the person I used to be, the person my friends befriended. Why? Because I feel that same emotional and social change immensely already, without T. Every day, Kyle gets stronger and old me floats away. This IS who I am, and my friends have stated "Yes, you are a different person" to me. I'm obviously losing that part of me that they have been friends with for 7-18 years. I don't know how else to explain, and it gets frustrating trying to :(
Quote from: mic on March 09, 2012, 12:30:25 AM
I don't miss who I was, but I miss the relationships I had with people...
That's basically my stance; I've always been the same person, I just look a little different now and go by a different name. Apart from that, I just miss the way my family used to treat me; i.e., like a human being.
I think w/me there's people around me who grieve a "loss" though I feel an immense amount of disgust w/the individual I portrayed myself as for...almost a whole year. That almost year was the only time I tried to present as female to stop being bothered by the people I was around at that time.
As for documents with my birth name, it's weird. As others mentioned, there's often this disconnect.
I was cleaning and came across my informed consent paperwork. I didn't get HRT through informed consent (ie I did counseling and got a letter), but I still had to demonstrate that I was informed and did consent. The note across the top says SPECIFIC INFORMED CONSENT FOR HORMONE THERAPY FOR MEN OF TRANSGENDER EXPERIENCE, and I feel pretty disconnected from the person (or kind of person?) who has to sign such a thing.
So me and my "best friend" seem to be getting very distant now. I think it may be that she's really seeing how much things are changing now, and is uncomfortable with it. It's been even worse since I stopped going with her to the women's bathroom and stuff. How has anyone talked to their friends about this?
Quote from: Kyle_S on March 18, 2012, 04:23:14 PM
So me and my "best friend" seem to be getting very distant now. I think it may be that she's really seeing how much things are changing now, and is uncomfortable with it. It's been even worse since I stopped going with her to the women's bathroom and stuff. How has anyone talked to their friends about this?
Someone I was best friends with and I have done the same thing. We've both just gone down different paths in life. I haven't talked to her since my birthday 2 1/2 months ago. She's not quite getting the hint that our paths don't cross and I think she's hurt, but she won't actually say it. We're both just very distant these days. And she holds onto the past and the relationship we used to have and she fails to see the changes I've made for myself making things even more difficult...
First time I had to change my name, I grieved intensely, because of a feeling of 'I did all this, and no one will ever know it was me...' I even secretly used my old name several times in simple situations, just to feel better. Hell, I even got away with joining a dojo with my original name - they never checked :-D The second name change, though was much easier. I guess I got used to being a fluid person, no real history, no strong social connections. I think this time, a name and gender change will be a walk in the park. Sometimes I get this strike of terror and panic that I'm destroying all that I've done, again, but it passes, and I feel better afterwards. I think it's perfectly natural to grieve, it kind of is like someone is dying/being replaced. It's like the loss of a family member/close confidante.
As far as the friends distancing thing, no advice from here. I'm usually the one distancing, so... All I can wish you is new friendships and happier days! :-D
I completely understand what your saying here. For me personally the hardest struggle I had with starting T wasnt the changes as much as the letting go. For the last 27 years I have been one person, tied into being female. I was raised to be proud to be a female and such, in a family of nothing but females. I sparked out in my own way and have been boyish most of my teens and young adult life but never completely male.
I just got my T today. I will be taking it in a few hours. Most of what I went through in therapy and in life in the last year has been letting go of who I was. I love the quote from a song "Who iam only ever made me." Im sure this is different for everyone but for me, im not losing who I was. Im changing the sex, but Im still an intelligent, caring, family loving, indepth, open minded person. That will never change no matter the sex. I hope this helps.
Devon
Yes, but it was very brief. It happened approx 1 year into transition, where I found some old pictures of me when I was looking pretty cute. I was like, why couldn't she be happy? For a brief second I missed her as a person, like an old friend. But I never missed BEING her. Because I never really was. She was pretty cool, all things considered.
I don't miss her any more, though. She pops up and threatens to embarrass me periodically. I hate that. I wish she'd stay boxed up.
Jay
i kinda think of it like i had a twin who passed away. i wish i could've been happy as/for her and she had wicked awesome focus, but overall, I'm much happier/more accomplished now.
I do miss the amazing attention span though. A few months into T and it just took a nose dive :(
idk bout other ppl but i havent changed much im a good deal mor mature and smarter then i ever was before.
I looked back the other day...and it just seemed so strange to me...and disconected. I really can't imagine or remember my life as being the other way anymore...it just seems so off, if that makes sense. so grieving? not so much...yet, its just not like its a part of the real me or me at all. lol
No, I've put my transition on hold, but I'm not going to become another person. Besides some physical aspects of my body and how the world sees me as female and not male, I live my life how I would otherwise.